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Attachment Parenting
How to tell friends about my AP toddler?
Ever since DD was a week old, my friends, DH's friends, and ILs have been unhappy about our AP lifestyle, which turned out to be pretty hardcore as we've a high needs kiddo. We keep getting invites to the bar and to adult-only parties, which we turn down--to the disgust of everyone except my family.
As we approach a year, we're getting more invites again, presumably to celebrate our impending 'freedom'. Any time I've hinted that we're not going to stop nursing or bedsharing, these people usually freak out. Is there a way to gently or tactfully break it to them? It doesn't help that she's high spirited, so it looks to these people that we've 'spoiled' her, and she hates other people touching or speaking loudly to her. I just can't think of something really nice to say
ETA- from Dr. Sears' 'Handling Criticism' about high needs children
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/handling-criticism
"Protect yourself. If your critics conclude you are withering away, they will feel compelled to water you with advice. They may assume that your baby is a burden to you and what you really need is a break from your baby. Set the record straight: "Actually, I love having my baby with me all the time." In effect you are conveying, "I'm okay, I don't need your help with the baby, thank you."
A high needs baby is NOT a special needs one!
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to tell friends about my AP toddler?
I think I explained badly. DD won't take a bottle, and is unhappy with us leaving for more than an hour and a half. She nurses frequently, and naps and sleeps only with us. So, going out to a bar and leaving her would be cruel in our specific circumstances. Not that it would be un-AP to ever do so.
I was in a really similar situation. My DD also wouldn't take a bottle (or cups of expressed milk, etc.) and we lived 45 minutes from town, so any trips to town were a minimum of two hours...and that was basically just driving in and back. It wasn't until after DD turned one that I was finally able to leave her for a few hours. I have a very close, AP friend, with a toddler DD's age, who is happy to watch DD and can handle her meltdowns and I trust that she will call me if DD is not handling it well. I also felt it would be cruel to leave my specific child with someone else because she would spend the entire time screaming hysterically and unconsolably.
BUT! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! DD is getting much better at being without me. She can pretty comfortably hang out with my mom or my friend while I am away, although I still only leave her once every two weeks or so. It really just took time for her to get a little older. The combination of her being more comfortable with others, them knowing how to help her be happy, and her eating solids regularly is what made it possible for us to leave DD with a sitter.
Say, "no thanks" and invite them to join you in doing something that you come up with. One thing that worked for me when DD was that age was anything that had me moving (while she was on my back in a carrier)--an outdoor festival, (window) shopping at a mall, etc. Or I could go someplace where she could move around--like an outdoor concert.
Or invite your friends over to your place.
Or you or DH can take turns going out. When you're gone he can offer DD EBM from a cup or give her solids until you return.
Also: You'd be surprised how well LOs do with other caregivers when their parents are not around, or with one parent when the other one is not around. When DD was an infant (around 4 months old) I'd have to nurse her or wear her to sleep. DH could just rock her or pat her back. Daycare could put her IN A CRIB and pat her back. That was friggin' unbelievable to me!
Now that she's a toddler, all she has to do is see the cots come out and her little friends lying down. Then she's ready for a nap. There's NO WAY that would happen at our home (unless, of course, I invited all 8 of her little friends over for nap time).
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
Yeah to be fair I'd be VERY concerned about any friend of mine who couldn't leave her child for more than an hour for a year. That is an exceptionally unhealthy situation for all involved. I'm sorry and I don't think its AP. I just think its sad.
"Cruel" is what that does to a mother and her relationships with friends and family not leaving a child with a loving caregiver. You need space from your child and she is not going to starve at 1 year if she has to eat a bit of cereal or cheerios in your absence instead of nursing while you see a movie, chat with friends and reconnect with the world.
I honestly think that your LO will do better than you think. I'm always surprised by how well he goes down for naps/bedtime when I'm not there. If she doesn't take a bottle, you could always leave her something like whole fat yogurt to eat while you're gone. DS wouldn't really want bottles while I was gone, he just waited until I was home. But he would mow down some yogurt or cheese and that was plenty to hold him over. It's one thing if you're going to be gone all day long. But for 3 or 4 hours, she will be fine.
I strongly urge you to just try it out even for an hour or two. You might be surprised by how well she does.
ALL of this... DS does great doing to bed when I'm not around but if I am he ONLY wants me and must snuggle, sing, drink his sippy, etc to go to bed. Naps GREAT at school but at home, forget about it unless we are in the car going somewhere.
You'd be may be surprised as to how well your LO will do when you aren't around. Maybe just try a dinner out with DH with a trusted family/friend watching LO for 2 hours and build off that.
this is a red flag:
'she hates other people touching or speaking loudly to her'
Yes, some little ones are a bit sensitive to such things but so much joy comes to children when they are exposed to all kinds of people and situations and sounds, etc. Honestly I have to wonder if you are perhaps perpetuating these issues. If not, then I'd talk to your pedi about an evaluation for sensory issues.
Yes. Absolutely.
I take DD to bars. I don't remember at what age this started, but the reality is that no matter how comfortable you are or aren't leaving your child with someone (and I am comfortable with it), babysitters are expensive. I pay enough in a given week already for someone to watch my child while I get time to work, I can only pay so much extra for evening babysitting and if I'm going to do that, I prefer to do it so I can get alone time with my spouse, not all of my friends. Some people understand this, some people don't.
For the people who understand, I bring my child to their birthday parties and events all over New York and for the people who don't understand, I either say "sorry, can't make it, see you next time" or, if they matter enough to me, I try to make a conciliatory offer like, "I really can't make it to your b-day party at X bar/restaurant this Friday, but how about you come over for lunch/dinner this weekend?"
What it really comes down, I think, is how responsive you are to your friends' desire to spend time with you. The "I can't because I have a baby" excuse will only get you so far if you want to maintain long-term friendships with these people. It doesn't matter to them whether your child takes a bottle or not or is good with babysitters or not, they just want to know that you want to spend time with them and are still important to them. There are a dozen different ways to show this to them. Saying "I can't because I have a baby" is not one of them, so I can see why they are giving you grief.
And if you honestly don't want to make any effort at all for them, then let them go.
we did make an effort to meet people during the day, and that worked for us. Most of our friends have kids anyway, so its not a big deal because if they go out at night it is usually couple time anyway. Do any of your friends have kids?
I know what it is like my dd is high needs as well. I hadn't left her for more than an hour for the first year and after the first year I still have yet to leave her more than 3 or 4 (and that long is rare) Please don't take what people say as offensive, if they comment say "I am happy with the close attachment we have" or my SO loves to say "Please educate yourself, I can make ignorant statements if that is what we want to reduce this too.." Otherwise flaunt it! take her to BBQ's and nurse her in public, if you go to a party or bar and can't take her only go for an hour and DON'T BE ASHAMED!! I am actually surprised you got negative comments your not unhealthy!
READ THIS: I love it!
https://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/09/05/flaunt-your-crunch/
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
It is unhealthy to assume this type of situation isn't a bit off. I'm sorry. But "high needs" babies are left in day care all the time out of necessity. "high needs" children go to intervention programs and therapy and all sorts of other "leave mom for an hour or more" activities. Your child is not some sort of delicate flower that can't take your own independence for a few moments of the day. Mothers work. Mothers go to the spa. Mothers read a book and eat a hot meal uninterrupted now and then. It is unhealthy to not be able to leave your 1 year old for more than an hour.
I didn't leave my kid overnight until around 14 months and I certainly don't like leaving her for a long time now, but to never see my friends unattached to a child? To never ever go out to dinner with friends without a child near you? to never have an adult conversation uninterrupted? Yeah I'm sorry, completely unhealthy. Mothers need a balance and that is a VERY unbalanced idea of motherhood. It has nothing to do with attachment and everything to do with martyrdom.
I agree with this. This is not a matter of your being AP. It's a matter of your being held prisoner by your kid (and those are so far from being the same thing). I'd start taking friends up on invitations. She'll be fine. She might surprise you...DD is always better behaved and does things she won't do at home at daycare.
Thanks! This describes us perfectly; both the article and your reply.
I don't get how a baby with a close attachment and age appropriate separation anxiety now equals special needs, but I don't think I need a specialist to diagnose it! And I thought that only leaving LO with close caregivers and nursing them yourself whenever possible WAS attachment, and attachment was the point of attachment parenting. I know it means something different for everyone, but I'm positive I'm in the range of normal. AP isn't just breastfeeding and babywearing to me! I like what I'm doing, and I just wanted a way to let people know that.
I still don't quite get why this has to be a sticking point for your friends. People can have tons of reasons for not getting together more often- work, children, life, anything- but quite frankly, the 5th or 6th time a friend claims she can't see me because of her demanding job or whatever it is, I don't care about the excuse, I care about whether there's any chance we'll ever see each other again or whether she cares enough about our friendship to try to make time for me. You're not going to convert people to thinking your way of parenting is the "right" way, no matter how many articles you throw at them or how much you explain. Ultimately, if the way you parent is incompatible with maintaining these friendships, then you need to be prepared to lose the friendships.
But I *can* get together with them! It just has to be either at my home, or out during the day alone for 2 hours or less, or with my child. That leaves a lot of options! Restaurants, fairs, zoos, my place any time, their place with my daughter anytime, etc. It's only when they become unhappy that we won't attend an adults-only party, bar, or club at bedtime that it becomes an issue.
Right but not all adults like connecting with their friends at the zoo. Did you read what you wrote? "I love you friend A, but for the next 4 years we're only going to be able to see each other a) at the zoo b) an hour at a time or c) on another of my wacky terms. Never mind if you have another kid. Forget it. It's over!
To be frank if any friend of mine disappeared this way and insisted I was only able to see her during the day over some elephants and a parrot demonstration, the friendship would be over. You are looking almost completely at yourself here and not looking at anything from their perspective and you sound a bit lost. I don't think anyone confident in their opinions throws out literature on their parenting to support their blowing off a friendship. Sorry.
These people have waited a year for you to come out and see them. They've hung on because they care about you. They do not need a lecture about your parenting and how you think it is the best. That has 0 to do with the friendships here. 0. If you are ready to sacrifice your friendships, keep up the nonsense. BUt they are absolutely right to be sad/concerned/hurt etc... because you sound ... odd. It has nothing to do with attachment parenting and everything to do with being a shitty friend.
https://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/09/05/flaunt-your-crunch/
What a load of asswipery. Yeah all those passive aggressive comments about the evils of formula will certainly turn people on to the boob. And contractions were no worse than menstrual cramps? I see. Patronizing passive aggression is no way to win friends/influence others. I'm sorry. Pathetic.
For the win.
That article is incredibly obnoxious. It advises moms to make uber holier-than-thou/judgy comments when no one is judging them:
When your friend mentions needing to go and find somewhere to warm up a bottle while you are out shopping at the mall, say ?you go ahead, if you don?t mind, I?ll just keep browsing the books while my baby nurses in the sling?.If my "friend" made spontaneous comments like this to me the friendship would be over. Especially since not everyone CAN EBF.
As to the OP, I tend to agree with other commenters. We also have a high needs (not special needs) guy, and rarely leave him long, especially in the evening, because it's too much trouble and worry, but we do so on occasion regardless, in the interest of maintaining important friendships and having couple time. I think you may be surprised at how your LO does if you just give it a shot. Maybe do a test run one evening where you will be nearby and can come home if necessary, and if she does ok, you can try longer outings?
I also have a high needs LO that we didn't leave for more than 2-3 hours at a time until recently. He didn't take a bottle, co-slept, was a total mama's boy (ok so that one still holds true), etc.
My LO nurses much more frequently if I'm around. I now try to stay close to home and have Dh or my mom or whoever call me when he starts acting like he needs to nurse. I was shocked when one night I stayed away for 7 hours and he didn't fuss one single time (he was with Dh). I think it's like this...if you have a whole tray of brownies right there next to you, you're going to eat the whole thing....if you're at work, you neither miss the brownies or need them. As your LO gets closer to a year, she can be fed solids in your absence and not miss the milk. I'd try leaving her with you Dh first and staying close to home and going out to have some girl time.
With all that said...if you don't feel like you need adult time, if you don't feel like these friendships are truely worth sacrificing for (and lets face it, some aren't), and you are 100% happy with how things are going.... then I say don't worry about what they say or think. I know several parents who don't leave their kids. They have wonderful marriages, they don't feel like slave to their children, and they get out as a family a TON. There is no rule that says you HAVE to go on dates with your husband once a week or have a girls night once a month; this is what many people prefer...but it might not be what's right for you and your family. HOWEVER, you can't have it both ways. Some of friends won't understand and they don't have to understand, so don't be suprised if you lose them because you constantly turn them down.
FWIW, I still don't go farther than 15 minutes from the house when I leave LO. Even though it has been atleast 3 months since I had to cut a night short because he had a complete melt down with my mom.
Attachment parenting is all about creating a healthy attachment between mother and child. Nothing about what you're describing sounds healthy.
That was the worst article I've read in months. Phd in Parenting, my ass. What a bunch of sanctimonious crap. And you feel that article fits you perfectly? Wow. Any advice you get in this thread is going to probably go in one ear and out the other. Oh wait -- squirt some breastmilk in your ear -- it's the miracle fluid!!
All of this! That kind of crap is why most people who aren't AP find AP obnoxious.
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
I was thinking the same thing.
You know, this made me nervous enough that I polled my AP friends and a few regular SAHM/WAHM friends, and they all said that what I was doing was totally normal; I even asked a specialist. Separation anxiety and stranger anxiety have peaked here, my daughter doesn't like to be with people other than my parents, sister, DH and I; I was the same way. She's not big on solids (BLW), and we don't push, so she nurses a lot. I don't want to leave her.
And FFS, I didn't just say the zoo (I used to meet my BFF at the zoo all the time in college, kid free!). I said a restaurant. What's wrong with a daytime dinner party or a restaurant? If everyone who told me that they would ditch their friends because they didn't want to go to a bar at night, then I'm not the bad friend, I assure you. I like my life now just fine. I wasn't asking for advice on it, and I certainly didn't come here so you could imply that my 'high needs' child was 'special needs'. Thanks to the posters who actually answered my question.
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tte03a3.aspx[/img]
That sounds like every child around your child's age. Separation anxiety is common and my son had an extremely severe case. That didnt mean I coddled him and let it control my life. I think doing that makes it worse and doesnt build confidence in the child.
I dont think your daughter has a problem, I think you do. I think your child is "high needs" because you are making her that way. Her reaction to others that you mentioned in your first post does not sound like normal child behavior and should be checked out by your pedi. If my pedi blew it off as normal, I would get a second opinion.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think the other posters were trying to give you a dose of reality. If you dont find a healthy balance between parenthood and marriage/friendships, I assure you in 5 years down the road, you will have a struggling marriage and a lack of friends. I dont think your child is going to starve or be traumatized if you meet friends for a few hours in the evening. It seems abnormal that people who want to maintain friendships with you have to do it on your terms, which is in the daytime for less than 2 hours. That's insane. I think it will benefit your marriage, your daughter, and yourself to leave her for a few hours to enjoy the company of friends/family sans baby.
I also agree with the PP who mentioned that articles like the one linked previously is what gives AP a bad name. Such a shame.
ETA: Perhaps you should read this to have a better understanding of what AP is. AP is not being with your child every second of their life and not attending adult-only functions because your child can't bear to be away with you for more than 2 hours. It's about creating a healthy balance and that benefits mom and more importantly baby. Strive for that. https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/what-ap-not
Lurker here. Ditto all this. Sorry. I also think it's sad. Your marriage and friendships are important as well. I would die if I thought I couldn't leave little one for longer than an hour and a half. Your child will do better than you think, and honestly she needs to begin to feel comfortable around other people. That's just life.
I don't get why this thread is so controversial and I think people are reading in things that you haven't said. DH and I also rarely do social engagements without LO. We'd just much rather bring him along (and usually our friends and family are on-board with this). We have a healthy attachment to him, to each other, and a healthy social life--we hang out with friends and family several times each week. We work flexible hours so we can each care for him and work FT.
If your motivation is to never leave your LO out of guilt or fear--that may be unhealthy. If you don't want to leave LO because you enjoy her company so much and it is the best thing for your family, that sounds totally healthy. No one HAS to accept a bar invitation to be healthy.
The "B" of balance is an important one, but it can manifest in different ways. Do you feel that your life is balanced? What are your social outlets? While I am a big fan of staying friends with people even through different life-stages, do you just maybe not enjoy these people any more? If so, how are you connecting with new people who you do enjoy? When something comes up that you want to do, are you happy with your options (bring LO, one of you stays home, etc.). As long as you are honestly happy with the tradeoffs of AP, I don't think alarm bells have to go off. Now, if on honest examination you are resenting your LO or her spirited nature, then I do encourage you to shake things up in a gentle way that still will meet her needs (leave her with family, leave her with DH, ec.) But, only you and your DH can assess that line.
I know that for us, even though we adore being with LO when we do go out on dates just the two of us, we have a great time, LO loves hanging with his gparents, and he benefits from reacting to someone with a different style.
More Green For Less Green
Thank you thank you! You articulated it perfectly. I don't want to accept bar invitations at bedtime, because DD loves stability, and we like being there for her! No one seemed to notice that I didn't want lifestyle advice, and was happy. We're trying to get her used to new things--we take her out at least every other day, and we have dates, too. We just don't go at bedtime! We're trying to stay out longer during the day. My daughter loves my parents, and they care for her often. We only have one car, and DH works long hours, so our dates are often cut short because we're busy--not DD. And it's sad how little people on here understand the term 'high needs'.
You asked for very strange advice from someone who thinks they don't have a problem. See, what you're looking for is a theory to excuse your being a bad friend. So you come on asking for attachment parenting links to excuse your not wanting to be involved with people on any other terms than your very own. And its sad.
I understand the term "high needs' but it sounds like you don't really understand that "high needs" babies have mothers who do go out after bedtime. And that to me, is... utterly asinine.
I stopped reading the responses about half way through so I don't know if this has been said, but...
A big part of APing is finding a balance between your child and a real life. If at nearly 11 months you can't get away from your daughter for one night out with your friends you're severely lacking that balance.
We bedshare, still nurse and DD no longer takes a bottle (or expressed milk in any form, for that matter) and she can most definitely handle a few hours without me or DH so we can go out and have some adult time. If she seriously can't cope I would find someone to talk to; it sounds like she's more than just high needs.
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