How to answer "THAT QUESTION"?

kaleidoskpeyez · July 2011

Hubby and I have been married for almost two years, and TTC for 14 months (although we haven't told anyone because we knew my PCOS was going to cause some problems).

Of course, family members, friends, and coworkers all want to know when we're planning to have children. (Even my boss has asked!) They obviously don't realize that this is a very painful subject for both of us. Naturally, everyone we know is popping out babies left and right, so the topic comes up often. Any suggestions on how to answer that question in a way that discourages further conversation without revealing our struggles? I've tried being vague ("Not yet!"), and that just leads to more questions that I can't or don't want to answer. Anything more specific than that, however, feels like I'm advertising our infertility.

Brendarph · July 2011

I really struggle with that, it seems like I get asked that question at least once a month. My husband always answers "we're working on it" that usually satisfies people curiousity for the time being. I know eventually they may start pushing more but it usually ends the conversation. I have tried the not yet and that doesn't work well because then I get "your not getting any younger". I usually say we are planning on starting trying. I figure it buys me a little more time but usually doesn't bring on all of the don't wait too long comments. Good luck it is such a difficult question to deal with!

NMscubagirl · July 2011

It depends on how I am feeling. Half the time I blow it off by saying "are you kidding me? I can barely remember to feed my cat!" sometimes I say "9 months after I get pregnant just like everyone else" and I have always wanted to say, but never had the guts "Why, do you want to be there for the conception?".

I really hate those questions.

apollonia10 · July 2011

I've started saying "As soon as medically possible," which is true. They usually don't ask again.

ecleptic · July 2011

We told people that we wanted to enjoy the first few years of marriage as a couple- free to vacation and sleep in on Saturday mornings.

At the time it was true- we waited 5 years to start trying to conceive. It was a particularly irritating question because I had been ready in my head after the first year of marriage- but DH wanted to be older, more financially stable, etc etc etc. So there was a part of me that wanted to snap "When DH finally comes around to the idea" and a part of me that wanted to snap "It's none of your danm business."

But the "enjoy our marriage" with a list of the things that are best about being young and childless always seemed to stop questions from anyone who had kids because it's hard to argue that you don't miss (at least a tiny bit) sleeping in on Saturdays or going out drinking or going on spontaneous vacations. Sure the kids are worth it- if they weren't we wouldn't be here... but triggering a tiny bit of jealousy seems to help shut other people up

naybird · July 2011

Most people know what I've been through and what I'm going through, so I don't really get asked that question. When I do get that question, I am just honest and say, hopefully soon.

Pablaida · July 2011

I always answer "In God's time." They usually get the point after that. I hope you find something that answers their questions, but most importantly doesn't reveille more information than you are ready to reveille. The main thing is that you walk away feeling good about your answer and what they may think of it.

kosmos · July 2011

I am in a similar situation, having been married for 2 years, but without the PCOS. We've been trying for just about 2 years, and are now in the care of a RE. Anyway, we started off telling people that I had to finish my Masters degree, then we wanted to buy a house...and now that we've done those things, it's hard to push off the questions.

We finally told our immediate family about two months ago. It helped tremendously to have the support. They are actually SO much better about not asking questions, now that they know we're having trouble. My husband was hesitant to tell our family, but he will now agree that they have stopped asking or hinting about grandchildren, and they don't really ask about our treatment until we're ready to share.

As for other people, I tell them that we're working on saving some cash so that I can stay home for a little while when the baby comes, OR so that in case I have trouble with my pregnancy and have to go on bed rest. People usually say "yeah, that's a good idea". Good luck!

eponine7682 · July 2011

It depends on my mood. I have told a lot of close friends and family about our struggles, because honestly... it keeps that question at bay. I rarely get asked anymore because people know it upsets me. However, I am a little more open then most people about our struggles. For the people who don't know what DH and I are going through I will typically say we are working on it. If I am in a bad mood I will snottily say "when we are able to"

ForTheLoveOf Pink · July 2011

If people ask us, the both of us pretty much say the same thing now: :we are trying hard but it is not working" For the most part this shuts people up. The genuine people will say something sensitive others will change the subject.

srkm · July 2011

I hate that question. All of the ladies at my work ask me, "baby yet?" Ugh... I always say, "hopefully soon but I will let you know if there is anything to report". Or, right when I see them I say, "No. No baby yet". They have pretty much stopped asking.

pennylanehd · July 2011

Ditto PPs. It really depends on my mood that day. Usually, I give my "you can't always get what you want when you want it speech" about how I've survived cancer and can't complain, yada yada yada, which usually shames people into zipping it. When I'm crabby, I do use the "9 months after I get pregnant" line, which is usually rude enough to make people zip it.

Chelle712 · July 2011

NMscubagirl:

It depends on how I am feeling. Half the time I blow it off by saying "are you kidding me? I can barely remember to feed my cat!" sometimes I say "9 months after I get pregnant just like everyone else" and I have always wanted to say, but never had the guts "Why, do you want to be there for the conception?".

I really hate those questions.

Haha! I love the "Why, do you want to be there for the conception?". I hope I can remember to use that one!

I usually respond with "We're having fun practicing...how often do you have sex?" They usually realize how personal their question is after that.

1stLadyofVienna · July 2011

I am with you on the TTC with PCOS. It's a long road (apparently). DH's family is really guilty of this. Now I just tell everyone, "when we're supposed to." It's a total conversation ender.

ttcanon · July 2011

It's nobody's business. My mother-in-law asked my husband if he was sterile after we'd been married for two years, and we hadn't even been trying. Frankly, I think it's insensitive to ask people anyway, considering cases like yours when you are trying. We've been married eight years and have only just now started trying. When people ask me, I just tell them that I'm planning a big European vacation or that we're not even thinking about it until after we're out of grad school. That usually shuts them up.

BareBethC · July 2011

Chelle712:
NMscubagirl:

It depends on how I am feeling. Half the time I blow it off by saying "are you kidding me? I can barely remember to feed my cat!" sometimes I say "9 months after I get pregnant just like everyone else" and I have always wanted to say, but never had the guts "Why, do you want to be there for the conception?".

I really hate those questions.

Haha! I love the "Why, do you want to be there for the conception?". I hope I can remember to use that one!

I usually respond with "We're having fun practicing...how often do you have sex?" They usually realize how personal their question is after that.

Lol omg I love this!

I usually say "the best part about having kids is making them, so we're taking our time with that"

MrsBabs · July 2011

I hate that question!! I usually tell people, "It just hasn't happened for us yet." But when people ask my husband, he usually blows them off and says, "The wife and I are too busy enjoying our life. We drink wine and have sex every night? You can't do that after you have kids!" Then all the guys agree, and tell him he is the smart one.

But there are always the bad days, when you just want to tell someone, mind your own business! We have been trying for almost three years now. Still hasnt happened for us. Last year we finally told our family, the hardest part is having to lie to them about it not happening, I just got sick and tired of hearing... "when am I going to be a grandma? When am I going to be an auntie?" So finally we just told them, and they are SOOO supportive and more helpful!

babina868 · July 2011

I'm 31 -- the question seems to have changed lately from asking when we're having kids to whether we're having them at all. When we were in our 20s, before we were trying, I'd just say that we weren't ready yet. Now I usually just answer when it happens, it happens, or that we eventually want to have kids but it's not happening now.

I LOVE the funny answers above. I haven't had the courage to use one, but if I keep getting this question, we'll see.

Toni79 · July 2011

NMscubagirl:

It depends on how I am feeling. Half the time I blow it off by saying "are you kidding me? I can barely remember to feed my cat!" sometimes I say "9 months after I get pregnant just like everyone else" and I have always wanted to say, but never had the guts "Why, do you want to be there for the conception?".

I really hate those questions.

OMG! Too Funny! I'll have to remember these!!!

Toni79 · July 2011

ecleptic:

We told people that we wanted to enjoy the first few years of marriage as a couple- free to vacation and sleep in on Saturday mornings.

At the time it was true- we waited 5 years to start trying to conceive. It was a particularly irritating question because I had been ready in my head after the first year of marriage- but DH wanted to be older, more financially stable, etc etc etc. So there was a part of me that wanted to snap "When DH finally comes around to the idea" and a part of me that wanted to snap "It's none of your danm business."

But the "enjoy our marriage" with a list of the things that are best about being young and childless always seemed to stop questions from anyone who had kids because it's hard to argue that you don't miss (at least a tiny bit) sleeping in on Saturdays or going out drinking or going on spontaneous vacations. Sure the kids are worth it- if they weren't we wouldn't be here... but triggering a tiny bit of jealousy seems to help shut other people up

We were in a really similar situation. We got married right out of college, and we decided to have a "5 yr plan", which was no kids for at least the first 5 years. That way we could enjoy married life, travel, go to Grad school, buy a house, get jobs, get established in our jobs and life, etc. This worked out really well for the most part, because anytime any one would ask, we would just answer "we've got a 5 yr plan, etc, etc". My older brother once even "stole" our line, when someone asked him when he and his wife were having kids, he said "5 yrs after the last person asks us" lol!

Our 5 yr plan tunred into a 6.5 year plan. By that point we were ready. That was 2.5+ years ago. Now I could kick myslef for waiting!!! Once I couldn't use the "5 yr plan" excuse anymore, I started using the "when the times right", and "I don't know, we'll see", and the "it will happen when it happens".

We told our imediate families and very close friends this year about our struggles, and that has helped minimize the questions (except my mom who wants to know every medical detail - I eventually told her I can't emotionally afford to give her daily updates!).

But you still get the extended family or old friends you haven't seen in a while bring it up. I still just use the "it will happen when it happens", and for the most part people get the underlying tone.

Interestingly enough when we told DH's mom about our IF, she said something along the lines of how at first she wondered when we would have kids, but since we had been married so long (8.5 yrs), she thought that we had changed our minds about kids and didn't want them. and how she thought we were having marital problems. I thought HUH??? She came to all those conclusions because we don't have kids yet?!?!? I would have never thought "oh that couple doesn't have kids, they must have marital problems" ?!?!?

kaleidoskpeyez · July 2011

Thanks, all! I really needed the giggle some of your answers gave me! (BareBethC... I am ABSOLUTELY planning on using yours!). I like the "silly" answers... they fit my personality, and I think they'll be successful at ending the conversation without being a downer. I'm still amazed that so many people think such a personal question is appropriate... but since I can't change anyone else, I'll just focus on changing my approach! Thanks again!

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