need help

3boys=love · July 2011

Hi this is my first time posting on here. I have a 2 month old son who is wonderful and I love to pieces, my boyfriend has a 14 year old son from his previous marrage (soon to be 15). He is moving in with us because his mom and half brother do drugs in the house. I know he has to get out of that house and into a stable enviroment. My problem is he is a slob the house is always a mess and I am getting stressed having to always clean up after him (his dad leaves for work at 5am and doesn't get home until 7 pm) it is very difficult with a newborn. He also stays up all night playing video games and then sleeps until 4 pm and he never takes a shower. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for letting me rant

BareBethC · July 2011

I think you should have your husband talk to him, because he's his son and his responsibility, and lay down the law that as long as he's under your roof, he needs to respect both of you, your home, and your rules.

angelame1979 · July 2011

I agree that your BF needs to sit down and talk with him. However, since your BF is not home during the day you have the right to discipline him and he needs to respect you. You can't wait until your BF gets home to discipline him or reprimand him for something he did hours before. I would sit down as a family and tell him what you are going to expect him to do (i.e. chores etc.). He will not sleep until 4 p.m. bedtime is at say 11:30/midnight and he needs to be up and a productive member of society by 9:00 a.m. If he's tired then he needs to be responsible for getting to bed earlier then that. Stop picking up after him too. The shower thing is his own problem. They eventually will when they stink bad enough.

Jessys_Girl · July 2011

This is normal 15 y.o. boy behavior.

That being said, it's important to teach a 15 y.o. boy how NOT to stay a 15 y.o. boy for the rest of his life.

I'd have your DH begin this talk with him, but you need to help enforce/back it up to.

the talk should include these two important bullet points:

~These are the expectations of our home; Shower daily, clean up after self, out of bed by 10am daily, certain specific chores assigned to SS that he is responsible for.

~These are the consequences of not meeting these expectations: Grounding, removal of video games from your room/posession until you complete these things, etc.

SWmama · July 2011

Jessys_Girl:

This is normal 15 y.o. boy behavior.

That being said, it's important to teach a 15 y.o. boy how NOT to stay a 15 y.o. boy for the rest of his life.

I'd have your DH begin this talk with him, but you need to help enforce/back it up to.

the talk should include these two important bullet points:

~These are the expectations of our home; Shower daily, clean up after self, out of bed by 10am daily, certain specific chores assigned to SS that he is responsible for.

~These are the consequences of not meeting these expectations: Grounding, removal of video games from your room/posession until you complete these things, etc.

All of this. Even as much as it pains me, the getting up at 10 thing. School will be starting sooner than later for him so he needs to get used to getting up earlier than 4pm. Also, when I was a teen my mom and stepdad instituted a "no electronics after midnight" rule. It kept the house quiet so they could sleep but I was able to stay up later reading (which I lived). Maybe something like that as well?

fellesferie · July 2011

What are you going to do when your baby grows up and wants to make messes everywhere? You make clear your expectations, and if he doesn't follow through, you provide consistent consequences.

Me cleaning up like that after a child in my home would last about two days. There's no reason you should have to do it.

The child is in your home. While I think expectations & consequences in your home should be the result of a conversation with your BF, you should feel empowered to a) be part of the discussion, and b) dole out consequences if necessary.

If you don't WANT to deal with his son, then that's up to you. But you just need to talk with your BF to find something that works for both of you.

J&A2008 · July 2011

Woah. Before we talk about "laying down the law" lets consider what this kid has gone through. It sounds like he's been living in a free-for-all, unstable, unsafe home. There's going to need to be some good transition time and some open communication. I think a harsh approach to his lifestyle is going to land you, DH and SS in a lot of pain and hardship that you don't need.

You, DH, and SS need to talk about what your expectations are for your home. You can sympathize with him that it will be a change from what he is used to. You and DH are caring, involved parents, and that means you care about what he eats, when he sleeps, and how he takes care of his room and your home. He's obviously not used to that. It's going to be a learning process.

You might look at him and say, but he's almost 15! Why should I have to teach a 15 year old how/when to brush his teeth or to clean up after himself?

But, it sounds like he's never learned or been expected to do things that a 5 or 6 year old in a normal home would know how to do. So, step back and give him the training he should have had. It doesn't have to be belittling or "you should know this by now" but just take him as he is and work with him like you would someone who has never been taught to be responsible.

I wish you guys all the best and I think you and DH are doing the best thing for him! Give yourself plenty of credit for the small steps, and don't be discouraged when he doesn't do a 180 and grow up overnight. You'll get there!

jakraft837 · July 2011

BareBethC:
I think you should have your husband talk to him, because he's his son and his responsibility, and lay down the law that as long as he's under your roof, he needs to respect both of you, your home, and your rules.

jakraft837 · July 2011

YES! You and your husband need to sit down with him and have a serious talk! Remembering that, from the sounds of it, he was not taught or encouraged to care for himself or be around people that did that for themselves. Basically, you are trying to teach a 15 year old things you teach a toddler...pick up after yourself, personal care, respect.

Although that is your husbands son, I do feel that you do have to be looked at as an authority figure. Since you are home all day, I don't think things would work out if your only response is, "wait till your father gets home."

Don't be hard on him, again...these don't sound like life skills he's really learned. However, don't be a pushover either. Be understanding, but hold expectations. As long as everyone knows what thoes expectations are, it makes it a level playing ground.

And get ready for the "I never had to do that at my mom's house"....i hear that from my 5yo step son! LOL We just respond with, "yes, i get that...but you have to do that at this house."

+j+k+ · July 2011

Get rid of the video games until he completely follows the rules. Give him chores and daily jobs to do. Vacuum the living room. Take out the garbage. Mow the lawn. Clean out the garage. Load the dishwasher. Do his laundry. Whatever you want to assign him, assign him and keep him busy for a at least half a day every day with some kind of chore.

When SD and SS were living here, they had daily chores to do and they knew they better be done by the time we got home or they would not get any priveleges. They knew we were serious and they did them. Priveleges of phone, computer, tv, games, stereo, etc...were taken away when they did not comply.

In regards to the sleeping thing. Don't let him sleep. Knock on the door, give him 5 minutes to get presentable and up or you are coming in. And then go in and declare loudly that he's burning daylight, he's got chores to do and you expect them done. Come night time, DH needs to shut off the tv at whatever time you decide, disconnect the playstation and lock it away and tell his son that it's time to go to bed. DH needs to ride SS and check up on him and make sure he goes to sleep on a timely basis. If this 15 year old feels like he's being treated like a child, well...TOUGH! He's acting like a child. Act like a responsible teen/young adult and he'll be respected as one.

Get serious and make him do as you ask. Your DH needs to have the talk and follow up with him on a daily basis to make sure he is doing as asked, and he needs to let your SS know that you also make the rules and should be respected. As an adult and a home owner or rent payer, you have every right to demand that an underage child living in your home follow your rules. Make them and make him follow him or there will be consequences.

Does he have a phone? Take it away. Make that a consequence as well.

And then when he does do good, reward him with movie tickets or better yet, a baseball game or something else interesting he likes or likes to do - ANYTHING - out of the home. Get him out and get him interested in things outside video games and other lazy activities.

juliettodd · July 2011

+j+k+:

And then when he does do good, reward him with movie tickets or better yet, a baseball game or something else interesting he likes or likes to do - ANYTHING - out of the home. Get him out and get him interested in things outside video games and other lazy activities.

This. In my experience, technology wizard (video games, cell phones, ipods) = anti-social teenager. With our sons, it took them about a week to get over the withdrawl from not playing the video games. Be prepared for some initial pouting, rebellion and attitude.

My SSs were never required to clean up after themselves either. The way we handled this was to do the chores with them for about six months. One, you can teach them how you would like it clean, monitor what they are doing and make adjustments in real time. Two, it can be a real bonding time because what else is there to do but talk with each other while you work? Like PP said, remember that this is an adjustment. Give your support, stay firm and be consistent.

BN+JL2010 · July 2011

J&A2008:
Woah. Before we talk about "laying down the law" lets consider what this kid has gone through. It sounds like he's been living in a free-for-all, unstable, unsafe home. There's going to need to be some good transition time and some open communication. I think a harsh approach to his lifestyle is going to land you, DH and SS in a lot of pain and hardship that you don't need.

You, DH, and SS need to talk about what your expectations are for your home. You can sympathize with him that it will be a change from what he is used to. You and DH are caring, involved parents, and that means you care about what he eats, when he sleeps, and how he takes care of his room and your home. He's obviously not used to that. It's going to be a learning process.

You might look at him and say, but he's almost 15! Why should I have to teach a 15 year old how/when to brush his teeth or to clean up after himself?

But, it sounds like he's never learned or been expected to do things that a 5 or 6 year old in a normal home would know how to do. So, step back and give him the training he should have had. It doesn't have to be belittling or "you should know this by now" but just take him as he is and work with him like you would someone who has never been taught to be responsible.

I wish you guys all the best and I think you and DH are doing the best thing for him! Give yourself plenty of credit for the small steps, and don't be discouraged when he doesn't do a 180 and grow up overnight. You'll get there!

All of this, but especially the bolded. It will take some time, perhaps longer than you have patience for. When my son was giving me problems my father would always say "stay on him, persistence is the key" and he was right. This didn't mean hounding him in a negative way, but reinforcing all the good and helping him to make better decisions. Best of luck!

Want a personalized experience?

need help

Re: need help

Choose Another Board

Search Boards