Ugh....I think there's gonna be IL drama :P

molRN · July 2011

So DH and I are trying to plan ahead in terms of having visitors while I'm in the hospital. He and I have different preferences, but have come to a conclusion that satisfies us both. We agreed that after baby girl is born we want the first 24hrs to be just the three of us and then visitors are welcome.

I have talked with my mom about this and she is fine with it. She knew that DH and I really wanted some privacy durring the labor/birth process. She and my dad will plan to visit for Thanksgiving (my EDD is Nov. 19th so really it works out well).

DH has spoken with his family about it and I think it's going to be an issue. From what DH has told me, they were planning on getting to be there for the birth. So finding out that not only do we prefer that they are not there at the time of birth, but that we don't want visitors until after 24 hours doesn't seem to be sitting well with them. Ugh...I don't understand why they can't just respect our wishes!

**Just a little background on all of this: My ILs were present for my SIL's babies' births and it sounds like they were assuming that we wanted the same thing. However, SIL's situations with her two LOs were VERY different as the baby daddies were really not all all involved at all with the births or even PGs. So my IL (her parents) were her support person**

Also both families will have to travel quite a distance to visit (as in at least 8+ hours). It's not like they are local to us and have other things to do besides visit us.

If you read all of this, thank you, you deserve a treat of your choice (cookie, cake, doughnut...you pick!)

Laura23FP · July 2011

Doughnut, please

We are in this exact same situation, except our families are closer. However, they do not know yet. We want the exact same thing- only us for labor and delivery and then visitors once we say it is ok. Whether it will be a few hours or 24 after birth, we don't know yet.

We probably won't even tell them until either they ask or we are closer to the due date. The way I see it, I don't want to feel like I am hurting someone's feelings because maybe I didn't pay enough attention to someone while I am in the hospital (IL's would say that) or if something is wrong with the baby, I don't want to worry about that, plus the people in the waiting room.

Whatever happens, good luck!

molRN · July 2011

Laura23FP:

Doughnut, please

Haha, coming right up!

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this too. But I have to say it helps to know I'm not the only one in this position.

I guess the other thing that plays into it, is that both my DH and I are adopted (as are his siblings...I'm an only child). So our mom's can't really relate to the "we need privacy during this time" thing. Again, doesn't seem to be an issue with my mom, but probably because she knows me really well. But an inability to relate is probably a big factor too.

LoriJ11 · July 2011

I'll take a cookie.

I have learned that when it comes to things like this I unfortunately have to do what's right for my family and I. My IL's are usually not happy with this, but I am and I am doing what I think is best for us at that time. Stand your ground, it will not be the first. Once we had DD things got a LOT HARDER with the IL's.

HadleyS · July 2011

You know...I kinda want some "alone" time as well. Not 24 hours, but maybe an hour with hubs and our baby. I was kinda hoping that we could just call the grandparents (all live in town) once I am pretty far along....my MIL went up to the hospital the moment my SIL(her DIL) was induced! It of course took all day, but she was there. I do not want that!

(((hugs))) Maybe you can wait to tell them until the baby is already born and say that you both are exhausted and want some time to adjust to your LO until the next day. If you and DH are on board and stick together, no matter what you tell them, the worst they can do is complain about your wishes...you can always have the nurse come out and say "No Visitors".

Just don't make them mad until after they get you stuff for the babe....no grudge-holding allowed!

camdenfaithful · July 2011

When are you planning on calling them? If your plan is to have family time with the three of you for 24 hours after the birth and they live 8 hours away, I'd call them the next afternoon after you give birth so they can start making their way there.

Finding a common ground on how to deal with the families when it comes to L&D can be very challenging, especially if one or both sets of grandparents are very pushy on the issue.

For me this was one area I was not really willing to bend much on and it took a LOT of convincing to get DH on my side and make him understand why I felt the way I did. My parents and his father have been very understanding, but I think his mom's feelings are hurt that we're not calling people until after the baby is here.

molRN · July 2011

Since our families are both far away, we are going to call them once I am in labor and then they can make arrangements to come and visit. Realistically, they wouldn't be able to leave at the drop of a hat anyway (and they will be driving not flying, so that adds time, thankfully), and would hopefully allow us to have our time together with out issue. I'm hoping that this approach will work. But there is always the chance that they will come and just hang out until I go into labor. Ugh...I know that I'm probably working my self up for nothing but I'm such a planner, and just want to be prepared just incase.

Cookies (is choc chip ok, that's what I have on hand) and doughnuts all around Wink Haha!

camdenfaithful · July 2011

RachaelA:
molRN:
Since our families are both far away, we are going to call them once I am in labor and then they can make arrangements to come and visit. Realistically, they wouldn't be able to leave at the drop of a hat anyway (and they will be driving not flying, so that adds time, thankfully), and would hopefully allow us to have our time together with out issue. I'm hoping that this approach will work. But there is always the chance that they will come and just hang out until I go into labor. Ugh...I know that I'm probably working my self up for nothing but I'm such a planner, and just want to be prepared just incase.

Cookies (is choc chip ok, that's what I have on hand) and doughnuts all around Haha!
Why not wait then to call your ILs until after LO is born? That way you can guarantee you'll get some time to yourselves.

Ditto this. If you call when you go into labor, you need to be prepared that your ILs, based on how you described them, will just show up at the hospital.

Labor, especially for the first time, can last a loooooooooooong time.

Eris-Alexis · July 2011

Doughnut for me as well please Smile

That sounds really stressful. I'm so sorry they don't understand. Were you around when DH was telling his family? Maybe they don't understand because of how he explained it to them. I know this happens with my DH and MIL sometimes. Maybe you could both talk to them at the same time and let them know how important having this private time is to both of you.

I hope you are able to get it worked out. ((Big HUGS))

molRN · July 2011

RachaelA:
molRN:

Since our families are both far away, we are going to call them once I am in labor and then they can make arrangements to come and visit. Realistically, they wouldn't be able to leave at the drop of a hat anyway (and they will be driving not flying, so that adds time, thankfully), and would hopefully allow us to have our time together with out issue. I'm hoping that this approach will work. But there is always the chance that they will come and just hang out until I go into labor. Ugh...I know that I'm probably working my self up for nothing but I'm such a planner, and just want to be prepared just incase.

Cookies (is choc chip ok, that's what I have on hand) and doughnuts all around Haha!

Why not wait then to call your ILs until after LO is born? That way you can guarantee you'll get some time to yourselves.

If we wait and don't keep them in the loop with progress that will only make things worse Sad . Believe me, if we could get away with not calling, we would.

anonomity · July 2011

Not only do we share a due date, but I also think we have the same in-laws! Wink

Both me and my DH agree that we dont want any visitors until we are home from the hospital. (All of our families are also out of town.) Somehow this came up before I was even pregnant this time, and DH's parents FREAKED OUT that we didn't want them at the hospital -- threatening to call all the hospitals in our town to find us, saying they would come anyway, etc! DH told them then that if they couldn't handle respecting our wishes, then we wouldnt call until the baby was already here. That shut them up then, but I think we need to revisit the subject before November just in case!

Sorry, that was long and probably not helpful at all, but I wanted to let you know that I completely understand and that you are not alone! Good luck!

molRN · July 2011

BTW, DH's family is 14+ hours away if they drive straight though. My family would be traveling the 8hours.

Assuming that they don't leave until after we call them, I think things will work out even if I do have a long labor.

jess252 · July 2011

Just stick to your guns. And make sure your nurses know you dont want any one else around for 24hours. That way if someone shows up anyway, they cant come in. Your ILs might be mad, but they wont stay mad forever. This is your baby, and you have every right to want alone time with him/her.

jen629 · July 2011

My ILs were present for my SIL's babies' births and it sounds like they were assuming that we wanted the same thing.

This I do not understand those are her daughters and maybe they didnt mind (or were to afraid to say no)...do people not understand it is a private thing and some people are just not open to everyone seeing them deliver a baby? I am sorry you are having to deal with this...I would tell your nurse when you check in that you want no visitors at all for 24 hours that will keep them out

MrsAtch · July 2011

My fight hasn't been with the IL's- though I think they still expect to be present for the birth. The issue has been with my mom. I made it clear that DH and I were planning on going through the birth and delivery alone (it's the one thing that I feel like he can really be a part of and I want it to be memorable for him without having to fight his way through the crowd). She keeps saying things like "but I think you're going to need your mama there" etc. I'm okay with them being at the hospital but I really want some down time with Quinn and my hubby before the guests start piling in.

Additionally- when my brother's girlfriend gave birth it was her mom, my mom, my brother, and me. (I was NOT forcing my way- in fact I would have loved to not see so much of her nakedness but she insisted that I stay). I refuse to have a crowd when I give birth, or directly after- and I don't really give a crap whether my parents or DH's parents like it or not.

molRN · July 2011

anonomity:
Not only do we share a due date, but I also think we have the same in-laws!
Both me and my DH agree that we dont want any visitors until we are home from the hospital. (All of our families are also out of town.) Somehow this came up before I was even pregnant this time, and DH's parents FREAKED OUT that we didn't want them at the hospital -- threatening to call all the hospitals in our town to find us, saying they would come anyway, etc! DH told them then that if they couldn't handle respecting our wishes, then we wouldnt call until the baby was already here. That shut them up then, but I think we need to revisit the subject before November just in case!
Sorry, that was long and probably not helpful at all, but I wanted to let you know that I completely understand and that you are not alone! Good luck!

It's definitely nice to know that I'm not alone.

molRN · July 2011

jess252:
Just stick to your guns. And make sure your nurses know you dont want any one else around for 24hours. That way if someone shows up anyway, they cant come in. Your ILs might be mad, but they wont stay mad forever. This is your baby, and you have every right to want alone time with him/her.

Definitely already planning on this Big Smile . I'm going to be staying on the same floor that I work on as a nurse. So I'll have my fellow nurses to help me manage things which is with out a doubt going to be wonderful.

LottaLattes · July 2011

You know, I didn't know what I wanted, and my SIL really wanted to be around when I had my first (like right after) and while it wasn't terrible she was there, it definitely would have been MUCH BETTER if I hadn't been needing to spend any attention on anyone but my family and my new baby.

It's really too bad they aren't respecting your wishes without adding any guilt. Hopefully they come around and are able to suck it up! Like with birth plans, if you have a strong opinion on what you want, you should definitely stand your ground and make it the birth you want. You won't get to redo it!

Karen1998 · July 2011

Our situation is similar and yet a bit different. We told our families that we don't want anyone visiting for the first few hours after birth. Both sets of parents are 4+ hours away, so if we don't call them until shortly before birth (which is when we told them we'd call), then they won't be here until several hours after anyway. I want to be able to nurse and bond immediately after birth and then they'll take the baby to the nursery for a few hours for testing and observation (that's standard procedure at my hospital).

When I talked to my doctor about this (she asked who I wanted in the delivery room), she suggested that we have visitors come in the couple of hours after birth when the baby is in the nursery being observed by the doctors. Then, have the nurses clear them out before the baby comes back to my room. That way, they get to see the baby in the nursery (and satisfy the need to immediately see him), but I can also keep him to myself for a while. We don't plan to go this route, but it could be a compromise that works for you if your hospital does the same thing.

taurus424 · July 2011

yep sounds like trouble is brewing....first of all i think it is different for your SIL bc it was her own mother...it wasnt the baby-daddy momma...you know?!?

possibly you can tell the OB check in desk that you arent accepting visitors for the first 24 hours. then they will tell the visitors to come back....

ZZsmommy · July 2011

Ugh, I would never presume to invite myself into someone's labor and delivery room! Eww! When I had my C-section, I had asked my mom to be there, and was glad she was.....but if my in-laws were there - just EWWWWWW! I don't want anyone else seeing me lying naked, strapped to a table with my arms spread out as if waiting for crucifixtion. To be honest, part of me was a little creeped out that my mom was seeing me that way! Nor would I have wanted them there staring at my unclothed lower body as I push a baby out of my vag. YUCK!

As far as wanting that first 24 hours - that's your perogative. I certainly don't think it is excessive. My SIL demanded 2 WEEKS of private alone time with the baby (because she didn't want anyone telling her she was doing things wrong - she wanted 2 weeks to become a perfect mom). Of course, she invited her family sooner, and only kept the in laws away for the full 2 weeks. Oh well, it was her baby/her choice.

I guess its inevitable that someone will, at some point, get their feelings hurt, because different people have very different expectations. But it is YOUR labor and delivery, so, for this milestone in your life, you do have full rights to call all the shots! Good Luck!

ColleenS629 · July 2011

I wanted some alone time too but we have to have my parents watch our dog while we're at the hospital so they have to know when I go into labor. In the end, what ever it is, it is... the only thing I am 100% not okay with is if the babies have to go to the NICU, I don't want anyone in our families other than DH seeing/ holding the babies before I get to.

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Ugh....I think there's gonna be IL drama :P

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