Giving up... (vent/whine inside)

Rawr08 · July 2011

Do you ever feel like giving up? It seems like I go back and forth, one day I am willing to do whatever it takes to get KU, and the next day I don't see the point. Well, today, I don't see the point. How can we throw so much money at the baby-making stuff and not know if it is going to work? When I think about it, I would be fine if it was just DH, the cats and me. What about our parents though? They want to be grandparents and we are the only chance they have. I feel like we would be letting them down if we did not proceed with IF treatments.

I'm not sure what I am getting at here, I guess - help a girl out. Tell me how you "keep the faith" that one day you will get your take home baby. Or, tell me how you finally decided to give up. I feel like we are at a cross-roads and I don't know which way to go... I know only DH and I can figure that out, I just wish it wasn't a decision. I wish we could do it on our own...

end vent/whine.

heathergirl67 · July 2011

No advice here because I'm right there with you. SO many times I've felt "Forget it. It's obviously not going to happen, I should just find a way to be happy with my life as it is." But then other times I imagine never having a child for the rest of my life and it seems empty and pointless to go on, like I just couldn't/wouldn't want to live without the hope of ever becoming a parent.

I guess for us the big Decision Moment will be when we get to the point of deciding whether or not to do IVF. It just seems like such an incredible amount of money to spend on a maybe, yk? I hope we don't get to that point, but it's approaching faster than I imagined it would.

Carolee · July 2011

I could have written this post. I'm terrified of paying for IVF and having it not work. That's pretty much the end of the line for us. We don't have $ to pay for a surrogate, and DH and I aren't sure that adoption is for us. I am trying to accept the possibility that it could just be DH and I.

Honestly, it's gotten harder and harder for me to "keep the faith." I don't know if we'll ever be parents to a take home baby. I wish I felt differently, but as time passes, my hope seems to die more and more. I don't feel like I'm ready to give up yet, but we'll see how I feel if IVF doesn't work. I agree that I wish it wasn't a decision for us all. It really is so unfair.

Big (((HUGS)))

Texas77again · July 2011

oh my gosh, i had that thought so many freaking times. when i was really low i would just say fck it, why bother. then the next day i would feel hopeful and want to do anything to make it happen. i don't have any real advice for you except that you have to make the decision that is right for you and dh, not your families.

what are your thoughts on adoption/surrogate/foster kind of stuff?

CashewsMommy · July 2011

{{{hugs}}}

I feel like that all of the time! I'm really really getting sick of this TTC business. I wish I knew what specifically keeps me going, besides the dream of having a little baby of my own in my arms.

I think on these days, it's best to lay low and not make any important decisions.

Rawr08 · July 2011

Texas77again:

oh my gosh, i had that thought so many freaking times. when i was really low i would just say fck it, why bother. then the next day i would feel hopeful and want to do anything to make it happen. i don't have any real advice for you except that you have to make the decision that is right for you and dh, not your families.

what are your thoughts on adoption/surrogate/foster kind of stuff?

At this point adoption/surrogate/fostering is not really an option. I will not say that it never will be, just at this very moment we are not ready for all of that.

PS- girls I want to thank you for making me realize I am not crazy, that the emotions I am feeling are "normal" when it comes to TTCAL/IF - I really appreciate all of the support you have shown me!

butterfly843 · July 2011

I have had thoughts like that. We have been trying for so many years and some days it gets so frustrating. I have had thoughts of selling our house and moving to the caribbean or to Italy or just somewhere far away.

b2b999 · July 2011

I think about this all the time, we sat down this past week to figure out how we will be able to afford the next steps. According to our RE we need to have at least $18,000 before we start IUIs so that we don't have to delay in between treatments. And we need 30,000 for IVF - it is all completely OOP, I am doubtful we will ever be able to afford that.

I turned 30 this year and according to our budget, best case scenario we will not be able to afford the next step (IUI) until 2018. There are many days when i ask myself - is it worth it? Living always for the future possibility - no vacations, no new cars, no luxuries of any kind so that in 7 years we can try something our RE is skeptical about at best.

IF we could get (and stay) pregnant on our own, or even with clomid, then we would have our kids and be so ecstatic, but we can't and there is many a day when I give up. I think about joining the child free not by choice board.

Rawr08 · July 2011

b2b999:

I think about this all the time, we sat down this past week to figure out how we will be able to afford the next steps. According to our RE we need to have at least $18,000 before we start IUIs so that we don't have to delay in between treatments. And we need 30,000 for IVF - it is all completely OOP, I am doubtful we will ever be able to afford that.

I turned 30 this year and according to our budget, best case scenario we will not be able to afford the next step (IUI) until 2018. There are many days when i ask myself - is it worth it? Living always for the future possibility - no vacations, no new cars, no luxuries of any kind so that in 7 years we can try something our RE is skeptical about at best.

IF we could get (and stay) pregnant on our own, or even with clomid, then we would have our kids and be so ecstatic, but we can't and there is many a day when I give up. I think about joining the child free not by choice board.

I am right there with you!

It really sucks that these treatments cost so much money - and most - if not all is OOP.

You know, I think about the (few) couples I know. (My parent's friends) Who don't have kids, and I always thought : "Why didn't they have kids, what is wrong with them?" AND now I feel like an asshat for thinking that. That could be us one day, the couple everyone looks at and is sad because they don't have kids.

Life with just DH and I would be fantastic though, ya know? We could take vacations and not feel bad about leaving children at home. We can stay out all night and not worry about a babysitter - my list can go on and on. BUT, is all that "fun" really worth not having a baby in our arms? I'm not sure...

MandaS08 · July 2011

I totally understand! I HATE that money even plays a part when thinking about whether or not to continue trying to have a baby or not. That seems SO unfair, but sadly its reality. Its so scary to think of spending the money on IUI's and IVF, to not have it work.

I feel like if I gave up though, I'd look back at some point and regret it, but would probably never look back and regret trying everthing possible-especially if it results in a baby.

(((HUGS)))

csquared426 · July 2011

I don't have much advice b/c I am in the same boat. We are starting the meds for IVF next month, and IF treatments are not covered under my insurance so everything is OOP for us. I can't imagine going through all of this stuff, and not coming out with a baby in the end. It absolutely terrifies me and this is absolutely going to drain our savings account.

Big, huge HUGS to you.

GuppyAmy · July 2011

I've been there. It sucks! I can tell you when I was panicking about about starting our 2nd IVF cycle worrying if it wouldn't work, I expressed my concerns to my husband he got all mad and said if I was going in with that attitude, we shouldn't do it. In my DH's mind attitude is the only thing we can control. I said I've tried being upbeat only to be beat down again again. *hugs* I'm sorry, I know it's hard and no one has a crystal ball to know when/if it's going to work.

johnnys june · July 2011

I understand the desire to give up...or maybe not the desire, but the feeling to need to give up...for sanity sake. I haven't gotten to IUI or IVF, so I haven't had to think about it. But the thought of the possibility scares me. I think it's normal to want to give up. We're human. We're exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. But I think you'll "know" when you're ready to "let go" of this journey and this dream...if ever. *huge hugs*

cutebride73 · July 2011

I understand what you are feeling here for sure. I really don't know what to do anymore. I mean I am in a slightly different position as I do have a DD - she is almost 21 (I was young) and she is going to be a junior in college. I always, always thought I would have more children. I was a single mother for a long, long time and I didn't meet DH until she was 17. Although, I am "only" 38 - we started trying right after we got married 2 years ago, so I was just 36 then and I certainly didn't think I was going to be in this position now.

It's just so hard after all of these failures. Trying for months, having 2 losses b2b. Trying some more (RE was convinced I would have success). Then a round of clomid that didn't work, two unmedicated IUI's (one worked, but another loss), then a cycle of injects - no luck. Now 2 failed IVF's. Well, one failed and another loss. It all amounts to me wanting to beat my head against a wall. It's all just enough to make me want to say forget it, it's not worth it to keep trying.

But, then I think of never having a baby again and that just kills me too. It is all so damn hard. It shouldn't be, it just shouldn't be.

shouldbworkin · July 2011

I have to think it's normal b/c I've felt it so many times. I'm now just ambivalent, which if I posted feeling like that on a regular TTC board would get me flamed to hell and back. I have to think it's my mind's way of protecting itself. I've also found that my feelings on TTC change during my cycle. I have my hopeful and hopeless parts of my cycle. I did just take a 2 month break and I have to say it did wonders for me. I may be a basket case again next month or go back on BCP b/c it's too much for me to handle, but right now it's helped put me in a good state of mind.

UOduckBride2be · July 2011

Hey, I am in WA too! I totally get where you are coming from however I think I am at the other end of the spectrum and I don't think it is any more healthy of a mindset to be in necessarily. I have never wanted to give up. I have wanted it all to be over, but only with it resulting in the birth of a health child for me. Seriously I am Pollyanna, Sunshine and Rainbows with my head in the sand most of the time. Every time I get pregnant I order my husband to get excited with me even though he doesn't want to until the pregnancy reaches a milestone we've never hit before. It's hard to carry this potentially unrealistic attitude around and never consider the possibility that it may never happen for me. If that is what my future holds I am certain I am going to have an exceedinly rough time accepting it. BTW, I am at SRM now having a bunch of testing next week. If you ever want to talk to someone, shoot me a msg. I'm usually on the 35+ board when I can be online, but this fits too.

Good Luck!

Rawr08 · July 2011

UOduckBride2be:

Hey, I am in WA too! I totally get where you are coming from however I think I am at the other end of the spectrum and I don't think it is any more healthy of a mindset to be in necessarily. I have never wanted to give up. I have wanted it all to be over, but only with it resulting in the birth of a health child for me. Seriously I am Pollyanna, Sunshine and Rainbows with my head in the sand most of the time. Every time I get pregnant I order my husband to get excited with me even though he doesn't want to until the pregnancy reaches a milestone we've never hit before. It's hard to carry this potentially unrealistic attitude around and never consider the possibility that it may never happen for me. If that is what my future holds I am certain I am going to have an exceedinly rough time accepting it. BTW, I am at SRM now having a bunch of testing next week. If you ever want to talk to someone, shoot me a msg. I'm usually on the 35+ board when I can be online, but this fits too.

Good Luck!

DH is going to SRM in August, I think I am going to make an appointment for myself. Which Dr. do you see? I have a few recommendations already.

UOduckBride2be · July 2011

Most people I know who have been there and had success saw Klein intitially, (one friend really liked Lin and said while she was Klein's patient it was Lin that did her ET and "got her pregnant"), but my OB referred me to Letterie. His practice (NW center for Reproductive Sciences) merged with SRM earlier this year. We have only had our initial consult so far, but my husband and I both really liked him. I'm really impressed that he suggested Karyotyping for us because of my losses prior to any treatment. I have noticed that most Dr.'s only do this AFTER you have had failed IVF's. I'd rather pay for the expensive test before shelling out $$ for a cycle that had very little shot of working in the first place. I also like Letterie's nurse who I have been working with. I am a needle phobe and have to have a TON of bloodwork next week and they are being really accommodating so far, (even telling me who I should have do the draws and precribing me an anti-anxiety med for my phobia to get through it). Like you I didn't just want to go to SRM because they are the largest, and I have heard people make the "baby factory" comment. I was/am also interested in Oregon Reproductive. I know it would be a trek, but their success rates and pricing options are impressive. Ultimately I decided that there was no harm in going to SRM for the testing and maybe an IUI to see if I was comfortable there before commiting to a possible IVF with them. It should give me enough info on the level of care I would be receiving before shelling out for any of their shared risk financial programs.

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