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Visitation after 18 months!

cmanmomcmanmom
in Single Parents

So my exH has been absent for the past 18 months from using his visitation with DS (4 1/2 yrs old).

exH is going to be in town on one of his visitation days and wants to use it.  It's a day, for 6 hours and he wants it all - off the bat, after not seeing/being with DS for 18 months.  This is a standing PP, and I know legally he gets this time but I'm thinking DS is going to FREAK out. Thank goodness he doesn't (and never did) have any overnights, but still 6 hours with a virtual stranger is kind of scary for a 4 yr. old right? 

Can I insist that we have a transition time where I am present for DS sake?  Or at least cut the visit time down to maybe 2 or 4 hours?  Thoughts?  Maybe do an hour together at a park or something and then he takes him for a few hours just them?

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Re: Visitation after 18 months!

  • kmartinez80kmartinez80 member

    I don't know how your relationship is with your ex, but I would definitely propose to him that you have an hour overlap for transistion.  You could even offer that the 6 hours starts when you so that your ex wouldn't feel like he was having time taken away.  If possible, when bringing the idea up to your ex, can you try to make it seem like it's his idea?  Maybe saying something along the lines of you want the visit to be good for both ex and DS and ask him for suggestions of how to ease the transistion for DS?

    If your ex flat out refuses then you either need to just suck it up and know that it won't permanently scar DS to go for the visit or be prepared to contact your lawyer for advice.  Ultimately, I don't think you can force your ex to do a transistion or agree to a shorter visit, but it doesn't hurt to ask.  Good luck!

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  • achase123achase123

    Would he be ok with you being there too? 

     He's a stranger to DS.  Even having an hour of transition time will not be enough, IMO.  I think that you need to try to figure some sort of compromise out with him, if not, speak to your lawyer about what can be done.  I think you also need to look into getting the CO changed, considering it has been so long.

    And....what are the odds he's just threatening to exercise the visitation to get you all riled up, and won't even follow through?

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  • cmanmomcmanmom

    That's a great idea about starting the time after we transition if he puts up a fight.  Also about making whatever seem to be his idea ;)

    I don't care about the time in general...it's just that it's been SO long and DS (taking into consideration his personality) is going to flip.  I know it won't cause permanent damage thankfully - except maybe to their relationship...

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  • cmanmomcmanmom
    imageachase123:

    Would he be ok with you being there too? 

     I don't know.  I don't think he would have a problem with it...

     He's a stranger to DS.  Even having an hour of transition time will not be enough, IMO.  I think that you need to try to figure some sort of compromise out with him, if not, speak to your lawyer about what can be done.  I think you also need to look into getting the CO changed, considering it has been so long.

    I know, remember me?  I'm the one that put in for phone visitation only because he's been gone for so long, only to have his mom get him a lawyer 24 hours before the judge signed the paper AFTER the 20 day waiting period, and him saying it was fine etc.  Then he filed his response that was asking for 5 day, 4 overnights starting right away, every other holiday, every school break, and half of summers?  Yah, that backfired.  Nothing more has happened with his proposal, so our old PP stands, and he says he's going to take his visitation (the 6 hours referenced above) coming up in 2 weeks.

    And....what are the odds he's just threatening to exercise the visitation to get you all riled up, and won't even follow through?

    Slim to none.  I'm starting to think that he lost his job based on the child support that has been coming...I should get a payment today on the schedule that it's been on for the past 2 months and haven't yet.  And somehow he's able to be back in town away from his job for 2 + weeks that he just started 2 months ago.  Hmm...???

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  • achase123achase123
    imagecmanmom:
    imageachase123:

    Would he be ok with you being there too? 

     I don't know.  I don't think he would have a problem with it...

     He's a stranger to DS.  Even having an hour of transition time will not be enough, IMO.  I think that you need to try to figure some sort of compromise out with him, if not, speak to your lawyer about what can be done.  I think you also need to look into getting the CO changed, considering it has been so long.

    I know, remember me?  I'm the one that put in for phone visitation only because he's been gone for so long, only to have his mom get him a lawyer 24 hours before the judge signed the paper AFTER the 20 day waiting period, and him saying it was fine etc.  Then he filed his response that was asking for 5 day, 4 overnights starting right away, every other holiday, every school break, and half of summers?  Yah, that backfired.  Nothing more has happened with his proposal, so our old PP stands, and he says he's going to take his visitation (the 6 hours referenced above) coming up in 2 weeks.

    And....what are the odds he's just threatening to exercise the visitation to get you all riled up, and won't even follow through?

    Slim to none.  I'm starting to think that he lost his job based on the child support that has been coming...I should get a payment today on the schedule that it's been on for the past 2 months and haven't yet.  And somehow he's able to be back in town away from his job for 2 + weeks that he just started 2 months ago.  Hmm...???

    Then if he is ok with you being there, I would be.  I realize it's awkward (and I DO remember your story now) but it would be in DS' best interest.

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  • cmanmomcmanmom

    Be there the whole time?  Because we are divorced for a reason LOL.  I of course would be there as long as he would allow me to - for DS best interest I would do anything of course! (look at you being around SD for P - we all know you'd rather be anywhere than with him!)

    But what does anyone think would be a good proposal?  I was thinking to be there for the first hour and then cut the time he is with exH alone down to 2-3 hours if he would go for it...I don't know if that's asking too much though.

    Anyone?  Thoughts? 

    I did talk to my lawyer about this before (in case it ever happened that he just showed up one day wanting to exercise visitation out of the blue after being gone for so long) and she said that I didn't have to give DS to him outright, but this was before all these court happenings...the last thing I want is for him to run to his lawyer and push for the other stuff to start happening (since it's been sitting dormant since May without him pushing for anything to be done - see how much he loves and cares about seeing DS?)  Also, I don't have a problem calling my lawyer to check, but would rather save the $100 or so it will cost me KWIM?

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  • achase123achase123
    imagecmanmom:

    Be there the whole time?  Because we are divorced for a reason LOL.  I of course would be there as long as he would allow me to - for DS best interest I would do anything of course! (look at you being around SD for P - we all know you'd rather be anywhere than with him!)

    But what does anyone think would be a good proposal?  I was thinking to be there for the first hour and then cut the time he is with exH alone down to 2-3 hours if he would go for it...I don't know if that's asking too much though.

    Anyone?  Thoughts? 

    I did talk to my lawyer about this before (in case it ever happened that he just showed up one day wanting to exercise visitation out of the blue after being gone for so long) and she said that I didn't have to give DS to him outright, but this was before all these court happenings...the last thing I want is for him to run to his lawyer and push for the other stuff to start happening (since it's been sitting dormant since May without him pushing for anything to be done - see how much he loves and cares about seeing DS?)  Also, I don't have a problem calling my lawyer to check, but would rather save the $100 or so it will cost me KWIM?

    Well, only you know what is right/appropriate for DS.  I would stay for as long as it was necessary for DS to feel comfortable.  If that's the whole time, then that's the whole time.  And if he will let you be there (which it sounds like he will) then I would be as sweet as can be and just go with it because you don't want to "poke the bear" so to speak.  I am saying that simply because I don't want you to get into it with him, and then he goes to his lawyer and they take you back to court about all of this.

    Maybe he won't go through with it after all.  Or, if he does, maybe he will see just how hard it is to parent, especially after being out of DS' life for so long.  I can imagine the first few hours will be all puppies and rainbows, but after DS gets tired/cranky/hungry/wet/has a meltdown it won't look as glamorous as he had imagined.

    Part of me wishes that in my situation SD got to hang out with P for a little longer.  He's generally pretty good natured but he has his moments.  It's difficult to see all of that in 1.5 hours but if the visits were longer he might throw a good tantrum or two!

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