DH does not want to go to 1st appt.

k8trz1024 · July 2011

I've had 3 losses, 2 of which in the last year. DH and I weren't trying this time and it was a surprise when we got a BFP. I have my first appointment and u/s next Monday, Aug. 1st. I'll be 6wks exactly so there is a slight chance it will be possible to see/hear a hb. I asked DH if he'd go with me and he told me that he really didn't want to since it was so hard last time (missed m/c at 10 wks and no hb...). He wants me to be further along before he goes because he said he doesn't want to get excited yet. I understand this, but at the same time what does he think it's like for me? I haven't told anyone but him and all you bumpies that I'm pg. I'm scared to go alone but at the same time I don't want anyone else but him going with me, even my mom. I love him and want to understand and be okay with it, but I kind of resent him for it at the same time. I don't want to make it a fight, so I'm just dealing with it. Have any of you ladies gone through this, or were scared to go alone for different reasons?

kathymarie · July 2011

That's kind of shittty of him. So he just thinks you should go alone? Perhaps he'll change his mind before them.

MissAutumn · July 2011

I am sorry that you have to go through this on top of everything else us PGAL gals have to deal with. Although I know it must be hard for your DH, I think it is a little selfish of him to just let you go it alone. Huh?

Im sorry. I would def give my DH a mean look if he did this and maybe a few nights in the guest room. Wink

ravenorchid · July 2011

Hmm, I understand what he's saying, but I actually think that's not really fair to you. I think if it's important to you that he be there, you should tell him that. In our first pregnancy, my DH did not come to the first appt or many of the other appts, but I made it clear to him that this pregnancy I needed him to be there more often (and definitely for our first one). I wanted to have his support right there if I did get bad news because I wasn't sure I could take that kind of news alone. I think if that's how you feel, you have the right to explain that to DH. Either way, good luck at your first appt!

k8trz1024 · July 2011

Thanks for the comments ladies! I wasn't sure if I was right to feel the way I do. I think I'll try to explain how important it is to me. If it doesn't work, then I guess I'll just be the stronger person and do what I have to do. I would ask my mom to go in that situation, but part of me really wants to tell her and my dad together after I have the u/s photo. It's been an emotional roller coaster for everyone.

karma79 · July 2011

k8trz1024:
Thanks for the comments ladies! I wasn't sure if I was right to feel the way I do. I think I'll try to explain how important it is to me. If it doesn't work, then I guess I'll just be the stronger person and do what I have to do. I would ask my mom to go in that situation, but part of me really wants to tell her and my dad together after I have the u/s photo. It's been an emotional roller coaster for everyone.

You have every right to feel this way. I think DH is being unfair. I get it that he doesn't want to be disappointed and it's scary but it's scary for you too. I really hope he changes his mind before the appt. Either way it goes and I'll keep you in my T&P for a great appt, he should be there to support you. He doesn't have to go to all the appts but the first one is probably a good idea. GL.

lauralew · July 2011

I think if you talk to him about it he might come around. Maybe even saying, "I feel the same way. I am so scared about how that u/s will turn out. I understand why you are dreading going...but I need you there. If it is bad, I need you to cry with. If it is good, I need you to celebrate with." I think if you talk in a way that you understand where he is coming from he may come around. Saying things like, "Well, how do you think I feel?!?!" probably won't help (though it's what I would want to say, too).

Maybe he was just expressing how he felt, but is still planning on going with you?

jamilynn9 · July 2011

k8trz1024:
Thanks for the comments ladies! I wasn't sure if I was right to feel the way I do. I think I'll try to explain how important it is to me. If it doesn't work, then I guess I'll just be the stronger person and do what I have to do. I would ask my mom to go in that situation, but part of me really wants to tell her and my dad together after I have the u/s photo. It's been an emotional roller coaster for everyone.

You are right to feel upset. Yes, DH is entitled to his own fears, but he needs to set them aside and be strong for you. I'd wait a day or so and then rationally explain that you are nervous too and marriage is about going through the hard times together, not alone. Ask for his emotional support...he may not be thinking of how it would affect you if he didn't go. Sometimes men need it stated directly.

GuppyAmy · July 2011

Have you tried telling him how you feel? Like really telling him. Not yelling or crying but talking. I had an epiphany moment the other day when I got mad at DH for not do something but I never actually *said* what I wanted. I just implied it and the male brain does not do well with hints or more subtle ways of asking so when I came out and told him what I wanted, he did it with no problem but didn't think to do it on his own. The difference from the male to female brain.

ravenorchid · July 2011

k8trz1024:
Thanks for the comments ladies! I wasn't sure if I was right to feel the way I do. I think I'll try to explain how important it is to me. If it doesn't work, then I guess I'll just be the stronger person and do what I have to do. I would ask my mom to go in that situation, but part of me really wants to tell her and my dad together after I have the u/s photo. It's been an emotional roller coaster for everyone.

I think that's totally understandable. We didn't tell my folks until after the first u/s and you shouldn't feel rushed into it.

hopeandlove0417 · July 2011

WoW, your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and get over it. It is just as hard on you, and he needs to be there for YOU. Did you try telling him YOU need the support and YOU can't do this by yourself? If I where you I wouldn't stop trying tto talk to I'm about it until he goes...that's not right that he expects you to go by yourself, he needs to put YOUR feelings into consideration. Sorry for flaming your DH...I just think it's horrible that you may go by yourself simply because your DH is being selfish. I know it's hard after a loss/multiple losses, but you two made the baby together....so you guys should be in this together every step of the way. *hugs* to you, I hope your DH changes his mind.

nikki04vb · July 2011

Wait... are you having this baby together or does he expect you to do it all by yourself? You already have a pretty significant role.

I told DH he was coming with me. I didn't ask. I was scared to go alone bc last time I had an u/s it was a missed m/c @ 13 weeks. I don't think I'll be able to go alone for a while.

I would talk to your DH again and let him know that you're also scared and you would like it if you had his support. He's obviously not thinking of your feelings or how scary this is going to be for YOU.

Eris-Alexis · July 2011

I can understand him wanting to protect himself, but that's really selfish of him. It's just as hard, if not harder on you. You should not go alone. Have you told him how you are feeling and that you are just as scared as he is? I hope he realizes that you need him there and comes with.

amu1234 · July 2011

lauralew:
I think if you talk to him about it he might come around. Maybe even saying, "I feel the same way. I am so scared about how that u/s will turn out. I understand why you are dreading going...but I need you there. If it is bad, I need you to cry with. If it is good, I need you to celebrate with." I think if you talk in a way that you understand where he is coming from he may come around. Saying things like, "Well, how do you think I feel?!?!" probably won't help (though it's what I would want to say, too).
Maybe he was just expressing how he felt, but is still planning on going with you?

This exactly! My DH was a bit nervous going to our first appt. but I explained to him just how afraid I was to go by myself. After hearing that I had my fears also he felt better about going no matter what the outcome. GL

k8trz1024 · July 2011

GuppyAmy:
Have you tried telling him how you feel? Like really telling him. Not yelling or crying but talking. I had an epiphany moment the other day when I got mad at DH for not do something but I never actually *said* what I wanted. I just implied it and the male brain does not do well with hints or more subtle ways of asking so when I came out and told him what I wanted, he did it with no problem but didn't think to do it on his own. The difference from the male to female brain.

In reading this post I had an epiphany as well! You're right! I didn't tell DH what I needed or how it made me feel. I am scared too - I never said those words. I was trying to avoid an argument so I just took what he said with a grain of salt and said "I understand" thinking that he'd just know that "I understand" means "I'm scared too and you need to be there no matter what so that we can support each other!" I think I was/am expecting him to just know how much I need him and I haven't actually told him. Yes, he's being a pain in the a$$ and being selfish, but I should tell him how much it means to me if he will go. I really think I could do it alone if I have to, but I REALLY don't want to. Thanks to all you ladies to responded! You all are so encouraging and have totally helped me see things from a different perspective (which is crucial sometimes in marriage!!!)

MsPegees · July 2011

I would be really upset if my DH tried to pull this. I know this is a hard place for a couple to be, however, neither of you are in this alone. It is easier for the men to remove themselves at the beginning, but you can't. I would probably sit my DH down and explain how I was feeling. I agree with PP as well, if he didn't end up coming in the end, I would make sure he know the guest room would be his bed room for a while.

LoriJ11 · July 2011

lauralew:
I think if you talk to him about it he might come around. Maybe even saying, "I feel the same way. I am so scared about how that u/s will turn out. I understand why you are dreading going...but I need you there. If it is bad, I need you to cry with. If it is good, I need you to celebrate with." I think if you talk in a way that you understand where he is coming from he may come around. Saying things like, "Well, how do you think I feel?!?!" probably won't help (though it's what I would want to say, too).
Maybe he was just expressing how he felt, but is still planning on going with you?

All of this. I didn't realize how scared DH was until recently. He comes to my appointments but they deal with it in different ways than we do. GL. I hope he comes around.

thewayiam · July 2011

MissAutumn:
I am sorry that you have to go through this on top of everything else us PGAL gals have to deal with. Although I know it must be hard for your DH, I think it is a little selfish of him to just let you go it alone. Im sorry. I would def give my DH a mean look if he did this and maybe a few nights in the guest room.

I totally agree. IMO, too bad for him if it's too hard for him to deal with. As his baby is in your uterus, you have no choice but to go and deal with it. He needs to be there for you if (God forbid) things don't go well. I would be livid. I think it's very, very selfish.

I hope everything goes well and that you manage to see/hear a HB. If you can't, remember it's still early!

TeacherVicky · July 2011

Your DH is fearful but he has to understand that you are feeling the same way. It's not fair for him to protect himself from that fear and make you face it alone.

itsmegin · July 2011

You need to tell him how you feel. He needs to man up and support you, if something goes wrong you shouldn't be alone.

luckycharm06 · July 2011

((hugs)) sorry you're going through that. he really should be more sympathetic to you and not just consider his feelings about this pregnancy. hopefully he'll come around (they usually do) and be there to support you. if not, you have us!!!

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