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Stay at Home Moms
Non-SAHM friends (vent)
I was a nanny before I became a stay at home mom. I have lots of friends that spend the day with children so I thought that I would have plenty of people to hang out with once I quit my job... WRONG!
All of my nanny friends still have 2 incomes in their households. Not to mention there employeers pay for their gas, the kids food, etc when they are out. None of them want to do something that is free or pack lunches and they always eat out!
Today for instance, my LO got up at 6am and he's exhausted. So, I texted a few friends to see if anyone was doing anything early so that I could be back home for nap. Of course not... then they ALL, all 4 of them, started complaining because I wouldn't meet them for lunch at a restruant that's a 45 minute drive from my house. Not only would I have to spend $10 on lunch, I would use a 1/2 tank of gas. So, I just told them that maybe we could get together tomorrow somewhere a little closer to me.
UGHHHHHH... Then they all B!tch and try to make me feel bad, like I am being a bad friend because I don't come to some of their outings.
I need to find some SAHM friends... any suggestions? I live in the triangle area of North Carolina.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Non-SAHM friends (vent)
Wow that's frustrating! I'm sorry you have to deal with their attitudes.
I know what you mean though..it's hard to find people that understand what it's like to SAH...I also have been suffering with PPD since DD was born, so its even harder to get people to understand what i'ts like to SAH with PPD.
It sounds like that they want to see you. You just seem "irritated" that it's not your own terms.
Not all SAHM's do early cheap/free outings. Going out to lunch once in awhile isn't a big deal and it gets you out of the house and with other people. Well, worth it IMO.
I too suffered from PPD and that is soooo difficult. Especially when you are at home alone, a lot. If you ever want someone to talk to... PM me or email me tothemaxx04 at gmail dot com.
I'm not a thrifty SAHM at all, but my issue was that DD wouldn't let me get further than 10 min. from our house without screaming/choking in the car. My other SAHM friends continued to live their lives, but I wrote up an email for all of them about my current situation and that I still wanted to see them even though things were rough with DD and I was pretty much housebound. They understood and even made the effort to involve us even though it was a PITA for them sometimes (one lives 45 min. away so we used to just meet 1/2 way, but that was too far for me with DD).
I agree with pp that maybe if you just do something with them like lunch every other week or something like that it would be good. Maybe then they will meet you half-way (literally and figuratively) every now and then too.
I know that they want to see me. I see all of these ladies often! I guess what I didn't make clear is that I ALWAYS meet on their terms... where they want to play, eat, hang out, etc. I drive past multiple parks to go meet them at parks that are convient to them, so that they can be close to where their kids nap. It's not often that I ask them to meet me somewhere near my house and a lot of the times that they eat out after a playdate, we just come home. These ladies eat out everyday and get angry because I won't.
I know that lots of stay at home moms are able to eat and go out a lot but, those things are something we sacraficed so that I can be home with our children. I just wish they wouldn't make me feel so bad for saying "no thanks" to an invite.
Am I reading this right, your friends are working as nanny's while you are meeting up with them? If so, then if I was their employer I would be pissed if I found out my nanny drove 45 minutes with my children so she could meet up with her friend for lunch. If they are working being a nanny their first priority is their employer's child. So them being close to that child's home is very important. You can't fault them for going out to lunch if their employers pay for them to do so. Maybe you could ask them if on a specific day you guys could pack a picnic and meet up somewhere that is convenient for everyone or they could buy lunch for themselves and bring it along to the picnic if they don't want to pack one for themselves. But if they are working then I'm sorry they really need to cater to the people they are working for not you.
Why don't you check out meetup.com for mom/playgroups in your area. Also the local public library should have storytime once a week for each age group(newborns, toddlers..etc) you could meet other sahms there. Or a Barnes and Noble storytime is free too. If you belong to a church sometimes they have playgroups too.
Have you tried any local moms groups on meetup.com? I've met a few nice women and their kids and most of the time the activities are free/low cost (meeting at parks to walk and then let the kids play, etc). Sometimes the stuff is a bit of a drive, but not too far. I haven't made "friends" per se, though I'm sure if I went more than 1-2x/mo I'd be closer to a few of them. I will say, though, that of the couple of times I've gone, a few of the women remembered me and we caught up and all that stuff.
Anyway, its an idea!
Have you looked on Meetup.com for any SAHM groups in your area?
Exactly they are WORKING so for them to be conveniently located to their employer's home for naps, outings is more important because they are being paid to take care of that child.
Yes, they are "WORKING" but these nannies as well as myself and every other nanny I have been around have the option to "do what they want". For example on Wednesday they are ALL driving an hour and 15 minutes to a museum 3 towns away.
We live in an area where therere 3 rather large towns spaced apart in the shape of a triangle... I live on one corner and they work in the middle of the triangle. They usually choose to meet on the other side of the triangle from me and then get upset because I don't come.
I just asked that they meet me 1/2 way occasionally. Or simply stay in the town that they work in instead of going 15-30 minutes in the opposite direction of my house just to have lunch!
this is just how I feel... that they go and do everything else that they want to do, but when it comes to driving 15 minutes in my direction, instead of 15 minutes in the other direction... which makes it farther for me to drive, I feel that they think I am asking to much! I don't ask them to meet me often. I usually conform to the group... today was the acception because LO was tired! I guess I just felt that if they were good friends they could have adjusted their plans to help me out this one time!
That's all!
Yes, they are "WORKING" but these nannies as well as myself and every other nanny I have been around have the option to "do what they want". For example on Wednesday they are ALL driving an hour and 15 minutes to a museum 3 towns away.
We live in an area where therere 3 rather large towns spaced apart in the shape of a triangle... I live on one corner and they work in the middle of the triangle. They usually choose to meet on the other side of the triangle from me and then get upset because I don't come.
I just asked that they meet me 1/2 way occasionally. Or simply stay in the town that they work in instead of going 15-30 minutes in the opposite direction of my house just to have lunch!
this is just how I feel... that they go and do everything else that they want to do, but when it comes to driving 15 minutes in my direction, instead of 15 minutes in the other direction... which makes it farther for me to drive, I feel that they think I am asking to much! I don't ask them to meet me often. I usually conform to the group... today was the acception because LO was tired! I guess I just felt that if they were good friends they could have adjusted their plans to help me out this one time!
That's all!
Yes, they are "WORKING" but these nannies as well as myself and every other nanny I have been around have the option to "do what they want". For example on Wednesday they are ALL driving an hour and 15 minutes to a museum 3 towns away.
We live in an area where therere 3 rather large towns spaced apart in the shape of a triangle... I live on one corner and they work in the middle of the triangle. They usually choose to meet on the other side of the triangle from me and then get upset because I don't come.
I just asked that they meet me 1/2 way occasionally. Or simply stay in the town that they work in instead of going 15-30 minutes in the opposite direction of my house just to have lunch!
this is just how I feel... that they go and do everything else that they want to do, but when it comes to driving 15 minutes in my direction, instead of 15 minutes in the other direction... which makes it farther for me to drive, I feel that they think I am asking to much! I don't ask them to meet me often. I usually conform to the group... today was the acception because LO was tired! I guess I just felt that if they were good friends they could have adjusted their plans to help me out this one time!
That's all!
Thanks ladies for all your suggestions! Yes, being the flexible one does get old from time to time! I guess I have always been so flexible that they just expect it now.
We do get together outside of their work hours! I am just being b!tchy today, I guess! However, I am going to try and meet some new people that are closer to my area and have a similar life style! Then maybe I can get together with people closer to my area that are more interested in at home/park playdates and picnic lunches than chuckie cheese, Jumpy house playspaces, and other places that add up to be expensive when you go everyday!
I didn't realize this would be so hard to explain via typing! hahaha Lesson Learned
We actually go to Southpoint about once a week! :-) It's awesome since it's been 105 degrees during the day and the best part is... it's FREE!!!
That is tough, but I agree with other posters about the fact that they are at work so they shouldn't be going out of their way to accommodate you. However, your description of the triangle area and where you each fall in that triangle makes it seem like they just aren't that into meeting up with you, period. If they are leaving the center to go in the opposite direction of you every single time, that sounds frustrating.
As for free/cheap vs. costly, there are plenty of each type of activity if you just look hard enough. If you don't have the means to spend money on play dates, then suggest a park/picnic play date with them. If they turn you down several times in a row, then find friends that are in your situation. We are lucky enough to be able to enjoy fun outings that cost money, but we also do free things like the park and a picnic because we enjoy lots of different types of outings. My kids don't know if something costs money, so why would I not expose them to all of the fun free activities as well?
I don't think the OP was saying that she doesn't have the money to spend on playdates, she just prefers to do things that cost less and skip the added expense of eating out all the time! I don't see anything wrong with that. Also, if I had a nanny that was permitted to take the kids out of the house at all, I wouldn't care which direction they traveled. Personally I would probably prefer for them to stay at home or walk to the park down the street because saying "go wherever you want with my kids" would just be an added worry for me. But since these nannies have no restrictions and OP has gone out of her way to accomodate them on occasion, I think it is only fair that they reciprocate, whether they are paying for it or not. AND, she was not suggesting that they just "meet her for lunch," lunch was just a side effect of getting together for a playdate.
My point is, I understand your frustration and need to vent.
I'm sorry your friends are unwilling to bend once in a while.
Thank you soooo much for putting my thoughts together! This is exactly what I was trying to say!
I was also saying that I am starting to look for another group of people to hang out with that have similar interests/economic status as my family. That way I won't feel like this anymore! I was also asking if anyone could point me in the right direction of somewhere to look for other mommy friends!
Thanks again!
No problem!
These were my two exact thoughts when I read this post.
I run a local moms group on Meetup.com and I have met and became friends with some really nice women. It's at least worth checking out. GL!
It doesn't sound like they want to hang out with you.
If someone wants to hang out with you, they will. You won't have to convince them to drive to see you, they will want to.
I have a lot of friends that SAH and some work part time, they are full of money or completely broke, and I spend equal time with all of them. I have a few friends that can only do completely free things, and we have just as much fun hanging out as I do with the other friends that want to go to lunch, shopping, etc.