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August 2011 Moms
chottomotto
member
Frustrated by flaky MIL (long)
chottomotto
member
I'll be straight up: My husband and I are total newbie parents. We've never changed a diaper or fed a baby. And honestly, small babies make us nervous. Ever since we told our families about the pregnancy, it was decided that my MIL would come stay with us for the first two weeks after delivery to help out. She offered first, only lives 2 hours away, and I really wanted the breastfeeding support.
But ever since my SIL (her other DIL) announced her pregnancy, my MIL has been really flaky about coming at all. She is a teacher's aide and school starts on August 22, the day after I'm due. She said she would take time off, but now, after 6 months of saying she'd do it, she doesn't think that's a good idea. She told me if the baby comes early she'll do it, but otherwise she'll just visit on a weekend. She also told me I should just get a scheduled C-section since that's the easiest for everyone.
I just don't even understand this. I told my own mother "you can't stay until after my MIL goes home because I don't have enough beds for everyone". That offended my alcoholic drama queen mother so she went to her timeshare in another state and won't be back for the birth. My MIL knows this.
But it seems like she realized she would have lots of grandchildren and is no longer excited about this one. She constantly used to talk about how she would buy tons of cute outfits for "her granddaughter" but then never gets her any, which would be fine except my husband wouldn't let me buy anything since she kept bringing it up. (She works PT at Macy's and gets an amazing discount). She also said she would help us paint the nursery. Now she says she doesn't even remember offering and looked at me like I was crazy. (You have a degree in Interior Design -- hello!) 
So now we have no help with our newborn, no breastfeeding support, no baby clothes, and our nursery is just sitting, empty, because my husband wouldn't let me paint it. While I do not expect other people to do anything for me, if they can't deliver than they should not offer! Seriously!!
But that isn't even what I'm mad about. I'm pissed because of how disappointed my husband was when he finally realized she'd bailed on us. He said "Wow, we are totally on our own." Then we finally went out and bought baby clothes, but rather than feeling good about it, it was just kind of empty, even though I tried to make it exciting for him. It hurt his feelings a lot more than mine and there isn't anything I can do about it!
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Re: Frustrated by flaky MIL (long)
I am so sorry for both you and your hubby...i can totally understand how angry you'd be that your DH is hurting - i got the same way when my DH's family didn't do a thing to help him through his dad's funeral. That's a type of hurt that usually goes deep.
As for taking care of your LO, you guys will be fine! I'm very much the same type of FTM mom that you are - never changed a diaper, have not really held babies, etc, etc... There's a lot of support out there if you look for it. La Leche League is wonderful support for breastfeeding - i've been going to some of their meetings in the past of couple of weeks and found them to be amazing women (they usually meet weekly). Your hospital should also have a meeting group for the moms that have given birth in their hospital. I'd look into those two resources and start introducing yourself now - they may be the kind of support that helps you through this.
Good luck!
I know that the "help" would be nice but why bother with it? Seems like it is just going to cause you more stress in the end. The back and forth would drive me crazy!
Again, I am sure help would be nice but just because you are a first time mom does not mean you will not do a good job. All the classes is the world cannot prepare you for what it will actually be like to parent YOUR child.
Just look at it as an extra opportunity to bond with your child without others interfering. Unfortunately, "help" is often given with along of criticism and others feel that when they offer help they can also make decisions for you regarding your child.
DH and I have a crazy family situation and will not be having any help post birth. I know it will be challenging at times but I also know we are perfectly capable of doing it.
GL!
That sucks
. I'm sorry this is happening. I think it's time to take matters into your own hands. Here's what I would do:
1. Paint the nursery. Or ask someone (a good friend who is a good decorator, maybe?) to help you do it, since it will be a lot to do by yourself when you're this far along.
2. Go buy some baby clothes. If money is an issue, hit a consignment store, garage sale or craigslist.
3. Read up on breastfeeding. Take a breastfeeding class. Visit with a lactation consultant beforehand if those things don't feel sufficient.
4. Try to mentally prepare yourself to take care of your newborn without MIL. Do you have other family or friends close by? I think a lot of people would be happy to come hold your baby while you take a nap or get some chores done
!
I don't know how you could make your husband feel better, other than just not dwelling on his mother, and getting prepared instead.
This is what I was going to suggest. There are tons of No VOC paints (Olympic got a great rating on consumer reports) and as long as youre in a well ventilated room, you'll be fine. I taped off the trim, papered my floor, and painted most of our guest room by myself (my husband doesn't know the first thing about painting!). I'm fine, baby is fine...no harm done. You can do it, but it may take you a few days because if you're like me, you'll get tired and sore pretty easily. Just take your time with it.
I also know how difficult it could be to want to depend on someone only to have them flake. It sucks even more that this is your MIL who's doing the flaking! I've learned that if I want anything, I just have to depend on myself because, as negative as this sounds, most people are often just concerned with themselves and don't really care about the impact their decisions have on others. It's really sad that this kind of mentality exists and I don't get it since I wasn't raised that way and can't for the life of me figure out why some people are like that.
You will survive though. Your maternal instincts will kick in and you'll get tons of help in the hospital that you could take home with you (so says, the FTM...I'm just passing on information I've been told from friends who have recently given birth). Don't stress about it -- everything always works itself out in the end! Good luck!!
I know what it's like to have a flaky MIL, and keep telling FI to not rely on her. Since we're not in an optimal financial situation, what with him being between school and his career at the moment, he thinks we need to. Except, it makes no difference because she's a selfish twit and always flakes. She only ever helps when she really wants to, otherwise it's a bunch of excuses. It's one of the many reasons I hate her. I ended up having to hurt FI's feelings myself by telling him, last time we needed help, that I didn't want it from his mom and he'd better find another way. We're better off without her, and you guys are probably best off not trying to rely on your MIL too.
Good luck with everything, and feel better!!
Edit: I meant to add that you should look into La Leche League for breastfeeding support, they're fantastic. There may even be a support group near you. Also, I don't know if you're delivering at a hospital, but if you are you can probably avail yourself of the lactation consultants as much as possible while you're there, and then you can usually call them even after you're discharged and still get advice. Also, I don't know if you've ever seen her channel on YouTube, but CandidMommy has a whole bunch of videos about her BFing experience, and a lot of advice as well. These things may help you!
And, don't be too nervous that you've never cared for a newborn before. With my first, I was 19 and a single mom, and I was well into the swing of things before I even knew it. You and your DH will do great!!
// I love you too. //
I am so sorry you have to deal with such lame mom situations. My husband and I are TOTAL newbies, too - I never babysat or changed a diaper. Just remember that you guys can learn all of this together - you and your hubby are a team and a family and this baby knows nothing but the two of you. You can so do this. My mom can be really flakey, too, and my MIL is completely dependent on my DH and can;t do anything for herself so I feel you.
For breastfeeding support, does your hospital have a lactation counselour who can help you out? It might actually be better to have an impartial person, rather than your mom in law.
Good luck with everything - it is all going to be ok. I figure, there may be some funny moments but we'll all learn how to do this baby thing.