Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

s/o How Happy is your Marriage? Let's be honest...

Acia's posts and my random lurking on TIP got me wondering just how happy and content are people's marriages?  Huh?

I am going to guess that everyone, at least in Bumpland, has very successful and positive, peaceful, happy marriages. Party!!! Not to sound cynical, but I always get the impression that they are cookie cutter rainbow and semi perfect.  That's not a bad thing, I just wish my own marriage was currently like that.Tongue Tied

Right now, I can honestly say mine needs improvement (ask my husband and he'll tell you it's "just peachy" and everything is fine). Hmm

He works 3 jobs and when he's not working, he's sleepingSleep and quite moodyAngry so I'm basically a single mom. 

It's been quite stressful but I know it's something that has to be done to help our finances at this time (I go back to work next month part time).  He also has issues with control, anger/temper and communication.   I have issues with trust, resentment and expectations.

He had a lot of baggage when he married me and I barely had any so that may be a contributor for sure.

(wipes my brow with a cool cloth)Embarrassed looks around the room for anyone who can admit that it's not all sparkly and sunshine...anyone? Confusedno? oky dokey...

Anyway, we've been working on it (me more than him because he's a guy and also has no time) but it's HARD, dangit. REAL HARD.

So my question is this:  Not how wonderful are your marriages (because I'm sure everyone will answer that they are pretty awesome) but what are certain "issues" if any that  keep appearing in your marriage that need work? Or what are some things you feel need improvement?

I'd love to get some HONEST feedback on what other couples' kind of go through.

(p.s.  I may DD this in an hour if nothing is posted...)

God Bless our sweet baby James. Our son, born 11/22/09. Unplanned, Emergency C-section image
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Re: s/o How Happy is your Marriage? Let's be honest...

  • Right now we're doing awesome. More in love than ever.

    BUT... I think this is just part of the ebb and flow of our relationship.

    Things were bad this past winter. I left with LO and stayed with my parents for a week. It was definitely not all DH's fault, but even he admits now it was mostly his fault. I finally lost it and flipped out and left. It was stupid, immature and (IMO) vital for saving our relationship. It opened up communication in our relationship like we've never had before, which is why we're doing so well now.

    ((HUGS)) You are not alone!

    Lauren has Down syndrome and a complete AV canal heart defect
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  • I think everyone has issues they would like or need to work on.  You are definitely being honest and I don't think people often are.

     Let's see... as far as I go I definitely have control issues not so much controlling him but being in control of situations especially regarding our son.  I also probably nag him too much, I call it asking him for help he calls it nagging. 

    Him.... he definitely yells too much, he also only does he regular "duties" in the house not over.  He also does not do as much caretaking for DS as I think he should.  Whenever he has to "babysit" he goes to his parents so he doesn't have to lift a finger. 

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  • I agree marriage has both good and bad times. You cannot expect it to be like the movies where u just have all great times. Personally I think it's the rough times that make you stronger as a couple. Dh and I have had our issues. Our current one is that he wants to come home to a spotless house and I just think it is totally unrealistic. With kids they are going to make a mess no matter what. When they go to sleep that's when you can actually clean up. It doesn't help that he is a pig and never washes his dishes, leaves his dirty clothes all over the place, and paperwork everywhere. I am a sahm but lord almighty that does not mean I am you maid and I have to pick up after you all the time you are a grown man and I know your mother taught you how to clean!
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  • Marriage is hard. It's work every day. For me I think I feel unappreciated. I have a house full of kids, chores that are neverending (like the rest of us), not enough hours in the day and work is super hectic. DH and I have schedules that just don't mix right now. I don't feel desired. I damn sure don't feel sexy. We have been on a diet and I've been at the gym every day, sometimes twice a day. I've had 2 babies in 2 years and I've lost about 46-48 lbs. I think I've done remarkably well. But he never says it. Nothing. I don't hear "You're beautiful." or "You look great today." I'm not saying DH isn't attracted to me but I would still like to hear that he thinks I look great and he desires me even after having babies.

    These are me a week before having Isla in February and one taken this week.
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    I think our communication could use improvement. Without us talking or saying what's wrong or bugging us, nothing will get fixed.

     

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  • That was like reading a story in a highlights magazine.  

    I've been married 16 years so if I said my marriage was always happy, feel free to call me on my bullshiit.   

    Marriage is not easy and we have to work on it always.  It has highs and lows but there is always something that needs fixing.  

    The only thing I know for sure is that we both want to grow old together.   And yes, we are happy.  

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  • DH goes to school full time and works so that I can be a SAHM. I feel like a single mom most of the time and when DH is home, half the time he is in a totally pissy mood wanting us to leave him alone so he can study. I know it will all be worth it in the end, but right now it's kinda sucky.
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  • I think ever marriage has issues weither people like to admit it or not. I'm happily married but there are def. things we can work on. Dh works alot and right now all his free time is spent on fixing up a house that we just purchased. some days i feel like it's just me alllllll the time and then when i kinda flip out and let him know i need a break because i'm exhausted and pregnant on top of it, i think it helps. It's like a wake up call to him that even though we as moms try to do eveything or think we can we can't or as i tell him i don't want to do everything on my own because that's why i chose to be with you!

    Have you ever read the book 5 love languages? every person has at least 1 and some have 2 or more. But there are 5 of them and mine is quality time so when DH works alot i don't get quality time i get upset. Dh's love language is acts of kindness so he likes when i make him lunch, or keep the house clean, or do an errand for him.

    you should find out what your love language is, oh and Dh's

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  • aglennaglenn member
    Long-Lasting Membership 2500 Comments 250 Love Its Photogenic

    I think anybody who says that things are all puppies and rainbows is either lying or hasn't been married long enough.

    Sure, we have our issues, and DH drives me insane sometimes.  Vice versa as well, I am sure.  At the end of the day, though, none of it is that big of a deal.  Heck, we get along better than I did with most of my female roommates when I was younger.  :) 

    To me, there's a difference between the usual marriage struggles (like communication, and listening, and money, and not taking each other for granted) and situations where lines are crossed and trust is broken.  That's just a deal-breaker for me.

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  • We are not perfect by any means. I brought a lot of debt, family issues, and personal issues to our marriage. He took over our finances a few months ago and it has helped and hindered us at the same time. He finally realizes where the money goes, but at the same time he questions every little expense I make. We have some repeating issues that we are working on, but in the grand scheme of things they are minor and will resolve themselves over time.

    One thing that has really helped us recently is that we instituted a date night at home the last 3 weeks. After E goes to bed, we alternate each friday who picks a movie and we watch it. It really helps us look forward to the weekend, and we spend time together. We also give each other space and time alone. He goes to poker, I go out with friends or just to a Lions meeting.

    So, we definitely are far from perfect, but we are working on it. What matters more is that we are perfect for each other and I cannot imagine being with anyone else but him.

  • delg23delg23 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments Photogenic
    Mine is generally good but our issues are that we live somewhere I don't want to live for his job. And my son doesn't sleep. This morning my husband says "did he wake up a bunch of times last night" I snapped, "He wakes up a bunch of times every night, what a stupid questions!" ha. I was just really tired.
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  • I can say our marriage is happy, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. I don't think there is such a thing. There will always be something to work on, and the smart couples realize that and are willing to hash it out. Our biggest things come down to communication -- I often feel like DH isn't paying attention. I also get mad because I feel he isn't appreciating things that I'm doing around the house/.with DS on my days at home. In turn, he gets mad that I think he doesn't get it. I think part of it stems from me putting too much pressure on myself to have everything accomplished. I'll work hard to make sure dinner's made, the house is clean, DS is taken care of, then DH will come in, and leave his socks on the floor, and I'll lose it. And his response is to tell me to chill out. Which would be fine if I wasn't working hard leading up to that. But I'm realizing there are some things that bother him that don't bother me and vice versa, and that some of the little stuff, I just have to let go so we're not always fighting about stupid stuff.

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  • No my marriage is no where puppy and kittens with a touch of rainbows. Not even close. I agree with pp those that say they have no problems are lying or not married long enough. I would just say most people don't like share all on line.

    One of things that urks me the most is lack of helping around the house. We have gotten into some major fights about this but yet its the same old thing. We both work full time I just happen to work 4, 10 hour shifts so he thinks I can get the house cleaned on Fridays when I am off. Yea right along with the 10 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of DD, etc. He tells me I dont understand how tired he is and he deserves an entire day off with nothing to do the entire day. Yea sorry life doesnt work that way.

     

    BFP #1 4/6/09; EDD 12/6/09; miscarriage 4/10/09..............BFP #2 5/3/09; DD born 1/9/10........BFP #3 12/15/12, EDD 8/31/13; baby stopped growing at 5w3d; natural miscarriage..........BFP #4 2/8/13, EDD 10/20/13; missed miscarriage discovered 9w2d; d/c.......BFP #5 10/22/13, EDD 7/8/13; miscarriage 10/28/13..... BFP #6 11/19/13; DS born 7/29/14 {\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252 {\fonttbl\f0\fswiss\fcharset0 Helvetica;} {\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red51\green51\blue51;\red255\green255\blue255;} \deftab720 \pard\pardeftab720\sl280\partightenfactor0 \f0\fs22 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0 \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker} {\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252 {\fonttbl\f0\fswiss\fcharset0 Helvetica;} {\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red51\green51\blue51;\red255\green255\blue255;} \deftab720 \pard\pardeftab720\sl280\partightenfactor0 \f0\fs22 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0 \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker}
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  • Ours definitely is not a bed of roses. 

    Issues:

    Money.

    His mother butting in.

    His Temper and my backbone.

    Him wanting a second child, but not helping enough with the first one.  When I just got home from the hospital, my mother was staying with us for a few weeks to help us, but he wasn't doing too much to help me out or support me emotionally after a very difficult delivery, so she told him in not so nice a manner to grow up and get his head out of his @$$.  He got mad because he called him out in our home and I didn't back him up....I was on my mom's side.  He still brings this up almost 2 years later when we argue.  I have since told my mother not to use certain words when speaking to him and she has't said anything since.  I have also told him if he has a problem with my mom to take it up with her, just like I take up the issues I have with his mother up with her.

    Honestly, sometimes I wonder why we got married and I'm not sure I'd do it again, but other days I can't imagine life without him.  There are more good days than bad though, if that ever changes, I'll have to take a hard look at the situation.

    BFP#1 03/01/09 Carter arrived at 9lbs even on 11/11/09

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  • We almost got divorced last year and I'd be lying if I said I never questioned the decision to stay together.  MH is a good dad and very hands-on, when he's home (he works a lot of nights/weekends).  However, he has the worst communication skills of anyone I've ever met.  He some anger management issues as well.  I'm a control freak and a yeller.  Most of the time, I think we're just not a good match.  Plus there's the maturity thing:  http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/55977185.aspx

    So, to sort of answer your question - I think he's happier than I am typically.  Some days I think we have a chance, and other days I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable by attempting to stay together.  I really think if we didn't have kids, we would not be together.

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    S 9/12/08, P 5/29/10

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    Dog: Ace (8/04)
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  • Half the time we are more roommates than husband and wife. Sad, but true. 

    We work opposite shifts, so that doesn't help. When we are together, by the time LO is asleep and the house is semi-clean, I'm exhausted. I'm also on pelvic rest by my doctors orders, so that doesnt help either. 

    Before LO, we argued most about money. To the point where we have separate checking accounts. It helped, but its still an issue.  

    Now we argue about dividing up the workload. And he does the small lie thing too, so I have trust issues.

    That said, we have our good moments..especially  after a random date, or a family vacation, when we are refreshed...its not all bad. But we probably need counseling. 

    DS 8/29/09 (3yo) DD 11/29/11 (8mo)
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  • DH and I were not doing wonderul but not horrible right before we had DS.  We had poor communication and I just think we had trouble reading each other.  Since having DS, I don't know what happened but we just click so much better now.  DH makes more time for our family and really makes sure that I have "me" time- he just became way more caring and loving.  Our relationship has really improved and we have gotten so much stronger from it.   I'm really happy and content right now.  I think having children was really therapuic for us. 
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  • We had a rough time after DD was born.  Things are improving (finally) but it's been a really rough year and a lot of work.  In the end, counseling helped a lot.  We have communication problems we need to work on, me not listening and him always being critical, but like I said things are getting better.  I would say the first year of DD's life has easily been the hardest for our relationship; we've been together over 7 years and been through a lot, but having a child just magnified all the little problems we had never completely resolved.  I wish someone would have told me to work all those little things out BEFORE we had a baby.  Transitioning to a family of 3 probably would have been a lot smoother.
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  • Having kids has taken a HUGE toll on our marriage. Things were good prior to that. Now we are more like roommates. We work opposite shifts and on the nights that I am off DH still can't seem to make time to spend with me after the kids are in bed. As soon as we put them to bed, he disappears into the bathroom for a couple hours until he goes to bed. He sits on the GD toilet reading, playing his iPod for an hour or so and then takes a shower and goes to bed. I continually point out to him that the very least he do is sit on the couch with me and do that instead of on the toilet. It's weird and I don't get it. I am sure he is jerkin off while he is in there, but seriously 2 hours?! He then has the nerve to try for sex after I come to bed. I used to try to maintain weekly sex to keep him happy and now I have taken the stance of if he doesn't want to spend time with me, why should I have sex with him? On the weekends, not only does he spend 2 hours in the BR at night, he does in the morning as well....WTF?! It's like an obsession or something. So no....things are not good. To be honest if it weren't for the kids, I would leave him. But because of the kids I feel like we need to work on things, but we aren't at this point. We need counseling. We need date nights. But if he can't pull his a$$ out of the bathroom I will continue to harbor resentment.

     I will say that he is a good, hands on dad. But as the years go by he has retreated into himself. I think he is depressed, he doesn't. It's like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. He used to be so fun, now he is boring. He is turning into his dad who doesn't really talk either. It sucks. We have our good moments on date nights and vacations....but overall I am not happy. 

    Child #1: 6 yo DD Child #2: 2yo DD
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  • I am very blessed that for the most part my marriage is wonderful. I think we fight about things that everyone fights about - money and how to spend our time. I get most upset that if you asked DH what is the first thing he would do with time off, it would not be to spend it with me or his family. He is a project guy and always needs to be busy. I am the one that has to schedule our time together. He's always happy when we're doing stuff together, but I am the one who has to plan it. He can just be in his own head a lot of the time. But I also love him for who he is and know it's something I can't really change. He is a great person and a wonderful husband and father.
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  • The bathroom?  Really?  How can one sit on a toilet for 2 hours?  My arse would fall asleep!
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  • image goldenleaves:

    Right now we're doing awesome. More in love than ever.

    BUT... I think this is just part of the ebb and flow of our relationship.

    Things were bad this past winter. I left with LO and stayed with my parents for a week. It was definitely not all DH's fault, but even he admits now it was mostly his fault. I finally lost it and flipped out and left. It was stupid, immature and (IMO) vital for saving our relationship. It opened up communication in our relationship like we've never had before, which is why we're doing so well now.

    ((HUGS)) You are not alone!

    Things must be better - looks like you have a baby on the way!

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  • We have been married for almost 5 years, and we have definitely had our share of ups and downs. But at the end of the day, I love him and want to do what we need to in order to make things work.

    We have grown up together, well, grown and changed together. Both of us are very different people than we were when we first started dating. We definitely have communication issues, lack of communication. But like I said, we work hard to stay in a good place. At the end of the day when I look at it, he loves me and cares about me, and he is a wonderful father.

    Everyone has rough patches, they are lying if they say they don't. Its all about how you handle the rough patches, and that you both have a common goal that you are working on/toward to make yourselves happy!

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  • MrsHTMrsHT member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments Photogenic 5 Love Its

    Where do I start... I sometimes assume DH is a mind reader and when he doesn't do things I assume he should know, I get upset.  We have two clearly defined ideas of what is a priority and what isn't.  Were living right now with a huge hole in our kitchen because we got a dishwasher.  I said do not remove the cabinet until your ready to install the dishwasher.  Well 3 weeks later still big hole and no DW.

    I know I need to settle down and not have such high expectations for things, but its something I need to work on.  Also, we argue about money, seeing family.  He always tells me I should go out with my girlfriends, but I have become such a home body that its hard.  But then on the other side I resent him that he will play volleyball a few nights a week because I assume he should want to be home with us.

    DH is a great husband and dad, just some days I want to smack him. 

  • I think my DH and I have a pretty happy marriage.  It is not all fun and games, we have a lot less time for eachother now that we have children, but we have been together for 12 years, living together for 11 of them, so we know eachother really well and have been through a lot together. We have learned to let go of the petty stuff that we used to argue about when we were younger.

    Just a few years ago we were living in another state, had a booming chain of restaurants and were making a boat load of money. When the economy tanked we lost everything....our business, our dream home and every dime of savings we had worked for. We survived that, so at this point I can't think of anything that would make either of us call it quits, except maybe if the other one was carrying on an affair.

    We bicker all the time over minor things like me spending too much on kids clothes and him not helping me more around the house, but other than that, there really are no major issues. I think we are both realistic about what we want out of our lives and eachother.

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  • image SLO2005:
    The bathroom?  Really?  How can one sit on a toilet for 2 hours?  My arse would fall asleep!
    I know right? I don't get it. Besides who want sits in their own stink that long?
    Child #1: 6 yo DD Child #2: 2yo DD
  • Two words: Marriage Counseling. It saved our relationship for sure.

    We've been married 6 years and always got along fine (i.e. we never had "fights" - maybe just some bickering). Around year 3 things started spiraling downward and we came pretty close to divorce. We tried counseling and it turned everything around. What we realized was that just "getting along" does not = a good marriage and that we were severely lacking in communication dept.

    Even now we still go 1x/month just to check in and I'm glad we do. We still struggle with our things - I'm a control freak and DH spends too much time on his hobbies (both sources of conflict) - but now we have better tools to help us out of any rough spots.

    I don't think there's ever any down side to counseling. Unless you're living the storybook dream I feel like everyone should give it a shot :)

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  • I think everyone has issues.  With that being said, DH and I are doing really well considering everything that is going on.  He has been out of work for the past 2 months and things are really tight without his income (he made a good 20k more than me). We argue the most about finances -- always have even before he lost his job.  We have also argued about his lack of help around the house.

    We have our ups and downs just like any other relationship.  I find it hard to believe people when the say things are alwasy so GREAT.... LOL.  Every relationship has it's issues.

    Honestly - I would not use the word awesome to describe us.  But we're happy overall.

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  • BeerDrinks

    To all you gals with real marriages and real ways to make it work!

    Good feedback, everyone!

    Thanks for sharing.

    God Bless our sweet baby James. Our son, born 11/22/09. Unplanned, Emergency C-section image
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  • Overall we are pretty happy with one another.  We have just started to come up on what I think is going to be a rough patch soon about how we raise DS. 

    DH comes from a very disfunctional background and had absolutely no idea how to ineract with people for the most part when we got together.  While we were dating and in our early marraige, he worked on that religiously and now does fairly well. 

    The problem that we are starting to have is that DS is really starting to learn social skills and want to be outside to play and interact with lots of different surroundings and be athletic and DH has absolutely no interest in anything other than his GD Xbox.  DS used to be happy to play with his toys while DH played his Xbox (while I'm out of the house, I am event coordinator and have very random hours) so DH sees no reason for that to change at all.  I always knew that I'd have to the one to take him outside for the most part because DH would play that damm thing 24/7 if I'd let him.  I grew up rodeoing and always said that I'd take him to do that.

    Now that we have a male, live-in nanny, Jeff takes DS out to play all of the time and it seriously disturbs him that DH just has no interest.  Even when all of us are home, if DS asks to go outside to play, or anything else involving leaving the living room, DH turns the xbox on and tells Jeff and me to have fun with him.  I feel like it's starting to be me and Jeff raising him instead of me and DH.

    Don't get me wrong, DH loves that little boy and is a good father, he just doesn't want to take part in anything that he personally does not enjoy.  Which extends to xbox and computers.  I feel like this is going to get worse before it gets better and I don't really know how to tell him that I feel like he is being selfish for not wanting to play IN OTHER WAYS with DS.  DS doesn't enjoy DH's version of playing and Jeff and I don't either, so DH sees no problem with letting us just take him.

    Mc 6/2/08 at 6w2d * CP 11/22/08 * CP 1/21/09 - Dx compound heterozygous MTHFR 3/23/09 - BFP 3/24/09
  • steverstever member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    Ours is pretty darn happy. I'm sick(MS), DH works from home and the 3 of us are always crawling all over each other, but I gotta say that we're ridiculously lucky with how happy we all together.

    And yes, I know that's vomit inducing.

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  • For the most part things are great. We've been together for almost 12 years and were married 5.5 years ago. I was only 17 when we started dating and we kind of "grew up" together.

    One of our main issues over the years is his family, or his Mom, SF and brother. They are all abusive, alcoholics - MIL and SFIL are recreational drug users and BIL is a drug addict. We cut them completely out of our lives 4 years ago and things have been much, much better. Things got bad while I was pregnant with DS because SFIL contacted DH about having a relationship with DS and DH was considering it. Then BIL threatened to hurt me via facebook and myspace and it showed DH that they need to be far removed from our lives. About 10 months ago BIL even created a fake FB page telling people I was cheating on DH. I got really upset with DH for just letting it blow over instead of confronting the situation (DH is the only person I have ever slept with). But looking back I think that was the best choice.....BIL is now stiring things up again, but we are just going to ignore him.

    I have PCOS and can't get pregnant on my own (DH has super sperm - and while that makes things easier during IF treatment, I get a little annoyed that he's so freakin' fertile sometimes) - I am always really raw while going through treatments. We actually just had IUI #2 for baby #2 this morning....his sperm count was 132 million.

    Since DS has been born DH works 60 hours or more per week. We don't get to spend much time together and we struggled with feeling more like room mates for a while. We decided to make out every morning before he left for work and every night before we went to bed. It really helped and made us actually want to have sex, even though we were so exhausted we could barely keep our eyes open. It felt really silly at first, but it's really helped us feel closer. I also don't feel super attractive since DS was born and DH doesn't do as much to make me feel attractive. I am very open about the way I feel and what I need. It gets really annoying when I tell DH exactly how I feel/what I need/want and he still doesn't do them, lol! I know a lot of it is exhaustion but it would be nice for him to plan something special for us....I feel like I'm the only one that puts forth a real effort in the "romance" department lately. But we've only been on 4 dates since DS was born. This morning was actually the first time we've been alone in our house without DS here. Eh.....we just really need to focus on us more than we do.
  • image stever:

    Ours is pretty darn happy. I'm sick(MS), DH works from home and the 3 of us are always crawling all over each other, but I gotta say that we're ridiculously lucky with how happy we all together.

    And yes, I know that's vomit inducing.

    Ick!

    but Yes for you!  glad to know some folks have it so good too.  nothing wrong with that.

    God Bless our sweet baby James. Our son, born 11/22/09. Unplanned, Emergency C-section image
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  • We're mostly ok.  Money is a recurring issue.  We kind of don't have anything to talk about/things in common much anymore.  We both do our own thing most of the time.  I will always be annoyed with him about how little he helps out with cleaning (mostly, he doesn't pick up after himself).  I've made my peace with that issue, lol - although once in awhile when I'm having a bad day it really makes the day even worse.  We don't have a perfect marriage, but we love eachother and surely aren't headed towards a divorce or anything.
    Adrian 7.6.07 - ADHD, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, Learning Disability-NOS
    Cam 6.6.10 - Autism, Global Developmental Delay, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Communication Disorder
  • My marriage is not puppies and rainbows, but I think it's really great.  DH and I rarely argue, and when we do it always ends in a decent compromise.  I'm not going to lie...I'm much more laid back than DH so I let a lot of things go to help keep the peace.  I always speak up if it's something important though.

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    Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless

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  • image P.S.10:
    We had a rough time after DD was born.  Things are improving (finally) but it's been a really rough year and a lot of work.  In the end, counseling helped a lot.  We have communication problems we need to work on, me not listening and him always being critical, but like I said things are getting better.  I would say the first year of DD's life has easily been the hardest for our relationship; we've been together over 7 years and been through a lot, but having a child just magnified all the little problems we had never completely resolved.  I wish someone would have told me to work all those little things out BEFORE we had a baby.  Transitioning to a family of 3 probably would have been a lot smoother.

     I could have written this myself. We FINALLY seem to be back to normal, but in December I was ready to leave. We've both had to look at ourselves and our faults (he's very critical and has a temper; I'm a procrastinator, excessive worrier, and have a temper) and we have had to decide to make concerted efforts to be better people so we can be a better couple. I am very much in love and so it he, so we have that on our side. But there are days when I want to kill him, and vice versa. Having our daughter has really strained our marriage because we BOTH have very definite ideas about raising her, and we both can't win. Sigh. Like today, he told me to put her to nap in just her diaper and I wanted her to be wearing a onsie so we are arguing about this while she's crying and needs to be put down. Marriage is hard mama, hang in there, you are SO not alone.

  • Our biggest stress has been DH's job, even before DD was born. I knew what we were getting into and the decision to TTC our first child was left entirely up to me, knowing that I would basically be raising our child alone a lot of the time. We had been married almost 6 years before DD was born.

    There is so much DH offered up to me when DD was born- the ability to scale back my own hours at work, full license to hire the best possible nanny to help me with DD both while I worked and so I could have a break here and there, a generous budget for mommy & me classes so I could get out there and meet other moms and not feel so alone, but ultimately, after 3 years of it, I just want him to step in and do more. Many of our arguments over the last year have revolved around this.

    We've done A LOT of soul-searching and are both now working toward a huge life change that will allow DH to spend more time with us. It involves moving out of the country in a few months. DH's schedule is still terrible now (he came home at 4:30 am last night, for example), but just knowing he was willing to make such a radical change for me and for us and knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel has made things 10,000 % better between us. Now, if I am annoyed that he missed dinner when he said he'd try to come home early, that's all I am- annoyed, or perhaps disappointed is a better word. In the past, something like this would inevitably leave me seething about how many other times he'd missed dinner and how many more times he would miss dinner and then I'd remember other little hurts/shortcomings throughout the week so that by the time DH got home 5 hours later, I'd be a raving b*tch. Now he gets home and I'm like "hey, there are leftovers in the fridge if you want some" and we hang out and talk and enjoy whatever time we can spend together.

    It has been an amazing change, but I really needed DH to do something BIG to assure me that his crappy work scheduled wasn't going to get in the way of our relationship forever.

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  • This thread.....on a day that we have argued most of the day. URG! I will start by saying that we both have a lot of emotional things going on in our lives so that is not helping. I am so madly in love with DH but there are times that I could seriously strangle him and I know he feels the same about me. DH is HORIBLE with money and has his priorities all half a$$ backwards. We have been talking about buying a house for a few years now. He knows this is my #1 goal right now....a house for our kids to grow up in. We each have a car. I bought my car as a 21st birthday present to myself, it is fully paid off and in great condition considering my lead foot (mustang) but I cannot fit both my kids in it. I do need a new car. DH has a 4 door sedan (Sonata) that is our family car. He has paid about half of the loan off and it is in great condition. DH has it in his head that he IS GOING to buy a Camaro next year with all the bells and whistles. This just pisses me off!!!!!! That is a want not a need. It is something that has no benefit to our family and is a much larger ($) purchase than we should be buying before we take care of our priorities first.....OUR HOUSE! WTF is wrong with him. This gets brought up on a weekly basis and I am seriously tired of fighting this battle. If he wants to buy that stupid car then fine! I know that if I absolutely put my foot down then I will definitely never hear the end of it?forever. I have made it very clear that I think it is a stupid & useless thing to do right now but at the end of the day he is going to do what he wants to do.

    That was this morning?s fight. I won't even go into the one we had on my lunch break when he brought the girls up to see me. I would say that overall our marriage is good but there are some definite communication errors and things that we just don't see eye to eye on. I know that he feels that I nag him too much and there are times that I do. I see it as asking for help but he views it as nagging. I need to find other ways of showing him that I need help. He is a wonderful father and does so much more for our family than any man I have ever met and I am super proud that I didn't settle for less but there are other areas that we both need to work on. His control issues drive me crazy too but I just have to be strong with him on that.

     

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  • our marriage sucks at the moment.

    We're both working full time. Our LO has been sick off and on for weeks, she was in hospital for a week with pneumonia. I have morning sickness. DH is studying to do his masters. We have a rental property to manage.

    Life is very full on and it feels like we both just manage to drag ourselves through our respective days. We have little left to give each other.

    I have to remind myself that it's just a short term phase, and to be kind to DH when I have the opportunity.

    We are getting through it, but really we both just want to sit in a corner and whine about how what we're doing is harder. We often bicker about who is doing more/the most/has it hardest.

     

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    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
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  • My marriage is definitely not puppy's and rainbows.  We've been together for 15 years and married for 8.  I can honestly say I love him, but I'm not in love anymore.   He pretty much knows this as well.  We have 3 kids and can't seem to have an adult conversation when the kids are around, even though we constantly tell them to wait their turn.  When the kids are in bed, I just want to be by myself, relax and veg.  He is great with the kids when he interacts with them which is less than I think he should.  I have to tell him to read to them or help brush their teeth.  He's on his computer a.lot.(games)  Even though we both work full time, I've always been the one to get up in the middle of the night too.  Thankfully my kids have always been pretty good sleepers.  He does let me sleep in on the weekends because he's an early riser, so that's a good thing.  Ever since we had kids, he lost his job and since then has made less than half of what he made, so I've been the bread winner.  When he tries to get on my case about spending, sometimes I'll tell him to get off my back because I make more and I am probably one of the least high maintenance women out there=spend less money.  He does tell me I'm attractive and is very caring.  We just have communication issues and both have tempers.  Sometimes I feel like he acts like my father and is too strict with me and my kids, and I can't handle that.  We are doing better lately/he's trying to help more, but I think it's just cause he wants to move and he knows I don't want to increase our debt when we're not getting along.  He also has a hernia right now, so it's all on my shoulders especially once he's recovering from surgery.  I'm also not a patient nurse when he's ill.  I want to try counseling but I'm not one to do stupid exercises, and I don't want to spend the money.  Good luck and I hope it gets better for you and everyone out there; and me too.  I'm sort of the man in the relationship, so I've never been as touchy feely as he wants.   Smile
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