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Parenting after a Loss
daphne814
member
DH vent...just need someone to see my side.
daphne814
member
And I apologize in advance for the impending novel. I'm sure this is going to get long 
Yesterday, DH and I went to happy hour with some friends. I was sitting next to my BFF, and toward the end, she and I were distracted (Truth: I was showing her my pinterest page on my phone, trying to get her to join. I know, obsessed.). While we have our heads together, I vaguely hear bits and pieces of the rest of the convo at the table, and someone has asked DH about our trip to MI. So, I start to tune out again and focus on pinterest until I hear MH say, "Yeah, Jen (that's me) doesn't know about this part, but..." So of course my ears perk up and I quietly tell my BBF (still making it look like we're talking about pinterest), "Hold on, I need to hear this."
He procedes to tell our group of friends about the drunken escapade he had while I was sitting in the hotel room with DD while she slept. The backstory is, while we were in MI, we did a LOT of driving around visiting family and friends. Toward the end of the trip, we visited his good college buddy and his fam. We stayed in a hotel nearby, one that they recommended because it had a cool sports bar on site that they liked to hang out at. (Yeah, small town, whatevs). So, I thought it was perfect because DH could go out with his friend and his wife to that bar, but still be nearby in case something happened, and I offered to stay in with Dani so he could hang out with his buddy. All of this went down without a hitch (well, minus the part where DH woke up with a MASSIVE hangover because he is the only 44 year old I know who will still do jager shots because his friend dared him. Jeesus H.) until yesterday when he spilled the beans to everyone, including me even though he didn't realize I was listening.
So, back to happy hour yesterday, as I'm listening, he starts telling all of our friends how he TOLD me he was going to stay in that bar with just his buddy and his wife, but what he ACTUALLY did was join in on a 4 car caravan of random people and bar hop all over town. He was going on about how he was taking shots and pounding beers at each bar like a right old frat boy, and all along Jen was back at the hotel sleeping with Dani.
Luckily, these are MUTUAL friends (and let's be honest, I think they like me better 
), so they listened to his story, and when he finished it was crickets. All their jaws where open. Then one girl said, "So, does Jen know now?" And I stopped what I was doing, looked MH square in the eyes and said, "Yup, she sure does!" And gave him a thumbs up. I know, that part was lame. I really wanted to flip him off, but that would've been a little too klassy.
Luckily, it was close to leaving time, so I finished up talking to my friend, didn't say a word to DH other than, "We need to get Dani", and we left. When we got in the car, I didn't say a word. He started with, "So, are you mad?" Ummmm...yeah. I started to explain to him how STUPID it was to leave me in a hotel, without a car or knowledge of the place I'm in, with our sleeping daughter and then LEAVE without telling me. WTF was his thinking??? I asked him, What if something had happened and she needed to get to the hospital. I would have picked her up and ran to that sports bar in the hotel, and guess who I would NOT have found there??? SO then what, I get to call my drunk husband who is God knows where and tell him to get back to the hotel or the hospital to help save his daughter?
The thing is, if he had just TOLD me he was going to do that, I probably wouldn't have cared. Sure, I'd be annoyed that they told us there was a fun bar they could hang out at IN the hotel but they still decided to drive all around town (They had a DD btw, thought I should throw that in), but if he had been honest, I wouldn't be nearly this hurt. The thing that gets me most is that these are the stupid things he does that make me lose my trust in him. I know he would never cheat, so there aren't trust issues with that, but I question every time he goes somewhere if he's actually going to do what he says he's going to do. He tells me he rationalizes all of this because he knows he's not doing anything malicious and he'd never cheat or do anything "bad", but I think hiding stuff like this is bad in and of itself.
Ok, sorry this got so long. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH vent...just need someone to see my side.
I think you're right it was dumb on his part and the lying about it part is what would chap my hide. And that is what I'd focus on...that he lied to you. You trust that he wouldn't do anything bad but what is he showing you when he lies about stuff like this? And that's how I'd explain it and kinda focus on the trust part of it.
"I trust you not to cheat or do anything bad but then you lie about a stupid goofy outing where nothing happened....if you lie to me about that then what else might you lie to me about? Get it now DH?"
Maybe that'll help.
I would be pretty peeved too. I wouldn't have a whole lot of confidence in where he's going for awhile... Have you asked him why he felt the need to be dishonest?
Maybe that was his lame attempt at being a bada$$ and relive his college days? Absolutely no excuse but just a thought.
((((((HUGS))))))))
Twin boys born too early at 17w4d and 18w2d in February 2010
Transabdominal cerclage placed September 2010
DS born at 35w1d in February 2011
Twin girls born at exactly 36w in February 2013
Yeah...I kinda tried to stay on that when he opened the can of worms in the car. Once we started talking, and I told him how the lying pissed me off, he started to get all defensive and giving me his rationalizations that I mentioned. He did apologize, but I feel like it's just so he can brush it away and not have to hear about it. I don't know if I trust that he won't lie to me about something like this again. He's done this before, but like he says, it's always something that is not malicious or hurtful. For example, he's a kayak fisherman. He loves to take his tiny one man kayak out into the ocean and fish for sharks (I think I posted about this before, a LOOONG time ago), and one time he told me he was going out from a safe harbor because he didn't want to freak me out, then when he gets back, he tells me that he actually went out at a way more dangerous place. In his mind, he's being a good man by sheltering me from the information that could freak me out until AFTER he gets back safe and sound. It just pisses me off because, what if something happens and I think he's at one place, but he lied!! He just doesn't get it.
See my response to vlewis...it kind of explains why he lies like this, but it doesn't excuse it!!
Actually, he might not have taken our car, I'm not 100% positive on that detail. In my anger I might've just assumed that, I'll have to ask him when he wakes up. We had a rental, and I know he didn't drive, his buddy's wife did and she didn't drink. So, maybe the car was still there, but I would've had no idea where the keys were, and I wasn't added to drive it. (Of course, in an emergency I would've done what I needed to do!)
But yeah, he was still STUPID!
<a href="http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y161/putalittlepolkainyourdot/?action=view
To me lying is malicious. If my H lied to me about something like that I would be LIVID. I cant stand liars. If you lie how am I suppose to trust anything you say? Also, I would be super pissed that he was bragging about it to our friends. You know all your friends left and were probably gossiping about it.
I'm not sure what I would do but lying is a deal breaker to me. It's not something I can handle. If I cant trust my husband than who can I trust?
I would probably start lying to him just to let him see how it feel but I'm a B like that.
BFP #2 - 11/4/09
My Book Blog
I totally see your side! My Dh used to do this all.the.time to me. Royally pissed me off every time. He finally stopped when I caught him one time in one of his white lies and now he just comes out and tells me the truth from the get go.
Most of the time when he says one thing, I usually resort to asking if that is really what he is doing or if he is going to do x,y and z. I know him better than he knows himself and I think he knows that now and has given up on trying to get away with it and tell me about it later.
He knows I'm pissed. We went to bed without speaking. When I woke up this morning, he tried to roll over and cuddle me as if I would just let it go and wake up fresh (which honestly, I wish I could do, but this really pissed me off), and I just shirked him off and came downstairs. So, he knows I'm still pissed, just not sure what to do about it.
Also, about our friends, I'm actually glad he told them. I know for a fact it just made him look like a ***. Their response was classic. I think he was hoping for high fives or something, but they all looked at him like he had grown another head. And I told him in the car when we were discussing it how hurt I was that he didn't have the guts to tell ME, but he would tell all my friends and act like he was cool for NOT telling me about it, and he even said, "Yeah, I don't think that went over too well." Of course, I agreed with him and said, "Yeah, you pretty much just made yourself look like a jackass to all of our friends."
BFP #2 = 3/30/09 DD born 12/9/09
BFP #3 = 5/17/11 EDD = 1/27/12
18 months
I'd honestly be pretty pissed off too. Not the fact that he went out, but as you said the fact that he failed to mention what he was honestly doing and where he was going to be. I know things often change when you get with friends but the least he could have done is call or text you to let you know the change of plans. Then I'd be more upset that he kept it from me all this time until the happy hour? Why not tell you in the morning what they did.
I'm sorry.
BFP#1 1.28.10; HB 6w5d 2.18.10; No HB 3.8.10; Natural m/c 3.9.10 at 9w3d
BFP#2 - 7.22.10 DD born 3.16.11
BFP#3 - 8.11.11 DS born 3.27.12
Did he go to this bar *knowing* he was going to go to others, or did it just kinda happen? Because, lets be honest, we all (most of us?) have been out drinking and plans have changed because some things just seem like a great idea when you're drunk. I might cut him a little slack if he hadn't planned it previously, but the fact that he didn't tell you until later in front of a group of friends so you couldn't yell at him right then was pretty effed up.
Here is what I would do. Get into bed tonight, and "accidentally" ball tap him. Just hard enough it hurts, but light enough it could have been an accident. He probably wont want to cuddle after that.
-m/c at 11w2d due to partial molar 2008 -m/c #2 2009
Beautiful daughter born February 2011
**Ultimate TTCALer 2009**
LMAO...I love your plan. Hilarious!
And no, when he left, he was planning on just staying at the hotel sports bar. I guess his friends just kinda sprung this on him. I should be pissed at them because I think that they planned this all along, and didn't tell him because they didn't want him to tell me or decide not to go or something.
We've been talking a bit about it this morning, and I think he's starting to get it now. At first, he said, "OK, I want to apologize for doing something that was marginally wrong." MARGINALLY??? Oh man. So, I explained to him that even though he didn't technically do anything wrong while he was out, the fact that he hid it from me was wrong. Not marginally. And it leads to the fact that now, when you say you are going somewhere, I will ALWAYS question where you are going because I can't trust you. It takes him a while, but he's starting to get it...he should have just texted me when he was leaving to let me know where he was going and we all could've saved ourselves a lot of nonsense!
Yeah...the not calling/texting to let you know that he would be going to other bars and not the sports bar is lame and unresponsible.
He's a husband and a father...it's part of taking responsiblity that he's being accountable to someone else.
Honestly, I wouldn't care that he bar hopped, as long as he called/texted saying "hey- we're leaving the sports bar and are going bar hopping around 1st St"
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12