Friend issue...am I wrong? (long)
Ok I need some perspective. I never thought I'd write one of these posts since I try to avoid drama but here it goes.
One of my best friends has been really hard to be friends with since C was born. C's birth was really traumatic for me, I had a perfect pregnancy until the day she was born, didn't know I was in labor and had an emergency c-section. My friend called to check on me right after she was born but since then has been increasingly hard to be friends with. This friend was a college roommate and someone I have helped through lots of hard things in her life.
A few days after C's birth, I got an email from her complaining about how hard and stressful her life was because she couldn't get the guy she was into to ask her out and she had two tests coming up in her grad program. I responded something to the effect of "I'm sorry you are stressed but I'm sitting in the hospital next to my baby's bed watching her fight for her life so I can't really feel sorry for you." From that point on she was a little distant and pretty much ignored me if I tried to talk to her about anything.
Fast forward to after C comes home. We invited a small group of friends over to celebrate her homecoming and meet her. My friend texted me an hour before she was going to come to say she was "tired" and not coming. In the meantime, a couple of our mutual friends have had babies and she is SO excited about them, visits them, posts pictures of her holding them, always calls to check on those moms. All the while not checking on C or me.
Then tonight a mutual friend has organized a girls night since I haven't been able to get out much since C's birth. First my friend informs me that she isn't coming. Then she changed her mind but only because she really wanted to see another one of the girls coming out with us (her words). So I tell her this hurts my feelings and we have an email discussion/fight (lame, I know) where she basically implies I'm the one at fault because I keep getting my feelings hurt over her behavior, particularly her ability to give attention to every other baby except mine.
Is there any reason to stay friends with this person? I'm not one to write people off but I am getting tired of being hurt and then blamed for it. Does anyone else feel like your friends have disappeared during this whole preemie experience?
::cookies to anyone who made it this far::
Re: Friend issue...am I wrong? (long)
Thanks for the cookies but I'm on Weight Watchers so I'll pass. J/K!
I think this is the real crux of the problem. She was a total insensitive cow when your LO was born and your reply made her feel like the a$$hat she truly is. Now she can't deal with feeling so burned by your response so she's putting it all back on you.
I think you have two choices here. The first is you clear the air about the email right after your LO was born. Suck it up and say something like "I'm sorry that I was so curt about your stressed out email. I was under so much stress given the life threatening situation our LO was in that I had zero tolerance for anything that wasn't absolutely life or death". That might do the trick ...but I doubt it will.
So that leaves you with Option #2 - write her off.
Or may I offer Option #3 [which is what I'm doing right now with one of my close friends based on a few insensitive comments she made about my LO] put the relationship on hold. Just step away and stop engaging with her. Give yourself some time to get through these challenging months; give her time to feel like the shmuck she is - and then revisit the relationship in six months or so. No need to make any big deal about it -it doesn't even need to be stated, just kind of disappear off her radar.
I agree with all of this, but (and I tend to really give people the benefit of the doubt and obviously don't know the background here) I see it this way: you've already said that you've helped her through other tough times before. She was having a stressful time in her life and shared it with you in that email. Your response was quite harsh. Not surprising given what you were going through in the moment, but harsh regardless. Her feelings were hurt and likely, she felt that she was doing due diligence on her side of the friendship in calling to check on you both after baby was born. Since then, everything's kind of spiraled downhill b/c you're both misinterpreting each other's reactions. Just my opinion, though, only you know how likely the scenario is.
Thanks ladies-this helps. I have actually apologized for being snarky in that email-I know it wasn't nice. I think the real underlying problem is that this is a friend who always expects me to pick up the pieces and listen to her problems but doesn't seem to be able to do the same for me. I'm leaning toward option 3 because I don't like #2....
Thanks for listening, I know its a bit ridiculous (and I find that embarrassing)
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
This exactly! I would put her into the 'acquaintance' category and just leave it lie. If she can't act like a grown up and be there for you then you can't be expected to listen to her trivial crap. And for the record, I don't think you should have apologized for the 'snarky' email. She was an insensitive idiot for what she wrote to you. Is she one of those people that the world is only as big as her life? You have plenty of other things on your mind and it sounds like some great friends that are there for you. You don't need the drama of someone so childish.
I was just about to type out something similar to the above, but the PP beat me to it.
I agree 100%.
Throughout this TTC/IF/PGL/Preemie experience, I've really tried to keep perspective that just because I had/lost a baby, doesn't mean that my friend's life needed to be put on hold for me/my baby. That they are allowed to have drama in their life, even if it pales in comparison (IMHO) to my current strife.
Since you asked for opinions, I think you owe her an apology. That she called you to see how you were. Then during the course of conversation, when she told you what was going on in her life, you jumped down her throat and said that her drama isn't even worth your time. Not exactly friend behavior...KWIM? I think that if you called her and apologized, it would be the first step to repairing the friendship...if this is a friendship you want to repair. No shame in paring down the friend list as certain points in your life. Lord knows I have done it.
HTH!
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective ladies. I appreciate the sympathy but also the honestly--it really helps.
For now, I'm just going to leave things as they are. I have apologized several times for hurting her in any way and told her I value our friendship and want to move on. She and will probably not be as close but these things happen. I guess the truth is I could have lived with everything else but I'm still really hurt that she is so willing to celebrate the healthy babies of mutual friends but never makes any effort with our baby because she "couldn't bond" with her by visiting her and holding her when she was born. I think that's really the icing on the cake for me since I couldn't hold my own baby for several days much less worry about C bonding with other people at that time.
Thanks again for listening. I now hope to return to regularly scheduled drama free internet life
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
You've gotten a lot of great advice here but this summed it up, I think. It's advice I need to take myself. Preemie parenting can divide you from your no-kids friends as well as your term-friends. It's an experience that can never be described.
Thanks! And thanks for listening to all my complaining-you've had more that most. I owe you!
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
I think that, you have already apologized for being harsh (even though you had every reason to be blunt, believe me) then you should just distance yourself and see what happens in time. Easier said then done, espeically when you have mutual friends, but just be civil and don't force a relationship at this point, and see what happens.
Nonsense! Anytime