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August 2011 Moms
amy888
member
selfish? not wanting family in waiting room
amy888
member
i know this has come up a few times before on the boards but does anyone NOT want family at the hospital while you are in labor? i have already told my DH that i would prefer his family to stay home until after the baby is born (same goes for my family). i think he was a little offended and he insists that they will stay in the waiting room but i've told him no...i don't want anyone hovering and it will give us time to bond just the three of us before the parade of people traipse in to see her. i understand everyone's excitement and wanting to be there but my take is that we are the ones having the baby and i don't see the need to be waiting right there until everyone (well, me) has time to rest, clean up, nurse and all of the things that happen after you have a baby.
i was ok with my "demand" up until a friend's mom told me to rethink my decision because with her first child, it was a difficult delivery and her husband told her that he wouldn't have made it through if he didn't have family at the hospital supporting him. it got me thinking, am i being too selfish? am i just being concerned with me and not DH's feelings? he's a part of this, too and i want to make sure that his feelings aren't ignored.
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Re: selfish? not wanting family in waiting room
I think you have to do what you feel comfortable with/want. The friend's mom may have a point, but I think that everyone will have some kind of opinion about it, good and bad.
I have to have this talk with my mom this weekend. DH's parents, bless them, already made it very clear that as much as they want to meet their grandson, they just want the occasional text update that all is ok and will not leave the house to visit until we are settled in our post-delivery room. My mom insists that she is literally following us to the hospital and wants to be in the delivery room. DH and I want us to be alone when our son is born (obvious exception to the dr/nurses), and I have to tell her....ugh...
DH and I have talked about this many times... I don't even want to let our parents know until we're settled in L&D. Plus, we decided if we have to induce that it will be on a weekday when most of our F&F will be at work. I also don't want people hovering, and DH is on board with that. When we start pushing, we don't mind everyone starting to head up the the hospital. We've also communicated this to our parents who are in charge of keeping everyone informed of what's going on.
with my daughter I had everyone there....it was nice but this time around I want it to be private...ive already informed my family no one is allowed in the room while im in labor and went even beyond that to say that Im not gonna call anyone till after the baby is born. This was a sore subject with my mother who just assumed she was gonna be in the room at first than later just assumed she was gonna be in her words "sitting outside the door while im in labor". she made a big scene at my baby shower and stormed out of the room when i was talking to my cousin about it and told her I wasnt calling anyone till the baby was born (she was ease dropping on my conversation).
my decision is based on my poor relationship I have with my mother, she is bipolar and I have no idea what her behavior is going to be that day and I dont want the added stress. And I know darn well it will leak to her if i call any other family so my decision is just to not let anyone know till after the baby is here. My in laws will know as they are watching my daughter and dog (they are currently staying with us till the baby arrives) but they know not to let anyone else in the family know. I trust them as my MIL knows what I go through on a daily basis with my mother.
Personally, I don't care who waits in the waiting room. If they don't mind waiting that is up to them. I am not going to rush anything to accomodate them. Make sure your nurses know that you will decide when people can come in to see you.
Our big arguement over if his mom could come in to the delivery room. She asked me in front of their entire family to put me on the spot but it didn't work. I get him not getting what the big deal was at first but she should/does get it. I was never ask or expect to go in with anyone. She then tried to convince him that it wasn't fair that my mom was coming in and she wasn't, so she thought the best solution was no moms in.
I am jealous of everyone that was a wonderful normal mil.
We are having FIL take the day off to watch DS1 while I have my cs with DS2. DH and I will be the only ones at the hospital, mostly because my delivery is sched'd for a Wednesday and everyone's at work.
FWIW, DS1 was born with a life-threatening birth defect, and required immediate transfer and surgery. I made DH follow the baby. He left me for the children's hospital 2 hours away. Because my hospital had a strict 2 visitor only policy we had decided that only DH would be there. I needed my mom, and I am eternally grateful that BOTH of my parents were available to leave work on such short notice to be with me. I couldn't have dealt with that alone.
Not that I would wish this situation on anyone, but DS1's birth defect went undiagnosed until birth, so there was no preparation.
Yes, I think you are being selfish, but not in a mean way... in a I-want-a-chance-to-bond-and-take-in-my-new-family kind of way. Do what you are comfortable with.
No one will be in the waiting room for us either. H still has to tell his parents that... but that's a whole other story.
I understand your friend's mom's point of your H maybe needing some support, it is a valid point. I know my H is concerned he wont be able to handle the pressure/stress of being my soul support. But I know my H will be worried about updating everyone in the waiting room all the time, that's just how he is. Plus I want our alone time.
We have told everyone we will keep them updated via text, that we dont want phone calls coming in constantly. And once the baby is born and we are settled into the maternity ward area.
I love that I can blame hormones when someone gets bent out of shape about this
Not selfish at all. DH and I have decided the same thing. I've discussed it with my mother and could tell she was disappointed. She kept saying, "well, I'll be in the waiting room anyway in case you need your momma."
The way I see it, the decision has been made that NO ONE but hubby is allowed in my room during labor and at least 2 hours after baby's delivery. But, I can't stop them from sitting in the waiting room, even if I think it's unnecessary. They'll just have to deal with the fact that they could be sitting there a long time with no interaction with me.
I don't think it's selfish at all - you are the one who has to go through labor, and it is you and your DH's baby.
I made a couple things clear with my dad last I talked to him. That I wanted the first hours after baby is born to be just me, DH, and baby for the bonding and breastfeeding time. Also, when we arrive home I would like it to be just us so that we can settle in and let our cat get used to things a little bit before any scary people show up (she is scared of visitors).
Our family lives out of state, so they might just go ahead and wait a couple days so that they get a more valuable visit than wasting vacation time to be at the hospital. We shall see.
We had everyone at the hospital last time. I have to admit it was very overwhelming after he was born to have everyone come in. However, when I look back, it was really great to have all those people there to celebrate his arrival.
This time will have to be a little different because of DS. He is about to be 2 and he won't be able to wait in a waiting room for a long time. Whoever has him, won't come to the hospital until we are pushing(unless it is late at night and then he will be home in bed with whoever is taking care of him). But we will welcome as many family members as possible.
At our hospital, there is no hanging out in the halls. The nurses send you straight to the waiting room to wait. Plus, no one can barge into your delivery room while delivering. So we know that everyone will be sitting in the waiting room or in the cafe while delivering. They also know not to come back until given the word.
I don't really want anyone waiting either, but when I mentioned it to DH he said there was no way I was going to be able to keep our family out of the waiting room. He is very close to his family so I caved and said we can tell them they can come wait when we are close to having the baby (close to pushing). But I made it very clear that we will be waiting at least an hour or two before anyone comes in the room after birth. If they want to wait, so be it.
I still am not a fan of this situation, but that was my compromise. If I had it my way, we'd call everyone after the baby was here.
I am with you. We are not notifying anyone when I go into labor. There will be enough going on without DH and I having to be concerned with hospital guests.
Everyone's situation is different, and I know I've responded to a few posts about this issue before.
Last time around, It was just me and DH for the whole process. My parents and siblings came like right before it was time for me to push, but they live out of town so I wasn't going to not let them back for a few min. It was just DH and I in the room during the time for actual delivery. What he did was follow DD over to the baby warmer while they got her cleaned off, weighed and measured, and did her APGARS. He took pictures with his digital camera and then went to the lobby to show my family the pictures. I had some complications after delivery (hemmorhage), then needed stitches, so it was awhile before anyone could come back anyways.
This time around, I want my mom to be there in the room with us this time because it allows for DH to take a break to go get food, walk around, do whatever without him feeling guilty for leaving me behind. When I was hemmorhaging, I think DH was torn between being by me and worrying about me vs. Being next to his brand new baby girl. If my mom is there this time she could give him a little reassurance that its ok to leave me and be with his baby. My mom can be the one to take pics and go show family out in the lobby. Your nurses won't let people back until you are ready. In my experience, they don't keep you for long in the L&D area. For me it was like 1.5 hours and my family followed me up to the postpardum unit. However, once you get transferred to postpardum, its free game for anyone to come and visit!
I don't think there's anything wrong with ppl in the waiting room, its their decision if they want to stay there for the duration of your labor. You can limit visitors, but really can't control what goes on in the lobby. Everyone's situation is different. DH isn't close with any of his family, so my family is the only support system we have, so I didn't have many visitors to begin with! There's also ways to bond with your baby with having visitors. With me, once we got to our postpardum room, the nurse wheeled in the warmer and DH gave her first bath (I wasn't allowed out of bed yet due to the hemmorhage), and then they placed her skin to skin with me, just slipped her under my gown. No one but DH and I held her until the next day. This is also something you can do.
I would really prefer not to have family in the waiting room, but since we will probably call our families when we go to the hospital (mine b/c they live really far away and DH's so that someone can plan to check in on our dogs), I'm sure that my ILs will probably be there as soon as possible.
Even if people are in the waiting room, they will NOT be in the delivery room at any point and we will still have our hour or 2 or more of time to bond with baby and start breastfeeding before anyone else is allowed in the room. I think the plan is for DH to go out shortly after the baby is born and tell them the gender, and then they will be allowed in once we're situated. I'm assuming that while I'm in labor I probably won't care about who is outside the room
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I got flamed for this last week when someone asked a similar question, but here's my take on it:
You (the person whose lady bits are on display) get to make the absolute call on who is in the room during labor and associated stitching, cleaning up, and first nursing.
You and DH (the parents) get to make the absolute call on when and how you tell people and who gets to see you, him, and the baby after delivery. BUT, that part needs to be a joint decision between you and DH -- your feelings on that don't trump his.
I do understand your point about not wanting people to hover, though. I think you and DH should brainstorm a bit about what feels comfortable for both of you.
It annoyed me having my ILs waiting in the waiting room for 10 hours during my labor with DD. They kept coming to nursing station and asking them to call my room to ask random questions. After the delivery when I let ILs in to see the baby before we went up to our regular room (note this was at like 2 am) my nurse said "oh those ones were with you?"
Anyway, I allowed it for DH's sake and it was truly annoying. I think, however, that if they hadn't bugged us it would have been fine. Still, you get to decide - talk it over with DH.
I figure as long as they don't come in my ROOM until I say they can--who cares who is in the waiting room? Chances are they'll get tired of waiting, and leave. I only had H, mom, and H's aunt (who was my secondary coach) in my room with DS during labor/deliver--my H's family--including MIL--all had to stay in the waiting room. They were all out there for about 8-10 hours probably. Once I delivered DS, they ran out to pick up dinner for us (Subway) since he was delivered around 5 and I had had NOTHING to eat. They came in the room about an hour after he was born, when we were all cleaned up.
I didn't want any family in the waiting room at first, but honestly the closer I get to my EDD the more I realize that a) it will be nice to know that there are people somewhere close by praying for me and b) resistance is futile. L is the first grandbaby on both sides, and everybody already knows we won't have any visitors until after he gets here and H and I have some quality time with the baby so ultimately it doesn't matter to us where they wait.
We also figured that if certain family members see us at the hospital, they won't be beating down our door when we get home. H only gets a week off so we really don't want to start having visitors until after he goes back to work.
We are asking everyone to wait in the waiting room until we are settled.
I am just going to have to trust and hope that they respect our wishes and rely on the nurses if someone other than my husband tries to sneak back.
Honestly though, and I know this is selfish, I want them in the waiting room. If for some reason, DH has to run off to the NICU or something with LO, then I might want someone to come and stay with me.
Also, our L&D is separate from the hospital and the cafeteria is very far away. We will pack snacks for DH, but if we need someone to run and go get something for us, it would be nice that DH didn't have to leave my side.
I'm not having anyone in the waiting room. My fiance's immediate family lives in SC & they'll be coming down a month after LO is born.
As for my immediate family, I told my mother & father I will call them once LO is born bc I can't imagine having my parents wait in the waiting room until I give birth. My father is suffering from stage IV cancer and he doesn't have much longer with our family & I don't want him to be uncomfortable at the hospital waiting for the baby to come. I have no idea how long its going to take LO to come into this world.
I've let everyone know that I don't wish to have anyone waiting out in the waiting room. DH and I will be the only ones at the hospital. My mom wasn't too happy about it, but I don't need the added stress. I'll give everyone a phone call after my baby is born and maybe allow visitors depending on how I'm feeling.
In-laws/grandparents/parents have waited 9 months to meet the baby, so I don't see a problem with them waiting a little longer.
Not selfish! DH and I only told my parents and his when I went into labor with DS1 and we didnt even call any other family or friends to tell them until we left the hospital. I didnt want people there while I was in labor nor did I want them coming in and out of our room while we were bonding with our baby at the hospital. My mother was in the room with me while delivering with a strict above the shoulders policy, which she followed to a T, and my dad and in-laws came to the hospital after DS was born. We then kindly explained to our parents that we would let them know when we leave and they can come to the house and visit all of us. Honestly, our parents were understanding about it and gave us our privacy and peace, I am not sure if your family would be as understanding. But, it was really nice that we got to relax and I got sometime to recover. I felt like crap after he was born and didnt want to have to "entertain" people or sit there and stare at them while they were visiting.I surely didnt want people there while I was in labor either. I breastfeed DS and didnt want people coming in and out. Actually, the only person that kinda got mad about us not calling them right away was my best friend, but she got over it and later told me she understood.
IMO it is your and your DH's decision on who you want to tell when. It is what works best for you guys!
I feel the same way you do. Primarily because I can't trust people to maintain boundaries and not keep poking their heads in the room. But also because I want us to have at least 1-2 hours to ourselves after the birth before the visiting frenzy begins. The skin to skin time is important and I don't want to have to worry about covering up or anything. So I don't see the point of having everyone in the waiting room when they are still going to have to wait 1-2 hours longer after lo is born. It just makes more sense to me to call people after lo is born and then tell them when we will be ready for visitors.
I know that you want to consider DH's feelings, which is important, but the thing is if it is a stressful delivery, you and baby are going to need DH there to be supportive to you, and he is just going to have to rise to the occasion. He can't be running out to the waiting room for support while you two are in need.