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November 2011 Moms
I would like to know, why?
This upcoming Thursday would have been my 24 week pregnancy mark. Why couldn't things wait a little longer? It has been 1 week and 2 days since Sofia was born. My body is pretty much back to 'normal.' I have finally stopped bleeding for the most part, which would have been wonderful if that happened
WHILE I WAS PREGNANT!
I still have a little milk, but I can wear my prepregnancy bras. My clothes all fit how the did prepregnancy. My arm is still bruised from where a nurse accidently broke my vein. I have two small holes on my hand where the IV was. The IV that was giving me medicine which was supposed to stop the contractions.
I was on magnesium, and had to be given the highest dose. When the contractions subsided for the most part, they turned it down from a 3 to a 2.5. The night before Sofia was born it was a 2.5. If it was a 3, would this all have still happened? When I noticed contractions at 3AM, should I have asked for her to bump up the magnesium instead of taking nubain?? It wasn't like the contractions were something out of the orginary... and not nearly as painful as I had had previously. If I didn't get up to go to the bathroom, would my water still have broken? Even though I had been told to frequently empty my bladder to keep the contractions away?
Was there really NOTHING that could have been done differently? When Sofia was born, and I held her and told her how much I loved her, I kept telling her I was so sorry. Why couldn't I keep her safe inside me? This is so unfair and I hate it. I keep thinking I wish I could go back or I wish I was still pregnant. I still even feel my stomach at times then remember, oh there is nothing there. I even think I feel her move sometimes, but she is not there, and when that happens, I stop breathing and try so hard to hold on to that moment because I want it to be real so bad. But, it isn't. Nothing is how I wanted it, nothing is how it was supposed to be.
At least, nothing is how I thought it was supposed to be.
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Re: I would like to know, why?
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I think the pain of an event like this is so severe, that even we women don't talk about it amongst ourselves... because there is nothing to talk about, I guess. There are no answers that comfort us, no explanations that make us feel better. A lost pregnancy is a time of mourning, but it isn't (at least it wasn't for me and my husband) a time when any comfort could be found.
It has taken me 2 years to recover from our lost one, and it took me 20 weeks into THIS pregnancy to finally feel more excited than afraid. Afraid to go through that again. The fear lingers, but at last there is hope where there used to be pain and anger.
I hope that time heals your heart, as it has mine.
True.
I'm sorry
Not that those words help, but really, there isn't any better.
I hope you can feel better soon.
It is bloody unfair. Looking for an explanation or something that makes sense in this is an exercise in futility, because there is no plane of the universe where what happened to your family is right.
It seems to me your questions over what happened are way normal - as if you can find some kind of rational reason for something so extraordinarily wrong. But there is no rational reason for this. It shouldn't have happened. It's just schitty.
Grief is a funny thing - we all have to get through it differently. It can be very isolating. I found with my losses that I got lots of sympathy unfront, but in short order, people went back to their lives, and I was still left in pain and shock. I was supposed to get over it, but felt stuck.
Do whatever YOU need to do to take care of yourself as you deal with this. Cry when you need to, and don't apologize for it. Crying is an expression of pain, and dammit you deserve the right to express your pain. I would also recommend finding a good therapist to talk to. I leaned on my DH, but having someone else to unload with other than him was good for our marriage too. You deserve to get help dealing with this. And in my opinion, making sure YOU are getting the help you need and deserve, is a sign of strength.
This loss will be a part of you forever. But it will get better, I promise. You will always grieve and remember, but you will find a way to deal with it where you are not feeling a piercing pain all the time. I swear - you will find a way through this.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
All I want to say is that I am so very sorry for your loss. I know your looking for comfort here, and I'm sorry that I can't be much help.
Just try to rememeber, everything happens for a reason. Everything. Sometimes you have to try to find the only one positive thing out of a situation in order to make it through it. Just keep your head held high and know that that precious baby girl is in a way better place than we are and she deserves so much better! It almost saddens me to think that I am bringing a child into this world that seems to be getting worse every year.. I almost hate to see how the world will be when they grow up.