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September 2011 Moms
jellybeanmama0929
member
DH being a douche! Really annoyed right now!
jellybeanmama0929
member
Okay...
I totally understand that my DH wasn't really ready to have another child. I mean when we got married he said he wanted one but apparently at some point changed his mind without having that discussion with me. I get it, he has 3 kids already from his first marriage and the youngest is almost 7 and to that point where he is pretty much self sufficient. But seriously, couldn't we have had this "I don't want to have another kid" discussion together so that I could have went on birth control?
Anyways, when I first told DH that I was pregnant on January 25th he was less than thrilled and made some not so nice comments. He talked about giving it up for adoption and all this other stuff. It was to the point where I was ready to pack my things and leave. I am excited about being a mommy and I am not getting rid of this child.
We had several discussions and I thought everything was settled and he was on board finally. He has been helping immensely with most things. However, there are still some things that he is really distant about (picking out baby clothes, never wants to go look in the baby section with me when we are at the store, doesn't want to be in the delivery room and doesn't want to take birthing classes with me). When I talked to him about this he just gives me his standard line of "I have already been through this 3 times. I don't need to go through it again." It was really starting to piss me off.
Well yesterday, out of the blue and with no reason to think it would be an issue in the first place, he says, "Are you sure that Jellybean is mine?"
WTF?!?!?!?!
I said, "Of course! Why would you think any differently?"
He said, "Well, I just am having this feeling that he isn't mine and I need you to be honest with me. We have been married for almost 2 years and you didn't get pregnant until now."
I said, "Well, things happen in their own timing. I know people who were married for 5 years before they got pregnant."
Then he has the nerve to say, "Well, I want a paternity test when you give birth."
OMG! I went off!
I have never done anything to make him think that this child wouldn't be his. I have never done anything to give him any reason to doubt. I get that he doesn't want to have another child but to go to the extreme of denying that this kid is yours if f'ing ridiculous.
I told him, "If you don't trust me that much then fine have your paternity test. But we are done and you will not sign the birth certificate until after it is proven that you are the father and make a complete ass out of yourself for denying it in the first place. I will not be married and raise a child with someone who doesn't trust me. You can actually just go f*** yourself right now. I am completely appalled by this!"
He got mad at me and said that I didn't need to go to that extent. He said, "If it really is mine then you should have no problem with this. We can get the test...you can prove me out to be an a**hole and we can move on. We don't have to get divorced. Unless, of course, you are going to this extent because you know that he isn't mine?"
I looked at him and said, "I have nothing to hide! For the last year and a half I have been sitting at home while you go to school/work and I take care of the boys and you know where I am at 24/7. I have nothing to hide. And, yes, if you want a paternity test we are TOTALLY through! You can pay me child support and see you son every other weekend and that is it! I am not going to give in to you like your ex did and she cheated on you several times. Did you ever ask her for a paternity test with the boys? NO! So why are you doing it to me? I will not live with someone who doesn't trust me and I will not have MY son around an a**hole. I will find someone who will teach him how to be a good person and not a douche bag."
He told me that if that is how I honestly feel and I am 100% sure that Jellybean is his then he will just have to trust me. I told him I wasn't forcing him either way. He can do what he wants and so can I. So if a paternity test is the only way he will be able to trust me then he can have his paternity test. And after that I can decide what I want to do. He said that he believes me and doesn't want the test but I am still so f'ing angry about this and it is still NOT settled with me.
I am so at a loss as to how to deal with this situation!
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Re: DH being a douche! Really annoyed right now!
Wow! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this!! I agree with the PP's, this is completely unacceptable.He could have easily used birth control if he was so worried about you getting pregnant. I wonder if something else is going on with him?Is he depressed or having issuing about supporting another baby? If you want to work things out at all, can you two go to counseling or therapy?
I think you are so right on to be upset and good on ya for being so strong and sticking up for yourself and your baby. You deserve better than this!
We have had several blown up arguments since I have been pregnant and the last one we had prior to the above mentioned I actually packed my stuff and called my mom to see if I could come stay with her. He immediately called my mom and said not to worry about it and then started taking everything that I was putting in my car out of it and back into the apartment. So I am not sure what the deal is. I mean if he is looking for a way out of this marriage I have given him several opportunities to just be done with it all. I would have figured if he really wanted to be done he would have just let me go. Why would you fight to keep me here if you didn't want to be married anymore. This is why I am confused because I can't figure out why this is all going on aside from the fact that he really isn't as okay with having a child as I initially thought he was!
Men (and sometimes women) have a weird way of showing that they want out. He might have conflicting feelings about everything. It might be a control thing. I have no idea.
My suggestion is to get help NOW. Tell him you will be going to therapy and if he would like to save the marriage he will be going with you. Otherwise you will be going alone in order to prepare yourself for being a single parent.
You say his ex cheated on him alot and he was on the fence about having a kid. Those two factors combined have enabled this total douchebag behavior.
It is not excusable. You were right to stick up for yourself but I would be wary in the future that these insecurities will undermine his ability to appreciate you and acknowledge just how fantastic a wife you are.
Tell him he needs therapy. He's obviously got issues. Maybe couples counseling would be helpful as well.
I am sorry you have to deal with this crap.
If my husband seriously asked for a paternity test, we'd be signed up for therapy.
Actually, his reaction to the pregnancy would have had us in therapy too.
Yes, definitely douchebag behavior. I'll echo what other wise posters have said...and please don't take this as me defending his behavior...but once you're betrayed and hurt badly by someone (his ex), it's very hard to trust again, and not always look behind you for the next dagger...even if you've never given him a reason to believe you'd hurt him.
Also, if he really wasn't planning to have a baby, maybe he's feeling disconnected from the whole process and so his man-brain somehow arrived at "maybe this child isn't mine, and that's why I don't feel connected." I've said it before, and I'll say it again...men just react very differently (read: oddly) to stressful situations.
A therapist is a great idea. His behavior is not acceptable, and he should hear that loud and clear...but it would be a good opportunity to dust off whatever underlying issues are causing it to see if you can come to an understanding.
I do not agree that all men think about not being the father even in a quick fleeting thought.
OP, this is very serious, accusing you of getting pregnant with another man and pinning it on him is not normal, and to take it to the point of a paternity test is over the top!
Protect yourself and your innocent boy if he continues to act this way.
This. Im so sorry your having to deal with this right now but for me...there wouldnt even be a possiblity of staying with him. He obviously has resentment towards this child already and he doesnt seem like he is going to be all that helpful...he doesnt want to be in the delivery room?? What the f is that about...I dont care if you have been through it 15 times or never...that simple fact alone would send me running. He doesnt want to be a part of one of the biggest days of your lives!
This. He married you, he knew you wanted children, he agreed to having one with you, he engaged in unprotected sex with his wife and now that you're pregnant he's going to start acting passive-agressive about not wanting to go through the milestones of pregnancy and parenting and question his paternity? And the fact that he can't be adult enough to be excited for you, as this is your first. Has he always acted like this? If so, I would've left a long time ago, sorry that sounds so harsh. I wouldn't even entertain behavior like this, no matter how silly or casual the argument is/was. This is his child, and to insist on a paternity test because he changed his mind about children and his ex-wife cheated on him is nothing but him playing the victim card and it's immature and selfish. He's baiting you to use your reaction to his request to gauge how "truthful" it could be, and that behavior is vile, reprehensible and warped.
I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. But please please please protect yourself through this; do not accept that you have to give in to his nonsense demands to satisfy him, because it sounds like he's not considering any of your needs to satisfy.
Wow. I am shocked and can completely see how you feel the way you do. As angry as I would be (and trust me, I'd be LIVID) I want you to think about the repercussions of divorce on the family you have and the baby you will have. I can not stress enough how important it is to exhaust every other option before you split for good. PLEASE SEEK THERAPY. You married this man for a reason. You loved him then. Part of you still loves him, I'm guessing. That's why it hurts to be accused of something like this. While reading your story, I began thinking "They need therapy" way back in the beginning, and kept thinking it as you told how he's not interested in shopping/birthing classes/etc "because he's been there already"-- He needs to understand that YOU have NOT been there already, and as your husband, he (a) needs to be your team mate in this, and (b) he has not been there already WITH YOU. This is a totally different marriage, and if he's not doing things he "already did" with his previous marriage, then you wouldn't be pregnant in the first place, if you know what I mean! But with this paternity issue, it is crystal clear that you need some professional help to untangle this web of hurt and betrayal and broken trust. It will take work, but it WILL be worth it. It's not easy, but you can do it. Drag his ass into the therapy session if you have to. You're fighting for your child. You're fighting for your family. You're fighting for your marriage. There are hidden, unearthed issues in this--there are things he's not communicating to you, and that is probably true of you as well. Get a professional to help you both to understand one another, and bring this baby into a world with BOTH parents, who love and RESPECT each other. Do it for Jellybean
Holy Balls, if my husband questioned who the father was, it would be life changing, seriously, I can't even put into words how I'm feeling about this.
I know that I have to consider the family unit when making the decision to split up. I mean my SSs have been through the split up of their natural parents already and I know it would hurt them more to have their father and I split up as well. I have thought about counselling...I have thought about just packing my stuff up Thursday while H is at work and after the boys leave to go back to their BM...I have thought about ripping H's balls off...I have run through a gambit of emotions today. There was a point where I almost texted him and said, "Do you honestly think that Jellybean isn't your's? Because if you do then we just need to do the paternity test and move on with our lives." I also thought about texting him and saying, "Do you honestly think that Jellybean isn't your's? Because if you do then we just need to seek counselling and just go our separate ways because there are way too many trust issues floating around here for me to even be able to swim though."
Right now I am just really resenting him. I want to just punch him in the gonads and throw all of his sh** out in the hallway of the apartment and lock the door and have the SS's BM come and get them. But then again I agree that some level of counselling needs to take place.
I left and went down to my mother's for a couple hours last night while H and the kiddos went out to his half brother's new house for their housewarming party. I wasn't in the mood to go after the paternity issue. When I got home I wanted to talk to him about it but he said, "There isn't anything else to talk about. If you say it is mine I guess I have to trust that you are telling the truth." I don't want him to just trust me because he doesn't want me to leave. On the other hand he has also said that he can't afford to pay child support for four kids. This statement was made in what I thought was a joking manner, to his BIL when they were talking about what he would do about child support if him and I were to split up. Now I am thinking he wasn't joking and that he seriously doesn't want this marriage but he also doesn't want to have to pay any more child support. I feel like he is just keeping me around so he won't have to pay child support on four kids. As I write this I am beginning to realize how big of a douche he is and I am really questioning why I am still here.
God this sucks!
My heart is just really hurting for you. I can't imagine being in your place. What I hear from you is that you are very torn and still very emotional (I don't blame you one bit!). I think that tells me that you should definitely look into therapy. I can't remember if you mentioned this, but is your H open to therapy? Would you be willing to discuss it with him (calmly) and see if he'd be open to it? It doesn't even have to be a "fix" or a way to fix things. Just to have a professional see if you two are on the same page, and get to the bottom of things.
Big hugs.