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December 2010 Moms
Mommysaurus123
member
Frustrated with family (long vent, sorry)
Mommysaurus123
member
I am a little heartbroken after a visit with my family (mom and dad, sister, and her kids yesterday).
DH and I want to see the last HP movie in IMAX 3D on Wednesday night, and we asked my mom to babysit because she is always saying stuff like, "When will I get to see my little buddy again?" My sister and her 2 kids (8 and 2.5) live with my parents, and my sister is more worried about dating this new guy than about taking care of her kids. So even when my sister is home, my mom ends up babysitting. (My sister is going to be 27 in a few months.)
So we ask my mom to babysit and she said, "Well, Wednesday is the one night I don't have to watch the kids and I get to have the night to myself. So if you can't find anyone else, I guess I'll watch him, but I'd rather do it at my house than yours." So she wants us to drive 30 min to her house, even though the theater is 2 minutes from our house, and then L would have to be put to bed in a bed that isn't his? Then we'd have to wake him up to take him home? How is that even remotely fair?
I'm so frustrated that my sister's kids are always number 1 to my mom... I wish my sister would get her shiit together and move out so that my dad would be more fun, too. He always locks himself away in his room or watches baseball when we're there because he is tired of my sister's kids, which sounds bad, but she doesn't control them and they are so loud all the time, and he goes to bed at 7PM so he can leave for work at 1AM... they never let him sleep.
PLUS, my sister has known her new "boyfriend" for not even 3 weeks and they are already fvcking like bunnies... it's ridiculous because my mom supports her being with a "nice guy" for a change... and they judge us if we don't go to church a few weeks in a row... Seems a little bass-ackwards to me.
Anyway, we decided that we are no longer going to visit either set of our parents to see how long it takes them to come over to our house and see their grandson. I don't think it's too ridiculous to stop traveling 30+ minutes to visit them each one night/week. It takes time out of our schedule and we're tired of not being able to be home with our son.
And if my mom doesn't want to babysit, then we won't ask her to again. Ever. We love our kiddo and will take him everywhere but the movies with us... so we'll just get someone else for that one night.
Sorry so long... I just cried the whole way home last night after seeing how my mom still prefers my sister and her kids to me and mine.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Frustrated with family (long vent, sorry)
Oh, I'm sorry you're upset
Family can be a pretty tricky thing, especially when multiple children and responsibilities get involved. That being said, I don't think it sounds like your mom PREFERS your sister's kids to yours. It really just sounds like she gets tied down watching them, and she looks forward to a day to herself every now and then. I think all of us moms feel that way with our own children. Could you maybe offer another day to go see HP, giving her time off. I think in that moment last night, she probably just felt exhausted. I bet she'd feel sad if she knew you felt like she didn't want to spend time with L. How did you end it with her?
Give her a few days to recuperate, then try a new date, new time?
ETA: Both my parents and DH's parents live over two hours away. It takes effort on both of our parts to see them, and most of the time it is us coming to them. It just works like that. We don't doubt their love and desire to see M.
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I can relate because I knew before I even got pregnant that if I ever had a baby, that they would always be second to my younger sister's daughter. My kid could turn out to be a nobel prize winner, and it still wouldnt' be as cool as something miss Abby did the other day...
But! I think you are doing exactly what I would do if my mom acted like she was too busy to watch my LO. You don't NEED your mother to watch him, and maybe by not visiting her all the time she will realize that something is up.
I really doubt your son is any less important to her than your sister's kids. I was living with my parents when DS#1 was born, and my mom was taking care of him so I could go to school and work to try to save so we could move out eventually. Then when I met my husband and we started dating, I would ask if she would baby sit ...and after spending all day/all week with him on the weekends she'd want a break, which made dating in the beginning difficult. I can guarantee you your mom is just burnt out by your sisters kids, especially if they are wild and difficult to control.
Don't take it that your mom prefers them - right now it sounds like she's their sole care giver and is probably just worn out.
Maybe try taking your mom and dad out to dinner with just YOUR family - to get them out of the house and a few hours away from your sisters kids. I bet you anything they dote on your son every second you guys are all out. ...or maybe schedule her a day or a few hours at a spa with you. She really just sounds worn out.
Here's hoping your sister steps up and takes care of her kids!
2012 Reading Challenge
First, I am very sorry that you are having to deal with BS from both sides of your family. I agree that you should go on a "accommodate the grandparents" strike and make them come to the mountain. I can't tell you how many posts about your in-laws that I have read that have just floored me.
BUT...
It doesn't sound like your mom is preferring your sister and her kids. It sounds like she holds you in a higher regard then your sister. I'm sure she's just as tired of them being in her house as your Dad is...only thing is that she can't escape to the other room or basement. She truly wanted a night to herself. She didn't have to watch your LO, but she said she would anyway. She just didn't want to drive 30 minutes to your house to do it. Give her a break, she raised her own kids now she's stuck with the embarrassment of having to still take care of your sister and now her kids too. All while pondering the situation that your sister is probably having unprotected sex again and is really hoping this guy is a nice guy and will take them off her hands... Ugh!! I say direct your Marsha attitude toward your sister and cut your Mom a break. Maybe pay for a pedicure for her...
This is exactly right... They don't make her pay rent, or utilities, or groceries, and it's so frustrating to me. They always want to make things "fair." They paid my room and board when I went away to college because they had to pay my sister's (she lived at home with one kid when she did her undergrad.) I wish they'd pay my mortgage since they are giving my sister a free ride. Mom said last night that they get things from the electric company and they use WAY more electricity than their neighbors, and I said, "The kids leave lights on all the time, and they are here 24/7. Your neighbors have jobs and are out of the house." I think the issue is that my mom NEEDS to be NEEDED. And I don't think "prefer" was the right word, but she definitely is more active with my niece and nephew. We all went out for dinner last night, and when my N&N were younger, she would take them to change their diapers, etc. Now, when L needs changed, she hands him back to me. And it sucks, because most restaurants don't have changing tables in the men's room, so it really is all on me. (I'm not complaining, I know I signed up for diaper duty, but it would be nice to be able to eat my meal IN the restaurant instead of bringing it home all the time.)
We told her not to worry about babysitting. We'll find a different night to go in a few weeks, though it will be hard because she knows that we are working with 4 VERY different schedules.
On a side note, we chose my cousin and his fiance to be L's guardians if something ever happens to us, and I know that will hurt my mom when I tell her (still deciding how to do it), but after last night, I am so confident we made the right decision.
And I know I shouldn't be handling my mom so gently, but she has a habit of guilt-tripping me for EVERYTHING. She gave me a hard time before because she felt like she would be the left-out-grandma because DH is best friends with his own dad... so she will make us feel bad for picking someone other than her to be L's backup guardians, but there isn't even room for him in their house. If they'd kick out my sister, I'd consider having them take him... but for now, I want my kid to be someone's #1 priority.
I'm sorry that your family is causing you so much stress. BUT I think that you are taking an immature route here. If your mom watches/takes care of your sister's children 6 days a week and only has 1 night to herself, it is understandable that she doesn't want to spend that other day taking care of another child regardless of the fact that it is her grandchild. I don't think that she cares for your LO any less than she cares for your sister's kids, she is probably just burnt out. I doubt that she is somehow choosing your sister's family over yours. It sounds like your parents are both stressed from having your sister and kids living with them. Which is understandable. No parent wants to/expects to support not only their grown children but also their children's children. (We have this conversation weekly with my IL's who have a 28 yr. old still living at home)
Not visiting either set of grandparents for the reason you've listed is just childish. "And if my mom doesn't want to babysit, then we won't ask her to again. Ever." This sounds like something an 8 year old would say while stomping their foot. Don't rule out your mom just because she can't/doesn't want to babysit a handful of times. Maybe you could go to your mom's house and help her with the other kids so that you can be spending time with her, giving her a little break, and also letting LO visit his cousins and grandparents.
It seems like most of your vents are about family or other people and how inconsiderate or unfair they are being. And while I agree with some of your reasoning (off the top of my head- your MIL smoking), I honestly think that you are expecting people to change too much just because you have a child now.
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