Am I a bad parent or do we have a normal 3 year old

AnnetteWalker · July 2011

DS has been a real brat this weekend.

He says NO to almost everything. Refuses to eat pretty much everything even Mac and cheese. He will not do anything we ask or tell him.

We have tried giving him choices, yelling, taking away toys, leaving places when he acts up.

We met some other kids about the same age this weekend they played so well together but when it was time to go it was major DRAMA.

DH said this morning "maybe those boys we met are not just similar activity level but maybe their family and US are just bad parents".

So it got me thinking what are we doing wrong.

blueLu25 · July 2011

Isnt three year old attitude fun? Its normal, just keep the doing what your are doing. He is just testing his boundaries and the more consistent you are with your rules/ consequences, the easier it will be for him to feel secure in his world (and act out less).

Mrs.Kiltlifter · July 2011

No you are not a bad parent at all. I think it is combination of the age and lack of effective discipline. My mom's best piece of advice to my husband and I is to always remember that we are raising future teenagers. Three years old are tough. You and your husband need to find a discipline that is effective and is consistent. It takes a ton of work. It is definitely not over night.

tfarabians · July 2011

Youguys are great parents! This is a really tough age! Cruz still cries when we leave from a playdate at the park, or playing with friends. As for the food when he turned 3 our rule was he can either eat what we make or not at all. There have been many many nights that he doesn't really eat dinner because he won't eat it. Funny enough he is starving the next morning for breakfast : ) Skipping a meal won't kill him, don't be a short order cook.

As for the attitude we do time outs whereever we are. Its really embarassing for him to do a time out with other kids around and it usually brings him back to reality real quick. This is just a tough age. Let me tell you 4 is still a tough age! hang in there and just keep doing what your doing!

StellaZ · July 2011

This is my worry - that my mostly sweet little boy will become a 24/7 "testing the boundaries" kid when he turns 2 (or 3)...I'm trying to do a bunch of groundwork now in the hopes of alleviating that, but it will always be a constant work-in-progress.

While it is mostly him (his age, his social mindset) for sure - I don't think keep doing what you're doing is really the best advice. It's not working, and you're not happy. Sounds like you keep trying different methods hoping for the same outcome. He senses this, and is going to keep testing you.

I urge you to research and find ONE method that feels right to both of you - and follow it to a "T". The outcome for bad behavior has be the same EVERY time. He'll eventually get it. Yelling shows him you are not in control. And not stepping in immediately when bad behavior starts tells him he has some leeway....

IdahoGirl · July 2011

StellaZ:

This is my worry - that my mostly sweet little boy will become a 24/7 "testing the boundaries" kid when he turns 2 (or 3)...I'm trying to do a bunch of groundwork now in the hopes of alleviating that, but it will always be a constant work-in-progress.

While it is mostly him (his age, his social mindset) for sure - I don't think keep doing what you're doing is really the best advice. It's not working, and you're not happy. Sounds like you keep trying different methods hoping for the same outcome. He senses this, and is going to keep testing you.

I urge you to research and find ONE method that feels right to both of you - and follow it to a "T". The outcome for bad behavior has be the same EVERY time. He'll eventually get it. Yelling shows him you are not in control. And not stepping in immediately when bad behavior starts tells him he has some leeway....

You're not a bad parent at all! I have this same problem - and this advice sounds spot on.

tfarabians · July 2011

StellaZ:

This is my worry - that my mostly sweet little boy will become a 24/7 "testing the boundaries" kid when he turns 2 (or 3)...I'm trying to do a bunch of groundwork now in the hopes of alleviating that, but it will always be a constant work-in-progress.

While it is mostly him (his age, his social mindset) for sure - I don't think keep doing what you're doing is really the best advice. It's not working, and you're not happy. Sounds like you keep trying different methods hoping for the same outcome. He senses this, and is going to keep testing you.

I urge you to research and find ONE method that feels right to both of you - and follow it to a "T". The outcome for bad behavior has be the same EVERY time. He'll eventually get it. Yelling shows him you are not in control. And not stepping in immediately when bad behavior starts tells him he has some leeway....

I disagree, she said they leave when he acts up places, and take toys away when he acts up at home. The same punishment is not always appropriate, and she never said they don't step in immediately when he starts a bad behavior. What works with an 18 mo old is a whole different ball game when they get to be 3 and 4.

Seattle_JiLLn · July 2011

So when you played iwth the other kids, he was ok too? Just until leaving? Do you give him warnings that you'll be leaving?

I think the correct discipline changes as the child changes. When they're younger, I think time outs work for pretty much everything. Eventually that seems to hold less water for them though. And for Ben now, I reserve time outs for things where a time out seems to make a logical consequence - like he's mad and can't control his anger and hits or spits (!!!!) or does something mean. Then the time out makes sense to me. I do not like to use time outs to embarrass him or to just make him "behave". I'm trying to teach him to behave because it's the right thing to do not because I said so or because he's trying to avoid getting caught. This was a hard transition for me to make.

For things like just not cooperating (which DRIVES ME BANANAS), I have to try really really hard not to yell. I am not always successful. But Ben has started yelling and talking back and I think that's partly because we've yelled too much/often. So anyway, if he won't settle down to get his jammies on, I say that if he keeps screwing around, we will run out of time for books. If he does keep screwing around, I used to say "In the count of 5, you will lose books... and then I count 5,4,3.... " and if I get to 0, no books. He gets so upset. But I get him into his jammies and I explain again - "I know you are sad we can't have books. I am sad too. I love reading books with you. But you made the decision to not listen to me and to keep running around instead of putting on your jammies. Now we're out of time. So we don't have time for books. Tomorrow you can make a better decision."

And then I try to prep him before we get to the bad times...Like "OK it's getting to be bed time. Remember last night when we didn't get books? How did that feel? sad? Yeah, I know. I don't like you to be sad. So what can we do tonight to make sure we'll have enough time for books?"...

I know it seems crazy to talk about it all so much, but I think in general they really just aren't bad kids, they just don't have impulse control and they dont' understand that their actions bring consequences... so they have to learn logical consequences from their actions.

There are definitely times where I have to say "listen Ben, this is not up for debate. This is the rule. You need to do this now, and I am not going to argue about it." And I don't let him argue it. I will walk away if I have to....

One really funny (although awful at the time) consequence that Ben got: He was screwing around not getting dressed. It was the same thing every day. It turned into a mess every single day when we tried to get out of the house. I warned him that if he didn't get dressed, we were leaving in 10 minutes. I didn't care what he had on. ANd I had told him on other days that it would be a good idea to wear pants so his car seat buckle didn't pinch his penis. So on the final straw day, I hauled a naked kid into the car and he FLIPPED OUT screaming about how he didn't want his pee pee pinched.. I graciously allowed him to put underpants on and then I strapped him in and left. He sobbed and cried and I asked him how he was going to feel at little gym wearing only underpants and he was horrified. I was so mean. But seriously, this was the last time he didn't get dressed. I did finally pull over and get him dressed before we went to Little Gym. I'm not *that* mean.

Seattle_JiLLn · July 2011

Ok... if that wasnt' enough. On the eating... if he doesn't eat, he will get hungry. That is the logical consequence to not eating. Do not give him something else. Do not let him eat a snack later. Tell him "this is dinner. You will not be eating anything else before bed. If you don't eat some dinner, I'm afraid you will be hungry. So what do you think you should do?" And let him decide. He might not eat. It will not kill him. When he goes to bed, he might complain he's hungry. Then you say "What a bummer. You can eat a big breakfast in the morning. And maybe tomorrow at dinner you can make a better decision about eating. Good night"....

Nancy_Drew · July 2011

I think you have a normal 3 year old. They don't reason like we do and although we try everything, it just does't sink in for them. I swear they have selective hearing.

You know how A is...crazy at times and sweet at others. It's an ordeal getting her out of any play situation..including daycare! Hang in there! The terrible 2's go well into the 4's I hear...

Sorry we weren't around on Saturday. I think we were home when you first texted, I just didn't look at my phone before we left. (and forgot it to boot!)

StellaZ · July 2011

Just thoughts from years of teaching experience, not just my own child.

Jill - you should teach "Love & Logic" seminars - it's totally everything you just said! Love it.

Seattle_JiLLn · July 2011

StellaZ:
Jill - you should teach "Love & Logic" seminars - it's totally everything you just said! Love it.

I should read some Love and Logic books... Most of this stuff I've learned from the BCC toddler classes we've done. I guess they read them so I don't have to. :P

ChubbyCheekiesMom · July 2011

I just wanted to tell you that your 3 year old sounds perfectly normal. I also wanted to add even if you discipline on a regular basis and are consistent that doesn't mean he won't act like that sometimes. They are learning too, and as much as I get irritated with my almost 3 year old I try to remember that. IMO I think I would be worried if mine didn't do all the things you said yours is doing right now. He isn't a bad kid, and you aren't a bad parent. He is 3. ((hugs))

AnnetteWalker · July 2011

Thank you all for the comments. I will try to use thoses tools. Jill your story about naked in the car seat is so funny.

I think overall we could be more consistant and using the count down usually works for him.

Seattle_JiLLn · July 2011

ChubbyCheekiesMom:
I just wanted to tell you that your 3 year old sounds perfectly normal. I also wanted to add even if you discipline on a regular basis and are consistent that doesn't mean he won't act like that sometimes. They are learning too, and as much as I get irritated with my almost 3 year old I try to remember that. IMO I think I would be worried if mine didn't do all the things you said yours is doing right now. He isn't a bad kid, and you aren't a bad parent. He is 3. ((hugs))

So so true.

It's the kids who act like 100% angels who scare me. They're robots. It makes me wonder what happens behind closed doors... I want my kid to still have his own ability to make decisions. Even if sometimes they're bad ones.

ChubbyCheekiesMom · July 2011

Seattle_JiLLn:
ChubbyCheekiesMom:
I just wanted to tell you that your 3 year old sounds perfectly normal. I also wanted to add even if you discipline on a regular basis and are consistent that doesn't mean he won't act like that sometimes. They are learning too, and as much as I get irritated with my almost 3 year old I try to remember that. IMO I think I would be worried if mine didn't do all the things you said yours is doing right now. He isn't a bad kid, and you aren't a bad parent. He is 3. ((hugs))
So so true.
It's the kids who act like 100% angels who scare me. They're robots. It makes me wonder what happens behind closed doors... I want my kid to still have his own ability to make decisions. Even if sometimes they're bad ones.

Exactly, and I also like other parents to see that my child isn't perfect but to also see that I try my best to deal with it.

m&m823 · July 2011

Are you talking about my kid or yours?

I think (HOPE!) this is normal. Age 3 sucks big time.

KNemo · July 2011

I love this quote because it sums up 3-year old behavior to a tee.

?While a few very laid-back and agreeable preschoolers are happy to go along with whatever their parents want, most young children want what they want, when they want it! A child who is temperamentally persistent, who also feels well loved and well listened to, might well develop an unpleasant habit of stubbornness. But this habit not only makes them less pleasant to be around, it also makes the children less happy. They spend a lot of time fussing and demanding, but aren't satisfied because what they want is the control, rather than the partcular thing they are demanding. The answer to this is for parents to assert control in all areas, except those that they intend their young children to be able to make choices about. Little children can make little choices.?

After teaching 2.5 - 3 year olds for many years, I will maintain forever that there is no such thing as the terrible twos, it is the terrible 3s. Give him choices, give him warnings, give him the chance to feel like he has some control, while still maintaining your control. I totally feel your pain, Annette. You got a lot of really great advice, and yes your little dude is normal. You are not a bad parent. Just try to do some of the things that PPs have already mentioned, try to be as consistent as you can, try to find discipline methods that work for your sanity and your situation, and you will do just fine!

pinktulips · July 2011

Normal!

3 is harder then 2. 4 is when they start to act like human beings.

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