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cjsbdl
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not cut out to be a SAHM? (very long!)
cjsbdl
member
(Apologizing in advance, because this will be long, I'm sure.)
I'm having a really tough time.
When Henry was born the first few months were hard, but things seemed to get easier as time went on. With 2u2, the opposite seems to be true, at least for me. Things just keep getting tougher and tougher, and I'm no longer certain I have the energy/fortitude/patience/etc to handle this.
I'm really struggling with learning how to discipline Henry. He is bright and energetic and, well, two years old...so he is everywhere all at once, into everything, knows exactly which buttons to push with me and spends all.day.long pushing every one of them. He is suddenly very into hitting, he thinks timeouts are fun, he's teething, he's all boy and loves to be outside and do all sorts of fun things I can't do with him right now. He's bored, and I can't really do anything about it because I also have a 5-month old to take care of. I get exhausted just thinking about it all. He's a super-sweet kid, but, he's two--did I say that already? And he acts every ounce of two every single day.
And then there's Eleanor. Sweetest baby ever. World's best newborn sleeper and napper. And then four months hit and it all went to hell in a handbasket. Her naps are 45 minutes max, which means she still takes about four a day, and I feel like I spend all day putting her down for naps (during which H is watching tv, which is a whole other story), only to have her wake up, often, 30 mins later. H was the same way as an infant, so believe me, I know and have tried every nap trick known to man to no avail. She gets more and more miserable as the day goes on and it is simply impossible to keep her up past 6pm. Thank the GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN that after a little sleep training she sleeps about 12 hours a night straight through now.
So, if you're keeping score, I have a toddler who is all toddler. An infant who wno't nap, is a cranky, crying mess by the afternoon and can't be put down. We spend just about every day skating on the edge of chaos and disaster.
I feel trapped and exhausted and isolated and resentful of my husband (who works a lot and travels quite a bit). I have no hobbies, I rarely see my friends and family, my brain is mush (I could give you some very scary examples of things I've done recently which would show you just how foggy my brain is, but I'd be embarassed to admit them), and I am having a very difficult time maintaining my patience on a daily basis. And I often don't. I have yelled at H a couple times recently, and I don't like that. At all.
And I miss work. I had a great career before kids, and I was great at what I did. My job was a little glamorous and I traveled the world. It was exciting. And, while I love my kids more than words can ever express, I am beginning to wonder if I'm really cut out for this particular lifestyle.
I often wonder if they would be better off without me home with them all day long, and I wonder if we would all be better off if we had more quality time together, rather than the quantity of time we have now.
But of course the grass is always greener on the other side. And I have no illusions whatsoever that being a working mom is any easier than this. But it is different, and I wonder if I'd be better at this whole mom thing if I was working. Because I don't really like the mom I am right now, and I don't feel like I'm very good at it, as it turns out.
I don't know what I'm really looking for here. Pity? Sympathy? Empathy? Opinions? Advice? Anyone else been in this situation? Is there anyone on this board who has thrown in the towel on being a SAHM and gone back to work?
Thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: not cut out to be a SAHM? (very long!)
First of all, (((HUGS))). No matter what you do, it is hard. You're a great mom, and I am SURE you are doing the best that you can.
That said, I know for a fact that I am not cut out to be a SAHM. I think SO highly of all SAHMs (and moms who work outside the home, for that matter), but I know that I couldn't do it. I love my job, and I value that time outside of the house and with my colleagues. Mostly, I think I really value what I do. Yes, I miss my girls terribly, and there are days when I know that the nanny gave them more attention than I was able to that day. But, for ME (not speaking for anyone else!), I KNOW that I'm a better mom because I work. I am more patient, and I am definitely more appreciative of our time together. I am also way more organized and on top of things, because I have to be, and because we run on an external schedule, not just one that we create.
Being home for the summer is wonderful, but if DH wasn't also home the majority of the summer as well, I know I would be losing my mind. That being said, I do wish I worked less, and I would love to work PT. Ava's first year, I worked 20 hours a week, and it was just perfect.
Sorry that was super long. I guess my point is that no one thing is right for every mom. You need to find the balance that works best for you. But please. PLEASE don't feel guilty about maybe not loving every second of staying at home.
I am so sorry.. HUGS... it sounds so hard!
Esp because your dh works so much.
Remind yourself that this is a phase. Everything with parenting is a phase, so if you can remember that, it might help keep you sane.
See if you can get a break for a night, or even a day or 2. Ask friends/family if they can rescue you. Take time for yourself if you can.
I can't answer your thoughts on if you should go back to work or not. Only you can answer that.
But one thing I have found incredibally helpful with Brighton is teaching him to be attentive and obedient. First and foremost. You wouldn't believe how many times a day we practice those things.
If he chose or forgot to come the first time I called him. We practice. I give him 5-10 or so times of doing it right. There is tons and tons of praise and he is so happy bc he has done it well. If he didn't stop doing something the first time I asked him to, we practice over and over. you get the idea.
I teach him to sit quietly and patiently while I am preparing food, not asking over and over. It's a great thing to teach any person in life! let a lone a 2 year old
When we are disciplining, he looks at our eyes at all times. Well he's 2 so that means about 15 times I remind him to look at mommy's eyes and I wait to keep speaking until he is looking at my eyes again. But having his eyes are important to know he is hearing and processing.
We also have him say "ok mommy and ok daddy" in response to pretty much everything (he needs lots of reminders). It's his way of saying he has heard and understood and our way of knowing he hears and understands (and agrees). It takes lots of training and patience, which can be hard to do. But i have been training myself to have more self control.
I feel I learned the hard way with S (our first 3 year old) when I lost it too much and yelled too often. Now I am teaching myself to speak calmly and patiently and quietly A LOT. I love michelle duggar, she is such an amazing mother and I love how she speaks to her children. So I literally practice all day long trying to do the same. and you know what? it works! I feel Like my tolerance level is higher when I speak patiently.
I know that raising my voice won't help so in a sense I am teaching Brighton to listen carefully as I speak quietly so he will have to be attentive and not miss instructions.
Anyway, I know those things might feel overwhelming, but it takes a lot of training and disciplining, guidance and practice to raise a child. So see if you can get some breaks and these things might help.
eta I hope I don't sound like a drill sargent lol, all my friends love watching Brighton bc he is the happiest, obedient little boy. When we are practicing, he is happy and it's fun for him, so I hope I don't sound like a crazy person!
First of all HUGS.
Next I want to tell you what they don't tell you in those RE offices. Motherhood is hard! Not just hard but issolating, and frustraiting, it takes each ounce of everything you have everyday and then asks that you make cookies with them. My second little secret is that all of us raise our voices at our kids.
As for the returning to work. I don't know if that is the right choice but you could always try it! At the very least I think you owe it to yourself to get out and do something (no kids or husband) for one hour a week with someone else. It might help with the way you are feeling.
((((HUGS))))) Cause I think you need a second one.
I can tell you with certainty that months 4-7 were really hard on me. My boys wouldn't nap, we had no schedule, I felt like I couldn't go anywhere because of nursing. Additionally, they were out of the sleep on and off all day phase, and in the I want to be held all day phase. I had some really tough days (weeks? months?) in there.
Things have gotten so much easier lately. They take 2 solid naps a day, I can plan outings around them, they are eating solids, so going to lunch is easier (they can sit in a high chair and be happy for 45 min or so.
Today, the kids and I went to the gym, came home for nap (babies), had lunch, played with toys, nap, went for a walk, dinner, bath, bed. Easy, predictable, lets me get out and interact with adults, and gives me some down time.
No way in hell could we have had a day like that even just 2 months ago.
You are in a really tough phase, in my opinion. I do believe things will get easier on you, should you decide to continue staying home.
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I don't really have any advice for you but I am sure I would feel the same way if I stayed home with two kids that are as close in age as yours are.
Garrison sounds similar to Henry and she was the same type of sleeper that E is so I can relate to that extent. I think what you are describing is difficult. But I also think (from my limited experience) that it is a phase and it will pass. Hang in there-- just when you think you've reached your breaking point I bet one of them will do something that makes you remember why you wanted to sah.
And....if not, maybe you could compromise and go back to work part time?
:Hugs: SAH is rough I can't imagine doing it w/ 2.
Have you tried wearing Eleanor? I know when DD was napping badly I'd throw her in the moby and she'd crash for a good hr or more. It made a world of difference. It meant training her to nap in her crib later but it was worth to have a baby who wasn't miserable w/ exhaustion by afternoon.
Even if she doesn't sleep it might give you two hands to do something w/ H and that might help a little w/ him.
Like others said this is a phase and it will pass. I would wait until you have a break before making any decisions, see if you can get a sitter or have your DH take them for a bit and get out (see a movie, eat w/ friends, etc.) so you can think clearly.
Whatever you do as long as mommy is happy the kids will be just fine.
From where I sit - it sounds like you're in a horrible phase - and like any phase - it WILL pass. It will, it will, it will.
Now I want to know what your glamorous, travel around the world job was!
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
Thanks, everyone, for the kinds words, thoughts and advice.
Henry does go to MDO twice a week for five hours, and that does help, but it also causes a bit of extra stress since E will not nap on the go, so it can really throw her off for the whole day. I have enlisted MIL's help with drop-off and pick-up starting this week, so hopefully that will help.
Wearing her more often is a good idea. I wear her a lot when we're out, but I always forget that as an option when we're home. I don't think she'll nap that way, but it will cut down on the constant crying in the afternoons.
Part-time work is definitely an option, if I could work out childcare. I agree with some of you that this would be the best of both worlds. It's not that I want to simply be away from my kids all day, but I just want to have quality time with them and quality time doing something else which enriches my life as well!
it sounds like what you are going through is extremely difficult. i know there are lots of mommies who feel that working part- or full-time is right for them-- that being home full time is very stressful, they feel isolated and that they have lost their sense of self. i know many mommies who work full time and really treasure and enjoy the time they do have at home.
i work part-time, and that works for me. i am pretty sure i would be happy as a sahm, but i need to work, and it is nice to get myself dressed 3 days a week and interact with adults about topics other than toddlers.
could you work part-time? look for something that would get you out of the house and give you some relief? or would you be happy just hiring help so that you can get some time to yourself?
regardless, it is important that you recognize that what's happening right now isn't working for you-- and hopefully your husband will support you in taking steps to getting you feeling better.
I felt like this a lot the first 2 years of DS's life. I still feel like this sometimes...and by sometimes I mean atleast every week! I also wonder if I should be a SAHM. Im excited for # 2 , but terrfied for all the reasons you listed. DS is an active boy and does a lot of the things your 2yo does. I honestly dont recall being so emotional and stressed prior to having kids. lol.. Its just my personality to get like this...and then add on a child that can hit and be defiant and Im left feeling totally exhausted and needing a big break.
Im gonna say how you are feeling is normal. Maybe its PPD, maybe its just that the responsibility of being a parent ALL the time is rough for some. There is nothing wrong with feeling like this. Maybe working would bring you that 'break' you mentally and physically need. Even though working is hard...its so so different than satying at home.
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I did public relations for a company that is heavily involved in auto racing. It was a blast, but I quit after we got married and I just wanted to stay closer to home.
I promise you, having help with MDO drop-off and pick-up will change your life.
My grandmother sits at the house with the boys when I pick Paige up, because it is right in their naptime. I couldn't do MDO if it wasn't for that - the boys wouldn't get an afternoon nap! Everything would be all messed up.
I work part time and usually that is perfect for me. I get to go off and use my brain in a different way, have some me time during my commute, and everyone is happy to see me when I get home.
But honestly, I can totally see where you are coming from. The 2s are SOOO hard. Some days DS can be so sweet and nice, and other days (like today) he pushes all of my buttons and I end up yelling (and feeling bad about it). I don't have the 5 month old that won't nap, but I do have a 13 month old that has recently become mobile and is into everything...including DS's toys which causes lots of fighting and hitting. Tonight I was counting down the hours until bed time.
Is there any way you could go back part time? I really think it works for all of us in my family that I am part time.
If it makes you feel any better, i don't think I am a great SAHM either - but I wonder if that has to do with having 2 under 2 for both of us. My sister has a 6 year old and a 2 year old and she does all sorts of things with them (crafts, activites) that i just can't do. I felt guilty that I didnt do much so I tried a craft with both of mine - DD tried to eat everything and DS got bored that I couldn't help him as much as he needed (since I was trying to keep DD from eating everything) and threw his on the ground. Most days we just try to go to the playground so DS can get some energy out and be tired for his nap!
Sorry for the long reply - no real advice for you but I do understand!
I will also admit I'm not sure I could be a SAHM. Right now I work 32 hours/wk, ideally I'd like to work 24hrs/wk. I currently work M-Th. It works for us though. I like being off on Friday's, I try to do something fun (usually the zoo, lately sprayground) but of course I only have one for now.
DH had been laid off until January, he got called back half time so he works Fri-Mon night shift, every other weekend. Then he took off Feb-June for 2 surgeries that he needed. During a lot of the last year DH has essentially been a SAHD, and it has been tough for him but he's really grown into it. Now that DH is back to work, I'm 1 on 1 the entire weekends that he works, this weekend was one of those. I found myself staying at work a little longer today after I was finished with my schedule for the day (and therefore free to go) to get a little "me" time, where I would normally run out the door.
I guess that shows that I might not be able to cut it as a SAHM, 3 days in a row is too much for me. In an attempt to give DH a break through the week I wanted to find a pre-school/MDO program for DS 2-3 days a week. He also needed some interaction with kids his own age.
I couldn't find anything 2-3 days but I did find a private christian school that has a 2 year old pre-school program, it's 5 days a week 8:15-11:45. I'm nervous to send my "little" boy but I think it will be great for him, and I think he will really thrive in a structured learning environment.
My recommendation is to try and find something that DS can do (pre-school/MDO) where he can get some energy out and be stimulated to learn. 2 year olds are hard, and I can't imagine adding a baby to mix. Don't feel guilty, you're doing the best you can. I also don't think it would be bad to consider going back to work, especially if part-time is an option.
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I am scared of 2 under 2. I just am...but I know in my heart of hearts that I am not cut out to work full time. I work at MOST two days a week (and some weeks I don't work at all), but I am pretty miserable these days. I hate working, and honestly, I'm not sure why I don't quit. I guess because it is the perfect (easy) job for me, and the hours are so few that it makes no sense to give it up. Caroline spends about two days a week with her grandparents, and I was sitting at home with nothing to do and missing my kid.
I will say, in regards to your situation, that the crappy catnapping doesn't last forever. Caroline was catnapper, and it made life HARD AS HELL. When she finally started napping longer, it was golden.
Honestly, if it were me, I try to work on her napping. Maybe cut her from 4 to 2 naps and see what happens? The transition days are hellish, but they don't last long.
(((hugs)))
I work part-time in a school, so I am home for the summer. DD goes to daycare 1 day/week, but I was just talking to a friend about how I am now sure that I'm not cut out to be a SAHM. It's rough. I've been trying to keep her occupied without using too much tv, and I'm exhausted! She is also 2 and we are experiencing everything that comes along with that, which makes it even harder. I know that it's all normal toddler stuff, but sometimes I just run out of patience (which makes me feel horrible!) I always thought I'd be a great SAHM but clearly I was wrong.
For me, working 3 days/week is perfect. We do a class together one day/week in the fall/winter which is nice too. That might be something you could look into. I'm not sure if you've joined a moms group, but that's another option. Keeping DD busy helps both of us, that's for sure!
There are days (especially this summer) that I get jealous of DH when he's at work. Being a mom is a tough job, especially when you don't get a break at all!!
Yeah, there are no crafts going on in our house. I'm doing good if I remember to feed the kids at an appropriate time. lol
I do look forward to the day when I can take them to the playground. Right now with the nap issue it's just not possible to get out long enough.
Hang in there! You are a great Mom and it sounds like you are doing the best you can. And the best of you is so much better than anything else they could be getting!
But... if you have an itch to be back in the working world, pursue it. Could you even find the same job? Could you do it part time? If it is a real possibility look into it. Then when you have two real options (or more) then have a heart to heart with you DH and think/pray/talk about it.
Even if choosing to go back to work ends up a reality, you will always have this time. You will remember these special days. You have all been blessed to share in this time.
*hugs*
Believe me, I'm spending lots of time doing anything and everything I can think of to remedy the nap situation. She just can't make it long enough to cut down to two a day. My experience with Henry taught me it's something they just have to outgrow...he became a good napper when he dropped to one nap around 12 months.
There were so many times when I really felt that I was not cut out to be a SAHM when Jacob was at his worst - reflux so terrible that he wouldn't take a bottle (and he was bottle fed) and horrible napping. I really wanted to go back to work just so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.
But then I remembered the BFing mantra - don't quit on a bad day. I thought long and hard about what about my life was bothering me. Did I just want to go back to work to get away from Jacob (a terrible thought, but one that I admittedly had)? Or did I really want to go back because I wanted to go back?
I also just thought about the logistics of going back to work. Everything would still fall on my shoulders (home care, child care, etc.), but I would be working on top of that. DH works long hours and feel like sometimes I'm the only parent that Jacob has on a regular basis. For me, the logistics of working and parenting are mind-numbing and not something that I was willing to take on.
Jacob and I got into a good stride and things got better. Things are going really well since then - and of course I'm going to go and introduce a new baby hopefully next year.
What I'm trying to say is that not everyone is cut out to be at home, but also to remember that this too shall pass. Eventually you'll have a 1 year old and a 2.5 year old. They will be sleeping, eating and acting better. How will you feel then about being back to work?
I'm really not trying to sway you either way, but just to let you know that I had the same thoughts and came to the conclusion that I was willing to go through the really tough period to be in a good place with him.
I think it's mostly H's age, and most of these issues will pass with time, although I know in the moment it feels like it will be never ending.
I do think that not everyone is better off as a SAHM and if you miss work and loved what you did maybe it is something that you should consider getting back in to.
I don't consider myself to be a "real" SAHM of multiple children because my DS goes to school M-F 8:30-3 (which is awesome, we all love it) and DD will start 8:30-11:30 in the fall and I may move her to full day in the spring if we can get a spot. I really don't know how some of my friends with 2, 3 or 4 at home all day do it. Especially so close in age.
I remember when DD was around 7 mos or so and life became impossible with DS not cooperating with naps and waking DD up. That's when I called his school (he was only going until 11:30 at the time) and got him in a couple days a week for the afternoons. He was much happier as was I.
I hope things get easier for you soon.
100% agreed with all of this. All of us have different things that make us the best moms possible and for me, it's working (hence my terror at handling the 2 alone all day, every day for 3-4 months), even though I want to stay home full time with my little one while she's an infant at least.
That being said, I don't think any of what you wrote means that you're not cut out to SAHM. You're going through a rough patch and that's bound to make you questions whether you're doing the right thing. I'm hoping things improve soon!
Don't feel like you are throwing in the towel. Either job is hard. The grass is greener as it being a working mom is hard too, but either way it sounds like yu need a break.
You can always change your mind if youdon't want to stay at home anymore - that is SOOOO fine or you can just get a break and see if it is just a phase.
I will tell you that it is hard now that DD is almost 1 as she wants to practice walking/cruising/crawling and that is hard to do in my backyard where DS wants to be.
I've been both, the working Mom, and the SAHM. Both are hard in their own unique ways.
I don't know how those with 2 do it. I do great with one 2 year old. But life is such that my entire schedule can revolve around her. Add an infant, and I'd probably go insane.
I don't have any advice, except to say hang in there.
I think I understand where you are coming from. Having 2U2 is HARD, and I think everyone in our situation has wondered whether they are cut out for this or if they are even doing a decent job. I know I have, and I am still in the newborn, sleep on and off all day phase. I have no idea how I will handle it when he starts needing more interaction. I hope tomorrow is a better day, and things start looking up for you soon. (((HUGS)))
I agree with the others about possibly looking into going back to work, just to see how it makes you feel. But a pp made a very good point about how you will feel if you do go back to work and then this phase passes. I also like the comparison to BF, and not quitting on a bad day. Good luck and please let us know what you decide to do.
Well, you have all my sympathy and I feel like I am right there with you. My son is a little older, but, he's three. I'm not gonna lie, 3 is so much worse than 2. I am just praying that it all turns around by 4. And if so maybe I ought to have have a countdown ticker instead...
Anyway, it is really hard. I feel bad for the baby because his babyhood isn't peacful like his brother's was. Instead I am yelling at and disciplining DS1 all ding dong day. I don't know how many times I need to repeat that you can't step on your brother. I don't know how many times I can send him to his room for quite time. And with a baby who isn't a great napper, although he is improving somewhat, I can't really take the toddler out all the time to run him down. The horrible downside of having them share a room is that he can't play with his toys when the baby is napping and so I let him watch tv instead. I'm convinced I'm not doing it right. I really need new creative ways to keep him occupied/discipline him.
But the one thing that keeps me going is the fact that I don't have to go to work. I don't have to be anywhere at any specific time. It doesn't matter what time I get to the grocery store, so if he fights me for an hour and a half about getting out of his pajammas so we can go for a walk and then the baby blows out his diaper at the last minute it's no problem. The groceries aren't going anywhere. I don't have to pay extra for late pick up. The only way I can be as patient as I am is because there is no schedule I am beholden to. If I had to get them up, fed, dressed, driven to and dropped off so I could go to work on top of it all I would be a horrible, nasty, mean rotten person. God bless working moms, I sure as heck couldn't do it.
It's not easy. I just make people tell me that the teen years are so much easier than 3. Even if it's not true, that's what I need to hear.
Being a SAHM is hard and often isolating and boring while being exhausting at the same time.
I recently read an aricle that talked about the cycles kids go through and it really helped. It basically said that every 6 months, kids go into a phase of upheaval. It is during that time that they are learning new things and growing. Once they have those things figured out, the have a period of relative calm, contentness. Of course, I cant find it to show it to you but I got it from the class that DS and I took last year (preschool but parents attend). If you're interested, she has a bunch of other great articles on her facebook page. Search Creative Parenting and then go to the notes page.
-----Lisa-----
but I don't think you can make a "wrong" choice here. What often helps me is knowing that no choice is ever permanent. Good luck! And may you learn the secret trick to a serene happy home in time to offer me advice next summer.
Because we're fancy like that.
I'm so sorry you're at this spot. It sounds like you're exhausted, emotionally and physically. First of all, it sounds like you need some help.
Secondly, there's nothing wrong about wanting to go back to work. I think I'm a better mom because I work...for all the reasons that you stated. I would lose my mind if I were at home all day following M around the house, telling her "no" for the one thousandth time when she goes to touch the TV or oven...she is also not a napper, so it's all day, all the time.
At work I use my mind in a different way...I have time to sit down, have a cup of coffee, and answer my emails (just that little bit of time works wonders). It's hard to have a demanding job and be a mom, don't get my wrong, but being at work is a different kind of work. At day care, she's occupied all day with activities and other kids. We're both happy and both better off for it. I agree with you about the quality time...when I'm with her, 90% of the time I'm in a good mental place rather than being at my wit's end.
That is just my situation. There are plenty of people who gave me the side-eye when I went back to work when she was 6 weeks old, but it works for me and for her. I'll always be her parent, but I don't have to be the only one who cares for her.
i definitely think that some people are not cut out to be SAHMs--and of course there are others that aren't cut out to be WMs. everyone is different, and you know what's right for yourself. and i really believe the saying, "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." from what you said in your post, i think you are right to consider going back to work.
i am a WM and it is tough. i miss my baby a lot. but i am confident that i am doing what is right for him. i think he benefits from having other caregivers in his life (nanny so far, daycare providers in the fall) and i think the socialization at daycare is great for toddlers. i am not an early childhood education specialist--his other caregivers are. i think he benefits from having all of us in his life. and i know that he is bonded to me in spite of the fact that i am not with him a lot of the time.
there are pros and cons of both, and the bottom line is that none of us can tell you what is right for you--only you know. but one vote here that kids can be very happy and fulfilled with both parents working, so please don't feel like you have to be a SAHM to be a good mom.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone - I could have written most of this post word for word about my life! Hang in there (that's waht I"m trying to do!)