- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Success after IF
schmoodle
member
Tell me I'm making the right decision re: childcare...(very long)
schmoodle
member
(Unless, of course, you don't think I am...)
We just recently started our nanny search for someone to start part time in September, when Toodle's daycare ends, and then transition to full time when I go back to work. Except I don't go back to work until at least November, maybe as late as Jan. 1 (haven't decided exact date yet). I'd just always planned to hire someone right away for several reasons: (1) Toodle wouldn't have 2 transitions, one from daycare to full time with mommy, and then another from mommy to nanny, but rather one from daycare to mommy/nanny that would eventually become just nanny (2) I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to care full time for a toddler and newborn 5 days a week and keep them entertained and enriched or ever manage to leave the house. It's so overwhelming (one of many reasons I'm not a SAHM), and (3) I don't have to worry about cutting timing too close to find someone before I come back to work and having to push my start date back.
But now that we've started getting into the process I'm reconsidering and I think we may hold off on the nanny until closer to when I go back to work (maybe a month beforehand instead of several months, so I can see her in action, make sure it works, and ease the transition). Part of what made me reconsider was being home with Toodle here being watched my his grandma while he was out of daycare - he just wanted to spend time with me, not her, and I felt awful and it would be even worse if it was some stranger and not grandma. Not to mention the $ we can save by waiting a couple months. Also, so far at least, Boodle is a much easier baby than Toodle was (knock on wood - I can actually put her down occasionally) so thinking maybe it would be better than I imagined.
But Toodle is an EXTREMELY high maintenance toddler which still worries me about handling both. It is almost a certainty that he will be permanently done with naps if I am on my own with them because there's just no way to get him to sleep without leaving her unattended for at least 30-45 minutes which is not likely to be easy to do. I'll also almost certainly have to stop pumping after feeds which means my supply will probably dry up because even after numerous trips to the LC Boodle just can't nurse correctly so teh only thing keeping my measly supply is pumping. And I don't know how to take them places (parks, etc.) and be able to simultaneously monitor Toodle so he's safe/doesn't terrorize other kids while also making sure she isn't kidnapped b/c I have to leave her unattended to deal with him. Seriously, I guess I just suck as a mom b/c I know most parents do this but I can't fathom how.
And then of course I get to go back to all the great candidates I've been in touch with and tell them never mind (at least for now), which sucks too, especially because I worry about finding the right person and what if one of these is that person and I don't find someone as good in the fall? I highly doubt anyone available now won't be employed by then. And I worry about finding people so close to the holidays.
So...what would you do? It's ridiculous to hire a nanny (even part time) when I'm home, right (aside from the money aspect, as we can afford it, but it would be nice not to spend the extra $)?
*** It's funny because I'm fat ***
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tell me I'm making the right decision re: childcare...(very long)
I personally would stick to your original plan hire the nanny in the fall. Is there a possibility of you getting out of the house (to grandma's, etc) for a couple days a week so he will have some 1/1 time with the nanny? This way, he'll slowly get used to the idea of mama "leaving him behind".
Also, are you ruling out having Boodles joining Toodles at DC?
4 Fresh IVF cycles + 1 FET where embies didn't survive the thaw = 2 perfect little men!
sFET 11/9/11 - Beta 11/18 BFP!
This!
Also, I think you are being hard on yourself. That transition from one to two was really hard for me. It is a logistic thing when trying to get out of the house, ect. It will get easier with time, and you will just do it! Hang in there. I see nothing wrong with having help a couple of days a week, or holding off. Whichever works best for you will be fine. Yes, he may have a time of it adjusting to childcare changes, but nothing that will scar him for life!
I think you are making the right decision. We had a similar situation, in that we hired a nanny after DD was born. DS had been being cared for by my father 2 days a week, but we were worried about him handling 2, and wanted someone who would take them places, playdates, etc. Our nanny's first day was my first day back to work.
I have already told you that you are amazing, keeping up that pumping/feeding schedule for Boodle, so I am not sure any of my 2u2 getting out of the house advice will help you. My DD was so chill (and still is), and was perfectly happy hanging out in the Baby Bjorn or Moby. I would get her out of the car first, put her in the Bjorn, then go around to DS's side. Either carry him or let him walk into the playground, and I could follow him around and help him out. Honestly, it is harder now, with DD not walking but wanting to crawl around and eat wood chips, and trying to watch them both.
Good luck! I think you can do it with 2u2 - it is hard, but once you get out of the house a few times, it seems easier to take them out than stay home!!
If it were me, I would probably hold off on hiring the nanny too. I would say that starting someone even two weeks before you go back would be plenty of time. I think I'd go crazy because not only will I be interacting with both kids, but I, for one, would constantly be nit-picking (in my head) everything the nanny was doing. Too much stress for me!
Would it be possible to hire a mother's helper a few days a week until then? Maybe a college student or have a high school student come over after school? It wouldn't cost as much, but might provide an extra hand if you wanted to go to a park or something.
Also, do you think you would be comfortable wearing Boodle in something like a Moby wrap? When I think about having another baby and a two-year-old (and two dogs) in the house by myself, that's the only way I can imagine it working! There is a learning curve, but once I figured it out, it made my life so much easier.
Child care is such a huge issue to deal with...I hope that you're able to settle on a decision that you're comfortable with.
TTC since 11/05...ectopic pg 4/08...early m/c 6/09...BFP 10/5/09!
Nora B...June 15, 2010...8lbs, 8oz...Med-free birth!
TTC #2 since 7/11...cycle #3 of Clomid + IUI = BFP
Malcolm...September 21, 2012...8lbs, 6oz...Another med-free birth!
What are your thoughts on going back to work a little earlier? I'm not sure what your reasons are for determining your length of leave, and I ask because, on one hand, the time alone at home with your LOs could be an awesome opportunity. . . on the other, it could be kind of difficult since it wouldn't be permanent.
In my opinion, a shorter (3 months) leave has worked well for me, because that's just about the time I start feeling tempted to "settle in", if that makes sense. If it were any longer I'd feel more pressured to get into a routine, be more structured, and kind of "play" SAHM, if you will. I'd rather not have those opportunities when it's just temporary. Because, seriously, it's work to SAH! There'd be a huge learning curve and I don't think I'd want to go through the learning pains if it weren't for a reason. (i.e. if I were SAH more long term.)
Sorry, as I know the above is probably really just unsolicited advice and not in direct response to your question
I guess it just came to mind because, while I definitely "get" what you're saying, I also think that it might more more trouble than it's worth to have them both at home by yourself for a while if that's not the plan long term. Since it would also probably stress me out to have to interact with a nanny while home on leave 
(I like having my house to myself), the above came to mind.
I haven't read other people's responses, but I think it's better to start looking sooner rather than later, honestly. I was a nanny before having Jake and luckily, I found an amazing family who I just clicked with. They had an 18 month old and a newborn (I started when she was 3 weeks old) and I did some short days with the mom to start off with. The 18mo was VERY attached to mom, so I just really helped out with the newborn in the beginning. Slowly, the mom would start leaving the house for a few hours and I'd stay with their toddler (she'd take the newborn usually) and it was ROUGH in the beginning. Toddler had a VERY hard time but his mom wanted to make sure he was completely comfortable with me before she had to go back to work. It was rough on me too in the beginning...dealing with a crying 18mo was extremely hard especially when he was inconsolable. But since she still wasn't back at work, she would only leave for an hour or two- much better for her because she would comment on how hard it would be if she were away from him for 10-12 hours a day and he was upset. It took about 6 weeks to get him completely comfortable with me. He'd never been in a daycare, school or had any babysitter other than grandparents. It was also a nice time for the mom and I to get to know each other as well. We ended up being very close and still talk often.
I nannied for them for a couple years and she knew I was going through IF treatments to conceive Jake (they also had IF issues). Once I got pregnant, I told her right away and we agreed to not discuss the future until I was out of the first tri. Once things were going well with Jake (I was due in July) she started looking in March. It took her a WHILE to find the right fit. She had a few people come and go...do a trial day here or there with her, but it took her about 3 months to find someone that she and the kids felt comfortable with. I ended about a month before having Jake and the new girl was able to start about a week and a half before I ended to get into the groove (so she was double paying for almost 2 weeks).
Anyway, all this to say, I think you'd want to feel completely comfortable leaving both kids once you go back to work. I think the longer you have, the better...but that's just my opinion. Good luck!!!
I have no experience with two but was going to agree with Jillrock until I saw your response.
I also agree with babywearing in order to allow you to do more with toodle.
As for the nanny situation, I think I would stick to your plan and hire. I think it will give you time to see how you all adjust to her and it will also give you time for yourself. You can also leave toodle to see how it goes.
Sounds like an awful lot to deal with but seems like you are doing a great job at thinking everything through. Good luck with you decision. Sorry I can't be of much help.
Btw- Was toddle in Montessori? I ask because I am considering enrolling DD this fall for 2 days but I am afraid of starting her in the program and then if it doesn't work out I have to take her out. Is that what you are doing with toodle? We have a great sitter right now but DD seems so ready for school. I would hate to start her in a program only to take her out (its a bit of a commute, so it may not work for us)...sorry to bug you in this post..thanks
You have good points, but my paid leave is through late October regardless and I wouldn't give that up, plus I'm not really comfortable leaving my infant in care of anyone other than myself until she's mostly out of SIDS high risk age (so close to 6 months) and want to continue nursing (or trying to) as long as possible which was very difficult with Toodle once I went back to work because I could only pump once or twice a day. Also, I was home with Toodle until 5.5 months and loved it and want to do the same for Boodle.
Yes, he's in a Montessori school for his daycare. We LOVE it. Honestly, we're heartbroken about taking him out but the commute was just killing us. Even as bad as it is, after posting this I am wondering if we made the right decision and if we should see if there's any way to keep him there and send Boodle after all and just deal with the commute another year. I don't know that they all have as strict enrollment/contract requirements as ours, if that's why you're concerned about having to take her out. Good luck!
I understand completely (all your points) and am jealous of the awesome paid leave! No way in the world would I give that up either. As someone without it, that didn't even enter into my thought process.
GL whatever you decide - it's so hard!
first and foremost: i'm sure that there's no "wrong" decision here and you will make it work well for you and the LOs either way.
FWIW, my opinion is that i like your original idea of starting a nanny part-time sooner. i agree with the disadvantages that you stated, but it sounds like you will be able to relax and enjoy your LOs more if you have a little help. and i think fall is the easiest time to find a good nanny--it seems like all childcare transitions happen in the fall.
good luck with whatever you decide--you will make it work!
I would hire a nanny now. That way you two can work together as a team in taking care of both children. You'll be able to get out of the house and keep the kids entertained and have the luxury of being able to spend individual time with each child.
After I had my second child my sister, who is also our sitter, started coming to my house everyday and she'd watch Shannon and Quinn for a while in the mornings while I worked from home and then we'd all go out and do something fun in the later morning and early afternoon before naptime. It was wonderful to have someone right there to help not just with the kids but around the house and to be able to get out of the house. We plan on doing the same after I have this baby. Yes, I would save a ton of money by not doing this but my sanity is worth every penny.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
I haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if this is repeating:
First - you are being way hard on yourself. Transitioning to additional children is tough on everyone. You are all trying to find your way. I didn't take my kids out alone for quite some time, and I (not bragging, just truthful) consider myself to be excellent at juggling multiple children. It will get easier on you in time. I promise. Everything will.
Second - do you have mother's day out where you live? That has been my lifesavor. I loved having the time to be alone with the babies, get Paige the interaction and enrichment she needed, and break up everyone's day.
And about the nanny thing - this is just me - but I would hire one sooner rather than later. But you are talking to a full-time SAHM who has a nanny 2 days a week, sends her child to MDO, and paid night nurses to come for the first 8 weeks. I believe in hiring people to make my life easier. It is just too stressful on me to be alone with 3 kids all the time.
Yeah, 9-11 wouldn't benefit you that much. Paige goes from 9:30-2:30, so it gives me a nice long time with the babies and it is worth packing the car up and getting there twice a day.
And that is just crazy to expect a 2 year old to be fully potty trained. I know some are, but most are not.
I'm sure everyone has given wiser advice than I can, but my 2 cents - I worked as a nanny for a mom that worked at home. Granted, she had her home office set up downstairs in her basement, and the kids were forbidden to go down there during her working hours, but she did come up for breaks, etc. From what I recall, there was always a drama period when she "left" for work, and again when she came up quick, etc. It was almost HARDER on the kids having someone else care for them when they knew darn right momma was right downstairs. Kids were age 5-11, but whatevs.
Another though I had was if you find someone that month prior to going back, and you don't like them/they quit/etc then are you screwed for time in finding Nanny #2?
And lastly, honey, I love ya. And I GET ya. And I am not picking on you one darn bit. What I would like to say is this: You are a better mother than you give yourself credit for. TONS of moms stay home with their kids, and TONS of moms take both an infant and a toddler out to the park, etc. YOU CAN DO IT. Stop selling yourself short and think that you can't do this stuff. I also think that with the right structure, J doesn't have to be a high-maintenance kid. Does his daycare say that about him? I don't know what the right solution is for your family, but having an in-home nanny just seems like such a HEADACHE to me. Depending on them, having them be loyal, on time, fit well with the kids/family.... it's just so many planets to align.
GL with your mission!
Actually his daycare providers have acknowledged at times that he can be higher maintenance than typical. He's not special needs or anything (to our knowledge), he can just be a handful, more than some (but not all) other toddlers, structure or not. Especially when it comes to sleep. And headache or not, we WILL have to hire an in-home nanny at some point regardless, whether that be in September or November/December. But perhaps it will be easier when I'm almost ready to go back to work.
Because we're fancy like that.
I skimmed so I don't think I'm really word for word repeating but in theme, I'm repeating. Good nannies that fit with you and your family are hard to find. It would be worth it to me, were we going to hire a nanny, to hire her before I needed her to be sure I had her. It may just be around here but in D/FW nannies are closely held and closely guarded. So if you have a line on someone you'd like to try, I'd not give that up just for my own sanity. You can figure out the details later but if she's really good and you like her, chances are someone else will too and you might start back at ground zero whenever you decide to hire someone.
As for the other, well, I totally hear you on how overwhelming toddlers can be. A is a handful right now. So much so that while I love her to pieces I'm excited to come to the hellhole that is work right now and am looking at a 200 hour month because honestly it's easier being here. So, I know you know what I mean and I think we understand eachother. It's hard. So I get being overwhelmed by this whole balancing a NB and a toddler. Even never having gone through it I can see that it's probably wearing on you and making you less confident than you are normally. So, I think this is actually another reason to go ahead and get that nanny earlier. Partially because as Nicole said already you can really integrate her slowly into your lives, and Toodle will hopefully adjust over time. But also, you can make sure that Boodle has a nearly seamless transition from you to another care provider during the day and it can all be done basically in your presence so you can be 100% comfortable, or as close as possible.
I think you probably can overthink this decision though so in the end, if you decide to wait until December to hire someone I wouldn't waste another minute worrying that you let all the good ones get away. You will find the right nanny for you, now or later, the person you pick will be the right person.
I would hire the nanny sooner than later (early Sept, maybe?) and try to maximize her time as much as possible to help you out. Some examples off the top of my head - have her plan to take Toodle out "x" number of days that she is there to give you some downtime with Boodle and vice versa - her stay home with Boodle for a few hours while you and Toodle do something out of the house together and finally - have her stay alone with both kids so you can run errands, get a massage, etc...without having to juggle 2. Of course, there will be days that you can do a bigger, more involved outing all together too.
If you did a day of each of those things, half a week would easily be filled and give you a break and her a chance to have good quality hands on/training with each of the kiddos. I think I would start her part time and work up to her taking over more and more full time. What would be most helpful to you? Help 1/2 a day everyday or all day a few time per week?
Do you plan on having her take on some of the cooking/cleaning/laundry? That would be such a huge help to me and take a lot of the pressure off.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Not easy decisions to make, but you are doing an awesome job! Let us know what you decide!
I'm in the hire-the-nanny-now camp. Taking care of an infant and a toddler alone is tough, tough, tough (see my post above), so if you can afford help, TAKE IT. And I agree it would be good to transition her in slowly. I get not wanting someone else in your home, but remember that the person you are hiring will, presumably, be a trained childcare provider, so I think it will be different than having your mom or MIL in your house trying to help care for Toodle. Your nanny will know how to build a relationship with him even with you there. And having her there will enable you to spend some quality time with Boodle, which is priceless.
That's what I would do, anyway.
Good luck with your decision!
Is toodle out of daycare now? Hmm, I would wait to hire someone where you aren't there. Don't feel bad. DD is almost a year and I can't do anything with both of them either. DS is an extremely high maintenance child as well which makes for me not being able to handle either on my own - ever - well out in public. AT home, no problem ---of course after awhile. I hired a babysitter every weekend for almost a year.
for him, not her.
You will find someone just as good later on - but maybe not around the holidays do it earlier.