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My dad drank the kool-aide

Luv4MinnesotaLuv4Minnesota member
in VBAC

Yesterday I was talking with my dad.  We are not close and we don't talk often.  He was asking how I was feeling and I was telling him about hiring a doula and all of the things I am doing to get ready for my VBAC.

His response, "It doesn't make you any less of a woman to have another c-section.  Some women just aren't built that way." 

I was livid!  He knows how passionate I am about VBAC.  He knows what a horrible birth experience and recovery I had.  He knows how much it means to me to be able to have a "normal" birth and recovery this time.  I realize he was probably attempting to make me feel OK about if things don't work out, but I'm not going to think about that now.  I have to think positive and am not allowing anyone or anything to tell me it might now work. 

I told DH he can call him when DS is born because I'm not talking to him again before that. 

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Re: My dad drank the kool-aide

  • MAprincessMAprincess member

    What always made me angry was that your father's response just illustrates what many people think is the only reason people have VACs.  Yes, part of me wanted to prove I could do it, etc. But I never thought a c/s made me less of a woman.  My primary reaon is that it was the safer option for me and that I had a less than perfect c/s recovery.  Why have major surgery if I don't HAVE to have it?  Why do people make it a selfish thing?  It is the regular way to do it- so why do people feel the need to comment on it??

    I'd be angry too.  People should learn to be supportive or keep their mouths shut.  I don't hound on anyone for how they give birth.  And I think your father (at best) was really misguided with his comment and should offer an apology. 

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  • cchill01cchill01 member
    I'd say maybe cut him a little slack.  I do think he was attempting to be supportive, in case things don't go your way.  Men don't really get it, because there's not really anything they can compare it to.  If he is stressing you out though, then by all means ignore him.  But I suspect the stress of making excuses not to talk to him will be worse.  Maybe you could explain to him that you'd really rather not talk about the birth at all.
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  • Luv4MinnesotaLuv4Minnesota member

    imagecchill01:
    I'd say maybe cut him a little slack.  I do think he was attempting to be supportive, in case things don't go your way.  Men don't really get it, because there's not really anything they can compare it to.  If he is stressing you out though, then by all means ignore him.  But I suspect the stress of making excuses not to talk to him will be worse.  Maybe you could explain to him that you'd really rather not talk about the birth at all.

    That shouldn't be a problem.  We usually only talk 1x/month or so...so not calling him for 6 weeks won't be out of the ordinary for me. 

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  • iris427iris427 member

    I'm really small and after my c/s my dad made a bunch of comments to the effect of "A c/s was a forgone conclusion, everyone knew that but you."   And even though he knew I was planning a VBAC, when I called and told him I'd had the baby, he said "c-section, right?"  

    I think some people don't know the best way to be supportive, but they mean well.  My mom told me not to be disappointed if I had another c/s.  It irked me but I know it was her way of trying to protect me from feeling bad if the VBAC didn't work out.  I tried not to take other people's negativity to heart, although I know it can hit a nerve sometimes.

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  • TreasaTreasa

    He probably thought he was being supportive & got it totally wrong!  All he needed to do was listen.  My mother & MIL have made similar comments & of course I am tired of the "well so long as the baby is healthy, who cares how he gets here"!  Talk about stating the obvious! 

    However I don't share so much with people anymore about my VBAC plans after some comments a good friend of mine made when I told her what I was thinking.  She said "Why not make it easy for yourself? What do you feel you have to prove & why do you worry so much about people think of you?" & finally what pushed me over the edge - "Why be a martyr when you can just schedule your c-sec & not think about it anymore?"  Nice!  That was the last time I spoke to her about any aspect of my pregnancy!

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  • kcvasquezkcvasquez member

    I would also cut your dad a little slack, there are a lot of people out there who don't understand the need or want for a woman to have a vaginal birth. And they may not realize their comments actually hurt. I wouldn't surround myself with people who aren't supportive of what I want (within reason) but he is your dad...

    That being said I think you should also be careful of calling a vaginal birth "normal." By saying that you are implying that having a c-section is abnormal which has a negative correlation. Saying you want a vaginal birth is the term that should be used to not make people, or yourself feel bad about having had a baby another way. 

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  • Luv4MinnesotaLuv4Minnesota member
    imagekcvasquez:

    That being said I think you should also be careful of calling a vaginal birth "normal." By saying that you are implying that having a c-section is abnormal which has a negative correlation. Saying you want a vaginal birth is the term that should be used to not make people, or yourself feel bad about having had a baby another way. 

    I'm sorry I offended you.  In my opinion, a c-section is not a normal birth.  And in my case I did not have a normal birth, it was very traumatic and my recovery was awful, including a 2nd hospital stay with a 2nd surgery and 10 weeks of healing time before feeling somewhat normal. 

    But, that being said.  Thanks for pointing this out and in the future I will use vaginal instead of normal as to not offend anyone else. 

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  • kygirlie113kygirlie113 member
    imageiris427:

    I'm really small and after my c/s my dad made a bunch of comments to the effect of "A c/s was a forgone conclusion, everyone knew that but you."   And even though he knew I was planning a VBAC, when I called and told him I'd had the baby, he said "c-section, right?"  

    I think some people don't know the best way to be supportive, but they mean well.  My mom told me not to be disappointed if I had another c/s.  It irked me but I know it was her way of trying to protect me from feeling bad if the VBAC didn't work out.  I tried not to take other people's negativity to heart, although I know it can hit a nerve sometimes.

     

    I agree-maybe he doesn't know what to say.  I would cut him some slack, too.

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