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March 2012 Moms
LilyPotter218
member
Terrified to tell my own mother (sorry... long)
LilyPotter218
member
I am 31, DH is taking the Bar exam next week. I have a pretty decent job, and he has one lined up. His is not ideal (it involves a lot of criminal defense which he has no desire to do), but will be just fine until he has time to find a job he really wants.
My little sister is KU with #2. BIL has a great job and she is lucky to be a SHAM.
When I told my mom I had stopped taking BCP in May her response was "I hope you are using other form of protection. You need health ins and he needs a job". To clarify, I have health ins through my employer, and he HAS a job... It was not worth fighting her on this at the time so I let it go.
It is still VERY early to be telling anyone, but she is my mother. I want to tell her so so badly, but I am so scared her reaction will be negative. The 29th we have a giant family party and she will know as soon as I don't drink. Even if I tried to hide it, she knows I drink wine and there is no skipping out to replace it with something else... She is borderline mind-reader. I don't want her to find out like that - she will be pissed (think control freak... she belives everything should be HER idea/run by her for approval).
I know I am 31 and my decisions are my own, but I have been dealing with this my whole life. She didn't approve of how quickly DH and I got engaged, how soon the wedding was, the way the wedding was - and we didn't talk for months b/c of it. I can't handle that right now... I will be the first to admit she is kind of a b*tch, love the woman to death, but she is kind of evil and she honestly scares a lot of people.
Has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? I just want to be happy and enjoy this time, but instead have been spending my time coming up with my "comeback". So far all I've got is "Is this really how you want to react to the news that your oldest daughter is pregnant with her first child?" Then likely run out the door crying...
Thoughts? Suggestions? Anything... 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Terrified to tell my own mother (sorry... long)
My advice on how to deal with her: Take away her power. You are an adult and it sounds as if you and your husband have things under control. That probably worries her as she is losing influence over you and as a control freak I'm sure that is scary for her. She want to be in control so that she can have power/influence over you. If you don't respond to her barbs (easier said than done) then you are in control. If she says something hurtful to you then respond matter-of-factly and walk away. Don't engage in a hurtful conversation. Good luck!
BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w.
BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
BFP #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.
My blog My chart
I'm thinking something along the lines of "Mom I think it's time you took a step back and trust that you raised me to make smart decisions for myself and my family. We have thought this through I would like for you to be happy for us but if you're not it won't change the fact I am having a baby."
By the sound of you post her response (should it be negative) wouldn't be something new. It's time to put your big girl panties on and stop expecting much from her. If you keep running away from her, when she doesn't give you the reaction you want, she will never be forced to deal with you as an adult and not a scared child. Sorry if I'm a bit blunt but I find it works better when being honest.
And if I am guessing right you are a HP fan so take a lesson from Harry's book and be brave even when you don't want to be (and If I'm wrong than oops. I'm a HP dork according to my DH).
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like to want to have a supportive mom only to be let down or disappointed by their actions, it is not easy to deal with.
My thought is that you need to find away to tell her before the party and don't make excuses when you tell her. Go into it with confidence, you have no reason to make excuses for yourself and you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You are a 31 y/o married woman who has made a decision to have a baby with your husband who is currently studying for the bar exam, def nothing to be ashamed of.
One of my fav quotes is "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
This is not always easy to remember, but it does always hold true.
All the best, H&H 9 Months!
First of all, Lily, congrats! I remember you from TTGP!
I like this poster's advice about "taking away her power" by not reacting to her comments. I know it is hard, but remember that you cannot change your mother (especially if this is long-established behavior, which it sounds like); you can only change your reaction to your mother's attitude. Instead of running out the door crying after she cuts you down, you could try calmly and coolly say, "I'm sorry you feel like that. Maybe one day you will regret the way you've reacted to such happy news" or something (that sounds pretty dry.... but you get what I'm trying to say). Of course, that will probably make her mad, but it's really her doing, not yours.
Yes!
thekammerzells.com
Thanks everyone
To kind of cover a few responses... Yes, this is something I have been dealing with as long as I can remember. I feel like I have tried every approach/reaction I can think of: Fight back, walk away, simply not tell her things (this is a BAD idea)... I know that I'm an adult and have even called her out on this, but it doesn't matter.
I do need to tell her before the party. I think the plan is to be so excited about it that she can't possible be upset. (Oh, my KU sister will also be in town for this party - her support hasn't been much better). If they react badly, I'll say something (calmly) along the lines, of "I think you will regret this reaction someday", and just leave...
Thank you all again for the warm welcome and wonderful advice! Ill be sure to keep you posted
Ohhh, and yes I am a HP dork. Lily Potter is my dog and yes is named after Harry's mom!
I would tell her in person before the party. I would also put her in her place if she responds in a negative way. Let her know that you and DH are very excited and are confident in your abilities to raise a child. Maybe it's just me, but I may also mention that if she is going to be negative, she doesn't need to be around you and/or your baby as much as that sounds like a threat.
I have friends who were not in the ideal situations when they find out they were pregnant. They hid it for months and their parents found out at the wrong times, through the wrong people. Eventually they accepted the fact that their daughter was having a baby. The child is on it's way... there's no turning back. Hopefully your mother will realize her complaining and criticism is pointless.
Good luck =(
Off topic but yay for fellow HP dork! (I started loving my cats vet even more when I found out the vet tech's cats are named Potter, Weasley, Tonks and Luna!)
Good luck dealing with your mom!
I'm a little nervous to tell my mom too. I know that MIL and FIL will be so excited and their reactions will be what you'd expect, but my mom is more low-key and needs a lot more time to process big news. Because she has always been like this, I know what to expect from her and I am going to try not to take it personally. I am going to be a younger mom (25), but I am married, have a stable job, and my husband is in school w/ a part-time job. I am very positive about the whole situation and I hope that she will be able to absorb the news and be excited for us.
Make sure that you tell her the news in an upbeat, positive way. Don't go in anticipating a negative response because she may be able to read that and then will play off of it. If you go in with your head held high, you'll leave knowing that you did what you could if she responds negatively.
Welcome to the world, Baby W: born on 3/8/12 @ 3:49pm - 8lb 11 oz, 22 in.
I'm nervous too..only because we have a small 2 bedroom condo with a toddler and 3 little dogs. My mom will probably question our reasoning for wanting a child right now.
I don't know how long we will be stuck in this place and I didn't want the size of our house to control when we had a second child, so I decided to to get the IUD pulled out and figured we would make it work if we got pregnant. Surprise surprise, we got pregnant and now I'm starting to get nervous about the big announcement.
My husband wanted to tell everyone the day we found out at 3.5 weeks. I said not until after the 1st u/s at 8 weeks. Now as that approaches I don't want to tell anyone.
I know the in laws will be thrilled. I can't wait to tell them! I think I am going to go in and plan some fun way to tell my parents - force it to be positive. Hopefully my great mood will make it harder for her to be negative
My sister is 700 miles away and literally just called to tell me her second is another girl. She will be in town next week, so if this blows up in my face at least they will have something else to focus on!