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Single Parents
I've screwed up (long)
I'm not a teen, but I was not married to my DS's father. When I found out I was pregnant, he wanted nothing to do with either of us and even attempted to file a restraining order against me (denied - no cause).
Anyway, I did as he asked and disappeared. Totally. My ex has not seen his son, doesn't know his name or his birthdate. He pays no child support and I don't want his money.
Fast forward...DS is a year old and I am feeling guilty and scared. What if he sues me for custody in the future. Will they hold against me the fact that we've had no contact, even though it was at his request? Ugh. We are living a simple and peaceful existance and I really don't want to complicate it with court/visitation/custody but I just don't know what the long term ramifications of that are.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I've screwed up (long)
I wish people would be more careful posting about state laws. Is the OP from Minnesota because 'state laws' vary ... by state? There is no set time limit on exercising parental rights in many if not most states.
OP - I wouldn't be too concerned so long as you are a fit parent. If he were to bring you to court, you would tell the judge why you disappeared. Unless you choose to acknowledge paternity, a DNA test will be ordered. Once paternity is established, the judge may order visitation if he appears able and willing. But there is no reason to fear a loss of custody as you have already shown your commitment to parenting your child. In order to have a remotely credible request for joint custody he would have to show a consistent track record, probably for a period of years.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
WORD!
I understand your fear...I deal with it too. My situation was a little different, because I got sick of ex trying to manipulate and scare me, so I told him we would deal with everything in court when the baby was born. I refused to engage with him when he wanted to talk, unless it was specific questions about the pregnancy. When I was 7 months pg he stopped trying to contact me and I let it go, assuming if he wanted to be involved he would 1) ask for updates and 2) take me to court. So far he hasn't done either.
In both of our situations, we have evidence that at least ex knew about the pregnancy. The problem with abandonment laws is that I just have no clear idea if they apply if paternity wasn't actually established. If they can't fall back on "I never knew she was pregnant," they always have "I didn't know it was my baby."
Logic tells me that a judge would probably say "he's the father, he wants to be involved, he has rights."
I know how scary that thought is. But hey...it is your child's father. If he comes back looking to be involved, that shows that he has a real interest in being a good parent. Ultimately, that's a GOOD thing, even though it would be incredibly difficult to do with.
More than anything, it's completely out of your control. Try not to worry about it so much. He will do what he will do. It's out of your hands, and there's no predicting the outcome. If you can just accept that, it will get a little less scary.
Definitely consult an attorney! I too said I didn't want my STBXH's money, and I'd rather him sign over his parental rights than have him pay child support and visitation etc. My lawyer promptly advised me that it's not my decision on whether or not I want his money. That's because the money he pays is not for me, it's for my son. And because my son can't speak for himself and say he doesn't want his father's money, then the law apparently says that I cannot make that decision for him. I was told this is a Supreme Court issue, not just a state by state issue. Also, if every father could anger the mother so much that she didn't want his money, then they'd all just go that route so as to not pay.
And PP's are probably right, since he hasn't exercised his visitation thus far, he'd be hard pressed to receive any if you did file suit for Child Support.
Good luck!!!!!
DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY ADVICE FROM THIS POSTER! SHE IS A POTHEAD AS WELL AS HER CHILD'S FATHER.
Her name should be hotmess.
As long as he is not on the BC and has not had a DNA test to acknowledge paternity, he currently has NO rights. You have full physical and legal custody of your child unless and until he goes to court to establish paternity, custody and visitation.
So unlike the above poster, in the unlikely event that he came and just took your child, it would be outright kidnapping, plain and simple. You do not need to establish sole custody because you currently have it, if he is not the acknowledged father.
What it seems like you're worried about is him deciding to come into the picture, which is possible (though based on his previous actions I'd say it's not likely, at least for a while). Keep whatever evidence you have of your interactions while you were pregnant, maybe consult with a lawyer to go over the "what ifs," and accept that he will do whatever he will do.
Thank you, ladies. As always you have made me feel a lot better about my situation. I have made an appointment for a consultation with an attorney just to go over the what-if's.
I just don't want him coming into LO's life in 5 years and saying that I kept him away for those 5 years. I haven't moved. I haven't changed my name. (I did change my phone # for other reasons) If he truly wanted to find us it would not be difficult.
My fear is that (from what I've read) one determining factor in deciding custody is which parent is more likely to allow visitation to the other. I don't want this time to look badly from that aspect. I don't feel it is my responsibility to chase him down to ask if he would like to see LO. I think it's HIS responsibility. I just need to make sure that the law agrees. So I will definitely be seeking legal advice.
So thank you again for the advice and reassurance.