We just came home from the hospital today, and it looks like I'm going to have to have that talk with a friend of ours who is constantly referring to our son as "our baby" or "my baby" and saying that the next one we have is for her. It irks me a bit, but DH is really bothered and has pushed me to go ahead and take care of it. I figured the best way to handle it is a carefully worded email (half of the comments have been facebook posts so I don't feel like I'm making an impersonal jump) so as not to hurt her feelings. Does this sound sensitive yet firm enough?
"I know you mean it in the best way when you call Reed "our baby," but it does bother us to imply claim over him from someone else. We love that you are so affectionate and excited about our son, but we would really appreciate it if you would decide on another term of endearment to use for him. We were so happy to have you visit at the hospital, and we can't wait to see you again once we've settled back in at home."
Re: "Our" Baby Friend
I agree with PP. I have gotten this comment too. SO gets really annoyed by it but I don't think there is any harm behind it (in my case). Is there something else underlying? How long have you been friends? I am sure once the "new baby awe" dies down a little maybe she will drop the "our baby" term.
On the other hand if you are really upset about it and you feel that you need to address her; that's all you and what you feel you need to do.
If she is a good friend I would most likely let it go inless it keeps going or she gets more involved.
Just my opinion
Unless you think she is going to break into your house and steal your baby, I would let it go.
I would however address visiting. Though, I'm not sure it is that big of a problem since you just got home today. Let her know you are okay with visitors on x y and z date at xyz time. Just tell her you need time to rest and be with your family.
I think pp hormones are getting the best of you here. It is weird, but not really worth addressing imo.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)

You know, that's a very good point. I think I was putting it into an email because I'm always afraid of tripping myself up and having things come out wrong. I think I'll gently tell her that we'd like a few days to settle in before we're ready for visitors at home and then I'll breach the larger subject next time we're together.
Thanks guys.
I had a close friend do something similar. While still pregnant she made several comments that had me uncomfortable (like talking to my belly and saying not to come until her "mom" was back from a trip). She was also in a somewhat similar situation as your friend emotionally- she had been dating someone for around a year and out of the group of friends we had together, I was the only one keepig contact with her. I think she felt left out, so feeling like she was "involved" in my pregnancy got rid of that in some way.
I never talked to her about the comments, but did make sure she knew the boundaries. When I was being induced in the hospital I had to tell her to wait until I called, after our daughter was born, before she came to visit. After we got home I let her know that I wanted a week to chill before any visitors came over. She became emotionally upset that she hadn't held my daughter yet, but I just explained to her how I was feeling. She was a little hurt by it, but eventually got over it. Just be honest and polite.
HTH and good luck.
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i wouldn't.......if she's your best friend i would just tell her over the phone - if she's just a friend then i would ignore it because it's only going to make it awkward between you guys.
or repost on her facebook and make it more of a joke - say "let me know when you push a watermelon out your nose then you can call her your baby!!
" then she might get the hint and it won't be awkward.
this.
This is what I say to MIL and my mom. They are starting to get it and say "my grandson" instead of "our baby" or "my baby." I have a couple friends who have said "our baby" to me, and as long as it's not often, I leave it alone. But, if it were as bad as what you're experiencing, I would probably say something just because DS is not community property! ;-)
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Lurking here but it really sounds like she is in a tough spot emotionally. Please just let it go. Sounds like she just wants to be needed and involved. I am all for setting boundaries with her coming over and stuff but she means no harm by such a comment. You could respond and ask her when she is coming over to take care of "our" lo at night or something gentle along those lines to help her get a hing.
I was bothered by so many actions of my IL's and my mom always reminded me they were harmless. When a real issue did arise and I confronted it I think it made my feelings more validated than if I had continually made issues out of the harmless things....kwim?
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
I think you have the right to set boundries. And she has already imposed into your family on a physical level. i would say something, actually I think what you wrote is very mature and seems necessary.
.... sorry to hear about her divorce, but her problems are imposing on the balance of your marriage and family, so she needs to back off.
She's already escalating again. I didn't want to give a huge long spiel on here about her issues or the history of this problem, but she's been showing clingy signs ever since I announced I was pregnant. She would remind me every time we saw each other how we were going to have to "share this baby" and the next one I had would be solely hers. She also "approved" of our name choices and informed us of what the nickname would be if we had a girl because she liked it better than the full name.
We've been friends since high school but in the last few years I have lived in other places and our friendship has gone through lulls where we didn't communicate for a month or two at a time. Since we moved back into town last year, we've spent more time together, but not more than dinner or something once a month or so. I feel very bad about her divorce (which happened while I was living across the state) but I actually had to start screening her phone calls during it. I was helping talk her through a lot of it (which included a miscarriage and having to leave her step-daughter with him) and she just started relying on me far too much. She was calling at all hours of the night to talk or get advice. I didn't mind helping her talk through things, but I was spending several hours on the phone with her each day and was starting to lose sleep and be affected at work. She kept ignoring the advice she would solicit for hours out of me and then want to complain for several hours about the result. And it was wild things like going off and sleeping with her ex husband again. I finally just had to break with her and ignore her for a while, hoping she would find someone else to latch on to and share some of the burden with.
I emailed her last night and just asked her to wait a few days and we would let her know when we are ready for visitors. She works at Publix, and I said that I might be going down there today briefly anyway with my mother if I was up to it physically. I made no mention of the baby or whether I would be bringing him with me or not. Seeing as he is only four days old, I would think the assumption would be that he would be staying home with Daddy while I made a half hour trip (in the end, I've stayed home with my mother here to help while he is going to the store for those things). She called three times while I was trying to feed DS this afternoon and then left a message saying that she was leaving some stuff for us on the front porch. I'm relieved that she didn't knock or try to come in, at least that part of my request seems to have gotten through. However, she is still just dropping by without getting approval. She left a bag with two things of laundry detergent. Not even our brand, but she picked them up because they were on sale at her work. I just got this message on facebook from her:
"i wanted to make sure i got you the free clear laundry soap and tell you that my mom said to make sure i told you
that if you can to do an extra rinse cycle to help with the sensitive
skin. and to see if you need anything. don't take him to the store
until he's at least a week old, there are loads of viruses going around.
neither one of you can get sick now or you will both pay"
I'm really getting to my last nerve.
I'm sorry this response is so long, but maybe now you can see a bit clearer where the problem is coming from. Or maybe at least I can deal with it a bit better having had the opportunity to vent it.
*lurker from 2nd tri butting in* At first I was with the PP who advised to let the "our baby" thing go, but wow, that laundry detergent drop-off/message would drive me crazy. That's too much. I think it's probably a good idea to say something to the effect of "I appreciate how much you care about me, DH, and LO, but right now we really need some alone time to grow and bond as a family. Rest assured that when I need help or advice you'll be the first one I call, but DH and I need learn to take care of our needs by ourselves right now." It probably won't go over really well, but this girl clearly needs some boundaries.
She's clearly not getting the message. Try calling her, prepping saying something like "I need to have a serious conversation with you." reassure her, with "i really appreciate what you are doing and i love you, however, i need some space right now... we need to adjust to the baby and develop a routine... we just need personal time right now."
maybe reassure her that you are going to call her once you have slept through the night, are recovered from your delivery and are ready to see people.