Postpartum Depression
is this really ppd?
I am torn inside, two weeks ago I used to be the happiest mother on earth, I felt so much love for my baby and even though I had a lot going on in my personal life, everything was fine because I had my precious baby boy with me.... then things started getting harder, (I split with the baby's father and he doesn't help me $$$, and I earn sooo little, money is not enough not even to buy groceries, my car broke down TWICE in a week.... just hard) and I started feeling strange towards my baby, until I noticed I was numb when trying to be affectionate, and no longer do I have those beautiful feelings that made me feel I could take anything in the world... I am torn, I cant believe I ended up having feelings of rejection towards my baby, when I desired him so much, I feel like a horrible person, I feel pressure in my chest all the time, I have disturbing thoughts, I have even thought of killing myself because I feel so awful and I wish this was all a nightmare, I want to love my baby again, I think this all started when I realized that I was a single mother, when money got in extinction, when I realized I didn't finish school, but my baby was planned, and I longed for him, I loved him so much.....
Is this postpartum depression? or is this a bigger issue? I have talked to the church counselor but the advice she gave me didn't make me feel any better.... and unfortunately even though I do have medical insurance from work, it does not cover a psychologist/psychiatrist.
I feel so bad when people tell me "oh children are the reason we keep on going, isn't Angelica? I feel nothing... when I used to cry from happiness from thinking how blessed I was for having such a beautiful boy....
Will this nightmare ever end? will I be normal someday?
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have no one to talk to about this, I pray to God every night hoping he will lead me out of this horrible experience. I want to feel joy again.....
Is this postpartum depression? or is this a bigger issue? I have talked to the church counselor but the advice she gave me didn't make me feel any better.... and unfortunately even though I do have medical insurance from work, it does not cover a psychologist/psychiatrist.
I feel so bad when people tell me "oh children are the reason we keep on going, isn't Angelica? I feel nothing... when I used to cry from happiness from thinking how blessed I was for having such a beautiful boy....
Will this nightmare ever end? will I be normal someday?
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have no one to talk to about this, I pray to God every night hoping he will lead me out of this horrible experience. I want to feel joy again.....
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Re: is this really ppd?
it may not be PPD (although being in such a tough situation would depress anyone, postpartum or not) but i think that it is def. at least anxiety.
Try to make a list of things that make you happy. Focus on those things when things get tough. When you are positive and think in a positive way- things usually tend to turn out better...
As far as your baby- maybe you are partly, unconsiously blaming the baby for the situation you are in. If you never had him you may not have to worry about money as much, or you'd still be with the guy... etc... but listen- things happened the way they happened. It's ok. No one died. You are strong and will get through this. One day that love will come back (especially when they start talking and saying "i love you" in their little toddler voice) You WILL love your baby again. If it is at all possible - go see a Dr. and maybe do a low dose anti depressant.
Good luck and remember- God never gives us more than what we can handle. If you have a lot on your plate- then He knows you are strong enough to deal with it. All things are possible with God.
Good luck