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Brothers!
does dh go above and beyond?
I realize I have the "luxury" of being a SAHM and that dh works really hard to provide for us. But I feel like I go out of my way to do nice things for Dh all the time and that he rarely thinks of doing something for me. By nice things I mean that this morning while juggling both kids I made dh a omelet breakfast sandwich, or I organized his closet so he could get to his stuff better. I feel like he rarely thinks to go out of his way to make things better for me. I had put the stroller behind my car last night so that the garage door couldn't close in hopes that dh would put it in the car for me because at the time I had jagger in my arms. Instead he rolled it out of the way to a different part of the garage. When I asked him about it he told me there was stuff in the back of the car so he just moved it in the garage. Not really a big deal but then when I left today I had to move the stuff in the back of my car so that the stroller would fit, get jagger in the car, chase cruz around the driveway and get him in the car, get the diaperbag in the car and drag the stroller back over and get it in. Ugh maybe I'm just having a bad day, but I can't remember the last time I feel like he really went out of his way to do something nice for me.
Brothers!
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Re: does dh go above and beyond?
While I know there are exceptions out there, I am of the opinion that mean are generally more thoughtless than women. In addition, I personally do poorly at telling my DH what I want him to do. I think a big part of me wants him to figure it out for himself and surprise me with his wonderful thoughfulness. However the reality is that he does not read minds. I also struggle with my DH not expressing appreciation, which leaves me feeling unvalued. The only thing that I find that helps is open communication, so maybe you could have a conversation with him about how you are feeling?
Oh and I had to laugh about you saying that being a SAHM is a "luxury". There are many days where I happily escape the house to go to work. And I can tell you that my DH was more than happy to end his 2.5 year tenure as a SAHD to go back to work this week!
Jen - Mom to Jillian (10/2008) and Hayden (4/2010)
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This exactly. DH will do just about whatever I ask him to do, willingly and gladly but I have to ask him. I wish it wasn't that way but I'm thankful that he does it when I do ask. I suck at asking though so that's something I'm working on.
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This sounds like your "love language" is acts of service. And his isn't. So you show him you care by doing nice things for him. He probably doesn't notice because his love language is probably "physical touch" (men!)... so you need to tell him that it makes you feel loved if he does nice things for you. And then you might feel more like having more sex with him.
My husband is great. We are truly a team and split things 50/50. He is willing to do anything or help however he can. BUT (and I say this with love) he's clueless. I used to get so frustrated that he wasn't doing things that I wanted him to do. Until I realized that he doesn't think the way I think and he sure as heck will never be able to read my mind.
When I ask him to do something he is more than happy to do it. I just have to ask. As nice as it would be for him to just do something that needs to be done or automatically see the signs and know what I need (a gift, a back rub, a nap etc), it will never happen. So I tell him. I get what I want and he doesn't get my b!tchy looks/sighs/frustration. Both of us are a lot happier now.
My DH would probably do the same thing with the stroller that yours did, ( and when asked would probably say the same thing as well). I think it is the language of men. The extra stuff you do to make his life easier, like Jill said really does go unnoticed, he *may* notice it was a bit easier but not put two and two together as to why it was easier ( I know mine wouldn't). Like others have said, communication is key for us. I don't wait for him to figure out or guess what I need, I ask, he will glady help out.
He has even gotten to the point where he will ask " what can I do to help you?" ( of course this is usually so I will come to bed sooner and he he can get "physical touch Jill was talkin' about) whatever it is, I take him up on it and let him know what he can do to help out.
Ha, you nailed it Jill at least with my husband. He doesn't do nice stuff, sometimes he'll pick up the mess a little. I do everything, the only thing I don't do is go to a paying job daily. He lets me know that he does though. It's irritating. I am just thankful I don't work and have T because I know I'd be doing EVERYTHING plus having a job. I have noticed though, the more sex we have...the more he does and the less I have to b!tch at him. My husband is easy though so once a week or every 2 and he is a happy camper.
I have this discussion with my DH constantly! He is willing to do anything but I have to just say what I want done rather than him using his initiative and doing it himself which canbecome very frustrating.
It often reminds me of that Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn scene in The Break Up - "But I want you to want to do the dishes" - that was as funny as heck to watch!
I couldn't say it better myself!
Does my DH got above and beyond with childrearing and cleaning? - OH YES, it's not even 50/50, he gives about 75% to my 25%
Does my DH go above and beyond in our relationship - a big NO.
Same as Jill. My love language is "Physical Touch" (do I get it? NOPE, and it's not a sex thing it's a stroke my shoulder, hold my hand, just be NEAR me. I really never ever get touched and it's very very hard in our marriage. Most of the time I feel very lonely. But I digress)
His ove Language (he says) is "Words of Affirmation" - but I seriously don't that his is. Because no matter how much I say respectful things or lavish compliments on him, it make him not open up or any closer.
But "Acts of Service" is definietly NEITHER of our love languages. I used to tons of little things and fun stuff for him. And got nothing. So I stopped. Maybe in the begining of our relationship - he'd make me a breakfast or bring me a cup of coffee. But it's been two kids and years now.
On a sid e VENT: In Languages of Love you are suppose to tell your spouse what you "Love Tank" it at. And I'd ask him for his number and he'd always say "It's fine" or "I'm ok" and I'd say "Is FINE mean a 3 or is that a 6???" He'd just still say "fine"...IT DRIVES ME NUTS. He LOVED the book and really loved the idea of a love tank - but he absolutely would NEVER tell me a number.
BTW he is like that with EVERYTHING
Easter 2011