Talking with DH... (long)

MBfromBMC · July 2011

I am having a really hard time deciding how to proceed...

I know that most of the ladies on this board have been through IVF, but I still can't decide whether or not that is doable for us. Obviously, I know that we need to make sacrifices in order to be able to afford it, but I still can't imagine how this would be possible.

I finally heard back from ARC, the company that organizes payments and financing for my RE. Always the optimist, I was really hopeful for financing options and their so-called "discounted rates." When they got back to me, I was a little surprised by the prices, especially to find that they did not include the meds. Basically, I can't see how we could buy a package with any chance of success for less than $20,000. I would feel more comfortable with a 2 fresh/2 FET package, but that would be closer to $30,000 with meds.

Don't get me wrong - I would do anything to be a mom, but I really don't think this is realistic. If it works, then I will have a baby, and be making huge monthly payments that I could barely afford now, much less with an infant. And the thought of it not working and making huge monthly payments with no baby literally makes me nauseous and gives me a lump in my throat. (I know that many of you have been here and I am not trying to sound insensitive, but I am trying to think realistically.)

For whatever reason, my brain automatically is hopeful and optimistic - either about a cycle working, or getting insurance coverage, or for these discounted rates, and it hurts so much more to come down from all that hope. I feel so defeated right now and I know DH was so disappointed.

I honestly don't know what to do and it breaks my heart that my ability to be a parent is based on money. Obviously, we can't afford to adopt either, but I feel like I would at least have a baby in the end instead of the risk of BFNs with IVF. I think fostering to adopt would be really unfair to DH since he is already on the fence about adopting at all, much less an older child.

I told DH about the quotes I got from ARC and he agreed that we couldn't afford it and that it was so risky. He is open to domestic infant adoption, but somewhat reluctant. I think he is really nervous about his family accepting the idea, and I think he is really saddened that we may realistically only be able to have/adopt one child. He always envisioned having 3-4 kids.

I just don't know what to do... The only thing I know is that living child-free is not an option.

IF sucks. Today sucks. Crying

DeputiesWife · July 2011

I am so very sorry.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings and thoughts - I have had many of them myself.

I think you need to do what is best for you and your husband -- maybe you can come up with a time frame to save what you need.

Thinking of you.

theworms · July 2011

((HUGS))

i hate that money has to play a factor in this, we should be able to be parents damn it!

i would suggest looking at clinics that have outcome-based IVF, if you don't get pregnant you get your money back. it may involve travel but be much more doable in the long run.

https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/?gclid=COblo5qPgaoCFcLc4Aodw2HOxQ

https://haveababy.com/infertility-education/financial-considerations.html

also, you can work with the OOP meds program to help offset meds cost

Tanya+Da · July 2011

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's almost the exact same thing for us as well. We did agree that IVF isn't for us. Our logic is, for $20k, I have a guarantee of a baby. It may take 2 years, but it's still a guarantee. We can't fathom spending that kind of money. But we are OOP for all IF and neither of us are tied to the idea of bio kids or needing to be pregnant. Heck, I'd take an alien baby. But that is just what is best for us, personally. I truly understand, though, the need for some couples.

We have an info session for domestic infant adoption on Saturday.

Maybe you can go to a session just to feel it out. You and DH may get all the info and say "Yes, we love this idea", or you may decide it's not for you. Then your decision for IVF may be a tad bit 'easier'.

I hope your find a journey that can bring you peace and happiness. IF sucks. ((HUGS))

njohnson1972 · July 2011

When I initially got my Dx and found that I needed to go straight to IVF, I was overwhelmed by the costs.

I actually did shop REs. My decision wasn't solely on cost, but it was a factor. Given my Dx, I was only given about 30% chance of success, so I knew it would probably take more than one attempt.

RE #1 - $16,000 for one IVF cycle plus $3,000 for ICSI and then meds. He was recommended by my OB and I did like him. He has a great reputation here.

RE #2 - $11,500 for one IVF cycle (including ICSI) and then meds. Subsequent cycles were only $5,500 plus meds. This was the big difference. Recommended from ladies on the board that went to the clinic and they loved their REs.

Both REs gave me the same recommendation. Both REs made me feel comfortable. So it did come down to price.

Now, in my case, my meds were very expensive - $6,000-$7,000/per cycle. That isn't the case for everyone. Also, I did have $12,000 in med coverage, which we blew through with our 1st 2 cycles.

You may want to consider a guarantee program if you qualify. They are more costly upfront, but if you don't get a take home baby, you get back your funds that you could use towards adoption. It may also take off some of the pressure while you cycle.

Good luck.

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick · July 2011

((HUGS)) IF sucks! It is completely unfair that the high cost of treatment has to be a determining factor. I agree that maybe you should look into a Shared Risk program to see if that would be more feasible.

stei8086 · July 2011

Did you try Attain Fertility? They have a package of 2 fresh/2 frozen w/ICSI for $21,500 and like $20,000 w/o ICSI. They are affiliated with certain RE offices.

Before we move onto adoption (we aren't even ready to talk about it yet), we said we were going to buy this package and that's it. Although it stinks that there is no guarantee, I feel better knowing that we tried. I felt like I would always wonder "what if" if we hadn't given IVF a try. It is looking like it may not work out, but honestly, I am still glad we tried.

Ultimately it is a decision that each person makes that they will be comfortable with. I wish you peace in your decision.

steveandkim2 · July 2011

First off - I'm so sorry its so hard. I was OOP for IVF as well and hated that finances tie directly impact our ability to become parents! Its unfair and it sucks and I went through all of the feelings you are going through when I was taking my break last summer (namely that adoption meant I was spending $$ but there would be a baby at the end). When IVF#1 failed, I struggled with how much $$ we "wasted."

In the end, I took a little time to think through the options and our next steps (and it turned out to be a 5 month break). I know its hard to take a step back, but I honestly think that's what helped us get comfortable with spending the final $20K. We shopped for REs (which I highly recommend). We attended adoption orientation sessions with multiple agencies (domestic and int'l). We were able to get our finances in order. We then created a plan where we outlined how much $ we were willing to keep spending before pursuing adoption (and then how much money we were able to spend). We decided it would be OK if we didn't want to spend any more money on ART (but found a way to squeeze one more cycle) Its funny, but our plan was written down and it made us both comfortable. When IVF#2 failed, I felt less "sick" about the money b/c I knew we had already accounted for the situation in the "plan."

You will be a fabulous mom someday. Sometimes life just throws us hurdles to figure out. I hope you can eventually come to a decision that brings you and DH the happiness you deserve.

MBfromBMC · July 2011

theworms:

((HUGS))

i hate that money has to play a factor in this, we should be able to be parents damn it!

i would suggest looking at clinics that have outcome-based IVF, if you don't get pregnant you get your money back. it may involve travel but be much more doable in the long run.

https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/?gclid=COblo5qPgaoCFcLc4Aodw2HOxQ

https://haveababy.com/infertility-education/financial-considerations.html

also, you can work with the OOP meds program to help offset meds cost

Thanks, worms! It looks like the SIRM location in Lehigh Valley has an Access Plan for full-time teachers, so I will definitely look into that! It's a bit of a haul from us, but it would be totally worth it if it works out!

Jackie2200 · July 2011

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you come up with some solutions.

I see that you're near Philly. Is it possible that you could look for a job in northern MD? MD mandates IVF coverage and most mid-sized companies don't meet the loophools so thay provide 3 cycles. We've gotten 3 IVF covered and my DH took a new job which gave us 3 more IVFs. We couldn't have done it without the coverage.

How about NJ? Do they mandate coverage? Perhaps a job there would work.

The commute isn't ideal for you but it is an option.

I hope you come up with something. This does suck.

AuburnBride06 · July 2011

{{{HUGS}}} It's so awful that $$ is such a barrier to so many who just want to be parents. We have excellent med coverage but nothing in regards to IVF. But with our m/c history (and treatment history) it was our REs opinion that we would be crazy to even attempt IVF. I am just not able to carry and he did not think that IVF would help. By the time we had our 5th loss, we were completely over it all and made the decision to pursue adoption. We just could not, in good conscience or in our hearts (I don't think we could have survived it failing), spend that kind of $ with ALL the odds stacked against us for success. The bio connection didn't matter to us but I had to grieve the pregnancy aspect of it (and every now & then still do). We did 1 more cycle after making the decision (6th m/c) but we were not invested in it, as pregnancy no longer held hope.

Anyway, I agree with the PP who said to attend an info session/do some research. It's a pretty popular myth that adoption HAS to be very expensive. The truth is Domestic Infant Adoption is NOT always 10's of thousands of dollars or years of waiting (see siggy). There are other avenues, depending on what your state legally allows...attorneys/private adoption (what we did), facilitators, consultants, and agencies that base their fees on a scale or "fixed" amount, based on income. And there is also the adoption tax credit which is currently $13,000. Very helpful. Our adoption didn't even cost that much.

Not trying to pressure you either way, as it's not for everyone. I didn't think it was for me for a while, but neither was the choice to live child free. Which left me in a horrible place. Now I can't imagine my life without my son. Whatever you decide, good luck to you!! My advice is if it's something you guys are open to at all, to just get information and really educate yourselves. Don't be deterred by inaccurate beliefs/info. I just wish that all IF treatment coverage was mandatory. For everyone. With the struggle and how often m/cs happen to IFers, $ should not have to be a concern.

Temp590840000005378 · July 2011

MBfromBMC:

Don't get me wrong - I would do anything to be a mom, but I really don't think this is realistic. If it works, then I will have a baby, and be making huge monthly payments that I could barely afford now, much less with an infant. And the thought of it not working and making huge monthly payments with no baby literally makes me nauseous and gives me a lump in my throat. (I know that many of you have been here and I am not trying to sound insensitive, but I am trying to think realistically.)

THIS!

I am sorry you are having a hard time, I am in the same situation. I'm pretty much doing nothing right now as I just can't figure out the money. And, the thought of paying $500 - $700 monthly payment with nothing to show for it kills me, I just don't have that kind of money, and then I think oh gawd, what if we were to have twins, we wouldn't be able to afford anything. I'm just doing nothing while time passes me by. I know I need to call the RE to find out what financing options are available, but I just can't deal. Want you to know you are not alone and I'm so sorry!!! ((BIG HUGS))

labbylover03 · July 2011

((huge hugs)) I'm so sorry you're faced with these tough decisions. And your emotions/feelings are totally valid. I hate that $$ is an issue for anyone with the dream of becoming parents.

T&Ps for you and your DH as you work through everything and figure out what's best for your family.

emca · July 2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is really frustrating and unfair that decisions about creating a family need to be based on financial means/concerns. It is so, so unfair! I hope that you and your husband can find a plan that works for you both emotionally and financially. Good Luck and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

orange1414 · July 2011

((big hugs)) I'm so sorry you're facing these decisions.

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