Hubby 'Just isnt Ready'

ShelbieTurner142 · July 2011

I LOVE children... and want a family so bad that it hurts. My new hubby says he ALSO wants children but doesnt think its the right time. I dont think its fair that we start trying when HE'S ready. Everyone in our familes have been telling us since we got married that you can never really prepare for a baby and my aunt (who is also my best friend) says that having a baby helps guys 'grow up'. I dont know what to do because whenever the Baby topic comes up an arguement usually follows.

His arguement: He's in the Navy and will be gone for six months at a time and wants to stay in the Navy untill he retires. He wants children, but doesnt want to miss out in their lives.

My rebuttle: No matter when we have children he is going to miss parts of their lives because of his occupational choice.

Help? Anyone?

magdalina.h · July 2011

If you have children when he's not ready you can be setting him up to completely resent you for it. Sit down and make a plan. Say you're ready now and he's ready in 5 years and compromise. Did you discuss a timeline before you got married?

Mrs.C042807 · July 2011

Poke holes in the condoms.

Becca62307 · July 2011

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the best thing to do is wait til you are both ready. If you get KU before he's ready it might cause some animosity and that's not what you want to bring a baby into.

kaydee_2008 · July 2011

Forcing the issue will not help at all. If he wants to wait you wait. DH wants to start TTC #3 soon I'm not sure I want #3 we are waiting.

NavyClan · July 2011

His occupational choice? LOL! You knew that when you married him. And yes, it IS fair to wait until you are both ready, because otherwise you're leaving yourself wide open for resentment issues.

Go fvck someone else if he won't give you kids. Jesus.

TotallyNot_Isha · July 2011

I think my life is a pretty great example of how this can work out.

Being ready before him can suck. Unless you make it work for you. I was lucky enough to find some great people to keep me occupied. I really though it would be years before my husband was ready, even though there was nothing more I wanted.

Then, one day, he was ready.

And you know what? The ladies on here who know me can all attest to the fact that once he was ready, he was ALL IN READY TO GO. He is a completley different person than 3 years ago.

But the bottom line is, I couldn't make him be ready, talk him in to being ready, or push him to be ready. I had to wait. Why? Because I respect him and I wanted him to be all in ready to go. I didn't want anything less. And he got there *in his own time.*

So chill out, wait it out, find some hobbies, enjoy life and it'll come.

MandyBrownNoser · July 2011

fair¹ (f?r)

adj. fair?er, fair?est

1. Of pleasing appearance, especially because of a pure or fresh quality; comely.

2.

a. Light in color, especially blond: fair hair.

b. Of light complexion: fair skin.

3. Free of clouds or storms; clear and sunny: fair skies.

4. Free of blemishes or stains; clean and pure: one's fair name.

5. Promising; likely: We're in a fair way to succeed.

6.

a. Having or exhibiting a disposition that is free of favoritism or bias; impartial: a fair mediator.

b. Just to all parties; equitable: a compromise that is fair to both factions.

7. Being in accordance with relative merit or significance: She wanted to receive her fair share of the proceeds.

8. Consistent with rules, logic, or ethics: a fair tactic.

9. Moderately good; acceptable or satisfactory: gave only a fair performance of the play; in fair health.

10. Superficially true or appealing; specious: Don't trust his fair promises.

11. Lawful to hunt or attack: fair game.

12. Archaic Free of all obstacles.

adv.

1. In a proper or legal manner: playing fair.

2. Directly; straight: a blow caught fair in the stomach.

tr.v. faired, fair?ing, fairs

To join (pieces) so as to be smooth, even, or regular: faired the aircraft's wing into the fuselage.

n.

1. Archaic A beautiful or beloved woman.

2. Obsolete Loveliness; beauty.

Phrasal Verb:

fair off/up Chiefly Southern U.S.

To become clear. Used of weather.

Idioms:

fair and square

Just and honest.

for fair

To the greatest or fullest extent possible: Our team was beaten for fair in that tournament.

no fair

Something contrary to the rules: That was no fair.

[Middle English, from Old English f?ger, lovely, pleasant.]

He's not ready so "fair" or not (I'm choosing to not expound on the immaturity of that sentiment) has no bearing on the argument.

Get over it, life isn't always "fair".

ASmallWonder · July 2011

Does he say when he thinks he'd want to have kids? It seems like you're both talking about children but you're not having the same conversation. To me it sounds like he's saying the Navy and children won't mix for him. Period.

DrBeepersWife · July 2011

Its your job to MAKE him ready! I would clean out the spare bedroom and start making it a nursery, stat! Also, go to BRU and register.

Lastly, ditch the BCP! There is no better way to make someone ready for parenthood then "SUPRISE, you are going to be a daddy!"

goofyteacher · July 2011

Wow, he doesn't want to be away from his future children for 6 months and you have a problem with this?

I get wanting to have children, but until he's ready you get to sit around and wait. Not to mention he has a damn good reason not to.

weelass24 · July 2011

TotallyNot_Isha:
Then, one day, he was ready.
And you know what? The ladies on here who know me can all attest to the fact that once he was ready, he was ALL IN READY TO GO. He is a completley different person than 3 years ago.

That is a true story, I still can't get over it and she is what, 2 weeks from her due date.

Also, as someone whose husband was ready for #2 as soon as #1 was out, leave him alone about it. The more you push, the more he will resist. Nothing was more aggrivating to me than to hear about trying for another when I had been more than clear about the timeline.

girley75 · July 2011

How long have you been married? Me and my hubby were together for 6 years before we got married, and we've been married for 3! And my husband decided he was ready, and we just got pregnant. But I'll tell you, I've been ready for a WHILE! That biological clock thing is seriously real (plus I'm 32 years old). But I cant imaging purposely getting pregnant before he was ready! Just be patient.. Negotiate... Ps. I completely know how you feel, I wanted a baby SO SO SO SO bad!!

PDXtbird · July 2011

It's just as unfair to him to try when he isn't ready as it is to you to wait until he is ready. Why is what YOU want more important than what HE wants?

"my aunt (who is also my best friend) says that having a baby helps guys 'grow up'"

Procreating =/= being a grown up. Making the decision to not start a family when you're not ready = grown up. Standing up to your wife who is acting like a child about it = grown up.

heather527 · July 2011

ShelbieTurner142:

I dont think its fair that we start trying when HE'S ready.

Indifferent Yes, this quote requires two. Are you serious? So you're saying that it was unfair that my DH had to wait for me to be ready even though he has been ready for a long time. Well, guess what? It was perfectly fair because both of us plan on raising this child so both of us needed to have a mutual agreement on when that would be. I'll make it even simpler, if it takes the two of you to make the baby then the two of you should be ready. See how that works?

IMO you aren't ready either if this is a tough concept.

kaydee_2008 · July 2011

oh and as far as the "having a baby makes the guy grow up" I had DD when I was a senior. Her Bio-dad was 24. Guess who grew up. I can tell you it sure as hell was not him. Even now he still acts like a child almost 4 years later.

staycee · July 2011

ShelbieTurner142:

I dont think its fair that we start trying when HE'S ready.

this makes you sound like a whiney spoiled brat.

ShelbieTurner142:
and my aunt says that having a baby helps guys 'grow up'.

LOL. Maybe in some cases - but it'll just cause a lot of resentment in a guy who made it clear he wasn't ready.

ludicrous · July 2011

How old are you? How old is he?

heather527 · July 2011

ludicrous:
How old are you? How old is he?

I'd put money on there being a "teen" in the number.

Carrie7508 · July 2011

I was ready the day we got married. DH, not so much. So I waited. And waited. Two years later he decided he was ready and now he's the best daddy because he WANTED to be, not because I forced him into it. Be patient and as much as waiting sucks, your future LO deserves two parents who are completely excited and ready to welcome them into your life.

caffinated_tulip · July 2011

Carrie7508:
I was ready the day we got married. DH, not so much. So I waited. And waited. Two years later he decided he was ready and now he's the best daddy because he WANTED to be, not because I forced him into it. Be patient and as much as waiting sucks, your future LO deserves two parents who are completely excited and ready to welcome them into your life.

That's pretty much our story. I wanted to start trying right away. But we weren't really in a good position, DH was still in grad school, my job was much less secure that I thought it was (got laid off, found a new job, got laid off again,went back to school, left school and two part time gigs later...)

So I waited for him to get ready. And for a while he pulled the "I'm ready, no I'm not, I'm ready, no I'm not" with me. And that really sucked. He wanted to be ready because I was and he wanted to make me happy, but he wasn't. We had a m/c in there as well. It was rough.

Then one day he was ready. And he wanted it. And I got pregnant and he's the most devoted dad-to-be in the world. He's so stoked.

Wait until he's ready. It'll be worth it, I promise.

ludicrous · July 2011

heather527:
ludicrous:
How old are you? How old is he?

I'd put money on there being a "teen" in the number.

Me too

mylittlesunshine · July 2011

3 words:

Get Over It

Having a baby has to be a mutual consent between both husband and wife. If he isn't all in...then guess what....you will have to wait. Didn't you discuss all of this before getting married?

sourapplemartini · July 2011

ShelbieTurner142:
Everyone in our familes have been telling us since we got married that you can never really prepare for a baby and my aunt (who is also my best friend) says that having a baby helps guys 'grow up'.

You should watch 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom to see how that logic works out..

ShelbieTurner142 · February 2014

Three years later I find myself reading over some of these replies and noting how they were correct. We werent ready for a baby at the time and I'm grateful that we put it off until now. Thank you to the ones who gave advice and support.

Rin13 · February 2014

I know how rough it is when you're ready but your hubby isn't. But forcing him isn't going to make things better for either of you. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about when he feels like he will be ready. Talk specifics, not just general ideas. Is he saying he wants to wait to till he retires? How many years away is that? How old will you both be at that point? If he's willing to try sooner, how much sooner?

I know it's frustrating and may sometimes feel unfair. But really you are only going to hurt both of you by pushing him for kids too soon. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, the hubby was in the military and he was afraid of missing too much. But she just pushed and they had kids earlier than he wanted. It's really had a negative impact on their marriage. They are in counseling and trying to work things out. But there was a trust that was broken.

Rin13 · February 2014

Whoops, didn't notice the dates. Feel free to ignore me >.>

Mysterious_wife · February 2014

Talking about Zombies. Holy hell this post is old. I got excited and liked a post before I read the date.

terraignota · February 2014

Me three..... Double facepalm

.

Shelovesaginger · February 2014

I was in this situation, all I can tell you is to stop pushing it. He won't be ready until he's ready so leave him be on the matter. It sucks, but you can't force him.

Jags8 · February 2014

Shelovesaginger said:

I was in this situation, all I can tell you is to stop pushing it. He won't be ready until he's ready so leave him be on the matter. It sucks, but you can't force him.

This thread is 3 years old. If you read just a few posts above you, you would know why this was bumped...

SmileyJay · February 2014

If that is his only concern, then it is irrational.

DO NOT believe family when they say crap like "no one is every really ready for a baby" or that a baby makes a man grow up.

There is never a perfect time to have a baby because babies are expensive, time consuming, and we all have lives going on. There are better times to have a baby. Like when both parents WANT to be parents, when they can easily afford what the child will need, when they are stable and have achieved some personal goals of their own, etc. Most people who say that "you can't plan for baby" chose to have children when they weren't ready. It is irrational and you definitely can plan for children. You have to in order to give them the best life you can.

Having kids does not make men grow up. Maybe it makes little boys posing as men learn responsibility, I'm not sure because I married a man not a boy. An adult man can think about the subject of children and decide if he is ready for not. Parenting and just time in general will usually bring maturity, but it doesn't just make you "grow up". Give him a little more credit than that!

This is something you two need to talk about. If he is not ready, then do not get pregnant now. End of discussion.

SmileyJay · February 2014

With the Navy thing - before getting married did you never have this conversation? It sounds like what he means is his job is more important to him than having children. That is his right to feel that way. Of course, it would not make much sense to get married to someone who wants children then.

It sounds like he wants kids in theory, but not in actuality.

If you want children and a home life, why would you marry someone who is planning to be gone 1/2 of every year from now until retirement? It just doesn't make sense.

Mysterious_wife · February 2014

Crafty- your post are too damn long. Cut out half of the words. You always do two long ass post for a reply

Mysterious_wife · February 2014

Jags8 said:

Shelovesaginger said:

I was in this situation, all I can tell you is to stop pushing it. He won't be ready until he's ready so leave him be on the matter. It sucks, but you can't force him.

This thread is 3 years old. If you read just a few posts above you, you would know why this was bumped...
She wasn't the only one who made this mistake. Chill

Sliptak · February 2014

ShelbieTurner142 said:

Three years later I find myself reading over some of these replies and noting how they were correct. We werent ready for a baby at the time and I'm grateful that we put it off until now. Thank you to the ones who gave advice and support.

@ShelbieTurner142, just wondering, so what's the status now? TTC or still waiting a little bit?