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December 2011 Moms
TMI Warning - DH vent
TMI if your not comfortable with sexual stuff do not read on!
Sorry girls I just don't know who to talk to about this, I can't talk to my friends and family about it as DH would be mortified so I'm doing it here, cause you girls don't know him. As many of you know, DH and I have been having problems over the past few months and I've been going to counseling which has helped immensely. Things have actually been really good except for one thing:
DH has a sexual fetish that I'm just not comfortable with and can't make myself be comfortable with as hard as I try! DH likes me to "give it to him" with a strap on. I know that a mans "G" spot is in his rectum but I just can't get over the thought that maybe he has gay fantasies and one day he's going to leave me for a man! (Too much Oprah maybe?) He wants me to do this like once a week and it just becomes a fight every time because I feel so uncomfortable with it!
Sorry I just don't know if this is normal for men (the strap on part) or what I should do about the situation?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: TMI Warning - DH vent
I don't think that a man liking anal stimulation automtically means he is attracted to other men. There is a lot more to being gay than just the sexuality of it, so hopefully he just likes the stimulation.
If you[re uncomfortable with something sexual it's not really fair that he continue asking you to do it. Normally I would suggest talking it out and explaining why you're uncomfortable (it sounds like you may just be worried about him being attracted to men so if you voiced that and he could address it then maybe you wouldn't mind if you thought of it more like a "sexual" act instead of a "gay sexual" act) but I know you are having a rough spot right now.
Maybe take some time to think about why it really bothers you and see if it's something yoou can get over. If not, then you may just need to tell him why it bothers you because it's just causing more tension as is.
As with the PP, it is concerning he might not be being more sensitive, but he likely feels like you are rejecting him in a really personal way and could be quite self conscious of it. IDK, it's hard to say without knowing exactly how the fights go.
Good luck, things like this are never easy but I am hoping it all works out for you!
I could never be comfortable with this, so definitely don't feel like you are alone. I would also have the same thoughts about his sexuality...but I do understand the prostate is a huge G spot for men.
Have you told him you are uncomfortable with it? I would just say, "I love you and our sex life kicks ass..but this is just something I'm NOT okay with." if he actually fights with you about it, I would be concerned. That is selfish of him imho.
Sounds like this particular act satisfies both those predilections for him, so it does make sense that he is attached to it. But ultimately you both need to be comfortable, it is not ok for him to wear you down until you give in for his own desire. (kind of assuming there, but sounds similar to how my husband is if he wants a particular new gadget.) Is he like this in the rest of the relationship as well? just keep bringing things up until you are so tired of fighting about it you give in?
If so I would discuss that with your counselor, you don't even have to use the sexual examples just say this is what he does, he is like a dog with a bone and just won't let up. and hopefully they can work with you both to create compromises and give him another way to feel heard without "bullying" you.
Until then, tell him directly how it makes you feel. "I love you, I want you to be satisfied but this makes me really uncomfortable due to a,b,c . What can we do to reach a compromise?"
It sounds like you are giving everything to make your marriage work and that is commendable but ultimately he needs to give too.
It sounds like he is putting himself way above you in this case. Can he absolutely not get pleasure from anything else but this? Sometimes people have to compromise. If he can still have a decent sex life but not get to have every kink of his satisfied then I think he may need to suck it up a bit. I like things by DH doesn't like, so I go without or I spend some "alone time" thinking about them on my own!
It's a hard call though. Honestly, it sounds like this combined with your previous posts it's not a one off thing. As in, he isn't just selfish about the sex. You're in a hard spot and I don't think it's going to get any better as it doesn't seem like he is as concerned about your happiness as he is about his.
Your DH sounds like he's trying to shift all the blame back on you. Be aware of emotional manipulation like this. It's not healthy. There are sexual positions and acts that I am uncomfortable with my husband, and vice-versa. We respect each other enough to find other ways that we can enjoy ourselves together. It is give and take, but never at the entire expense of the other.
There is much more to a happy, healthy marriage and relationship than ideal orgasms.
BFP 4-19-11. Ezri Ana born on due date, Dec 30 2011!
My Ovulation Chart
Your DH sounds like he's trying to shift all the blame back on you. Be aware of emotional manipulation like this. It's not healthy.
Chi- I hate to say this but DH has been this way for a long time and he gets it from his parents...they both do this to each other! It's so frustrating
I am curious to hear about the reciprocity in your physical relationship.
Never tried it myself, but I am guessing there is not much about the whole strap on thing that you pleasure from.
So is he as eager to please as you are, in other ways....?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this (((hugs))). I don't necessarily think it means your DH is attracted to men, but I can see how it would be a concern. I think the whole situation is probably complicated by the fact that it's hard for you to communicate with your DH effectively in the first place.
I can honestly say I would just not be comfortable with something like this. I don't judge anyone who is, it's just not something I'd be comfortable with in our repertoire. Something about your DH saying that your awkwardness about it makes him feel awkward makes me think that although he likes it, it makes him a little uncomfortable too. He's not "owning" his fetish in a "yes, I like it and don't feel uncomfortable about it or who it makes me" kind of way. He's also not communicating to you why he likes it and where the fetish actually stops (like does he have bisexual tendencies or is it purely a heterosexual fetish for him - does he know this is a concern of yours?).
I'd also be concerned that he seems to have a disregard for your feelings on the matter, as PP's have stated. DH has been asking me for anal since we started dating (lol) and with all of my digestive issues, my bum is not a happy place (ha!). I just do not feel comfortable doing it. DH knows this and while he jokes about it sometimes, he would never pressure me into doing it or project blame onto me. It's just gonna have to be something he fantasizes about in the shower by himself
.
I'm not even remotely close to being a psychologist, but I did take a minor in psych and took a course in human sexuality taught by a sex therapist. We did a unit on fetishes. The one thing I remember taking away from that unit was that having a fetish does not make you abnormal. Lots of people have fetishes and they key is that BOTH partners enjoy playing into that fetish SOMETIMES. If it becomes the only thing that can pleasure that person, or starts to bleed into other aspects of the relationship (like where you're being pressured into doing something you don't want to), that's when it starts to blur the boundaries of being a normal fetish. I think you should talk to your counselor about this and maybe he/she could give you some tips on how to approach DH about it. Too bad your DH is not willing to seek counseling with you for your marriage issues because it seems that he would benefit from exploring the issue farther as well. Just remember that you being uncomfortable with it is not your fault and nobody should make you do things that you aren't comfortable with.
I hope you guys are able to work through this. Best of luck.
*TW loss and children mentioned*
Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen
Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
Is this new? This sounds like an issue that would've come up long before you got married (unless of course you didn't have sex before). My question is, why is this an issue NOW? I am just trying to get all the facts before I make a comment.
Kudos for trying something like this for your husband's sake. That's really selfless and open-minded of you, and not a lot of women would be that giving.
That said, since you HAVE tried it (more than once) and not liked it, I think your husband needs to respect that this isn't for you. Talk to him about what it does for him--whether it's being dominated or just the physical sensations. If it's the domination, you may have to play the dominant role more often even if it's not your favorite thing. That doesn't mean you have to use a strap-on, but take the lead and be more forceful. Maybe try a blindfold or handcuffs. If it's the physical sensation, on the other hand, see if you can try something less hardcore than a strap-on, like using your finger or even a smaller vibrator during oral sex. At least that way you wouldn't be out of your comfort level in both areas.
As for whether it makes him gay, I'd say that this alone definitely does not. There is a whole range of things that turn people on, both physically and psychologically. Being dominated can be one of those things, and for men who are open to trying it, backdoor action can be really exciting as well. If he's only been with women, only expressed interest in women, and married a woman, I'd say he's very likely straight. I honestly wouldn't bring up that issue with him when you're discussing his fetish, as it will only make him more insecure (and thus hostile and defensive) about something he's obviously not entirely comfortable with himself.
This is a really tricky situation and it totally sucks that you have to deal with it. Best of luck!
This is a fairly new issue. He's never wanted any sort of attention in that region until about two years ago. He'd never mentioned it before this time, and everything else in our sex life I've been open to. I put on my leather thigh highs and pull out my whip and play dominatrix, we've had a experimental sex life overall.
I agree with most of the previous posters BUT I do want to point out one positive-- he is comfortable enough to share this with you and that takes a lot of balls! He could hide this from you and even try to hookup with someone else (not condoning it at all and not saying he should/would cheat but it's always a possibility) but instead he asked you.
With that said, you should never have to do anything you don't want to do!
Did you ever try to compromise? instead of strapping it on, maybe just using a dildo on him manually? he could still get the same feeling and you can even join in and maybe use a different one on yourself. I dunno. just throwing that out there!
Good luck and I hope you guys work things out!
Just adding two things: firstly, if you're indulging his fetishes (in any degree) he needs to be going out of his way to satisfy you as well. And secondly, he can always use a dildo by himself - if you're willing to compromise, he should too.