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How to unspoil your child?
I need some serious intervention and advice, please give me real world advice, examples, etc for how to unspoil and already spoiled child. TIA.
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Re: How to unspoil your child?
Honestly, all the above. I KNOW she has too much materially, but I'm more worried about just being ungrateful/unappreciative. small/minor examples...getting ice cream and wondering why she can't have more or toppings...you have ice cream, why can't you be happy with that? She goes to cheerleading camp comes home and says she's never does anything fun. She feels she should get to pick what we watch on TV, listens to in the car, where we go to eat, etc. She doesn't ALWAYS through a fit when she doesn't get her way, but she'll say like, no one likes me, no one loves me, no one understands me, yadda...I KNOW that she's honestly spoiled and I KNOW it's my fault (mine, Rob's, the grandparents, etc. but mostly mine) and I really want and NEED to change fast.
BTW, I miss you and hope you and Audrey and Ethan are doing great! :-)
I'll admit that I was pretty spoiled growing up.
Hence the name "princess"- hahaha... that was a family nickname that stuck! But my parents really did do a good job of teaching me to appreciate how blessed I was. More than I think they even realized. Its really something that I still am super aware of and strive not to take for granted to this day. When I was older they took me on mission trips and volunteering at our church. But even when I was younger, my dad is a pastor so I saw a lot of less fortunate people and was always around whenever things were being done to support our community. I can remember my mom taking me shopping for a family for Christmas when I was very young and taking me along to deliver the gifts. At the time, I thought I was just along to run errands. Now I see what she was REALLY doing! Such a profound memory. Another big thing that my mom did that stuck was routinely cleaning out my toys/closet and donating anything that I hadn't touched in a year. We did this at least twice a year- usually when we swiched summer/winter clothes. It was such a habit growing up that I never even knew to complain about it and by the time I got to middle school, I was voluntarily piling up bags of clothes and toys and setting them out for my mom to donate somewhere. So go ahead and start doing things like this. It won't sink in for her at this age, but eventually she'll get it.
But I did want to point out that a lot of what you described is not so much her being spoiled as its her trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Again, I'm speaking from experience! That one is easy... don't give in. Set the boundaries and stick to them. It will suck the first few times but eventually she'll figure out that behavior won't fly and she'll switch tactics. And then when she ASKS if she can pick what you watch on tv, praise the heck out of her and hand over the remote. Or give her a choice in what to watch and when that program is over, tell her that its mommy's turn and she needs to sit nicely and watch or go play something else quietly. Again, it will suck at first but eventually it will become habit. Good luck- I really do sympathize b/c as Gavin becomes more verbal, he is getting more demanding. We are tring to set those limits but it does feel like he is constantly testing us. Sorry for writing a book... hope it makes sense!
Emily I bookmarked this months ago. I don't know that I need it (yet) but just in case I feel like she gets out of control with the instant gratification and constant need for new...
https://www.momlogic.com/2010/10/unspoil_your_child_asap.php
That said, I have not read this article. (yet)
We actually do some of the things you guys have mentioned, but thank you for reminding me that we do them ;-) Right before her birthday and right before Christmas we do go through her toys and SHE creates a donate pile. Also at Christmas time, her school does a giving tree where they adopt a family. I let her pick which gifts she wants to give and she helps shop for them and wrap them (they have paper ornaments with Girl - Age 6 Doll, or Girl Age 4, Pants size 4) She almost always picks a girl about her age and last year, one of the things a girl wanted was socks and panties. She couldn't imagine why a girl would actually ask SANTA for socks and panties for a present. I did take them time to try and teach her that some kids don't always have things, even the "basics" and to this little girl it would make her feel special. I remember we picked out a ton of fun socks and panties for her, sparkly ones and princess ones - "because she deserves it" per Danielle. I guess I need to figure out a way to do more of this throughout the year and not just at Christmas time.
I don't know how to explain it, but it USED to be funny or cute when she would respond in some ways, because she was so young and it seemed cute to be all diva-y and sassy. She is our first born, she was the first grandchild (on both sides), so I know she got a ton of attention and the total spotlight for almost 3 years before baby brother came along. I know some of it is from the TV (that i LET her watch) when she says "whatEVER" or "blah blah blah" or "duh". Unfortunately, now that she's getting older, it's not cute nor funny, it's RUDE and disrespectful. Having her spend a week at each grandparent's house has been an eye opener because they are complaining about how badly she behaves. I'm really mortified and disappointed in myself and her. I know she can behave well (most of the time, I don't expect her to be perfect). I am trying to curb this monster diva girl, because I cannot even BEGIN to imagine how much worse it could get as a teenager.
Don't be mortified! At least you are aware of the issue and trying to fix it! To me, that's the important thing. My MIL is awesome about emphasizing good manners w/ Gavin. I don't know, I guess I was so concerned about getting him to talk at all that I really didn't care if he was saying please/thank you! She was the one to initiate those manners and it got us to start thinking about it and reinforcing it. So the way I see it, sometimes it is a GOOD thing for grandparents to meddle :-) Ask the grandparents and her teachers to really help you drive this home. Go over the top with manners. Have a tea party and show her how a lady behaves. Talk about it all the time. Show her pictures of real princesses and talk about how they behave. When she says those things tell her that's not how a lady speaks and that when she acts like a lady, you will consider her requests. Think of it this way, at least you will already have made this a habit so Darren will follow suit. Trust me, an unruly boy is even worse than a girl!
TFS Michelle. That's actually a pretty good article. This especially stood out to me :
ml: "Holding your ground" is easier said than done. Do you have some tips on how to say no and mean it?
RB: [If you] know what you believe, sticking to your guns becomes second nature. At first, you might need to prepare and psych yourself to stand firm and not surrender to your child's demands and fortitude. But what does she know? She comes up to your knees and doesn't even have her own credit card yet. That reporters repeatedly ask me the question "How can parents say no?" says it all, doesn't it? "Just say it" seems to be the answer. But as a parent whose kids used to be small, I know how hard that can be. Keep in mind, however, that kids watch and learn more from parents' actions than their words. Save the lectures ... and put your planning, thoughtfulness and energies into strong parenting deeds. The newfound contentment and cooperation that you discover in your home life will quickly tell you that your change was necessary and that it works.
This really struck a nerve with me. I have no problem saying no and my kids respect that. However, very few other adults (i.e. my husband or my parents) in their life follow suit. It ends up like me always looking like the a-hole and typically turns into ME defending my parenting to either my husband or my parents. It's so flipping frustrating but just like that first line said "I know what I believe." That was reassuring to read.
I was (am) the Queen of Manipulation and I'll be dammed before I let my kids turn out that way. I honestly believe it is learned behavior. My parents did not set any boundaries as a child that I was forced to follow. I could talk, beg, cry, outright defy my way out of anything with minimal consequence. It teaches such a bad lesson if you say no to something 3 times only to give in after the 4th. That's not to say that I've never done it, I just mean as an overall rule. And I do try and explain to Emma (because she is older) when I change my mind about something what the reason behind it was.
I agree with SLW, if you put the foundation in place she might not get the lesson out of it yet but she will over time.
Abigail Taylor 09.18.2008
I agree wholeheartedly K&P. The one thing I refuse to do is to give in to Evie. Sometimes it ends up with me reminding myself that I need to chose my battles. But I feel like if I've already started by saying "no" the second I give up, she's going to be on to the fact that she can win if she persists. So I tend to stand by my word and make my husband do the same.
If a grandparent (or whomever) wants to let the kids win with their whining, then I try to impress on her that that behavior only works on that person, not on me. Not that we encounter a lot of people in our lives who do much for our kids. But I'm just saying.
Its sort of like her chase game. I got scared the time she ran away from me into a parking lot and REFUSE to engage her in a game of chace ever since. But since other people do it, I alway say "You may be able to play this with (insert name here), but mommy does not play chace". Same goes with manipulation. "You may be able to get daddy to turn on the tv by crying, but that does not work on mommy. I said no and I meant it."
The material overload is an easy one. Just stop buying. My Mom made me realize I was overbuying when I would randomly come home with something new. I remember ONE time when I was a kid that my Mom surprised me with a gift and it was after I'd left my favorite stuffed animal on a bus and cried for days. Gifts and materials things were just not important when we were growing up and I'm sure it's because we didn't have the money for unnecessary stuff so we weren't used to getting things outside of holidays. It was hard for me to stop buying for the kids.
I totally understand where you're coming from on the ungrateful/unappreciative front. DH is much more likely to buy whatever they want and by principle, I'm less giving. For instance, if we go for ice cream (your example) DH would let them build the biggest sundae with whatever toppings. I, on the other hand, would set the expectation what we'll get the smallest cup and they can choose x number of toppings. I want them to constantly see that not everything is up for grabs. If they want more than those toppings, it's up for discussion and they'd have to pay for them from their own piggy bank, but they know they can't just grab another without consequence.
It has also had a really large impact on them when they have to pay for something from their bank. That's a big one for them. Ethan too.
Annnnndddd....she just threw a fit when I expected her to earn the money to buy an iPad game she wanted. Along with a ton of other parents, we're a work-in-progress here
Anyhow, volunteering is great and it's fantastic that she donates to those less fortunate. We've done the same thing for a few years but it was just last week that Audrey saw homeless people. I wish she'd been exposed to them much sooner because she completely got the "those less fortunate" thing we always talk about. I'd try to find some opportunities where she's not just giving things to people. I know it's giving, but it kind of seems like that's reinforcing that material things are important, though the basics are. I've talked to the kids about homelessness and hunger and those seem to have had an impact. Especially after seeing people sleeping downtown. I don't think it was real until she actually saw with her own eyes what being homeless meant. We're doing this cool volunteer thing soon where you serve warm cookies and milk to kids and women in a shelter while they have a special story time at night. I'm hoping that she'll see the lack of fluff in the shelter and that those families need help. One last thing, promise! I also talked about the current housing crisis (in 5 year old terms) and told her that every single person needs help from other people some time in their lives. I don't know if she really got that conversation, but I wanted to try to erase the divide between "us" and "them". We'll see.
Good luck, mama! We miss you too
I don't have any advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone. Just this weekend, I started thinking that Owen is getting spoiled. He is the only child and only grandchild on my side, which is big. We took him to see the space shuttle launch in Florida this weekend and I kept hearing "More" from him and "I want to do it again". Some of that is normal, I know, but this was more of a whining, demanding way. I found myself telling him how lucky he was to get to travel the way we do and get to go to these cool things. Not many people get to go on airplanes as much as he does, blah, blah, blah....I have no idea if any of that made any sense to him. I didn't have a good plan there.
Now that he is getting a little older, it is not as cute to have the demanding answers. Sometimes it is, but I need to stop reacting that way to him or else we are in for it soon enough. I also starting thinking about how do I teach an almost 3 year old about gratitude and not having too high of expectations. We are coming up on his birthday next month and it will be another wave of toys coming in no matter what we tell our relatives. I am very grateful that they all love him so much and are so generous, but there is a tipping point of "stuff". Anyway, good luck and please share any tips that you find that work for you and Danielle later on. I'll need them!
I know it's my go-to answer, but have you ever read Parenting with Love and Logic? Those strategies have really helped me keep my cool when Elizabeth and William (more Elizabeth than William) start whining or pitching fits. It's all about empathy, choices, and natural consequences.
How L&L would deal with some of your examples:
"Why can't I have more ice cream/more toppings?" Before you order, give a choice. "You can have two scoops -- which two flavors would you like?" "You can choose anything on the menu that's $3.00 or less" (with a kid who understands money, obviously). "You can have two scoops with no toppings ore one scoop with one topping. Which would you prefer?" If she doesn't want to choose or pitches a fit, just say non-sarcastically "Oops! Guess today isn't a good day for ice cream!" Or if she starts in on the whining after the trip, don't engage it with a lecture -- either remind her that she got some choices, or wait till the next time she wants to go for ice cream and tell her that you can only go for ice cream with kids who aren't going to whine and hurt your ears after the trip.
When she starts in with the "you don't love me, everybody's mean, you don't understand me," that is some primo manipulation. My kids both look at me and say "You're not my friend!" with the angriest little faces imaginable. I just smile and say "You're right, I'm not your friend. I'm your mother." Don't get sucked into it. If you agree with her, it will take all the wind out of her sails. "You're so mean, Mom!" "It must be tough to have such a mean mom." "Nobody loves me!" "Nice try."
The biggest challenge with this one is to keep your voice neutral and non-sarcastic. When they see that they cannot get a rise out of you by saying provocative things, it's not as much fun anymore.
It doesn't really sound like she's spoilt -- it just sounds like she's testing her boundaries. And setting limits without losing your mind is the absolute most difficult part of parenting! I think everybody's been there or will be there at some point!