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2nd Trimester
Petunia844
member
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
Am I being unreasonable???
Petunia844
member
First off let me say my husband and I normally get along incredibly well, even now when I am pregnant. Right now I am fuming and I'd like to know if I am being unreasonable here. Today is our two year wedding anniversary, we celebrated with a nice dinner at home on Saturday since the actual anniversary is today (Monday.) So hubby asks earlier today if I mind if he stays after work to "have a beer with the president of the company." I tried to be super nice and understanding and said that sounds like an important thing of course you should go... he says he'll still eat dinner at home, be back around 8. Well it's now 9:40, we live about 35 min. from his office and he just now calls to tell me he's leaving after not answering my texts/calls for the passed half hour trying to make sure he's ok.
When he does call he's clearly mad that I'm upset (I was crying on the phone) because this was "an important night for him" at work. I'm trying to explain that all I would have liked was a text around the time he said he'd be home letting me know he's sorry but he can't get away... and he just keeps saying "what do you want me to do leave?" Saying how I need to trust him more and not worry he's late. Which is ridiculous, this is not a matter of trust I had no doubt that he wouldn't go somewhere ridiculous, but it's a long drive home and I'm home alone and pregnant and he's over an hour late. So now I'm waiting for him to get home because I really don't want to go to bed angry on our flipping anniversary... but I feel like I'll still be just as mad when I try to talk to him. So please level with me, am I being unreasonable??
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
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Re: Am I being unreasonable???
Anniversary or not, I get pissed when DH says an approximate time he will be home and then doesn't let me know if that is going to change. Like you said, it isn't an issue of trust - but we worry (pregnant or not).
If this was about your anniversary, I would say you are being a little sensitive. But it sounds more like an issue of not communicating (which is a HUGE button for me).
I get so mad when my DH goes somewhere w/o communicating that he's going to be later than he originally said! It has happened to me more than once.
I would try and talk to him as calmly as possible. Explain to him how you think its awesome that the president of his company asked to have a drink with him, but find it unreasonable that he's home over an hour late without letting you know. I mean, he could have slipped away to the bathroom for a few minutes to shoot you a little text message!
You could also play the guilt card and say what if something happened to you while he was gone and not answering your texts
.
BFP #2: 8.31.16 Dx w/ GD @ 28w DD Born @ 36w: 4.21.17
No, you deserve a heads up if he's going to be late, no matter what. What if he got into a car wreck or something? They don't get that we worry about things like that, so they think we're paranoid or silly.
Thankfully I've gotten my DH trained, but he's a police officer so I get really worried sometimes, and for the most part he does well at keeping me updated if he's stuck on a late call or something.
No! Like everyone else has said, a little text saying I'll be later and call you when I leave would be perfectly fine. But, of course, men don't realize that we worry if they're not home when they tell us. DH used to do this to me all the time. He went out with his friends one night, and I stayed home because I had my teacher certification exam the next morning. He told me he would be home between 11-12. Well 11 came and midnight went. I called and texted. Finally got a drunk call asking me to pick him and his friends up from a bar. Safe to say this has never, ever happened again.
Bottom line, a courtesy text or call became standard whenever we went out without each other. Establishing something like that will really help with issues like this in fututre,or so it has for us. Good luck!
Me in my husband got into this fight like two weeks ago! The funny thing is when I used to go out for drinks with the girls he would text me and ask where I was and when I was coming home, haha. But I always replied right away!
You are not being unreasonable. He could have excused himself to the bathroom to send you a quick text to let you know he would be a little late. It's the least he could do and anything less is unacceptable. Make that clear to him, and make him acknowledge why it is unacceptable and why he will not be doing it again.
Wow, I just got into an argument with my husband over this exact same thing. I called him and he said he was leaving work (which is 45 minutes away) and then two hours later, he still wasn't home.
I freaked out on him and rightfully so.
You have every reason to be upset. Explain to him that it's not because you don't trust him, it's because you love him so much and therefore you worry when he's not where he says he will be when he says he'll be there.
Hrm, I guess I am not in line with the majority here, but yeah I think your reaction was a bit unreasonable. I can see asking him to send you a text next time and talking about your worries, but to get really upset and cry over it seems a bit of an over-reaction. Also it sounds like you were calling and texting over and over again, which might have been weird for him when he is just trying to talk to his coworkers and bosses.
I had a really possesive ex and he would do that ALL THE TIME while I was at work functions. It would drive me crazy and it looked really bad for me.
Maybe it's the hormones? It was only an hour, so that doesn't really seem like a long time to be over due to me. People do run late and lose track of time. Would this have bothered you this much before you were pregnant?
This was a hot button issue for us when we were dating. It culminated in a huge fight one night, but it also got everything out and he finally understood. He used to feel like it was me just trying to constantly check up on him. When he finally got that all I was asking was for the courtesy that when we were supposed to be spending time together if he was late he should let me know.
Early in our marriage it was an issue too. I think he thought I wanted the calls like he was "asking my permission" to be somewhere. When he finally got that it wasn't a "permission" call but a "hey my plans changed, I'm okay, I'll see you later than I said" then he got it.
Men forget that we worry, pregnant or not. Just talk to him about it. Hopefully once he understands it is about courtesy, he will make a change for the next time.
8 years later, he is really good about it. If he doesn't reach me, he at least leaves a message. We have the occassional hiccups, but that happens. Hang in there!
Its common courtesy to notify your spouse (and others who care about you in these types of situations) that you are running late or will be later than originally discussed. As long as you weren't calling him every five minutes or acting like spazz then I don't think you were being unreasonable.
If he wants to avoid this type of situation in the future then he simply needs to tell you that he will be having a beer with the President of his company & he doesn't know how late it is going to go. That he will text you w/more info & stick to his word to do so.
I understand why you're annoyed. I used to get annoyed that DH wouldn't tell me what time he was going to be home, mainly because I need to know what time I should start with dinner. So I just said that if he's going to be home after 6:30, text me with what time you think it's going to be and if I should eat without you (maybe I'm just more concerned with eating!?) Now he always texts with what time he'll be home, if his plans change, etc.
I would be annoyed with your DH that he didn't let you know what was going on, but I think your reaction was a little extreme.
I think he can text but I think you need to relax a bit too. It is the president of the company and it is important. Now if you did nothing for your anniversary and he blew it off that would be different, but I think getting super upset is a little much for such a small thing.
Does he always not text? If not give the guy a little slack, seems like he is trying to be ambitious for you and your new baby....not to bad sounding to me (plus he didn't come home at like 2 am). You have more important things to focus on and worry about :-) Good luck and remember its all about give and take.
I agree. Yes, it would have been considerate of him to text, but if this is a one time thing I'd let him off the hook. It can be tough in situations like that to find a moment and it sounds like it was a big deal for his career (which could be a big deal for your family). Now if he does this all the time that would be a different story...
Thanks for all of the input! Well we talked for quite some time after he got home and he certainly knows that he needs to either text and update me or just not give me a time he'll be home if he really has no idea. The main problem here (and I explained this to him last night) is I've unfortunately lost a lot of people in my life for really strange reasons and random tragedies and it has made me more of a worrier. I get worried when people are late, period. I felt like he really knows this about me by now, I always ask him to text before and after he goes mountain biking alone, etc. So it was just a miserable anniversary sitting at home for over an hour being scared that something was wrong. It was made worse by the fact that he doesn't normally do things like this, because then I'm thinking "he would text if he was just still there." Anyways.. I think it's safe to say he understands the extent of my desire to have him let me know if he'll be late now.
And to those who say they would have done the same thing in his shoes, that's just a different type of personality I guess because I don't care who I was with from work I wouldn't want my husband at home worrying about me, I would take a quick pause to shoot a text message to him.
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
My Blog