Well this is only mildly offensive

sparkymcgeee · July 2011

My MIL called and offered to come stay with us for a few months because we "need help."

Um, no we don't. I needed help two weeks ago when I had surgery and even then I didn't really need much help. She thinks we can't handle having a baby and going to work/ school. I'm really upset that she just assumes that even though millions of people can do this I'm not one of those people. If anything the stress of a house guest would make the normal new mom/ back to work stress even worse. There is in no reason for her to fly 1500 miles and stay for months. I'm an adult. I'm fine.DH is an adult. He is fine. I don't care if he is her baby. He grew up.

The most frustrating part of this is that we have a really good relationship. We get along great. I KNOW with every fiber of my being that I will end up resenting her if she continues to believe that our only hope is for her to live with us for a few months while we figure out this parenting thing. It will damage our relationship greatly.

I told her we would love for her to come and visit for a week or two but we do not need her to come "help" us. I'm tempted to tell her that I would end up resenting her and it would damage our relationship if we were to agree to let her come out and stay.

katieandjeffie · July 2011

My MIL is a huge drunk and is CRAZY! She told her family last month that she was leaving and coming to help us with the baby because we need her and they don't. She then proceeded to drink half a handle of vodka, empty out the bank account, and then go missing for 12 hours. She had called DH that morning and asked if she could come visit and he said he would talk it over with me (she had seen the baby less than a week earlier) and then hung up. When they finally found her she had broken her hand and cheek because she kept falling down.

I won't even go into the drama of her insisting she be here for the first week after the baby was born. But when she finally decided to call DH after it all went down, she lied about it even though she knew his sisters told him what was happening.

What I mean to say is, I relate. Hang in there, both of you.

tokenhoser · July 2011

I guess I don't have much to prove. I know I can do this, but if someone offered to do it with me, I'd probably say yes.

kacelle · July 2011

tokenhoser:
I guess I don't have much to prove. I know I can do this, but if someone offered to do it with me, I'd probably say yes.

I think this some days, too. But then when we visit the ILs or they visit us (they live 4 hours away), I end up feeling more stressed and strained than when I'm on my own with V.

mellydawn84 · July 2011

I would be offended slightly too, but mostly because I don't particularly get along with my MIL. We get along now because of Elliott, but it was all fake before he came along.

I agree with PPs that maybe just letting her come for a set amount of time, say a week only would keep things civil. If you dont' want her to come at all though, I say tell her. She's an adult and she has to deal with adult situations, this is one of them.

andigurl · July 2011

I kind of understand where you are coming from, but my advicee is to not take it as a blow to your pride, but as your MIL just reaching out and trying to be helpful. If she has the ability to visit for 2 months, shes probably unemployed and bored and looking for something to do to make herself feel useful. As long as she wouldn't hold it over your head in the future like she HAD to come bail you out or something, I'd say let her come at least for a little while.

y mom lives 12 miles away and would be at my house all day, every day if I let her. Lol. She respects our personal space as a family though and only comes over about every other day for r-4 hours to hang with the baby. I don't 'need' her help, but it makes her feel good, and she is so happy to be a grandmother that I don't want to take thhat away from her. At first it kind of got my goat that she would post stuff on facebook like 'just releive d Andi for the afternoon and got to snuggle with Grayson all afternoon'...like I could handle my day without her 'relief', but then I realized what is it hurting to let her feel useful and helpful. I don't have anything to prove. I'm a great mom and if she wants to 'help me out' then I'll let her.

elisbu · July 2011

Uggg....that's hard. But like PP said, tell her that you would love a VISIT but that you are a-okay with Eliza!!

sparkymcgeee · July 2011

I did say I would love to have her visit. That holds true. She's never met Eliza so I would love for them to come visit.

However, after talking to DH, he feels like HE needs the help. So I think I'm going to swallow my pride and my sanity and let it happen for like a month. I'll set some very definitive boundaries. If I feel like I am overwhelmed and stressed out more then I will ask her to leave.

:deep breath:

oh_maria · July 2011

DH says my mom would be very, very welcomed to come stay with us for a long time if she could (my family lives about 2 hours away from us). She is so lovely to have around and she makes such good Mexican food.

DH's mom lives 15 minutes away, so we have the daily help since we both work FT (and save on not paying for day care). In fact, we are staying at their house for a bit because our condo building has rats in it (and we pay more than enough to not have that happen).

TMILLER45 · July 2011

I agree with ANDIGURL....she might just be bored and want something to do! My aunt is the same way...she is alwaysssss calling me to watch the baby so I can go get my nails done or do whatever which is super nice but annoying when it's everyday. I think you should again in conversation say something about only coming for a week or 2, this way you are giving her a time frame.

theaustins05 · July 2011

Do you think maybe she just wants to spend more time with the baby and is using this as an excuse?

AshBow171 · July 2011

If you can live with your MIL for a month you are a great person. I had enough after a 4 day visit. I woke up to the smell of bleach and she was scrubbing our refrigerator. Ok, that wasn't so bad! Stick out tongue I went grocery shopping before she came yet she insisted on going grocery shopping to get us food. Almost like the food that I got to feed her son wasn't good enough. She wouldn't use our coffee maker (a Keurig) and walked to Tim Horton's to get coffee every morning. She pretty much made me feel like nothing I do or have is good enough for her son. It was like she was trying to prove that she was better. My DH just thought it was so great to have her visiting! Barf!

The real reason I hope my MIL doesn't come to visit anytime soon:

She would refuse to give me the baby when I said I needed to nurse her. I had to actually take my child away from her so I could feed her! I could not believe it when she told me "no" and proceeded to walk away from me. I almost lost it!

WOW Sorry to rant on your post. LOL

Good luck!

mellydawn84 · July 2011

Ashbow171:
The real reason I hope my MIL doesn't come to visit anytime soon:
She would refuse to give me the baby when I said I needed to nurse her. I had to actually take my child away from her so I could feed her! I could not believe it when she told me "no" and proceeded to walk away from me. I almost lost it!
WOW Sorry to rant on your post. LOL
Good luck!

My FIL did this, he said he needed his grandpa time and shoved the soother repeatedly in DS's mouth, despite DS spitting it out and crying and me saying HE'S HUNGRY!! After about 15 minutes I just took him out of FILs arms and fed him. Why are some people so damn ignorant?!

*also sorry to rant on your post haha

sparkymcgeee · July 2011

Rant away ladies. I would be too if that was going on. I hope I don't have to deal with that.

Heather & Nayt · July 2011

tokenhoser:
I guess I don't have much to prove. I know I can do this, but if someone offered to do it with me, I'd probably say yes.

This! I dont have family near me and I would love it if someone wanted to come down for a week or so to "help". Not that I can't do it on my own, but the break would be nice. also, maybe she didn't mean "help' as you can't do it, but as in she knows how hard a new baby + everything else is and she wants to give you a break for a while.

aimeecasey · July 2011

I despise house guests. With every fiber of my being. I'm beginning to think that everyone forgets what it was like when they were first-time parents. I am not super woman, don't add more weight to my load, people!!

So, IMO, tell her you'll manage, and stick to your guns!

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