A money question for SAHMs...

dana316 · July 2011

Do you ever think about retirement?

My DH has a 401K that he puts money into every paycheck, but I have no retirement.

I only work part time (not even 16 hours a week, and not every week), so I never bothered to start one up again after I started SAH.

I have started to seriously worry about my retirement though...I know that my DH will always provide for our family, but hey, let's be realistic here. What if, in 25 years, he decides to trade me in for a younger/thinner model??

What then? I'll have nothing, except what the court can force him to pay...and that won't exactly be a ton of money. My DH has told me over and over again that even if something happened to our marriage, he wouldn't make me live like that, and he would always recognize the contribution that I make by staying home with our children, etc, etc...and that he will always make sure I am comfortable financially, even if we divorce.

I really really do think that my marriage is forever, but I know lots of other women who have thought that too...and ended up dependent on social security ONLY. I can't live like that.

Obviously, I could go back to work full time any time I wanted to, but the truth of the matter is that I don't want to. I honestly don't even like the minimal hours that I work now...I hate being away from Caroline that much, and I don't see that changing after Parker arrives, so me being a full time working mom who stashes away a massive retirement account isn't going to happen any time soon....and that is scary to me.

So, how do you feel about your financial dependency (for complete lack of a better word) on your DH? Do you worry about retirement/savings at all?

Discuss, please

LisaMarisa · July 2011

Ummm... I wasnt worried about it until now. DH puts a significant amount away plus his company contributes so we'll (hopefully) have enough when the time comes but I never really thought about what would happen if we divorced. Is a 401k counted in a division of assets?

klaus · July 2011

I just went back to work after maternity leave under the guise (sp?) that I would try it out and see if being a working mom is for me and our family. My #1 concern about quitting to stay home full time is retirement savings. We can do the day to day and DH can continue his 401k but I wouldn't be growing mine! So, yes, I am worried about it and haven't made the leap to leave the workforce just yet beacuse of it.

madybug · July 2011

I mostly worry about retirement for the both of us not just for myself if we were to split. My husband has a pension so i just worry if it will be enough. i guess you never know how much you will need, how long you will live.

I think it is only normal to worry about what could happen to you financially when you depend on someone else for financial security. I dont mind depending on my husband for money/support, we both like the arrangement of SAHM and working/sole provider dad.

Its always been a thought of mine to finish my degree and work once my kids are grown.But since its taking alot longer to grow our family than i had planned that probably wont happen. I honestly dont mind at all and will probably just enjoy his retirement with him.

GuitaristsGirl · July 2011

Not a SAHM, but my mom was. She always had IRAs in her name to "match" my dad's 401ks. They weren't/ aren't as much, but they're something. . .

So thankful, too, as she always thought her marriage was forever, and he ended up walking away one day, out of the blue, after 35 years. She hadn't worked a day since the day I was born, and the whole thing has caused huge financial stress for all of us. He owes her almost $300,000 (they owned a business, too), but skipped town and hasn't given her a cent since the day he left. (And, yes, we've done everything we can legally - trust me.)

I "know" my husband would never do that. But their story has definitely given me baggage. It's so hard to balance being optimistic about your relationship with being smart in the face of realities like this. If I were to ever be a SAHM it'd be very difficult to talk to DH about this because I don't want him to think I don't trust him (I do), but . . .

Anyway, I believe that, she can also somehow pull from his Social Security when the time comes, but I don't know the details of how that would work.

KellyOsu23 · July 2011

I dont have one as I cashed mine out during a hard time and then we just contribute to DH's

So if we he were to leave me, I would take him for all he is worth

Kidding...Kinda...

dana316 · July 2011

GuitaristsGirl:

Not a SAHM, but my mom was. She always had IRAs in her name to "match" my dad's 401ks. They weren't/ aren't as much, but they're something. . .

So thankful, too, as she always thought her marriage was forever, and he ended up walking away one day, out of the blue, after 35 years. She hadn't worked a day since the day I was born, and the whole thing has caused huge financial stress for all of us. He owes her almost $300,000 (they owned a business, too), but skipped town and hasn't given her a cent since the day he left. (And, yes, we've done everything we can legally - trust me.)

I "know" my husband would never do that. But their story has definitely given me baggage. It's so hard to balance being optimistic about your relationship with being smart in the face of realities like this. If I were to ever be a SAHM it'd be very difficult to talk to DH about this because I don't want him to think I don't trust him (I do), but . . .

Anyway, I believe that, she can also somehow pull from his Social Security when the time comes, but I don't know the details of how that would work.

Well...now I want to throw up a little bit. I was worried before...after reading this, I'm downright scared...

Your poor Mother...what a horrible thing to have to go through. I can't imagine...

superned · July 2011

I am not a SAHM, but my mom is in this situation right now.

My parents have been married for 34 years. My mom stayed home for 15 years and then worked in mostly social service jobs that did not provide retirement plans. Two years ago she got her degree and got a job that contributes to a 401K, but she's 53 now and I bet has less than $15,000 saved for her own retirement.

I don't want to get into the details, but in the past four months their marriage has basically fallen apart (your "trade it in for a younger model" line sort of fits...). My mom has been grappling with the fact that she could potentially have to work for the rest of her life in order to avoid relying only so Social Security.

They're not divorced yet (they are in counseling), but to be perfectly honest, I think part of the reason my dad wants to stay married is because he would rather die than give up his 401K.

Just putting that out there. I know we all think our marriages are forever, but sometimes really, really sh!tty stuff happens.

GuitaristsGirl · July 2011

dana316:
GuitaristsGirl:

Not a SAHM, but my mom was. She always had IRAs in her name to "match" my dad's 401ks. They weren't/ aren't as much, but they're something. . .

So thankful, too, as she always thought her marriage was forever, and he ended up walking away one day, out of the blue, after 35 years. She hadn't worked a day since the day I was born, and the whole thing has caused huge financial stress for all of us. He owes her almost $300,000 (they owned a business, too), but skipped town and hasn't given her a cent since the day he left. (And, yes, we've done everything we can legally - trust me.)

I "know" my husband would never do that. But their story has definitely given me baggage. It's so hard to balance being optimistic about your relationship with being smart in the face of realities like this. If I were to ever be a SAHM it'd be very difficult to talk to DH about this because I don't want him to think I don't trust him (I do), but . . .

Anyway, I believe that, she can also somehow pull from his Social Security when the time comes, but I don't know the details of how that would work.

Well...now I want to throw up a little bit. I was worried before...after reading this, I'm downright scared...

Your poor Mother...what a horrible thing to have to go through. I can't imagine...

Yeah, I almost didn't post this as I don't want to contribute to anyone's anxiety, but I almost felt like I "had" to. (Sorry!)

DH and I are currently assessing our financial situation and seeing whether I can change jobs/ go part time/ maybe take some time off, etc. I would be fine, for a while, not having any contributions in my own name, if that's what it took to make things work, but I definitely wouldn't be okay with it being permanent. .

eta: I might have some of the details/ terminology wrong - my sister is a CFP (Certified Financial Planner) and "handles" all of this - but this is the jest of it.

Magoy · July 2011

KellyOsu23:
I dont have one as I cashed mine out during a hard time and then we just contribute to DH's
So if we he were to leave me, I would take him for all he is worth
Kidding...Kinda...

LOL! Me, too. We cashed what little we had in mine so we could afford to pursue surrogacy. We're just contributing towards his now. He also has some company stock options/awards that he gets pretty frequently.

So, yeah... I'd have to be ready to fight. But, our marriage has been tested in the past and I think we're good to go now

readyin07 · July 2011

It scares me to see SAHMs with no contingency plans...My marriage *IS* forever, but it is important to me to have my own IRA and when we retire together it will help both of us. It is not as much as my DH's, but basically that's where our tax refund goes.

cjsbdl · July 2011

I have an IRA we started with my 401k money from previous jobs and we contribute to it the same as we do to DH's retirement (I don't mean the same amount, but that we contribute monthly).

ShannonSky · July 2011

We discuss it from time to time and have nebulous "plans" to get an IRA going in my name, but we haven't gotten around to it yet. One of the downsides us being young - we/I just haven't had as much time in the workforce and SAH is something of a sacrifice for us. We can pay our bills and keep our heads above water, but there isn't much else and always seems to be another repair to make to the house or something to save for.

Dochas · July 2011

Retirement funds would be looked at in the case of a divorce. I have a decent sized fund from when I worked. Which reminds me - I really need to consolidate. I also am vested in a small pension. It's only about $250 per month but at least it's something. Right now we only contribute to his retirement account. Mine is much bigger than his but we look at it as all ours. We also own a 2nd home that we consider a nest egg. I'm not sure when I'll go back to work part or full time but then I would start to contribute again.

Honestly though - I'm younger than my husband. I probably WAS his midlife crisis. lol. He couldn't handle anyone younger than me and I handle all of our investments and finances. Anyone who is worried should probably cut the contribution to their DH's by some so they can contribute to their own account. We all hear stories about bad things happening. But I couldn't live my life worrying about my DH leaving me.

GypsyEsq · July 2011

Not a SAHM but I have a SAHDH/D and we've set up an IRA for him and I encourage him to contribute to it and his own savings account regularly. I do provide part of any windfall (tax refund, Christmas cash, etc...) that is given to "us" to him for that purpose. But I'm not his Mom so I can't make him do it. To me, it's critical. Not just for if we divorced but if I died. He can't work forever and I need to know that he will be ok and be able to focus on taking care of our family in the same way that we've agreed they should be and part of that is providing for his retirement. Honestly I'm horrified at the thought of so many of my SAIF ladies having little to no savings and no plan for retirement.

dana316 · July 2011

Dochas:

But I couldn't live my life worrying about my DH leaving me.

I don't...at all. It just recently started bothering me, when it became abundantly clear that working FT wasn't something I was going to be doing anymore.

As much as I KNOW my marriage is forever, I need to be prepared. I have a super small retirement account from a previous job, and I'm going to look into rolling that into an IRA for myself. Of course, whatever is mine is his and is ultimately ours, I am starting to feel like I need something for myself too.

pandabearlover · July 2011

I worked for 8 years before I quit to be a SAHM so I have my 401K from my job-I was vested when I quit so it's a good chunk, considering I am still young and it can continue to grow. I also have IRA's in my name that are just growing right now.

I sometimes wonder what I would do if my DH decided he wanted to leave, but I also know that he has a good job and I would totally be fighting for all the child support I could get. I am saving us a lot of daycare expenses by staying home!

LVBlvd · July 2011

I had a 401K through my employer before I quit to be a SAHM. We rolled that into an IRA, though we don't contribute to it anymore. So there is something there, just not much.

I don't worry about it, though. DH would pay big time if he did anything stupid like leave me for another woman ; )

dana316 · July 2011

LVBlvd:

I don't worry about it, though. DH would pay big time if he did anything stupid like leave me for another woman ; )

I've always told my DH that I would take everything he's ever had or ever will have ;-)

He and his girlfriend will be living in a cardboard box if have my way ;-)

dusk42 · July 2011

Statistically, women end up worse off financially after a divorce and men end up better. There are all sorts of factors, and not just unequal division of property (like wanting to stay in your house to avoid uprooting your kids, but the bills are too much to be comfortable, etc.). It's not enough to depend on a good divorce settlement for financial security. You can always contribute the max to a spousal IRA if you are not working (and if you are working, you can contribute to an IRA as well, up to the amount that you make). And the way I see it, it's never a bad thing to save too much. So you have bonus retirement savings because you stay married, and some security if someone does something crazy.

CandT · July 2011

I am lucky that my DH runs his own business. He has "employed" me and I am able to have my own IRA etc. It's not much but at least it's something. I also have a small retirement from teaching for 10 yrs before quitting to SH (aka work part time). If I was unable to do this through my H business I would set up a personal account through the bank and put in some from my salary and ask DH to put in some from his so something is in my name.

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