School-Aged Children

My son refuses to use the bathroom at school...

ANyone else have a child who does this?

My son is in 1/2 day kindergarten this year and refuses to use the bathroom at school.  2 times he has dribbled in his pants a bit because he won't use the potty there.  I have no idea why he's so scared of it.  Except for those 2 times it's been ok since he's only there 3.5 hours.

I'm really scared about 1st grade though.  He'll be there for almost 7 hours and obviously he won't be able to make it through they day without peeing.  I really don't want him to have to go through peeing his pants in front of the whole class and being embarrassed.  I'm not sure how to help him feel comfy using the bathrooms at school.  Any suggestions for me??? 

Re: My son refuses to use the bathroom at school...

  • image-auntie-:

    I know a lot of kids with this issue. Most of them are on the autism spectrum, though I know a few with straight up OCD who struggle with this as well.

    This is a conversation to be having with your son. There's a reason he won't do this that is more powerful than the possibility of humiliating himself with an accident. You probably have some clues around his general personality that can help you sort this out.

    1. Is he shy? Is he too timid to ask to use the bathroom? Yes he's pretty shy. 

    Teachers can address this with a pass system or scheduled bathroom breaks.

    2. Does he have a shy bladder? Is he able to urinate among strangers in a public mens room or do you always take him to the ladies room? I always take him to the ladies room with me

    Could he use the bathroom at the nurses' office while you take a behavioral approach to getting him over this.

    3. Does he have sensory issues that would cause him to struggle with the echoy tiled room and automatic flushers/hand dryers?   No, but he says he's scared because the bathroom  in his class is dark

    An OT and exposure therapy address this sort of thing.

    4. Does he routinely get so focused (hyperfocused, it's a symptom of ADHD) that he neglects to visit the bathroom and no longer senses when he needs to go?  Nope

    If you see this, a multifactored eval could uncover what's up and a plan written to correct it. If he's lost the sensation from routinely ignoring his need to go, you will need to see a specialist about bladder retraining.

    5. Is he being bullied? The boys room is notorious for being an unsafe venue for "different" kids. Could he be one of those kids?  No, the bathroom is inside their kindergarten class and there's only 1 toilet, so just 1 kid at a time goes in there

    He could be allowed to use the nurses' bathroom or the teachers could better monitor what goes on in the boys room. DS's elementary had a lot of male primary teachers who would police the bathrooms as necessary.

    He's always been really cautious and timid with "new" things.  I've shown him the bathroom, the teacher showed him and showed him where the lightswitch is... I don't get it, he goes fine at home and at other people's houses. 

  • Both my kids are on the cautious/shy end of the social spectrum, and they both have had issues with this at times.  Neither are on the autism spectrum, although both have some mild sensory issues, especially to loud noises.  So, while this may be, as auntie says in her post, a fairly common issue for kids on the autism spectrum, I wouldn't say it's an indicator of autism.

    DD didn't like to use the bathroom in her kindergarten classroom because the door was too heavy and the flush was too loud.  Also, she felt like she could never be sure if there was another kid already in there.  She had 1/2 day K.  She wet her pants once at school, because she was reluctant to knock or barge on in.  We just talked about how to handle it if she wasn't sure whether someone was using the bathroom, and I reminded her that she can always ask the teacher for assistance in such circumstances.

    My son resisted using the bathroom at preschool because he accidentally locked himself in there once!  He's a camel, and he can really hold it for a long time, so he just avoided peeing at school.  However, that kind of sensitivity,  hesitation, and uncertainty was part of the reason we waited a year for him to start kindergarten.  Now, he's fine using the bathroom in class, and he'll even go to the "big kids'" bathroom if he has to pee during lunch or specials. 

    I have taken advantage of public restrooms that I know are safe and clean to encourage my kids to be more independent about public restrooms.  For us, a good place was the bath house at our pool.  I stopped letting my son use the ladies room at the pool last summer and made him go in the men's side of the bath house.  He resisted at first, but we worked through it. 

    Also, your H can take an active role in helping your son feel more at home in the men's room by taking him to the bathroom when you're out together.  While we were getting my son ready for K, my husband switched from taking him into the men's room in stores/restaurants, to just standing by the door to wait for him.  This also helped my son feel more confident about using the school restrooms. 

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
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  • imageneverblushed:

    Both my kids are on the cautious/shy end of the social spectrum, and they both have had issues with this at times.  Neither are on the autism spectrum, although both have some mild sensory issues, especially to loud noises.  So, while this may be, as auntie says in her post, a fairly common issue for kids on the autism spectrum, I wouldn't say it's an indicator of autism.

    DD didn't like to use the bathroom in her kindergarten classroom because the door was too heavy and the flush was too loud.  Also, she felt like she could never be sure if there was another kid already in there.  She had 1/2 day K.  She wet her pants once at school, because she was reluctant to knock or barge on in.  We just talked about how to handle it if she wasn't sure whether someone was using the bathroom, and I reminded her that she can always ask the teacher for assistance in such circumstances.

    My son resisted using the bathroom at preschool because he accidentally locked himself in there once!  He's a camel, and he can really hold it for a long time, so he just avoided peeing at school.  However, that kind of sensitivity,  hesitation, and uncertainty was part of the reason we waited a year for him to start kindergarten.  Now, he's fine using the bathroom in class, and he'll even go to the "big kids'" bathroom if he has to pee during lunch or specials. 

    I have taken advantage of public restrooms that I know are safe and clean to encourage my kids to be more independent about public restrooms.  For us, a good place was the bath house at our pool.  I stopped letting my son use the ladies room at the pool last summer and made him go in the men's side of the bath house.  He resisted at first, but we worked through it. 

    Also, your H can take an active role in helping your son feel more at home in the men's room by taking him to the bathroom when you're out together.  While we were getting my son ready for K, my husband switched from taking him into the men's room in stores/restaurants, to just standing by the door to wait for him.  This also helped my son feel more confident about using the school restrooms. 

    Thanks for the response.  Having my husband start taking him to the restroom/ going into safe public restrooms alone is a good idea (if i can find one I'm comfortable enough with!)  Thanks! 

  • I feel like, when a kid is accompanied by dad, bathrooms at Wal-Mart, Target, McD's, the grocery store, etc., are all fine.
    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
  • My daughter who is in 1/2 day kindergarten too does the same thing. She will not use the school's restroom. She runs for the bathroom when she gets home everyday. I ask her why she won't go in school and she will tell me either she doesn't have to or because the restroom is dirty. I just keep encouraging her everyday to use the bathroom is she needs to. Next year should be interesting...
  • Can you ask the teacher to leave the light on in the bathroom for a few weeks? I get that it isn't enviro friendly but it might help if he opens the door to find it brightly lit.


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