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Preemies
Advice for Comforting a Friend
Hi All,
I don't post on TB much anymore, but I would really love some help if you are willing to share your experiences. I have a friend who went into the hospital yesterday for liver problems (a condition wherein she will have to deliver the baby to cure the problem). She is 29 weeks and they are trying to put off delivery for another week if possible. Either way, baby's coming soon.
I want some advice on how to comfort/encourage her. I know her baby has a good chance of survival, but she and her husband in for a few extremely stressful months in the NICU...to be followed by more stress at home:) I read the post below "Some people just don't understand" and its true, I don't. I just know I'm terrified for her health and her baby's health.
Beyond leaving my 7-month old at home when i visit (is this a good or bad idea?) do you have advice on how I might comfort her? I know she has been craving an Italian sub for months:)... I want to stay almost stupidly positive, but don't know if this is the right tack. (I guess stupidity never is:)
Other info: This pregnancy was a happy surprise, mom has PCOS. She has taken EVERY precaution during pg, but has been stressed out about her apartment (smokers below the baby's room). Her shower was supposed to be today. Her parents are already in town, visiting with her.
Thanks for reading this/any words of wisdom!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice for Comforting a Friend
Oh dear (re: shower today), that's a tough one. First, you are a wonderful friend to come here & post. I'd encourage her to come here as well - several moms on bed rest have as they're preparing to welcome LO early & I think letting them ask questions and read stories is one of the best things for them. I'll probably be projecting my own feelings into this answer because that's all I know. I didn't get a warning that baby was coming early, so it would have helped me to know more of what to expect. I didn't know about micropreemies; I still bow in astonished respect over those LO's. Please tell her that every single day/moment counts. Every hour.
You mentioned bringing your LO? That might not be good. I think you mean to visit her in the hospital before she delivers, right? That might be unsettling. Most of us have a wide range of emotions when it comes to full term babies/mothers - I'm still
I don't know what I am, but my LO is nearly three and a half months and still not the birthweight of my friend's NB at BW.
OH!!!!
Buy her this: https://www.amazon.com/Preemies-Second-Essential-Parents-Premature/dp/1416572325/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310221652&sr=8-1
There are also books that document her NICU experience. I wish I'd known all of these things right at the beginning.
Good luck
Thanks for the advice? maybe I will put off visiting at least until after baby is born...but send something to the hospital. Especially with her mom and everything in town. I forgot to mention that Dad was a preemie (I'm not sure how early...) so the family has some experience with early babies.
I took a look at that book? it sounds good. I don't know if I would feel comfortable buying for her though...but maybe in a few days when we know more or maybe I'll tell her husband about it.
Thanks!
Urbanflowerpot gave you some great advice.
I think it would be ok to visit (and possibly very welcome in the boredom of hospital stays) but if you visit, don't stay long and don't bring your LO for reasons mentioned above. Term babies can be hard for preemie moms.
Other things people did to support us after my LO was born (we had no warning that she was coming early):
-organize meals to be dropped off at our house while we were at the hospital visiting LO (the best part of this was that people left food in a cooler on our porch so we didn't have to entertain/talk to people after a long hard day)
-offer to clean house, do yardwork, pet sit, do laundry, or keep up with other chores to free up time for hospital visits
-gift cards that could be used for parking or food at the hospital were our favorite gifts
-offer to be the communication coordinator, she can give you daily updates and you can send them to everyone else in your circle so she doesn't have to worry about constant phone calls/texts
Good luck! You are a great friend to offer support to her. Also understand if she needs space, there was a period after my DD was born that I couldn't handle talking to friends no matter how well-meaning they were.
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
Hey there! First of all, props to you for doing your research, I think its really sweet that you want to help your friend...I wish my friend would have done the same (I posted the some people just don't understand post). NICU can be a rollar coaster. There were a few things that people said that I really appreciated (after the baby was born) These things aren't big things either, its just the fact that they cared, I guess...
People saying how cute the baby was.
Friends asking me if I needed anything, esp driving me back and forth to the hospital to see the baby when I couldn't drive myself.
People asking when would be a good time to visit.
The thing that stood out most to me throughout this whole thing though was what was said by my husband..."You did good"...that meant more to me than anything...despite our baby coming out at 30 weeks and 4 days, I did good..I had all these feelings of guilt about not being able to keep my baby safe inside for the time he needed.
I guess thats all I can remember for right now. Hope that helps.
You're welcome! I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't visit her, though. I re-read what I wrote and it sounds a little blurry. I was asking if you meant bring your baby to visit - sorry, I have had a migraine all day & get things all mixed up when I type. Yes, you should visit! Even if you just show up for a 'minute' - like if she says she's not up for a visit ask if you can just drop something off. Once you're there she might change her mind & it would be very good for her to have in-person support. Just don't bring the baby for the reasons above, but also you def want to keep her healthy/no germs. It was one of my biggest fears while in NICU that I'd get sick and not be allowed in.
Thanks again ladies! My husband and I (we are hiring a sitter) are going tomorrow. We were going to bring lunch but they declined, so I am bringing nice soap, shampoo and conditioner because I know the hospital isn't the Ritz.
Was going to bring candy, but alas I don't want to risk her not being allowed to eat it. My friend is doing a little better apparently, responding well to whatever meds they gave her.
Wonderful! Let us know how she's doing & I'll keep her in my thoughts & prayers!
Your LO is cute!
I have a very similar story: PCOS, HELLP (which is the liver problem your friend has), and c section at 31w due to the HELLP.
Visiting her in the hospital, all the PPs gave great advice. I was only on hospital bedrest for 3 hours before I delivered (yes, 3 hours), so I can't really speak to that.
But.....When you visit the NICU, you will need to leave your baby at home. Also, don't come in if you have been around anyone who has been sick in the last week.
Some things that made my life better during this journey:
-a gift certificate to a restaurant near the NICU (we couldn't bring food in, and sometimes, you just want to get out for a bit...but those meals out do add up)
-help with housework/laundry (last thing I wanted to do after spending all day in the NICU while recovering from my c section was laundry/housework.)
-call/text her every few days to see how her and the baby are doing. Tell her you don't expect a callback. I wasn't really up for talking much while in the NICU, but I was up for texting, so I texted a lot of those friends back. I had one friend who "just doesn't like to text", so she would call and beg for a callback. Most days, I just didn't have the energy or the drive, and it was a hassle because she would "only accept" a callback. Offer to come visit, but only if it's convient for her. Some days, I loved visitors....other days, not so much. When you visit, don't ask to hold the baby. Many times, there are only certain "hold times", and these should be reserved for the parents. But, if your friend asks "do you want to hold her/him", and you feel comfy doing it, go for it. After DD could be held more, it was nice to know that she was being held by someone (anyone!) to give me some time to catch up on email/calls/etc. Whenever I wasn't holding her, I felt guilty.
-Tell her how beautiful her baby is. Preemies aren't attractive to the main population. I was one of those people before, where I saw a picture of a preemie and thought "oh my, that is not a good looking kid". They are small, thin and sometimes hairy. Be prepared for this, but compliment her baby. She knows that he/she will not be beautiful in the Gerber baby sense, but to her, s/he is the most beautiful baby in the world.
-Try to stay away from "OMG, s/he's sooooo tiny" statements. Yes, s/he is a preemie. They are tiny. Hence the preemie. All this statement does is bring attention to the fact that she didn't have her "normal, full term" baby.
-Instead of asking "is there anything I can do" (many people don't feel comfortable speaking up, or even KNOW what they want), tell her "I'm going to XXXX store. What can I get you?" Since the birth was so sudden, I didn't have any nursing bras/tanks (which I still live in). One friend bought me a nursing bra.
T+Ps to your friend!
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
Update: The babysitter arrived and Dh and I were just about to leave the hosue when we got a (good) call! Her baby was born: 2 lbs 10 oz, breathing well with the breathing tube and even a little on her own ? yes, a girl (they didn't find out in advance)!
Momma is still recovering, her body is doing wonky things since the birth, but she is in good hands. So our visit is postponed until later this week.
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I will be sure to say the baby is cute ? this is something everyone likes to hear:) and not comment on the baby's tiny-ness. Good advice which reinforces what I was thinking, but definitely helps to conscious made an effort in this direction.
I like the idea of gift certificates to area restaurants and bringing her some fundamentals? I'm thinking nursing pajamas.
Still not out of the woods, but I am so glad momma and baby are doing pretty good:) I'll definitely refer her here after she gets out of the hospital next week...
Yayyy! congratulations to her!
Thank you for being such a kind friend - she's really lucky to have you!
Re: PP & the cute thing: I almost cried reading that paragraph. Yes, over & over, yes. I wish someone had told my friends that. NObody told me he was cute, nobody, and it hurt so badly. It still does. I don't think I'll ever get over that. They only said, "oh, look, he's so tiny/little/small - what long fingers he has!" Ughh. I think you tapped into a very sore spot here.
anyway, we hope she'll be up for joining us here on TB
Thank you
It's really something, though, to see skin draped over your LO's bones, and they're all covered in tubes & wires. I think people were too shocked to know what to say at first. He's @ ten pounds today. I squeeze his baby chub & love it all the more.
I especially agree with telling her how cute and beautiful her LO Is. I have three girls and post pictures of them on Facebook for extended family and friends. Everyone would post how cute/beautiful/sweet the two bigger girls were but, for a long time, no one would comment on my little V. I know that it was harder to see her with the wires and CPAP but it upset me. She's just as beautiful as her sisters. So yes, she will love to hear how beautiful her little girl is.