How to deal w/ In-laws' discipline of DS?

SeaMama · July 2011

Popping in for a quesiton. DS is 20 months old. He gets along great w/ my in-laws as do I. The problem? On the 4th DS was running over to the bbq (or near the bbq) and to stop him from going near it or touching it my FIL slapped DS on the hand (I assume it was the hand b/c I didn't see this go down). DS came over to me w/ a super sad face looking like he was going to cry and when I was asking him what happened (thinking he fell or something) FIL said "I hit him to keep him away from the grill". WTF?! I was so stunned and surprised I didn't say anything. I finally just told DH about it yesterday. We are adamantly against spanking/slapping/hitting as discipline but I understand that FIL was doing what he thought best to keep DS safe in his mind. Should I do/say anything or just have DH handle it? Or just ignore it but speak up in the moment if it ever happens again?

erbear · July 2011

DH should say something. We don't spank but if we ever decide to, no one but me or dh will ever spank our kids

kacelle · July 2011

I can see my mom doing something like this. It would really bother me; I wouldn't let someone other than me and DH spank my child or slap them on the hand, even if we were using those forms of discipline. I'm sure your FIL's intentions were good. But if you don't choose to use spanking or slaps on the hand as discipline, I'd have your H say something in a nice, non-accusatory manner to his dad.

cstyles · July 2011

You are better woman than I am because I think I would have lost it! Everyone in Dh's family spanks/pops/hits as discipline. I've made it very clear we won't be using this method of discipline and if someone decides to step in and use it for us, they will not be allowed around Coop in the future. This is a biggie for me (obviously). I think family is important and there are only a handful of things that someone could do that would make me limit my child's interaction with them...spanking is definetly one of them!

Why didn't your FIL just pick up your DS?

I would definetly have your DH say something to FIL, by not saying anything the first time, there is no way for FIL to know that you disagree with this form of discipline.

SeaMama · July 2011

cstyles:

You are better woman than I am because I think I would have lost it! Everyone in Dh's family spanks/pops/hits as discipline. I've made it very clear we won't be using this method of discipline and if someone decides to step in and use it for us, they will not be allowed around Coop in the future. This is a biggie for me (obviously). I think family is important and there are only a handful of things that someone could do that would make me limit my child's interaction with them...spanking is definetly one of them!

Why didn't your FIL just pick up your DS?

I would definetly have your DH say something to FIL, by not saying anything the first time, there is no way for FIL to know that you disagree with this form of discipline.

I am with you - it is SO not ok with me. He has NEVER done anything like this w/ DS before (that I know of!) so I was so surprised and shocked I didn't react. Plus I didn't see it, so I was kind of dumbfounded until later when I thought about it more and got really upset. Tonight DS was trying to hit DS2 (3 weeks old) and I asked him, "where did you learn about hitting?" and he said "grandpa". UGH. Heartbreaking. When I told DH about the incident he looked so upset that his dad did that. I guess I will ask him how he wants to handle it. I'm NOT ok with it at all.

Annie984 · July 2011

Well, I probably would have flipped. I might have said things I would later regret, but everyone would have known where I stood. :-P

Since you managed not to flip, I would let your DH handle it, but I would be sure it's very clear that this can never happen again.

sparkelz · July 2011

Annie984:

Well, I probably would have flipped. I might have said things I would later regret, but everyone would have known where I stood. :-P

Since you managed not to flip, I would let your DH handle it, but I would be sure it's very clear that this can never happen again.

All of this!

lkstor · July 2011

I don't think something like this needs to be handled by your husband. Of course you know your relationship with your in-laws better than we do... But I would have no problem speaking to my FIL in a situation like this. And something NEEDS to be said or it WILL happen again - probably without your knowledge.

anna7602 · July 2011

In all fairness, if you've never discussed discipline with your FIL before, I can see how maybe it was instinctive on your FIL's part. Maybe he just thought he was keeping your LO from getting burnt; I have no idea how close he got to the grill. Just have a conversation with him, either you or DH, depending on the relationship, saying it's not okay to do in the future and that you don't want any hitting/spanking/corporal punishment ever. And be prepared for the fact that if it was instinctual, it might be very hard for your FIL to follow your wishes (this is how my family is, at least).

hst · July 2011

This is tough, especially since you didn't see it. Maybe DS was reaching for it, and FIL slapped his hand away? Maybe not the right thing to do, but in the moment it's hard to say what one would do.

I really don't know what I would do, it's best to deal with it at the moment, and since the moment has passed it makes it even harder, (obviously), I would let your husband deal with it, at least in my family it usually best if I talk to my mom and DH talks to his parents.

Good luck.

WyoGal · July 2011

anna7602:
In all fairness, if you've never discussed discipline with your FIL before, I can see how maybe it was instinctive on your FIL's part. Maybe he just thought he was keeping your LO from getting burnt; I have no idea how close he got to the grill. Just have a conversation with him, either you or DH, depending on the relationship, saying it's not okay to do in the future and that you don't want any hitting/spanking/corporal punishment ever. And be prepared for the fact that if it was instinctual, it might be very hard for your FIL to follow your wishes (this is how my family is, at least).

This is exactly what I was thinking, but it's also because it's how my family is. If it were me, I'd go into the conversation giving the benefit of the doubt but still open a conversation about it.

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