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April 2011 Moms
Friends (childfree) giving advice/judgement
Does anyone else have friends trying to give baby advice even though they don't have children? Or feel that they are being judged by others for their parenting style?
I have an extremely fussy baby, she's been high need since she arrived and although it's getting a bit better - she's challenging. My "helpful" friend will question me why I don't try to put her down more often when she's sleeping... or why I don't let her cry it out a little when I put her to bed because she should be self soothing and putting herself to sleep.
I'm frustrated because I feel that I know my baby best and try to avoid letting her wind up and have a meltdown crying. She seems to cry harder and more intense if we leave her at all so I normally react fairly quickly to soothe her. I can't help but feel self doubt now that I "SHOULD" be doing things differently.
Anyone else feeling this judgment/frustration/advice from others and questioning themselves at times?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Friends (childfree) giving advice/judgement
Ahh! I could have written this myself! I feel constantly judged by every person in my/our parenting choices.
Even my parents & in-laws are always making little comments about how we should react or what we should do. Which irritates me sometimes because I feel like, in reality, they've forgotten what it's like to raise a BABY! Or my friends or relatives that have not had children yet... I also have a fussy baby, and I feel like everyone always blames the mom!
But I still question my judgment all the time. Sadly, I just don't know if that will ever go away....
Is it bad that I was pleased all the tips my MIL shares didn't work when she watched LO last week? Putting her down to sleep, soothers, pacing, bouncing on the ball... I felt like finally someone understood just how challenging she is... I am not making it up people!
I'll admit I was this person sometimes but because I was around some people who (this sounds awful) shouldn't have been trusted with children. As in former in-laws who had an apartment where one bedroom was the marijuana grow room, another room was the pet alligator's room, and then the next room was the baby's room. So, yeah. One time, the baby's dad was stoned (as always), and I kept saying, "I think he needs to be changed," and the dad just kept ignoring me... It totally pi**ed everyone else off, "You can't tell people how to take care of their kids," but maybe if they have a marijuana grow room and a pet alligator, someone should.
Other than that episode, I've never been pushy with other people's kids, but I consider myself a "problem-solver," so I'm the type of person to say, "Have you tried x, y, or z?" because I feel like I should try to help.
Mac and cheese lover!
The only person who had given us any parenting advice before DS was born was DH's bachelor friend. He said he knows because he's an uncle (who lives no where near his niece and nephew...)! Oh my goodness, I wanted to strangle him! Since then, it's all people who have kids giving me stupid sleep advice (mostly letting him cry it out) or safety advice I don't agree with. It doesn't make me second guess myself and I usually either ignore the person and just smile (if I don't know them well) or explain my viewpoints using the research I've done (which usually shuts them up, unless they pull out the good old, "well when I had kids that's how it was done, and they're just fine").
I actually don't really question anything I've done so far, I just wish I did more with DS. I have him 24/7, but I work, do volunteer work, and am the primary housekeeper, so I feel like I don't get as much one-on-one fun time with DS. Mommy guilt!
Sometimes, but I just try to remember it's coming from either a good place (they want to help) or from a place of just not getting it (they are annoyed by the baby crying and just want it to stop; I can understand that.)
I just tell them thank you, but I know DD and what works for her, and sometimes babies just fuss, etc. If they really push the issue I tell them to back off, simple as that. If they need to leave because they really cannot handle the simple reality of babies, then there it is. I don't take it personally, but I don't put up with it either.
I think it's important to avoid the "you'll see when you have children" or "you'll get it someday" statements. One, because I think it sounds smug, and two, because you never know who is struggling w/ IF or loss, and those comments can be like daggers.
After two losses, third time was a charm.
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As a mother of an extremely high needs baby I know what you mean.
I'm confident in my parenting capability and never second guess my decisions. I will fight anyone who demands that I let her cry it out- especially since (like you said) she will scream louder and longer if she doesn't get what she needs.
My favorite is when well meaning people suggest that I take her for a car ride. Most high needs babies HATE the carseat, so thanks for the worthless advice.
It will get better. In the meantime, hang on for dear life for the ride.