NBR: LONG...friend drama! (need advice)

abatkins · July 2011

I went to high school and have been friends with a girl for the past 15 years. We will call her Amy. She is an amazing girl (most of the time)...very giving, loving, and selfless although there always seems to be a price with it.

The problem is, I think Amy is still stuck in high school.

She lives in our hometown - a suburb of Dallas - and thinks that the earth starts and stops in this town. The town is very wealthy and snooty...always has been. I made my escape out of that "small town feel" and have lived in Dallas for the past 6 years. THANK GOODNESS!

Rewind to 6 years ago, I broke my ankle in 5 places and had to literally be taken care of by anyone that would help me. I was bed ridden for about 10 weeks and had physical therapy. Amy was one of my only friends that came over non-stop to help me: she bathed me, dressed me, cooked for me,and saw orifices of my body that no one in their right mind should! I have always felt indebted to her for this sacrifice.

Amy is one of those who talks about everyone behind their back (although I have truly never heard her say a bad thing about me). I typically just ignore it and think it's part of her insecurities. The negativity bothers me and has for years, but I live her in Dallas, and she lives 45 min. away in our hometown, so I don't see her near as much.

I included her in my wedding shower and named her Maid of Honor, and my sister in law as Matron of Honor. Well, that was a mistake. Amy always wants to be in the spotlight and the "top dog" and my sister in law is very over the top so it seemed like the two kept trying to outdo one another at the bridal shower. It was maddening. The whole experience was ruined for me because Amy kept calling and pitting me against my SIL. My SIL did nothing of the sort, and wanted to keep it drama free for me. She mentioned nothing of Amy until the very end when we had a heart to heart. Turns out, after Amy reported to all of our friends that she spent hundreds of dollars on the shower, that Amy only truly paid for the plastic wear.

I went back and forth on what to do. Do I dump her? Cut her out of my life? Certainly I don't want this behavior around my baby...but I truly only see her around special occasions or at my own efforts. We ask her and her husband to do dinner all the time and they decline because they never want to drive to meet us or even meet us halfway.

DH absolutely cannot stand her. Calls her a potstirrer, liar, and

As I have continued to watch the Casey Anthony trial in depth, my friend Amy actually has some of these same traits. Amy is a pathological liar, does things for attention, and makes up things that are so false and can be verified easily! She is almost in a dream world of illusions that she has designed.

She told everyone that she is getting a new Range Rover, a new diamond ring, and makes up things all the time, that we later verify are incorrect.

She has another best friend, name Stephanie and Stephanie and I have always been told to one another that the other dislikes each other. Meaning...Stephanie thinks I hate her and I think Stephanie hates me. Well, we had a long heart to heart about it and the same behaviors, lies, untruths, two-facedness exist in both friendships. Neither of us hate each other, but I guess Amy never wanted us to become close and "out" her.

Come to find out now, Amy has been lying to her husband about certain bills that haven't been paid, and even went and bought furniture on our friend's Rooms to Go credit account and has not made a payment since October when it was delivered. She lied to her husband and told her that her parents got it for them as a gift.

Fast forward to now - she and my SIL are hosting the baby shower with another friend, in a few weeks. Amy texted me and told me the invitations were adorable and then I heard from two others that she was bashing them - saying they weren't cute and she was furious that she wasn't listed as a hostess. (this is where the "I have to be in the spotlight" thing comes out. I only had an RSVP person listed on there - not hostesses.

Do I sit her down and talk to her about all of this? I mean, will it truly make a difference? It's almost like her behaviors are learned and are not going to change...after all, it's been since high school. We are both now 34 (which I can't even believe I am having to write this - EMBARRASSING!)

Or do I just fizzle her out of our lives? I don't want to create any drama and I know she will deny the lies and things. It won't do any good - she is not going to change.

Do I let her continue to throw the shower or create a huge wrinkle now?

I am so torn.

I honestly care about her and don't want any bad blood with her, but I am mentally exhausted from all of the immaturity and negativity. If people allow others to treat them with disrespect than they will continue to get walked on, and I feel as if I am condoning and enabling her behavior.

EmreighsMommy · July 2011

I have a friend since childhood, close to 16 years, that is the same exact way. Except, she will be my bff to my face but behind my back, she trashes me. However, when I need her, she's there, etc. For years, I just dealt with it. I confronted her a few times, she denied it, called everyone else liars,... Even to their faces!, and then just continued her ways. Everyone has always asked me why I deal with her, why do I let her treat me this way, etc. I guess after so many years, you feel obligated. Of course I truly care about her and I don't want to lose a friendship, but this baby has made me realize that she isn't being my friend. She makes a lot of nasty comments about me having a baby and how she feels sorry for me,etc. After some time, I just gradually cut of contact with her. Every now and then, I will text her and ask how she is, general small talk, but that's it. She causes me way too much stress and that's just not what I need in my life right now or ever really. So I guess my advice to you is to keep the peace but slowly back off. My friend would call me every day to do this or do that with her, and I would sometimes honestly not feel well and tell her I couldn't, or I would (blush) make excuses of why i couldn't. Eventually, she got the hint and has pretty much left me alone. I refuse to cut all ties with her and act like I don't know her or hate her, but I also refuse to let her cause this drama in my life any longer. So like I said, I keep the lines of communication open with her but that's about it. Needless to say, the stress level in my life has dropped dramatically without her in it.

Ben&Linz · July 2011

hmmm...kind of a tough one. I have had a couple friends like this and I have just kinda "fizzled" them out. I stopped inviting them to things and stopped trying to hang out with them. If they wanted to see me, then they can contact me and make the arrangements. (I would always try and something similar to what you said would always happen...they didnt want to drive as far, they had something come up, etc). Obviously, she still means something to you or you wouldnt be so torn about what to do. There is nothing that says you cannot be her friend and be there for her when she needs it, but that doesnt meand she needs to be involved in your everyday life. If you are truely worried about her putting a drama wrinkle in your baby shower, I would confront her. Tell her something like "believe it or not, this day is not about you and I dont want any drama. If you cannot handle this then you dont have to come" I dont know, its a tough situation. But when it comes down to it you need to do what you feel is best for you and your family. GL!!!

waitingfornoah · July 2011

I'm willing to bet almost every one of us on here has had a friend kind of like this, including me. This friend loved to win over peoples favor even at the expense of hurt feelings (i.e. trying to hang out with my friends without telling me that I had introduced her to, even once trying to win over my father's affection because he's so awesome by jumping on him and giving him a big, inappropriate hug....can we say awkward?). And she lied. A lot. And talked bad about a lot of people she probably had no right to do.

Anyway, to skip over catty details, last December I caught her lying to me about something that was a very big deal to me so that's when I said, Enough. I tried to just fade her out but she wasn't understanding so I had to tell her that I wanted some time a part for a while to think about some things (she knew I was upset about the lying). Of course, I was made to be the one to blame, but that's okay. She's out of my life now and my life has been so much less stressful.

The next month in January I found out that I was pregnant (yay!). And I was really happy with the choice I made not having her in my life anymore. Because she tried so hard to win my friends, even my families favor over me, I wouldn't have put it past her to do that with my soon to be son, and THAT would be a very ugly end to a friendship! In a way I feel like I chose my baby over our friendship because she's someone I don't want my son looking up to.

So, my point here is to think about how she'll influence your little one. Try to fade her out a little, or if youre strong enough to, sit her down and talk to her about everything. Protect your LO by telling her you cant have that negative energy around the baby or he/she learning bad habits as they grow.

Keep us posted!!

abatkins · July 2011

Thank you all so much!!
I honestly do care about the girl and don't want to hurt her. I will just have to sit her down and mention some of my frustrations calmly. Open honesty sometimes works best. Maybe it will even bring us closer together...and if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

efsNYC13 · July 2011

It sounds like she is unlikely to change, unfortunately. We've all had friends like this. My hesitation in confronting someone like this is the potential for them to become very destructive towards you and any of your other relationships if they know your friends/family. In an ideal world, you could talk and things would improve. I have a less severe version of this ongoing (unfortuantely a friend also involved in planning my shower who seems to be saying things about other people in an attempt to disrupt my relationships with them) and I am slowly letting the friendship fade.

Best of luck. Its very hard to realize this about a friend.

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