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October 2011 Moms
EarthMommi1
member
Will you spank?
EarthMommi1
member
As first time parents, DH and I have recently started to discuss how we will punish our children and teach life lessons.
My questions to the board are:
For first time parents:
Have you discussed this with your SO?
What are your plans for punishment?
Will you spank or do you have other methods you will be using?
For second or greater parents:
What is your current method of punishment?
Have you spanked?
How do you and your SO balance the parenting responsibilities when it comes to punishment? For example does only one parent implement the said punishment and does the other agree with it, or does it seem you both collaboratively decide the punishment and both stick to your guns?
and... GO.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Will you spank?
I do not judge others for spanking, but I know myself and if I'm gonna hit it's because I have lost all control. We will not spank and god help my FIL if he spanks "Because boys need it." *shakes head*
Anyway, DH and I have discussed it at length and he is on board with me now. I think we are going to have to make punishments up as we go, outside of time outs. The absolute WORST punishment I ever got as a kid was to have to wait until after noon to go out and play. My brother and I would sit in our rooms and watch all the kids play in the common area behind our house. We also were not allowed to play with or talk to each other.
I'll start
Have you discussed this with your SO? Yes, DH and I have been on the fence lately about how we will punish, what is considered acceptable. Also, in this conversation how we were punished as children was repeatedly brought up. Both DH and I were spanked, if we did something that our parents thought was deserving. DH was only spanked with hands, on the bottom. I however, was spanked on the bottom (firm but lightly..) with a belt usually from my father. Punishment in my home growing up meant waiting until Dad came home to enforce it.
What are your plans for punishment? I think that as first time parents, we can't really say what all of our plans for punishment are as it will be widely based on circumstances. I'm not sure how I feel about parents implementing punishment without the other deciding. I pretty much feel that it should be a collaborative decision by both parents.
Will you spank or do you have other methods you will be using? I think again given the circumstance we may spank, of course lightly on the bottom, but still firm enough to know we are serious. However, only in a situation that we feel needs more extreme punishment, such as running into the road when they were asked to stop. Something along those lines. Spilled milk or little things? No. Will we try to use alternate methods such as taking away favorite toys and activities first, yes, always.
This is a great answer
Where is your "time out chair" do you keep it in a common area of the home or is in a quiet spot?
For second or greater parents:
What is your current method of punishment? DD is a bit young for punishment but if she is having an out of control tantrum she goes to her crib until she calms down. She loves her crib and it is a safe place for her so it allows her a moment to pull herself together.
Have you spanked? No. I am not opposed to it but not as punishment more of a "This kid is out of control and in a possibly dangerous situation and I need to get their attention fast" situation. I think there is a delicate age range this is appropriate in. I don't see the point in dragging someone off to their bedroom for a spaking well after the fact.
How do you and your SO balance the parenting responsibilities when it comes to punishment? For example does only one parent implement the said punishment and does the other agree with it, or does it seem you both collaboratively decide the punishment and both stick to your guns? Whoever witness it deals with it. Right now things are pretty simple and we are on the same page about how to handle these things.
after anovulatory diagnosis and TTC for 1 1/2yrs with several medicated cycles and one chemical pregnancy, we have our first bundle of joy!
IT'S A GIRL!
#2 EDD 2/5/13 dx with anti-BIG E antibody, seeing a MFM
I don't take one single minute for granted.
I'm not trying to be an as$ here, but, what if spanking doesnt work? What if the behavior continues. A spanking does not mean that the child will stop or will never do the thing which you are trying to teach him not to do again.
For first time parents:
Have you discussed this with your SO? Yep, I've told him that I don't want to be the only parent disciplining our children. I was spanked and felt like I turned out pretty great :-)
What are your plans for punishment? We plan to talk to the child regarding the problem and if it's something that needs to be corrected immediately (for instance, they are about to run in the street) then a smack on the bottom to get their attention to not do that because it is dangerous. Otherwise my dad always did the "Nose on the wall" thing... if we weren't listening or being bad we would have to put our nose on the wall (since there is a wall everywhere). As big as a pain as it may be, I also believe that you need to remove the kid from the situation (ie. a tantrum in a store, leave the store).
Will you spank or do you have other methods you will be using? A combination dependingon the infraction.
All this is easier said than done... so we'll see once we're in the situation. But I definately plan to discipline our children and teach them to respect their elders.
Well my kids are older-would you spank a 13 year old bigger than you? LOL My Ex-Husband used to spank occasionally and I didn't agree with it overall because I found it to make things worse in the end. I believe it eventually added to my son's temper when my ex yelled at him and disciplined him with spanking. Now that he is older he also deals with anger by shouting and has punched the walls in his room at times. For my son personally I believe it is best to give him consequesces and circumstances that make him think about is actions. We do the same with my daughter but she has never had to be spanked-she doesn't really have a temper. Every kid is different.
Our next LO will be raised with time-outs and consequesnces that are directly related to his actions.
The one thing I have learned is that parents need to be on the same team or everything falls apart. I was not on the same team as my ex-H (bc we didn't make a good team) but my new Husband and I have very similar views on parenting and we work together very well:)
We have a 17 month old DS. We try other things to discipline first : say no, remove them from the situation or remove the thing they are after, time-out. We have swatted hands (he just laughs) and we have swatted him on the butt before. Usually the other methods work, but occassionally he needs the swat to get him to understand.
My DH and I differ on what is ok when it comes to spanking as our children get older. We discuss it often and since I am the one who will end up doing most of the disciplining (SAHM) he is changing his views a little. At his house growing up there was a lot of "wait till your father gets home" and then he would/could be spanked with a belt or wooden spoon. (I personally do not agree with either of those methods of spanking). At my house, mom handled it. We were "swatted" on our butts when we were little, but mostly time-outs or removal from situation. As an older child I only can recall ONE time of being spanked.
As PP have said discuss with your DH, make sure you are on the same page and do what works for your family. ABOVE ALL - BE CONSISTENT and FOLLOW THROUGH.
Well what other punishments do not always work? Who is to say time out will be just as effective as spanking? I'm not trying to be argumentative but I have to agree with Jiffy, because what works for one child may not work for another. Parenting styles are different, and how you enforce rules in your household are different.
As jiffy said, I thik everything is based on circumstances. That being said, having a consistent regimen is probably just as important. Spanking for running in the road once is fine. Time out for the second time the child runs in the road leaves an inconsistency and variation in punishment that perhaps could be more confusing.
For first time parents:
Have you discussed this with your SO? I have discussed this with DH, and we agree that spanking is not off of the table. We both were spanked as children (well, I think I was beat..lol) and so we both know what ramifications are involved. DH is a pretty big guy though, so he was pretty much unspankable at an early age. That being said, if our kids turn out to be his size, then spanking may not even come into play.
What are your plans for punishment? Diversion when they are little, time out when they are older. I swift rap on the hand or tush to get their attention if waranted as well, however, I'm a real softee so I doubt I'll do that until I've been pushed BEYOND.
Will you spank or do you have other methods you will be using? It depends on what you consider spanking. I think that a swat to the bottom or hand is sufficient to get attention, repeated hits with a belt or hand (at this point) seems a little extreme. I'd rather guide with non-physical reprecussions. Other than that, the methods listed above of removing the child from the situation will be what I will probably rely on most.
Wow - I am actually shocked.
To answer the question - no, I won't hit my children.
My point is that many people say that it will be used as a last resort, as did this poster, and if that last physical resort doesn't work then what? In my first post, I already said that I do not judge others for spanking. I am just curious to know what one may do if they find that the punishment that seems the most offensive (by their standards because it is their last resort) does not, infact, work.
I am a FTM. I don't have any problems with spanking, I was spanked and I turned out pretty respectful (eye blinks and shoulder twitches, hehe).
My DH agrees, no issue spanking, but we both agree it should never be in excess or in public. The goal is not to humiliate but to discipline.
As for the rest of the questions I dont think that they can be reasonably answered until the situation presents itself. This is my opinion and I may be way off due to no prior experience, but I think that the method of punishment depends on the child. While some react to spanking, some react better to time out or putting toys up or things like that.
So DH and I are going to wait and see. I guess it will be trial and error. But I can almost guarantee that there will be some counting till 3 in there
I'm glad you mentioned swatting hands, as I honesty forgot about this and it brings up something DH and I should add to our discussion.
As a child, I dreaded waiting for my father to come home to implement said punishment. However, while I waited i did have time to think about what I did wrong and form an apology. I think my parents did it this way so they could discuss our punishement together before implementing.
I just do not know if waiting for the other spouse to get home would be very successful punishment for a child that can not do cognitive thinking yet. For example a 6 year old probably will forget about what he/she did wrong in a few hours, in that case punishment should be at the time of the deed. A 10 year old can probably think about the wrong doing and process it for awhile.
It's ok, I don't take offense. You could really say that about any form of punishment...What if this or that doesn't work?....well, I'll just have to find something that does. Of course the child will probably do it again after a period of time in which case I will have to be consistent in each instance with whatever punishment works and hopefully, eventually the child will get on the learning curve and continue to do it less and less until that problem isn't an issue anymore.
As a child, I was spanked very few times because usually the threat of a spanking solved the problem. If I did push it that far to see if I could get my way, my mom followed through with her threat. That taught me that I wasn't going to get my way no matter how hard I pushed.
after anovulatory diagnosis and TTC for 1 1/2yrs with several medicated cycles and one chemical pregnancy, we have our first bundle of joy!
IT'S A GIRL!
#2 EDD 2/5/13 dx with anti-BIG E antibody, seeing a MFM
I don't take one single minute for granted.
I was spanked as a kid but DH and I decided not to spank. Our reasoning is I think spanking has little effect. It doesn't have anything to do with the misbehavior and doesn't provide anything positive. I honestly don't remember being spanked or what I did to get spanked. The punishments I remember were time-out or having privileges/ toys taken away. Those types of punishments can directly relate to the misbehavior and they provide a goal for the child to reach for to earn them back. I just feel that spanking isn't as effective in the long run as other consequences would be (although I don't think there is anything wrong with it if it's what you want to do!). Just my thoughts
For first time parents:
Have you discussed this with your SO? We haven't really dicussed it at length, but I think we will pretty much agree on what we're going to do.
What are your plans for punishment? It just kind of depends. I agree with a previous person on swatting hands. It's really just about being consistent and making sure your child understands their punishment.
Will you spank or do you have other methods you will be using? I really don't see anything wrong with spanking, as long as you take time to calm yourself down before getting too out of hand. Consistency is all I can say.
As a PP said, I was spanked as a child and whenever I get spanked for doing something, I never did it again. So it must work, but every child is different. What works for one child may not work for another.
Our time-out chair is in a quiet spot in the house. We don't want him to have any stimulation during time-out (ie. tv, people walking around, etc.) so it is in a corner in the upper level hallway.
We do not and will not spank.
We haven't really had to start disciplining DS yet (he just turned 2), but use redirection when necessary, which usually works. We will start time-out when it becomes appropriate to do so.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-resilience/201009/spanking-makes-kids-more-aggressive-the-research-is-clear