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August 2011 Moms
whitney1170
member
Help me list Pros and Cons (long)
whitney1170
member
MIL has offered to be our primary care for the baby. Primary meaning 2 or 3 days a week, in our home, adjusting to our crazy schedule. I love MIL, but she can actually be quite high maintenance. I think it's great she offered, and I'm still hating the idea of daycare centers while LO is an infant.
I need help listing pros and cons to having a family member watch LO. I feel like now that I'm making the list, I can't remember any!! All of this will be discussed with her beforehand, I just want my list ready!
Pros so far:
Easy feeding, no packing diaper bag
Easy napping, she'll be in her home, her own bed
No pick up/drop off schedules for me or DH
Cons:
She lives almost 40 mins away
Slightly unrealiable transportation during winter months (she drives a mustang)
DH works midnights every other month, she would have to be relatively quiet and she's not a quiet person by nature
I feel like her days w/LO will be used for social hours with her friends (this could also be me being a little bit of a control freak)
Not sure how to work out her travelling w/LO, with the mustang
Concerned she won't want to take her on weekends as often
Thanks if you made it this far, and if you had any of your own!
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Re: Help me list Pros and Cons (long)
Pro = It's free.
Con = Nothing's ever really free. Is your MIL the type to hold this over your head for the rest of your life?
BFP 12/4/2010
Baby Maryn was born 8/18/11
wow good one. We actually offered to pay her since she'll either be quitting her job or going to on-call or PT. It's waaay cheaper than daycare, but that's an excellent question. I can see that down the road "Well just remember who raised your child in the beginning..."
Pro= it's one on one care and it reduces exposure to other people/kids
Con=As someone whose MIL watches her kids, it can cause tension. I also hate that she acts like she knows my kids better than I do. It sounds petty, but it pisses me off.
Max born July 25
Big sisters Alex and Layla
Pro:
Care you can trust** This is huge for me
Con:
The Mustang thing is a real issue for me.. I guess it really depends on where you live.. but I spun off the highway and down an embankment last winter in my Mustang and it freaked me out! If I had gone off the highway front first (I went down rear) I would have been seriously injured. I plan on buying another vehicle before the first snow this winter. (Not a deal breaker though)
This is HUGE for me. I am going back and forth with myself feeling like a control freak who needs to get over it, and knowing that it's probably not all me. What else you got for me as far as MIL watching kids?
My DD is two and she never takes her out. I try to get her to take her to story time and she won't. I would yell at DH and he would talk to her, but it didn't make a difference. This caused issues with DH because I felt like I couldn't yell at MIL. I think if you are able to be direct and tell her exactly what you expect than that is good. My MIL is super stubborn and she is going to do what she is going to do.
Now, I feel like I am a lot more quick tempered with her. We used to have a good relationship, now it's not the same.
We also have other issues beyond day care. She lost her job and we are supporting her financially totally. She watched DD in exchange for us paying all of her bills, so I think that puts a big strain on everything.
Hope this isn't too negative. I must say, no one loves DD more than she does (besides DH and I) so I know that DD is being taken care of.
Max born July 25
Big sisters Alex and Layla
Pro - a family member you can trust is a huge pro to me.. rather than some random person getting paid to look after your child at daycare center. My friend went to look at day care options and said when she walked in one there were a line of cribs and infants just bawling with no one to pick them up! I think a family member who loves them is a huge pro.
Cons - I can see conflicts arrising since it is a family member and if you don't agree with something they're doing... also them thinking they know DS/DD better than you would bug me.
I don't care if I absolutely ADORED my mil, I think family members watching your kids is always a bad idea. I wouldn't even want to ask that of my mom. (And I think she'd probably actually like to watch the kids if she lived closer!)
And, like a pp said...nothing is ever free. I think you'd be much, much happier finding a day care provider you liked and paying for it. Plus, it's a lot more reliable.
Also, caring for an infant/newborn is a completely different ball game from when they hit the mobile stage. My future in mil used to watch DD for a day here and there (we use a day care) and it was no trouble when she was a little infant. As soon as they become mobile it requires a lot more energy to watch them. Now that DD is starting to walk it's pure craziness! Do you think your mil is cut out for that?
I'm not sure, she's pretty active (kind of a "partier") even though she's almost 60. I like to think that once she is mobile, I'll probably put her in an actual daycare. Somewhere b/w ages 1-2 where she can be active with other babies and not with "grandma".
I am definitely still on the fence about family members being primary care providers. I would love if my mom could, but then DH would probably feel the way I'm feeling now lol. It seems like it can get so sticky!
this!
However; i'm glad i have my MIL watch ds. He gets to do a lot of fun things and see his cousins all the time and it's free
Pro = It's free
Cons =
1) Your child will not be exposed to any more children. While this is fine when they are tiny, once they hit toddler stage they will have a need to be around more children and learn to be more social. Unless she decides to take the baby out on many "mom and me" meetups or outings with other children, this could pose as an issue later on.
2) She may hold this over your head one day, or it could cause family tension.
3) If your MIL does something you don't approve of, you can't just fire her. If you do tell her you are taking your child elsewhere, it could cause some MAJOR family drama. Make sure you really lay down the law before she watches your child.
This is dead on. My Mom watches my kids and it is very hard when I do not like something.
This is a big one for me. As an infant yes, I understand 1 on 1 attention is great, but by the time they are 12 months or so, I really want my LO in a learning environment. My friends child also went to a center around that time and said she was trying all kinds of activities and foods that she never would have tried if she was at home with one on one care.
I would think about putting some stipulations on the agreement. Such as every 6 months everyone will sit down and discuss what is working/not working and changes to be made if the arrangement is to continue. I would think about how you will end this arrangement without hurting her feelings.
This is very good advice, thank you. I'll make sure we do that if we decide to use her! She's definitley not a "my feelings are hurt" type of person, you can be honest with her which is good, but I still see where drama can be put in or things being taken out of context.
I am going to use day-care or a nanny, but not until the child is 6 months old. I used to do nanny work, and I think it is too much stress on the parents and the unrelated care-giver to hand over a child under the age of 6 months.
I have a similar agreement with my sister. There will be a 2 month period were me and my husband will have to both work before our son is 6 months, so one of my younger sisters will fly in to help us take care of the child. With that said I explained to my sister that yes, I will be a controlling mommy-like ***, and all decisions on how to take care of the kid go through me. Its an easier situation because she is younger than me so the older sister, younger sister dynamic makes it easier for me to be authorative.
I think that having your MIL help is a great idea, but I would put a time limit on how long you need her help. You should actually sit down with her before and write down what you expect. You can always disguise this as a need to know your child's schedule, so when you and your husband take care of your kid you will not confuse his/her rhythm.
Can you propose a "trial" period?
Both sides can re-access if things are working out. You may be unhappy or she may be unhappy. If you agree ahead of time it'll force that evaluation and conversation.
That is what we are planning with my MIL. I think both MIL & I are excited about her caring for our daughter, but neither want to end up with negative memories of the experience.