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Upstate NY Babies
Vent
Ugh - Evan does not like his OT sessions. Sometimes she shows up with some fun stuff that he likes and sometimes not. Today she had a fishing game which he played with but then he wants to move on and he REFUSES to help clean up the game before he can start the next thing. Like he cries and yells and we basically ignore him until he comes back (she says it's just the typical two year old power struggle) and when he comes back he REFUSES to grab one single fish to put back in the box. Even when we put one in his hand, squeeze his hand and let go so it drops in the box...he cries the whole time. It's awful. He does not do thing with his other teachers...it's not like he loooooves to clean up. But he tolerates it a lot more. He talks to his OT and tells her stories...but whenever she makes him do something he doesn't want to do it's like WWIII.
He is just SO different when she is here. She obviously makes him do things that we don't...I don't make him pick up toys here. I guess I should start but I just don't think of it when the time is right. She is a lot stricter with him than we are. We consider him pretty well behaved - when we say it's time for bed he runs to the stairs and waits for us. BUT we don't force him to do things, either. Like sit in a shopping cart (although we have been doing more of this now that Leah wants to get out too)...I mean, using that as an example - say your kid wants to get out of the shopping cart and you try everything you can to keep him occupied - which lasts only so long. Do you just belt him in and see if he screams? And just keep him in there if he does? Cause we don't. We let him out.
When she leaves I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
DH thinks that he's just a little boy that doesn't want to sit for 30 minutes doing educational things. We just don't know what is "normal two and a half year old BOY attention span" and what is a problem we should be really working on a lot more.
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Re: Vent
I would think that most of that has to do with his age, but I can understand how it must be frustrating. And you said he doesn't do this with the other teachers. Maybe he doesn't care for her as much. Are the other teachers strict? You said he's normally well behaved so I wouldn't be too concerned.
I always get so worried when Justin is being a little pip in front of others. I have to keep reminding myself that he's 3. I guess I always worry that people are judging my parenting skills. As far as the shopping goes.....I tend to give in more than my husband. Justin does not like to sit in a cart unless it's one of the carts that looks like a car. If Justin starts to throw a fit because he wants to walk I usually give in so we don't cause a scene. My dh would be the one to try to stand his ground a little longer. I sort of feel like you should pick your battles and that's not one I would choose to fight out in public, unless I was worried about his safety and felt he should be in the cart. In that case I would just leave the store if he was screaming to get out.
Is OT one of his weaker areas? With the kids I've seen, they tend to put up more of a protest when they start realizing things are hard for them, so they want to avoid those tasks like the plague. So, 30 minutes will seem like 3 hours in everyone's eyes. Maybe to help things along, you can introduce toy pickup as he's "helping Mommy". Praise him for being a good helper when he complies. Now that Ian's a little older, we've started having him pick up one set of toys when he moves on to something else. It helps to control the chaos that is our living room, and hopefully it's teaching him to be more careful with his toys.
If Ian pitches a fit about wanting out of the cart, I let him out, but I also tell him that if he doesn't stay close, he goes right back in. I usually give him a warning, and if continues to be a wild man, he's back in. And yes, I let him scream. Just hurry up with the shopping and try to distract him, and when all else fails, he loses privileges at home (usually related to watching his "shows" before bed).
I'm sure she sees worse behavior than not picking up toys. Don't feel like you're doing everything wrong. He's frustrated so I'm sure his behavior is normal.
I always tell DH "pick your battles" just like a pp said. I let him get away with more at home than I would in public. I think it's all about expectations. Kids need to learn how to act in social/public settings. From day 1 we've always brought Justin out to restaurants/stores/vacations and we get SO many compliments on his behavior. The grandma's are constantly telling us, "oh just let him ____, it's ok, he's only 2". We don't want him to pick up those habits.
The cart thing for example; I've had him yell that he wanted to get out and walk, then scream/cry about it. Of course I felt bad and was sweating buckets while everyone stared at me- but he has never asked again since. I've seen the results of not putting your foot down with my nieces and nephews and it has been shock therapy for DH and I.
This may be flameworthy but I'll confess- We don't really spank or discipline physically but DH will "bif" (or flick, whatever) Justin when he's bad. Like if he's throwing a fit or being spicy about something in the store- he gets a nice warning (stop asking for ice cream Justin, we have ice cream at home), then a firm warning (mommy said stop asking. Knock it off or you will be in big trouble) and then finally a bif on the hand. Is it perfect? No way but I can't handle bratty kids in public.
I think a lot of it is just typical 2 year old behavior. We just started teaching Evan to pick up, and I make a game out of it. We sing a little song, or sometimes I tell him it's a "race" to see how fast we can put all the toys in the box. (racing is his new favorite thing, so it works well with him!)
Sometimes I let him walk in a store, and help me push the cart, especially if I'm just running in to grab a few things... it helps him run out some energy, and I've been working on teaching him staying near me when we shop. He knows if he tries to run off or doesn't listen he'll have to go in the cart, so he's pretty good. But most times he is in the cart... it would take me all day to grocery shop if he walked! If he pitches a fit about it, then it's usually short lived and once I tell him he has to be a good boy in the store he calms down (most times!) I always bring something to keep him entertained/occupied in the store. Whether it's a toy, my keys/phone or a snack.
We haven't really talked about whether we will spank or not. We do time-outs and they do seem to work. We have done them while we are outside if Evan tries to run towards the road or in a neighbors yard. He is really well behaved in the normal things we do every day. We have given him the "job" of turning on and off his and Leah's noise machines before and after sleeps...we ask him and he runs right to it.
I think we need to create situations where we can sort of predict that he will want to do one thing - but make him do the other. I don't think we are pushovers, really...but we probably avoid situations to take the easy way out. I don't care if DH and Evan run around while the girls shop. But when we DO want him to sit...he obv already feels like he doesn't have to.
I will say - that I shudder when I see parents yelling at their kids in pubic. I am not and will not be that parent that is screaming NO!! and making strangers stop in their tracks. I can't stand barking parents and do think that a kid is a kid and they don't need to "perform" in front of people. But I don't want a bratty kid either.
So I don't know...I guess I need to put a lot of thought into this. I think we need to be a little more strict and push him out of his comfort zone a little...asserting our parental roles or something.
Oh - and to the "clean up" stuff. We have done EVERYTHING...singing, games, racing, etc....and he does like when his one teacher does it. His ST doesn't make him do anything he doesn't want to do so of course he likes her. But his OT REALLY pushes his buttons.
And yep - he struggles with sensory stuff so he isn't the greatest when she is trying to get him to do that. But she also brings tunnels and he has a ball with those.
It just looks like she is making him do some things that he just does NOT want to...and it really brings us to a huge power struggle with him. His teacher came 45 minutes after the OT left and he did fine with her.
Ugh. I dread these OT sessions.
I struggle with whats "normal" behavior too- the cart is a perfect example for us too- and sometime it depends on me (which I guess isnt the best thing)- if I am running in for something quick I will let him walk next to me and "help" if its a long trip I would put him in the cart. If he flips out- I keep him in and let him know heneeds to sit- if he keeps it up we leave...
I , too, have been taking Lorenzo out to eat, etc since day one but dude, is acting out and wanting to explore more- so I see our days being numbered with this for a little bit (unless mrswhite shares her secret)
Maybe E reacts because he doesnt necessarily like the sessions as much as other teaching sessions.
haha- I credit DH. He is really strict with Justin. He has had "the look" since Justin was born. On the other hand, he is a super-fun-wrestle-and-play-video-games kinda dad at home so it's a good balance.
Plus, Justin is obsessed with me being happy. He asks if I'm happy 10x a day. So I always give him tons of positive reinforcement, like I'll whisper in his ear, "you're sitting so nice, eating your dinner, you make mommy sooooo happy" and kiss him. He just eats it up.
Yep - we took Evan out to eat all the time too...it was fine until it just stopped being fine. Evan started to really put up a fight about sitting for that long we would walk him around and show him things. In hindsight would we have let him pitch a fit and let him ruin everyone else's meal to "train" him knowing that now we can't even go out? No! So I guess that the choice we made and now we are stuck with it. Although - we tried to go out a few weeks ago...and Evan was ok at times but Leah was fine...and she NEVER went out to eat. So, again, all kids are different.
I just feel bad that I think this is so darn hard sometimes. I hate that I have to analyze every single decision like whether or not to force my kid to sit in a stupid shopping cart.
This is my DH too... all he has to do is look at Evan and he stops doing whatever bad behavior. The other day Evan decided he wanted to jump on the couch (which he's never done before) all day I kept having to take him off the couch, tell him he couldn't do that, put him in time-out etc... it was a tantrum throwing fit every time. DH got home from work and E stood on the couch and as soon as my husband looked at him, Evan sat his butt on the couch and said "sorry daddy"
I would ask for a different OT. Though, OTs can be difficult to come by. It isn't the OT's job to teach E disapline and behaviors, it is his special instruction teacher. His OT's job is to teach OT skills and keep his interest in those skills for the time frame of his therapy. Of course the behavior stuff should over lap with the other therapists, but if she is the only one he is giving such a hard time with, it just sounds like she isn't on the same page! I also wonder about the ignoring, Ty's behavior with his SI teacher could be very questionable at times. Sometimes Ty would scream/cry 28 out of the 30 minute session, but never was he ignored! I didn't care much for the SI and it was very hard to watch but what you are discribing sounds different. His SI also always made a point to bring at least one of his favorite activities for the end as an incentive to get through the other activities that he hated. Is she doing activities to that "put him together" in the begining of his sessions? Stuff like a body socks, brushing, jumping or joint compressions?
As for the grocery cart, I don't know how people can keep their kids buckled in during a tantrum and keep them safe. First, both my kids are able to stand in the cart while still buckled then remove the belt. I have tried tightening the belt as tight as it would be but they can still both stand up in the cart, and they do it quick! So it because safer just to left them out.
oh, I would NEVER let it get to that point. Evan knows that if he doesn't behave we will go home (I've never actually done it, but said it many times) If he even tries to climb out on his own he gets in trouble... and I never even use the buckle, because half of the time they are broken or don't fit right anyway!
oh, believe me, they do their fair share of wrestling too!
I just fear him jumping on the couch/bed because he fell off a few weeks ago and almost went head first on the hardwood (I caught him by the arm, and though I dislocated his shoulder!)
Or their favorite thing to do everyday when DH gets home from work everyday is H tosses Evan across the room into a pile of pillows on our bed... which gives me a heart attack every time! Boys will be boys I guess, huh?!
I'm right there with you, sister!
Haha! Gotta love daddy time. Last night when I tucked Justin in he asked me to give his teddy bear "the body bomb"... maybe they are wrestling a little too much.
Who exactly do you think is coming this "superior parent" conclusion? I feel like you're being a little passive aggressive here to be honest. Maybe I'm over reacting but I feel like it's aimed at me b/c I was talking positively about how we discipline and praising J's good behavior.
I agree that kids are different and we shouldn't compare but I know personally I can't help it. We can't deny we all have strengths and weaknesses- that's why I come to the board. I feel like our experiences out with Justin is kind of my "strong point" so I offer my views/experiences. I think the OP is an awesome mom so I would never want to seem like I was making myself seem superior to her. To admit when I suck at things and get advice from ladies with experience or better ideas. I KNOW I'm not superior or I wouldn't have so many whines or "how do I" posts...
I think this is a perfect example of children being different, parenting styles being different, etc. Gavin's had to clean up his toys for a long time now. For the past 6 or 7 months, all the bins in the toy room have even been labeled with pictures so he knows exactly where they go. We're pretty strict about him putting toys away before getting more out, leaving the house, having dinner, etc.
The cart thing - I will let G walk next to the cart, but he has to be holding the cart. If he doesn't he gets right back in. I am constantly praising the behavior I see that I want, and will tell him how he's sitting exactly how I need him to and how much I love it, etc. And every once in a while I will surprise him after a trip to the store and tell him he was such a good boy he can pick a movie from the Redbox, or get a chocolate milk, etc. (Chocolate milk is a huge reward for him...he's only had it a few times so he thinks that's really cool.)
Very true!! My Step-Mother said to me the other day that "the real parenting begins now." Boy was she right. You don't realize how easy infants are until your LO's start to grow up. Of course there are things that are difficult with infants (sleep issues, feeding issues, etc.) but there is no disciplining and real decision making involved at that point.
Oh ok b/c I would NEVER pass that kind of judgement to kids/moms I only know through a message board. I can not imagine all the things you go through with Ty. Raising kids without autism behaviors is darn near impossible somedays- your life sounds exhausting. I am with my nieces/nephews several times a week and I know their fits are not due to a diagnosed disorder, it's because they NEVER hear no.