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Upstate NY Babies
ArcticFox
member
Girlfriend = "grandma"
ArcticFox
member
We had my FIL and his girlfriend over for a BBQ on July 4th.
FIL has been going out with her a couple years (2-3? I don't even know because he never brought it up until DH randomly met her). She has been invited over plenty of times, but the first time we met her was in March for DD's bday party. I know she bought a lot of gifts for the kids over the years, because FIL would come over with nice stuff, which is totally not something he does. I feel like she's tried to be involved, but I've only met her for about 1 hr at DD's party and about 3 hours at the BBQ.
Anyway like an hour into the BBQ she says to DD and I, that DD can call her "Grandma". I can understand her wanting to be a part of our lives, but I thought it was maybe a little early for that. I can see her point of view, probably hearing stories and seeing pics of the kids for several years and not being included, but making a really nice effort. It's hard to explain, but my FIL makes little to no effort to be a grandparent, and he even goes out of his way to avoid things (like never having the gf over, or saying he's coming to DD's party but showing up 5 minutes after the party ends to avoid any social interaction.
Thoughts? Would you be comfortable with your kids calling someone grandma that they spent only a couple hours with? This is all new to me, we have been very welcoming to the gf, she just hasn't been a part of things until just now.
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Re: Girlfriend = "grandma"
Well, the way I see it from your posts (and feel free to completely disregard bc I don't really know the whole situation and am not in it) - your FIL isn't really harmful/dangerous, he is just inconsiderate and not reliable and selfish. But from this post it seems like the gf is stable with him - been going out a few years - and can only help your FIL's relationship with your daughters. She is the one who seems to make an effort. So I would be ok having them call her grandma. Maybe it would even further encourage her to keep close with the girls and in turn your FIL be close to them too? If they got married tomorrow, you would have the girls call her grandma (or some form of grandma), right?
For me, I feel like adults that don't have rotating serial relationships, it is ok to call their significant other aunt or uncle or grandma or grandpa. My 60 yr old uncle has never been married, but has been dating someone for years, and so I have dd call her Aunt Nancy. And dd has only known my sister's fiance (they are getting married in August) as Uncle Ryan, even though neither of these relationships are "legal".
Different situation but I've met my MIL a total of about 6 times since about 2005. Her husband (her third) I've interacted with less. Before they came here I asked DH what he wanted DD to call Step FIL as DH never grew up with him or anything and only met him a handful more times then me. His answer? Tom. I didn't think it was appropriate but he isn't really a grandfather to her. I decided it was easier to call him "Grandpa (last name)" to avoid hurt feelings by my MIL. It sort of kills me but as much as we see them, it's not that big of a deal.
I agree with JNK too...if this "Grandmother" might be able to keep your FIL more involved/interested then it might not be a bad thing.
I think this is a good point.
My FIL is engaged (has been for 6+ years, and I don't see a wedding anywhere in the near future) We refer to her by her first name for Evan. But, he has 2 grandmas, and she is much younger.... so I don't think she would want to be called grandma! (she is only 4 or 5 years older then my husband) If she asked to be called grandma, I wouldn't have a problem w/ it... but I think DH would. I don't see her wanting to though... she has 2 (college age) kids of her own, who will make her a grandma some day, I'm sure!
This is a tough question for me. My grandfather has been 'with' a woman since I was in college (so about 15 years or so)...and she is trying to get me to call her grandma. We were out in Buffalo visiting them a few years ago, and while at Niagara Falls she made a comment like "You should have listened to your grandma and brought an umbrella!" Um, no. You are not my grandma. You will never be my grandma. I guess a lot of this stems from the fact that I was VERY close with my grandma, she helped raise me. And I just could never imagine calling anyone else 'grandma'. Now, she has been slipping in the 'great-grandma' comments with my girls. I don't know...they never knew my real grandma so maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to have them call her great-grandma. But it just makes me feel weird and like I'm betraying my real grandma...does this make sense?
ANYway! In your situation I would probabl do a "Grandma (first or last name)". That is what we do with my DH's stepdad. He is Grandpa Jerry. I guess in the long run it never hurts to have more people out there to love your kids, right? Jeez maybe I should take my own advice.
I think my biggest hurdle is just that we've literally spent like 2 hours with her.
I don't have a prob with the kids calling her "Grandma __" at some point, just maybe not so soon.
It is tough because she has put in so much effort "behind the scenes" (like all the gifts and goodies), she prob feels left out and like she wants to be a part of things. I don't even know how long they have been together (because we only found out by accident)! I think if we see her regularly we are ok with it.
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my mother passed away a few years ago when i was younger and my dad has recently gotten remarried to a wonderful woman who we are all very happy to have in our lives.. it hasnt even been a year since they dated and got married (it was all VERY sudden) and i will never call her mom, cause thats weird.. but i already got her an "i love grandma" gift. my sisters son doesnt call her grandma (he is four, but also never met my mom, his actual grandma) but i will let our little one call her grandma.. not sure if it will be weird that his/her cousins will call her by her first name, but mine will only know her as grandma.
i know its different since they are married, but it is still a thought that passes my mind...