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December 2011 Moms
stephers_7
member
Single friends just don't get it....anyone else?
stephers_7
member
I'm 25 years old and I've been married a year and this is our first child. Most of my friends are not married yet, some are still in college, and a lot of them don't have full time jobs yet.
I'm noticing lately how my single friends just don't see why I can't go to the karaoke bar on a wednesday 1 hour from where I live. I was invited and I declined because A) I go into work at 7 a.m. and I have long days....
A bar is no place for a pregnant woman, I'd rather not be around huge crowds of rowdy drunk smoking college kids
C) I just don't think I'd even have the energy
Then, another friend who is a really good friend of both me and MH is trying to convince my husband that he needs a new model XBOX..... No...he doesn't, his works fine and I JUST bought him the PS3 for Christmas last year. I have to remind them that we have a baby on the way and our money is going to preparing for our child. Our friend was annoyed....and so was I.
Another friend, wants to hang out every weekend and go shopping with me. My weekends lately have been devoted to resting, getting the stuff ready for the baby and the last thing I want to buy right now is clothes for myself. They don't fit me right now.
Its very frustrating and so I've been leaning towards my friends (the few of them) who are married with children for company. We are just on the same page and they understand the sacrifices I'm already making.
Does anyone else have this problem or do I just have selfish friends? haha
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Re: Single friends just don't get it....anyone else?
It sounds like a maturity/age thing to me. I have loads of single friends that know what is a reasonable expectation for a pregnant and married person socially. It sounds like they are in a partying phase of life, and while I do have friends in their 30's like this, they don't treat me in any ways I would find frustrating because I am pregnant.
That being said, I haven't changed that much. I will still go to bars with them if I used to before. Maybe not as much, and I might leave earlier, but I didn't become and entirely different person now that I am pregnant. I still shop with friends. It's more about the company than the activity. Just because I won't buy myself clothes doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with my friends while they shop. Basically, it's not all about me and how I am feeling 100% of the time. If a friend of mine wants company, I will do what they want to do (within reason), and the next time it's my choice of activity. Like going for a food craving and then getting a big ice cream
The way I see it, it's a two way street. If I suddenly change everything I like doing and act like whatever I used to do with my friends is now so far away from anything I would be interested then it is ME alienating THEM, not the other way around.
Well you have it good. lol..I have a friend that no longer talk to me, deleted me from their fb account and deleted my number from their phone. Yep, no lie. And no, the friend I refer to did not have infertility issues or anything. And she was one of my best friends, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I have no clue what I did wrong, but it happened about a week after I told her I was pg so I am assuming it is because I am pg. No clue. I have asked her what I did thru email, private message, voice mail and text and no response to anything. Her mom is not responding to me either. I have decided to not let it bother my little head and she will come around if she really wants to be a friend.
However have you seen your friends? Maybe you should plan time for pedis or lunch or something so that you still have contact with them and they don't think you are putting them on the backburner. I am the same way with weekends and nights I am exhausted, but I have been making sure to make plans (in advance) with my friends so I can still keep in contact with them and see them because I would hate to lose them when I love them and want to hear about single life funny stories and what's going on in their lives also.
Yeah, I should have included that we do still hang out on a regular basis. They just seem to get so annoyed with me when I won't stay out late to go to a bar or shop till we drop. I love going to the mall and walking around but it doesn't take much for me to "drop" these days and my friends get frustrated with me having to take frequent breaks to sit or to use the bathroom. I"m already having severe back pain from a past injury that's being aggravated by the growing baby. My friends know this.
My friend who is always wanting to go to the mall is always on my back because I never buy anything...well, last time I bought a musical giraffe and a top and motherhood...but I don't try on clothes with her and that's what she wants. She rolls her eyes if I want to go look at maternity clothes.
Regardless, this is my reality now, I'm going to be a mother and I have to plan for it. I'm not changing EVERYTHING but yes a lot of things are changing because of this. My focus isn't myself anymore and a lot of the activities that my friends want to do are things I don't feel comfortable doing, like going to a smoky bar at 11 pm.
They just don't understand, that you have a huge responsibility on the way. I'm not married, yet, my fiance and I live together though and we are having our first baby. None of my close friends have kids or in serious relationship, all of them are still in college, They all live 1hr+ away from me so I don't really ever get invited anywhere, even if I did I wouldn't have the energy to drive, hang out, then drive back. My fiance all of his friends have kids, some are married, and some have baby mama drama. They always invite him to go out on the weekends, I tell him to go, have fun, because when this baby gets here it will be a different story. He goes out maybe twice a month with them.
I think the problem might be that the friends he has that have kids but arent with the baby mama still think that they can be out all the time with no worries. I'm pretty sure that mind set is what got them a baby in the first place.
I think it's harder in your twenties. I am 31 and got married at 29 and all of my friends have up and gotten married and had kids in the last 3-4 years. I have one friend who is still single at 29 and I feel like it is just excruciating to watch all of her friends get married and have kids.
Eventually your friends will all be in the same boat as you! Just takes a little longer for some people. My other girlfriend had her first at 20 and she feels like she missed out on the whole go out and party stuff throughout her twenties, she still came out with us when we were at the bars when she was pregnant! Crazy stuff, I wouldn't do that now, I just want to go to sleep when I get home from work...
Yeah, a lot of my friends are still in the party phase and that's fine but I was over that when I was 21. I've always been more of homebody and I'd rather go get coffee and read a book then go to a raging kegger. Its never been my style. MH is the same way, he hates the bar scene and he'd rather stay home and do a game night with friends or go to a movie.
I think that they just are in a totally different stage of life, and they don't understand where you are coming from.
It happens. They are probably just disappointed that you are entering a new phase of life and that you will no longer be available to hang out the way you used to be. I would just try to be honest with them about where you are coming from and that it's not that you don't want to hang out, but you just don't have the money/energy for certain activities. I would also try your best to meet them halfway and still do fun things like shopping, going out for drinks (even though you won't be drinking they'll appreciate that you still made the time to hang out), etc.
Sadly, I've already lost most of my friends for much of these same reasons. They're partying, traveling, and spending money like crazy. I've been married for 3 years, put my husband through college (the last two years at least), and now I'm pregnant. I have to think about more than just me, and they don't get that.
Thankfully, I have some friends and plenty of family who will stick with me no matter what. It's a little harder to arrange our schedules now to get together, but knowing they support me is awesome. I guess for me, quality > quantity.
This is perfect. If you make things all about how you feel and pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy people aren't going to want to hang out with you. Pregnancy hasn't changed the fact that I love being around my friends, bars, pools, BBQs, shopping...whatever we used to do, it's all fair game.
With that said, my older sister is definitely younger than me maturity-wise. She's pushing 30 and I'm almost 27. She can't figure out why I don't want to go to her wild and crazy bachelorette party. I've been out of the party phase for years! I didn't even have a bachelorette party for myself!
I'm going to speak on behalf of all the SWOC friends out there - truth is: we just don't get it. Truly, we love you, we do. But we honestly don't understand. Now that I am PG I finally understand the exhaustion all these PG women were talking about. Until I experienced it, I couldn't fathom that a person could be this effing tired and still be expected to get up, go to work, take care of a home, be a best friend, etc...(gawd - when I think about how many times I drunk dialed my BFF in the middle of the night with some stupid college boy problem and she had two little boys at home and a full time job, I want to kick my own @ss.)
I also know that you may not be feeling this way but you and your friends are still pretty young. Partying like a sailor on shore leave was how I was living my life at your age. Partying and advancing my career - that's all I thought about. Not only did I not understand, I didn't want to understand. I had no interest in marriage, kids or settling down. I lost contact with quite a few friends throughout the years after their kids came into the picture. They were not interested in anything that I was doing and I wanted to scratch my ears off when they started talking about breast feeding.
It will get better and the friends who are truly friends will find a new normal with you and your little one. Just like me and BFF mentioned above.
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
Agree with this totally. I was the same way...working partying all through the twenties and a majority of my friends were on the same path. At around 27 or so was when all the weddings started. I also think it has a lot to do with your group of friends and where you live. The settling down can start earlier in different parts of the country. Where I'm from alot of people got married eventually to their college boyfriend etc. But life doesn't always have those plans for us all. If I would have married my college boyfriend he would have cheated on me and we would be divorced by now. I was so happy to meet my hubs at 25.
Either way, the good friends stick around. It will get easier.