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3rd Trimester
mamastich
member
Single mama - beautiful baby - learning to live
MIL with boundry issues...
mamastich
member
So I have a mother in law that Ive been going back and forth with all week and its starting to really stress me out! since the begining she has been giving me unwanted advice, pushing names on a me and refusing to believe anyone can have an unmedicated birth. She finally brought up how we havent formally invited her to come help when we get home from the hospital (which we only want to be me and husband) and I told her it would be my mom coming to help for about a week and a half and then we would make the drive down (6 hrs away) and stay with them since by 2 bedroom townhouse is crowded. We wont be needing any extra help since my husband will be home for a month and my adult sister will be here to help cook and clean. She got completly upset and took it very personally and said she was done talking to me. I understand that she may be upset that we dont 'need' her but were adults and would like to control what goes on after the birth. Am I wrong to have a plan laid out ahead of time? I feel bad for coming between my husband and his mother but I also wont compromise my happiness and bonding time.
Please tell me im not the only one 
10 weeks to go...
Single mama - beautiful baby - learning to liveThis discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL with boundry issues...
My feeling is that as long as you and your DH are on the same page and you both are happy with your plan then that is all that matters.
I don't think it's abnormal for your MIL to want to come and help, but that's not her decision, this is your (you and DH's) family. She's probably just excited about the new grandbaby, which is great, but you have to be happy too. I have a MIL with no sense of boundaries too and there is no way I would have her stay with us because I'd lose it and probably end up kicking her out. IMO it's better to control the situation, maintain the relationship and give equal time in a way that works for you rather than make yourself miserable.
ETA: I say this and agree with you assuming that you are going to let her come up and see the baby after he/she is born, like while you are in the hospital if she wants to make the drive, but that she is just not invited to stay right away. As much as my MIL irritates the crap out of me and is mentally off balance, I will still be inviting her to visit while we are in the hospital so she can meet our LO. Then once we're settled she can come visit us at home on our terms. I do have it easier since my MIL is local and I can just send her home after a couple hours.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
I'm guessing you will hear two sides on this one. One will say good for you for setting up boundaries and speaking up. The other will say that your MIL has a right to be there too.
I fall on the side that sympathizes with MILs. Let me start by acknowledging I don't know your relationship with your MIL, so I base a lot of my opinion on mine. I am closer to my mom, my MIL can annoy me, but I know MIL means well and loves me and my family a great deal. Therefore, I can completely understand how a MIL can have their feelings hurt when they are told that they aren't needed because DIL's mom has it covered. After all, MIL is your DH's mom, and she has the same desires to want to be there and help out her child's family in adjusting and welcoming the baby. To top it off that she isn't needed to help out, she was also told she has to wait a week and half to meet her new grandbaby!
That is not to say that you have do what makes you uncomfortable or give into everything your MIL wants, but I just think it helps to have a bit of understanding. If you and DH are on the same page, then you should be good to go with your plan. If your DH is wanting his mom there, then perhaps you should be reconsidering your plans.
*edited to clarify some points
I can't see tickers at work so I don't know if you're having a boy or girl so forgive me if my comments are a little off.
I obviously don't know her so it's possible she's annoying as hell. But she's your husband's mother just as much as your mother is yours, kwim? She's just as excited for her baby to be having his own baby and hearing that your mother gets to come for a week and she doesn't, of course she's going to take that personally. Put yourself in her shoes in 25 years. Your baby is having a baby and you're told the other grandmother gets the whole first week and you have to wait. That would be hard to swallow.
Sure it might be cramped and maybe you tell her she has to stay at a hotel but think about letting her come and be a part of this.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
You are not alone. I think a lot of us are dealing with the same types of issues that you are.
My mom is smothering/overbearing and has major boundry issues. I let her know the other day that *no one* will be allowed to be in the waiting room while I'm in labor and giving birth. She wasn't too happy about it, but she stresses me out so much and I don't need that while dealing with labor, etc. I told her that I'll give her a call after the baby is born. It's only 5 minutes to the hospital from her house, so she can be there quickly if needed.
Thankfully my MIL (DH's mom) lives in another state and will have to make arrangements to come out here. I know if she lived here, she would want to be right there in the hospital- probably even the delivery room. No way! If I'm not even having my mom there, surely not going to have MIL there.
As for DH's dad and step-mom, they will be notified the following day after I give birth. They both annoy me and I don't want to deal with either of them right away, either.
I won't make any calls if it's late at night/early morning. I will give everyone a call later on that day out of courtesy.
I'd let her come visit, during the day, for a short time, right after baby is born if she'd like. Then she needs to go home. Or she could do the logical thing and just wait for you to come visit. That's up to her.
What she does NOT get to do is demand to come stay with you and "help".
I would let DH handle it from this point out. Obviously she doesn't respect your wishes, so let him deal with her.
Hun my first (ex) MIL was hell from the beginning of the relationship. I could write you a novel as well but Im going to sum it up. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW!!!!
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child she told me what I was suppose to name my child. She got mad and acted like a baby because I told my mother I was pregnant before I told her. She went and bought a bunch of baby stuff for us and then told us we had to keep it at her house. When we didnt go over their as much she gave all the baby stuff to another little girl at her work and told us we were not using it anyway. When the baby was born I told her she had to wash her hands before touching my baby. She smoked a few packs a day didnt care what i said and picked up my baby anyways. Then multiple times throughout my marriage she would go over my head when I set down rules. Years later I left her son for because he became very abusive. She didnt like that and called CPS on me. She took my kids to the doctor to get meds then sent the bill to me. ETC.....
I know my case may be extreme but this is YOUR family she is an extended eddition only. You and your husband need to be on the same page as well. You need to do what you feel is right. She needs to get over herself. If the roles were reversed would she like you doing this stuff. She is just trying to get to you dont buy it. I mean be nice with her but this is your family. You can decide whatever you want. GOOD LUCK!!!! you have enough to worry about besides an overgrown 2 year old not getting their way. Oh and your not comming between your husband (grown man) and his momma, she is putting the stress there. Dont feel bad!!!!
BTW....I love my new MIL she lives 900 miles away and always ask if she is over stepping....its a huge change and so nice!!!!! She tells me her stories but never demands or gets her feelings hurt.
I have HUGE problems with my MIL (We havent talked in months because of it) but it is mostly because she's an alcoholic and refuses to keep unwanted oppinions and hurtful comments to herself.
Being someone with MIL issues, I say its awesome that you're speaking up. It sounds like she has a lot of the drama going on that my MIL has because she's "Done talking to you".
Without a lot of background, it's hard to give much help, but there was one thing that stuck out to me.
If you were having no family staying with you and you were making it mostly just you and DH taking care of baby for the first while, I would say good for you for sticking to your guns... However, you are having help from family.
Obviously she has boundary issues because she's acting so entitled and she had so ask you to be "formally invited"... which is just absurd.
So, you do have to think... If your child had lots of people helping them through a big transition time and wouldn't let you help at all, wouldn't you be hurt just a bit?
Like I said, I can totally see the boundary issues and the drama, but I sometimes have to step back too sometimes and see if maybe my feelings about past behaviour on her part is making me feel like she's meaning things a certain way when she's really not.
** Edit: My point is, just take some time, and IF you decide she's well-meaning, lay down some strong ground rules. "I could use your help in the daytime sometimes" or "If you'd like to stop by every once in a while for an hour or two you are welcome." It's hard to be neutral because I think about MIL holding my baby and it actually makes me mad... but it's a hard situation.