UPDATE: What will you do with your parents after the baby arives? (long)

Ocean88 · July 2011

Okay, so I have attached my original post...

I took everyone's advise and decided to tell my mother that the plan for EVERYONE is now to have them stay at a hotel (two blocks from my house) when we first come home with the baby. After we get settled, about a month after he/she is born then people can come stay with us. OMG, I caused WWIII. My mom said she can't afford a hotel, since she already is going to be spending a bundle buying a plane ticket last minute... because I won't get induced ... and now she is going to have to tell her work she is not going to be taking vacation, which she took without speaking to me first. Basically told me I completely wrecked all her plans by her having to spend a few nights in a hotel. So, she is not coming. I told her I completely understand and that it is going to be hard on everyone, but that is the choice DH and I made for our family and we wanted to be fair to everyone. I know she can afford it, she just wanted me to cave so she could have things her way. I normally would have caved, but I am attempting to be stronger and put her in line before the baby comes. Pretty hard to do... but I did it, and it feels great.

She continued to text me mean and hurtful things after we spoke on the phone. Well, I remained completely calm and neutral the whole time. I did not argue back and kept telling her it was not personal and sorry if her feelings were hurt but that is what we decided. She continued to berate me... so I told her that once she can speak to me rationally, respect my feelings and the decisions DH and I made for our family, I am done trying to explain myself. I haven't spoken to her in a week. We shall see what happens.

So, thank you everyone for your support. I really needed it and am glad I was upfront with her. We will see if she talks to me. But, at this point I am okay with it. This is a major life event for me and it is going to be a very happy one. I am not going to let her poison every happy event anymore... Thanks bumpies!!!

Ocean88:
So I had a serious mental break down the other day about what to do after the baby comes, and no it wasn't because of all the hormones. A little background first, my parents are divorced and have been for a long time. My father is remarried and which makes my mom pretty bitter. My mother is also a bit(sarcasm) controlling.
Okay... so my mom told me that she has taken two weeks off around my due date. She did this without talking to me first on her own accord. I was shocked by this and said, "Well, I hope the baby comes on time. This is my first so it might be early or late." She then proceeded to ask me about getting induced. Really? You want me to get induced so you can schedule your visit??? I said no, that was something I wasn't comfortable with and would have to speak to my doctor.
She wants to stay at my house..for two weeks... She is the kind of mom who wants to do everything for you her way. I spoke with my Dad about his plans, and he plans on staying at a hotel for a few days after the baby comes, to see the baby and see how we are doing. Then after we are all settled, about six weeks from the birth he will come back and stay longer, to visit and bond. Which sounds awesome to me.
Now, I just have to tell my mom that that is what we are planning for everyone who wants to visit the baby after it is born, including her. I know it's going to hurt her feelings and cause a fight no matter what, and I'm super nervous/stressed out. I am totally dreading it. I've even had bad dreams. Even though that is our plan for everyone, she has always been one to demand special attention. Frankly, I think having her stay at the house, even if it is to help would be stressful. I just want space to start my own family. Also, I have to tell her that my dad and step-mom will be in town at the same time as her, and she'll have to share bonding time with them. Ahhhhhhh!!!!
What is everyone else planning? Anyone in a similar situation?

kellydw · July 2011

I am sure that was one of the hardest things you have had to do with your mom but GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think you will be happy with your decision in the end.

TheLastCall · July 2011

You sound like you handled that very well. Standing your ground now will most definitely be helpful over the years as your raise your LO, since it seems like your mom is going to always want to make things dramatic.

Karen1998 · July 2011

You did great! I'm sorry your mother is continuing to act like a spoiled child.

amyegunnip · July 2011

Good for you for standing your ground & standing up for yourself!!! I hope she comes around and realizes that what you're doing is best for your family. Best of luck

Danac210 · July 2011

Good for you! Great job holding your ground!

We are having a homebirth and apparently that makes both sets of our parents think they can be there from start to finish. I am having a hard time telling them to back off, thanks for the encouragement!

ASmallWonder · July 2011

I have your mother for a mother. You did a great job and it seems it needed to be done because it doesn't get any easier once a baby is in the picture. A great phrase to adopt is "It's unfortunate you feel that way." Just keep repeating it until she gives up. It infuriates my mother but I had to learn to stop saying "I'm sorry you feel that way." Somehow she would still get the sense that I felt badly and would try to break me. Good luck

ExpatFamily06 · July 2011

I am appalled that your mom is throwing a tantrum like that and has decided not to meet her grandchild over the 'issue' of staying at a hotel. You're better off without her visiting you during that early time. Geeze, drama much?

katxattack · July 2011

High Five! You did a great job... I can only hope my wishes are granted!

Terrim2009 · July 2011

So sorry you are having to go through this. I really hope she calms down and changes her mind, I'll bet she would regret missing the birth of her grandchild! You are right to decide what is best for you and your family, and stick to it! Good for you!!

Sometimes it is hard for parents to accept that they can no longer control their children. Let's just hope we do not do this to our LO's!!

IlliniQT · July 2011

WOW, I am COMPLTELY impressed by your ability to stand up for yourself. This is such an important time in your life and your DH life, and you need to do what is best for YOU and HIM...not your mom. I am so sad for you that she is acting that way. It is especially hard that she is coming in from out of town. I hope that you are confident in your decision and realize that you are doing the right thing for yourself and that is the most important thing!!!

c_washington · July 2011

so sorry you had to do this. However, I must say that I am inspired! I feel motivated to handle this type of issue with my family now. YAY!!!

icebaby1 · July 2011

Just wanted to say I a having the same problemwith my parents and my husbands parents. My parents have been divorced just over a year and I decided that after the baby/first grandchild was born the first day in the hospital i wanted only my mom and dad there because its akward for both sides of the family to be around each other anyways. I was fair when I made the decision and my mothers boyfriend and fathers new wife neither one is allowed to see the baby untill later on. The other day I got a phone call from my father saying he wont be there the day his first grandchild is born since his wife wasn't allowed in the room and I told him that was fine because I ill live my life with no regrets... he was invited and chose not to come so he will be th one to regret it in the future. It takes alot to stand up to your family, especially your parents, but in the end if it makes less stress on you and your new family then its the way to go. Your parents have to lern that it's your decison and you aren't a child anymore, your going to be a parent yourself.

jgoetz:) · July 2011

elmoali:
I have your mother for a mother. You did a great job and it seems it needed to be done because it doesn't get any easier once a baby is in the picture. A great phrase to adopt is "It's unfortunate you feel that way." Just keep repeating it until she gives up. It infuriates my mother but I had to learn to stop saying "I'm sorry you feel that way." Somehow she would still get the sense that I felt badly and would try to break me. Good luck

I like this! I will have to start using this phrase with my own mom. She also likes to guilt trip me into doing things her way and doesn't like that I now do what's best for me regardless of how she feels about it.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · July 2011

I bet that was not an easy conversation to have with your mom and I really applaud your strength in all this. I think focusing on how this was a decision you and your DH made for your family (instead of making it about her) was the way to go, too.

Hopefully she comes around soon. In the meantime, hang in there: you'll be really glad you put your foot down when you bring the baby home and don't have to deal with your mom's presence.

Ocean88 · July 2011

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement! Sometimes I second guess myself, but after hearing what you have to say it only makes me stronger. Thanks again!

Good luck with your births!

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UPDATE: What will you do with your parents after the baby arives? (long)

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