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Adoption
Honest Opinions..
Alright so my mom has been bugging me about this.. Naturally I love the idea, but I'm hesitant to even bring it up with Amom. I don't want to do to anything to cause distress in our relationship. My mom said "do you care if I ask her?" I said no, in fact I'd rather her ask (they are closer). I told my mom I think this would be better suited for when DD is maybe 10 or 11 years old. Here is the proposition at hand:
Taking DD down the street from her house for ice cream. Just my parents, husband, brother and myself. We'd be gone 30mins-45mins at most.
In the long run, something like this: Maybe next summer asking if we could take her to Dutch Wonderland or Hershey Park for the day (amusement parks for kids). A scheduled trip, not "spur of the moment". Both places are 20 minuets away, in the same county, just a 10am-4pm day trip.
I don't see anything wrong with this. I took my 8 year old cousin to Six Flags last fall, just the 2 of us, we're buddies. I'm sure Amom wouldn't have a problem sending DD there with her aunt or uncle.
I know most of you wonderful ladies have younger LO's, so this situation might not have come up yet.. but tell me your thoughts/fears regarding this. For those of you who don't know, we have a totally open adoption but we've never talked about this subject before.
Would you feel different towards your BM if she asked you this? The last thing I want to do is rock this awesome boat we're on.
TIA!
BM to Kenzie 9/1/04 --- Married 1/22/09 ---
Me 27 - DH 25 --- TTC our first since April 2010
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Honest Opinions..
I think maybe just bringing it up as something you'd like to do, but aren't sure they are comfortable with, is probably the right way to go.
Maybe say "I drove by ____ down the road and their ice cream is so good. Would you be ok with me and ____ taking her there for ice cream sometime this summer?"
Or you could just address the whole Hershey Park thing since you say it's more of a future type outing. Bring it up, start a dialogue and just see where it goes. I don't think you'll rock the boat if you just ask and tell them you want them to think about it because it's something you'd really like to do.
Maybe the first time, they come with and then the second time, they just stay home? I don't know.
Good luck dear!
As an Amom, I'd be more comfortable coming along the first time or 2, and then talking about just DD going along the next time around.
How old is DD? Is this something you could get her input on as well?
Only you know the relationship with your AP's!
I agree that if you ask, it should be something like MrsK said -- say you were thinking about it, weren't sure how to approach, understand it could be something that they aren't entirely comfortable with. Honesty and communication are the most important aspects of open adoption!
Personally, that wouldn't be okay with my DH and I -- but that is our own situation and it's individual set of circumstances, which obviously don't apply to you!
She'll be 7 soon. We've gone for ice cream with them before and we've met them at restaurants and parks when it's nice out.
That was my first thought as well, asking them to join us... but their family keeps growing.. they have a 6, 4, 2 & 5 month old. I know it's hard for them to go for the day to a place like Hershey Park or Dutch Wonderland. I would feel bad to expect them to pack up the whole family so I could share in some precious memories with DD.
I know they could always just say no. I know I'm over analyzing..
I agree with PP, really the best thing to do would be to just ask, like you asked us
90% of the anxiety we feel comes from building it up in your head, and when it actually happens isn't nearly as bad as we think it may be
History of IF and 2.5 years TTC. The day we were to start our first IUI we received a call that changed our lives forever and 10 month old Olivia joined our family. Shortly thereafter we got a surprise BFP and baby 2 is due July 5, 2012
I think she's too young... JMHO.
I'd give it another year or two. Seven seems really young.
The one thing I'd be mindful of is that you don't want to ask too much and compromise what is a really great relationship. These relationships we have within the adoption triad are not natural in our everyday society. It's very easy for one of us to get her feelings hurt or to feel threatened. It's a delicate balance to keep it all positive.
It could always be just one AP and one of the other kids, just going for ice cream. Basically what I'm trying to say is, take it slow. Bring an AP, see how it goes, bring up the idea of going solo.
GL!
I think it really depends on your relationship.
In our situation, our son's birth grandmother has babysat since he was a newborn. Just this weekend, he went swimming with her at her condo pool. However, he's never had a solo visit with his birth mom. (Not because we don't trust her, but more because I don't think she'd be comfortable.) So we've always had a lot of openness.
In your scenarios, I would probably be ok with the ice cream trip. I would not be ok with an amusement park. I'm a little freaky about amusement parks though--too many people, too much stimulation, and too many chances to get lost. I guess I'm over-protective, lol.
It sounds like you're conscious of doing for all the kids what you would do for one of them. I want to reinforce this awareness. My kids are 4 and 2, and they notice EVERY good/fun thing that is done for them. If there's even a hint of discrepancy between the 2, it's bad news bears.
[Just this weekend I had to turn away a gift a relative had bought my daughter - it was a light-up 4th of July headband thing. I knew that if she got to wear that and have a bunch of attention paid to how cute she looked in it, my son would have been crushed that he didn't have something equally attention-worthy. It ticked me off that this relative did that - if there's more than 1 kid in a family and they're close enough in age to care, you can't do something for just 1 of them! I wasn't in a position to run out and get him something cool, so I politely declined the gift. She can give it to someone else.]
I totally understand wanting to have some one-on-one time with your daughter; just keep in mind that she comes with 3 siblings.
Oh, I always am!
I don't usually buy as many gifts for the boys, but they have at least 2-4 things each to unwrap at Christmas and I always make a special "boys" Easter Basket for them to share which is packed with stuff (3 boys, Mckenzie is the only girl), only time I don't buy the boys stuff is her birthday. I would assume that's an "ok" gift giving holiday to leave out the boys (sounds so harsh when I say it), I look at them like my own family, I have 21 cousins ranging from 6 months to 35 years old (I'm 26), and I am always fair when it comes to gift giving with them too.
EDIT: BTW: Bummer your family didn't know better! At least you were able to intervene before it upset your little man!
I don't have any advice for you.
But please keep us posted and let us know how the conversation goes!
I'm sure you'll have the perfect words - and most importantly, I'm sure the AP's will know that you don't want to cause any discomfort!
You can do this!
honestly I would ask.
I hate to say it but i might be a little uncomfortable with DD spending alone time with her bmom, but NOTHING to do with their relationship or ours. Mostly bc I don't trust the area bmom lives in and I don't trust her unreliable source of transportation/income/lifestyle etc. I hate to say it because Aida came from her, she could have been hers. But the truth is, I am responsible for her now, and we live a different life than her.
If she lived in a safe neighborhood and had her own car/license, I would definitely be open to it. I don't personally think that 7 is too young, but everyone is different.
Good luck!!