Just thinking...(long/vent)

HeatherIcon · July 2011

I have just been reading through all of the posts. I feel actually a little better and I just wanted to thank each and every person who takes their time to write back, not only to me, but to others to. It is such a solid support, no one else really has any idea about how it feels to be 42 and perhaps have the possibility of never becoming a biological mother to a child.

I have been trying to distract myself, last night I went to Macy's within three minutes, four pregnant girls with big bumps--all around me. So I bought some shoes. Then went to my car to cry...

Then I came home and decided to light a candle, zen outside and just chill. Then multiple families walking past, with strollers and toddlers...all so pleased. So, I came inside and had some fro-yo.

I have been so self-deprecating lately, feeling alone, un-womanly, hormonal, just one minute I feel o.k. and then the next I am tearing up...or feeling inadequate/hollow.

Ugh. I needed to vent, sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone. All of my friends have children, my parents just end up feeling worse than I do and well to be honest, if I vent to dh--he just doesn't say what I need to hear at this time. He sees what a toll this is taking on me, my mood and our lives and I just don't want to hear his thoughts right now.

I just wish it was me pushing that stroller around the neighborhood, driving to the beach for a day of playing in the sand, a day trip to the zoo...I know my life has purpose, I have a great job, good education, a nice home.That one last piece...

One baby. Just one. I thought I was being strong and positive preparing and going through the #2 IVF. I was--until recently. I am not sure why--but lately-- I am a mess. Well--thank you for letting me vent, I know sometimes I try to be funny and lighthearted---but I really am worried about Thursday. I need to prepare for the negative, only to be shocked if it is a positive. I do mean shocked.

Thank you. I needed that.

mtlaurel · July 2011

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I hope you get the shock of a lifetime this week. Be good to yourself.

greengirl0909 · July 2011

(SIGGY WARNING)

I know it's not the same for me, because I do have 1 child already, but I can relate to your feelings of frustration and feeling alone. Sometimes I feel like the oldest mother on the face of the earth. SO many people tell me things like "aren't you trying to have them too close together" but they don't hear the ticking clock that follows me around. They don't understand the increased risks and whatnot that comes with my age. It's so discouraging. Two of my dearest friends are already grandparents, now granted, they were really young parents and their kids are pretty young also, but still very discouraging.

I hope that you are feeling better. And it is so nice to have some other ladies to talk to!

boymamaco · July 2011

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I too am just feeling wiped out by everything right now. You aren't in it alone, that is for sure. Hugs!

shari2010 · July 2011

your not alone. I'm sitting here crying as I write this. I feel your pain and heartache and know how hard this is for you. I too have been ttc for a year now. With my age and bad egg quality my only luck according to my doc is DE. But Im not ready for that yet. I too cry when I see pregnant woman and it seems to more often know. You have to just let it out when you need to. I'm new to this site but its comforting to have woman to talk to who understand what you are going through. Good luck and a gentle hug sent your way...

HappyMrsK · July 2011

I'm sorry you are having a hard time and you are certainly not alone. I also hope you do get a big shock on Thursday

Llamamama · July 2011

I am so sorry you are having a rough day..I feel that same way about this board. Reading the comments really does help. Seeing all the baby bumps and strollers does NOT. Big hugs to you.. Fingers crossed that you will be shocked on Thursday!

irishgirl0525 · July 2011

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I do understand what you are going through because I have been starting to think the same things and really getting pissed when I see yet another F-ing pregnant woman.

For what it's worth, I have been thinking of you a lot since you posted about your transfer, and I always picture you and (and everyone in their 2WW) getting a BFP.

Here's to a distracting 4th of July weekend and a huge shock for you on Thursday!!

Mrs.McIrish · July 2011

I feel the same about so much you wrote. I'm wishing you a positive result for Thursday. I've been thinking of all of us this weekend and am so sad for the streak of crappy luck we all seem to have lately. Hang in there:-)

HeatherIcon · July 2011

Thank you so much everyone, I truly mean this. It makes a big difference in having this support. It is so funny, I usually don't call my parents to vent,but I did and my mom is with my younger cousin planning her baby shower and they hid it from me.

Wow.

I am thinking that I will not be attending anyway. Just one more thing to put in my "feel like a failure" jar. Yay.She does deserve this, she went through IUI's for this. She is 29 though.

I am ready to get off of my pity party for one and try to move on. There is nothing I can do at this point but wait.

Thank you all again!! Really! Hugs.

BeckyP005 · July 2011

I hear ya. My husband I think doesn't even care anymore if we have a baby. He just doesn't get that this is all I ever wanted..to be a mom. I can't really talk to him anymore. I'm doing another IUI but it's almost a joke. I guess for me I really need to find the strentgh to accept the reality that there will be no baby. I don't know how though

Fingers crossed for a great outcome for you! Yes it is nice to come on here to vent and ask questions. You girls are a great help!

lindaeverly · July 2011

Sending hugs your way!!!! I will be thinking about you & praying for you on Thursday!!!!! As long as you are on here, you will never be alone in this journey!!!

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