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April 2011 Moms
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Need some advice (pregnancy loss related)

RunningGal900RunningGal900 member
in April 2011 Moms
I think I'm probably overanalyzing this, but since I've never personally been there, I just want to be sure I'm being sensitive to my friend's feeling. My BFF had miscarriage earlier this year. When she initially told me she was pregnant, I gave her the belly book (https://www.amazon.com/Belly-Book-Nine-Month-Journal-Growing/dp/0307336182/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309634043&sr=8-1), which I had during my pregnancy and loved. I know for a fact she started writing in it for the baby she lost. She just told me she is pregnant again, so I was planning on buying her a new copy of the belly book for this pregnancy. Any reason I shouldn't do that? DH thinks I'm being silly and over thinking this, but like I said I just want to be sensitive since I don't fully comprehend all the complex emotions that come along with pregnancy loss having never experiencing it firsthand. I'm on my iPad so sorry the link isn't clicky. Thanks ladies.
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Re: Need some advice (pregnancy loss related)

  • p1nklemonadep1nklemonade member
    i've never had a loss, so i can't give any perspective from that end, but i personally would get something else.  if she liked the book, she knows it's out there and can get a copy for herself.  she also might be superstitious and not want to use the same book, who knows.  maybe send her something for her personally? a gift certificate for massage, pedicure/manicure, etc.

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  • schenkertobeschenkertobe
    I think it is wonderful that you are thinking of her and want to get her something to celebrate this pregnancy! As someone who had a previous pregnancy loss, I spent this pregnancy holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I wouldn't have wanted to keep a journal on milestones, etc. It took a huge effort for me to start a baby registry and we didn't get a crib until after my LO was born. I was too afraid of getting too attached to this pregnancy or jinxing it. Pregnancy loss turned me into debbie downer unfortunately. I guess I am saying that if she is feeling anything like I was, she might not be to into keeping a journal for this pregnancy. 
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  • RunningGal900RunningGal900 member
    imageschenkertobe:
    I think it is wonderful that you are thinking of her and want to get her something to celebrate this pregnancy! As someone who had a previous pregnancy loss, I spent this pregnancy holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I wouldn't have wanted to keep a journal on milestones, etc. It took a huge effort for me to start a baby registry and we didn't get a crib until after my LO was born. I was too afraid of getting too attached to this pregnancy or jinxing it. I guess I am saying that if she is feeling anything like I was, she might not be to into keeping a journal for this pregnancy. 
    Thats why I love this site. I never would have thought of that and it makes perfect sense. It is nervewracking enough being pregnant - I can't imagine how it would feel having a previous loss. Is there anything you can think of that would make a more appropriate gift? I like the pedicure idea, so she can take some time and relax, but would love any other suggestions.
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  • Scout05Scout05 member

    Hmmm, that's actually kind of a tough one because it so depends on how she's mentally dealing w/ being PGAL. I know I started a journal for my first pregnancy, and was never able to do it again for any pregnancies after that.

    I can only speak to how *I* was after loss - I got journals as gifts and they all went in the garbage. Not because I didn't appreciate the thought of the gift - I did - but I couldn't handle having another journal sitting in a box w/ another ultrasound photo of a baby I lost. Knowing I would never write it in again, that all the hope and excitment on those pages was for nothing.

    Maybe it would be better to give her an amazon gift card and a note saying "so you can pick out the perfect book/journal/whatever you want?"

    IDK, that's not really ideal, I know. It's sweet of you to worry about it, and I'm sorry there isn't really an easy answer.

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  • Scout05Scout05 member

    imageschenkertobe:
    I think it is wonderful that you are thinking of her and want to get her something to celebrate this pregnancy! As someone who had a previous pregnancy loss, I spent this pregnancy holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I wouldn't have wanted to keep a journal on milestones, etc. It took a huge effort for me to start a baby registry and we didn't get a crib until after my LO was born. I was too afraid of getting too attached to this pregnancy or jinxing it. Pregnancy loss turned me into debbie downer unfortunately. I guess I am saying that if she is feeling anything like I was, she might not be to into keeping a journal for this pregnancy. 

    Exactly this.

    There's a reason my shower wasn't until 36 weeks, and all the stuff stayed downstairs until the day before my c-section.

     

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  • ohiostategalohiostategal member
    imageScout05:

    Hmmm, that's actually kind of a tough one because it so depends on how she's mentally dealing w/ being PGAL. I know I started a journal for my first pregnancy, and was never able to do it again for any pregnancies after that.

    I can only speak to how *I* was after loss - I got journals as gifts and they all went in the garbage. Not because I didn't appreciate the thought of the gift - I did - but I couldn't handle having another journal sitting in a box w/ another ultrasound photo of a baby I lost. Knowing I would never write it in again, that all the hope and excitment on those pages was for nothing.

    Maybe it would be better to give her an amazon gift card and a note saying "so you can pick out the perfect book/journal/whatever you want?"

    IDK, that's not really ideal, I know. It's sweet of you to worry about it, and I'm sorry there isn't really an easy answer.

    Same here.  I bought a blank journal (not a baby one or anything) and started writing in it with my first pg and then after that loss I could not imagine doing it again.  I wouldn't have been mad to receive that kind of gift but I wouldn't have used it because I just couldn't emotionally handle it.  Your bff my be different though.  Honestly just in case I might get something different.  Especially not the exact same thing.

    Dx with PCOS and IR June 2009
    After two losses, third time was a charm.
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  • *K*K
    Like others, I kept a pregnancy journal during my first pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage.  I couldn't bear to do the same the second time around though.  I think it's great you are being so sensitive to your feelings.  She's very lucky to have a friend like you.
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  • klibby707klibby707 member
    I think something for her is a great idea...spa stuff is always good.  I wouldn't get the journal again...bad memories...
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  • RunningGal900RunningGal900 member
    Thank you ladies for your valuable insight. I definitely will not get the journal (and I'm glad I didn't listen to DH). I won't see her again for a week or so, so if anyone else has other gift suggestions, I'm open. Thank you again and I'm very sorry for your losses.
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