Need advice - career/family/lifestyle tradeoff...
Warning, this is long. It's kind of a complicated situation, so thanks to anyone who gets through this!
We've been living overseas in Australia for three years, for DH's job. Our original commitment was to be 18-24 months. I've only been home to visit twice in this time - the trip is really really long and really expensive, not to mention extremely unpleasant with kids. I'll likely not be able to go again until next summer. (By 'I' I mean myself and the kids - DH goes back periodically for work.)
I'm at the point where I'm ready to go home. We've had the 'experience', we're outgrowing our rented house here, it's bloody expensive to live, I'm just done. I want my house and my things back, I want to be able to see family occasionally, I want my kids to know their cousins, and so on.
DH has been offered an opportunity to stay on here for another two years doing a different role, which would really round out his experience for career advancement. Or he could return home now, but the job would not be as good.
He wants to stay. I want to go. We're at an impasse - I see this as a tradeoff between career and lifestyle/family. Staying another two years, to me, seems like a high price to pay for career opportunity that may or may not translate into a better job in the future. But I also don't want him to resent me for costing him career advancement. I know part of it is that I am homesick and have no hope of even a visit home in the near future, but that is the problem with Australia, it's just so impossibly far, it's just not workable with three kids. And I feel like we've done our time here and it's just time to go back.
Any advice? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or had to make a decision between career and family/lifestyle?
Re: Need advice - career/family/lifestyle tradeoff...
That's a tough call.
I think regardless ~ you need to have a 'come to God' talk with DH and really sit and discuss how you really feel.
And just tell him exactly what you wrote.
See- for me- I would have a major heart to heart with my DH and say look- we really need to go home- I really miss family/States and I have been here long enough and I am ready to start a new chapter in our lives. Job opps will come and go. Family time away can't be made up.
Career advancement can take many different 'roads' per se. You already took the 'one less travelled' and made a HUGE gamble and rerooted your life away from everything you knew. If it was me- I would push to come home. Who knows what 'roads' will make themselves avail back in the States in re: to his career/job.
I think you guys just need to sit and hash it out- you definitely have done your part in helping him advance etc. Nothing wrong with saying, i am ready to go home.
GL!
I thought Stacey said it well!
I imagine it is lonely and I'm a "family first" type of person so I defiantly see it from your point. Maybe a bit biased because I always felt furthering your career should be something you do when the time is right, but not something you stop your life for. Jobs come and go and you should give your job your all at work certainly, but it should not replace your "life" or the things your work for! We work to keep our family happy so it seems counterproductive to stay somewhere that makes one of the members miserable. It would be different I guess if he could not get a job in the states and this was a do it or sink thing...but he has a job in the states, has put in the time, and it is time to start the new chapter!
I would sit down with him and explain how you feel. You gave up a lot to help him further his job and it is unfair for you to have to never see what you were working for! He took this job to provide a life for the family and it is pointless to never get it started. There is only so long you can live in a to small house and in a strange place when you are seeking a family centered life.
I guess I just see it like you supported him by leaving the country and now it may be time for him to give a little and let you get a bit that you want from life as well. Is a job really worth stopping your life for? Not for that long....
I understand his job is important to him and most men see their jobs as the way to support the family, but like Stacey said he will have many choices in a job at different points in his life and he has already done so much to further the carrier so really it is time for him to give the other part of his life some focus.
I'm sure he will be open to talking to you
I was raised in Georgia. My family is there and all my old friends. My DH had a job opportunity in Minnesota back in 2005 that was to good to pass up. So, the decision was up to me. Of course at the time we didn't have the kids yet, we were still newlyweds with a house we'd only lived in for a 1.5 years. Really a dream house for us. We'd still be there had we not left Georgia.
Anyway, DH left the deicison up to me cause I had my family there. In the end, I agreed that it was a great career advancment for DH and I know it would be stupid not to go. My Mom, as much as she hated the idea, agreed with me. Five years living in MN, DH was laid off. FUDGE. So, six months of looking for a job (hoping to find one in Atlanta) he lands an AWESOME job in Wisconsin. Again, we'd have to move to another state that, to me, is small town living compared to Atlanta. But, again, it was my choice. And again, I saw this as a great opportunity for DH to advance in his career. I made a good call cause he's now on track for a VP position!
So, we now live in Madison, WI, our boys go to a great Catholic school, DH LOVES his job and co-workers, and the insurance is the best we've ever had! Realistically, Atlanta has no market or jobs in DH's field and to move there just to be close to family is, unfortunately, not a good decision.
We too only are able to make a trip down once a year. But my family, not always all of them at one time, come up once a year to visit too.
So, what I"m saying is...yes, it does suck that you're so far away from family, but you have to think of YOUR family and what's best for them in the long run. Five years flew by for me in Minnesota, and we've already been in Wisconsin for a 1.5 years!
You can do it. : )
I also want to add that DH has told me that he would start looking for a job in Altanta if i wanted him to. But, realistically, I know there is nothing there for us.
Sometimes you have to think in the long run, and put some of your wants on the back burner for a while. : )
(Thank God for Skype!)
I think it is time for a sit down.
I would want some real guidance from him regarding exactly what staying in Austrailia another two years would do for his career, and how staying for another two years would get him there. If he has some real firm understanding with his employers that if he does this, he gets to go home to the kind of job you all think he should have, then if I were him, I would take it. HOWEVER, I would let him know that two years is it. After that you are done, and it is time to move back to the States. If he does not have any real understanding from his superiors, and its just "well, this will look good on my resume." then its time to go home.
Also, maybe he could negotiate as part of this two year deal that they have to pay for you guys to go to the states once a year? If you can pay for a trip and the company can pay for a trip, then you can maybe see your family more.
I wanted to add, "career time" can't always be made up. I would ask him about the repurcussions in his company if he turns this down. He may come across as less motivated or less interested in developing his career, which could hurt him in promotion decisions down the road if he turns this down.