Why does this bug me so much? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Why does this bug me so much?

my mom has been driving me insane ever since i got pregnant. i know she's just excited, but she's just annoying. any who, she always commenting on things on facebook or changing her status to say "i can't wait for my baby girl to get here." it bugs me that she's says "my baby". no mom, it's not your baby, she's mine. I'm the one carrying her, she's coming from my body. it's just drives me crazy! i've already deleted her from my friends, but we have a lot of mutual friends that she comments on their stuff. ugh!! so annoying! am i being ridiculous, or would that irritate you too?
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Re: Why does this bug me so much?

  • Welllll, when my first child started calling me mommy and calling her ma-nana, I gave up. *Sigh*
  • For some reason I don't think it bother me, but my mom and I are super close.  HOWEVER, if it were my MIL I would be absolutely livid.  I hope you and your mom can work it out.....
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  • that would make me mad and if my MIL/mom say this I'll put them in their place.
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  • I can relate.  My MIL is very controlling and she doesn't follow any of my guidelines when it comes to my DD.  My in laws help us out a lot financially-buying clothes and shoes for DD, buying us dinner,etc.  but in return she treats us like we owe her and therefore she can do whatever she wants with our daughter.  It's almost as if she is in charge of our family.  When my DD was first born she would literally hog her and wouldn't let anyone else or even me hold her.  It was ridiculous.  In the past week or so I have been pulling away a little because I just can't do it anymore.  I haven't been emailing her, not planning to do anything with her so she can't buy us off.  My DH and I are planning to go to Ocean City, MD for a weekend in September and I already told him I didn't want his parents going because I want it to feel like this is our family vacation and we get to choose where we eat, how long we're at the beach, when we go to the boardwalk, etc.  I can totally empathize with how you feel about your wanting it to be "YOUR" baby and feel like the mommy.  Just know that no matter how much your baby will love your mom, he or she will know that you are mommy.  I love it when my DD who loves going to Nana's house, doesn't want to spend the night or my DH has to go pick her up at midnight because she is crying that she wants mommy.  Wink
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  • It would drive my crazy. My mom does the oh it's my grandbaby thing which is awesome, but that would really tick me off. I think I would give her a copy of the 'rules' that keep popping up. You know, the one that says unless ou are carrying the baby or helped put it there, it's not your baby? Yeah.
  • I know where you're coming from. My mom and I are so close, but she has a tendency to make things about her. My wedding, her, the pregnancy, her. I expected it for the pregnancy due to the wedding but it is hard.
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  • image SuperDeDuper:
    Yes.  It would bother me.  I can honestly look at the situation and say that maybe it shouldn't be a big deal, but it would be.  I would have no problem with her saying my grandbaby, but if she's making comments on friends sites, and probably in person, and saying my baby I would tell her to stop.  Not sure if your mom is the type who would actually listen and change though ... GL! 

     

    exactly, i don't think it would bother me as much if she was saying my grandbaby, but the whole MY BABY thing is driving me nuts.  she doesn't really listen to change either. she just kind of guilts me by saying, oh i'm just excited. i get it, your excited, i am too, but back off lady! sheesh!

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  • My fiance's mom did this at first. The first time I heard her say "my baby" I looked at her and said "No, it is your grand child, it is OUR baby (and pointed and myself and my fiance). After that she stopped, but she still tries to cross the line (she would text my fiance every day with updates on what the baby was doing, or what it looked like, seriously?!, and she was buying clothes when I was only 6 weeks after we said that we wanted to buy the first thing for the baby) which caused us to not speak to her for about a month. Things are better now, but rocky.

    I would just start correcting her and tell her that it is her GRAND baby.

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  • It doesn't bother me.  It's her grandbaby and she is just excited.
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  • I have the same issue but it's a friend. This is my 1st and it was cute at first but now it's annoying the hell out of me now.  She even posted a picture of her & I on FB and said that it was her baby in my belly. I keep reminding her when she says "my baby" that is not. My DH says I'm over reacting, but she has a child already and she got pregnant right away where we have been trying for over 3 years. I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks now.
  • I have to say, I totally know where you're coming from. My mother and I are extremely close, we talk daily, and I live just a few miles from her. But since I've been pregnant, she talks about "our baby" and calls it "her little muffin" and "her cupcake" and it just bugs.

    She had her experience being pregnant, she had FOUR children. This is my time, and my child, and I really don't feel the need to share ownership of the experience.

    I can't explain why it bothers me, I know I'd be really hurt if she wasn't excited, but I can't help but be irked when she does it...

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  • vlong4vlong4
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments
    member

    image ashnsean:
    For some reason I don't think it bother me, but my mom and I are super close.  HOWEVER, if it were my MIL I would be absolutely livid.  I hope you and your mom can work it out.....

    this exactly. My MIL has the grandchildren calling her "mama." Talk about irritating and upsetting. Has taken me a LOOOOONG time to get over that and still haven't %100. She also calls DD "her baby girl" and refers to DD as "the baby." Ummmm she's two, not really a baby anymore. She's also very controlling. For the first few months, she would follow me into the room to watch me change a diaper or breastfeed (which she wasn't %100 in favor of which i don't understand). But then, I am the first daughter and daughter in law that has not allowed her to have %100 control over the grandchildren. My sister in laws let her do everything. One is her own daughter which is understandable and her other daughter in law was just useless as a mother the first year. 

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  • image Mom2Cinderella:
    I can relate.  My MIL is very controlling and she doesn't follow any of my guidelines when it comes to my DD.  My in laws help us out a lot financially-buying clothes and shoes for DD, buying us dinner,etc.  but in return she treats us like we owe her and therefore she can do whatever she wants with our daughter.  It's almost as if she is in charge of our family.  When my DD was first born she would literally hog her and wouldn't let anyone else or even me hold her.  It was ridiculous.  In the past week or so I have been pulling away a little because I just can't do it anymore.  I haven't been emailing her, not planning to do anything with her so she can't buy us off.  My DH and I are planning to go to Ocean City, MD for a weekend in September and I already told him I didn't want his parents going because I want it to feel like this is our family vacation and we get to choose where we eat, how long we're at the beach, when we go to the boardwalk, etc.  I can totally empathize with how you feel about your wanting it to be "YOUR" baby and feel like the mommy.  Just know that no matter how much your baby will love your mom, he or she will know that you are mommy.  I love it when my DD who loves going to Nana's house, doesn't want to spend the night or my DH has to go pick her up at midnight because she is crying that she wants mommy.  Wink

     OMG! i feel like im reading about my life!!! whats worse for me is i work for  my in-laws 1 day a week in the summer. My MIL is already trying to plan a trip to Disney World for the "whole" family. My in-laws buy a lot for our kids too! i feel for you! 

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  • My mom is doing this too.  It's bothering the hell out of me, but mainly because we don't have a great relationship.  She makes everything about her. I posted the "rules" on my facebook page along with a disclaimer that I didn't write it and it was not directed at anyone.  She took a look and posted that because she carried me for 9 months and an extra 7 days, she was entitled to say "MY baby".  I deleted her comment and I haven't said anything to her in regards to it since.   I'm pretty sure the next time she does it the, I'm going to end up saying something nasty.  I'll blame it on hormones...
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  • My mom always says "my Lilah", it doesn't bother me.  If my MIL was doing it, that would probably bug me, but she can be a little overbearing and a lot of things she does bug me. 
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  • Yes, you have every right for this to bother you! This would drive me absolutely crazy. My husband has a relative whose mother ALWAYS refers to her grandchildren as 'her babies' on FB and it makes my blood boil, and she's not even my relative! Ugh. I posted the following on my blog, and I think you should send this to your mom! :) Someone posted it on the Bump a while back so I don't know the author, this poster got it from somewhere too...but anywho, it's funny...and so true! GL with your situation! 

     

    Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

    I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

    1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass.

    2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'.

    3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby.

    4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

    5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance, and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'.

    6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

    7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL (Mother-in-Law) or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to 'help out'. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

    8) If you did not receive an invitation to the ultrasound, amnio, hospital, L&D, home then you were not invited. You do not get to trump the mother's call on this one. Don't think you are doing us a favor by just showing up to "help out". If your assistance is needed, it will be requested.

    9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

    10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less. I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.

    Signed, All Pregnant Women

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    Me: 37 DH: 38 
    BFP #1 3/17/11 - DS born 12/4/11
    TFAS Dec 2013
    BFP #2 - 3/23/14 - CP 3/26/14
    BFP #3 - 8/20/14 - Natural Miscarriage 9/22/14
    BFP #4 - 1/28/15 - DS2 born 10/13/15
    Surprise BFP# 5 - 9/2/16 - Due 5/13/17

  • It would bother me...in fact, it did when my mom did it with our first DD.  I had to remind her she HAD her time and now it's mine, while not taking anything away from it being her first grandchild.  Have you spoken to her about it?
  • It sounds like your mom is very excited to be a grandma. Go with it, embrace it. There are so many women who would love to have the support it sounds like you are getting.


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  • My MIL as doing this with my DD for awhile too... so I very kindly and happily said "no, she's my baby, she's your little princess..." and it stuck. Now she always asks how her little princess is doing. It doesn't bug me as much as her calling it her baby...
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  • My MIL used to call DD "my baby," but it never really bothered me, I think because her behavior was perfectly restrained in every other way - she's always been really good at giving us advice and a ton of help when we ask and otherwise backing off and letting us do our own thing.  And she compliments my mommy skills, which is great.

    But my mom...oh, my mom.  Like this:

    image katie0919:
    5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance, and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'.

    My mom saw pictures of me on FB when I was 12 weeks pregnant with this LO and said I looked like a beached whale and suggested I must be having twins.  Now she only had one biological child, and that was 36 years ago, so I guess 1. she doesn't remember that comments about weight/size are never welcome, and 2. she doesn't realize that bellies are usually bigger the second time around.  I think she was just trying to be funny and she did apologize, but holy cow.  (DH loves how I look now, which is awesome, so that makes up for it.)

    She has said weird things on her FB status about how she's moving and we be a lot closer to us, especially DD, but we're planning on moving away before she gets here, which she knows but is moving for other reasons, so it's just bizarre.  And I deleted her from my friends temporarily once, but that's another story...

    DD born 10/10/07 * DS born 11/25/11 * #3 due 3/9/2015
  • image katie0919:

    Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

    I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

    1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass.

    2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'.

    3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby.

    4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

    5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance, and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'.

    6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

    7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL (Mother-in-Law) or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to 'help out'. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

    8) If you did not receive an invitation to the ultrasound, amnio, hospital, L&D, home then you were not invited. You do not get to trump the mother's call on this one. Don't think you are doing us a favor by just showing up to "help out". If your assistance is needed, it will be requested.

    9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

    10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less. I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.

    Signed, All Pregnant Women

    I LOVE this! I feel like my MIL needs to read this everyday. I really believe that she thinks I am having her baby. She says it's our baby and is always telling us what she needs to do or get for the baby before she is here. She even went as far as to say that the twin bed we put in our spare room wouldn't be comfortable when she stays over! she only lives 15-20 min away so she will not being staying at our house EVER!  If for some reason I needed someone to stay with me overnight it would be someone that didn't drive me insane like my sister or mom. Glad Im not the only one who gets annoyed by family members claiming that my child is theirs. 

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  • It would bother me greatly, but then my mother has a history that would make that more than an innocent little comment.

    Tell your mom to cut it out.  There's no point in getting upset at her and defriending her over this if you haven't given her the opportunity to straighten up.

    She can be excited to be grandma with your kid, but unless she's knocked up herself you don't want her stepping into your territory even if she thinks it's "cute." 

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  • QmommyQmommy
    5 Love Its
    member
    I know it bothers a lot of women on here but it doesn't bother me one bit.  I know it's my baby and her saying it will never change that fact.  People know that it's my baby too.  I'm a pretty laid back person though so maybe that's why it doesn't bother me.
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  • Holy cow this is the best prego material I have ever read, I'm totally stealing this! Amazing. Simply amazing.

    image katie0919:

    Yes, you have every right for this to bother you! This would drive me absolutely crazy. My husband has a relative whose mother ALWAYS refers to her grandchildren as 'her babies' on FB and it makes my blood boil, and she's not even my relative! Ugh. I posted the following on my blog, and I think you should send this to your mom! :) Someone posted it on the Bump a while back so I don't know the author, this poster got it from somewhere too...but anywho, it's funny...and so true! GL with your situation! 

     

    Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

    I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

    1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass.

    2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'.

    3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby.

    4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

    5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance, and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'.

    6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

    7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL (Mother-in-Law) or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to 'help out'. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

    8) If you did not receive an invitation to the ultrasound, amnio, hospital, L&D, home then you were not invited. You do not get to trump the mother's call on this one. Don't think you are doing us a favor by just showing up to "help out". If your assistance is needed, it will be requested.

    9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

    10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less. I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.

    Signed, All Pregnant Women

  • my MIL started off saying "my baby" too, but has transitioned into saying "Grandma's Baby" which is completely fine.  I believe I nudged her in that direction by correcting her when she said "my baby" a couple of times.   Say it with a big smile and maybe you can trick her?? Wink  Worth a shot and if it doesn't work than be more direct. 

    It's small potatos in the grand scheme of things but definitely annoying.  

  • Thank you katie0919 that was exactly what I was refering to.
  • My Mom is driving my SIL and I crazy!!! All I have to say is I love her to death but I'm so right now that she lives on the other side of the US.. But she lives near my bro and SIL and driving them bonkers!!! HAHA SIL is 37wks pregnant and I have to laugh at the things my SIL tells me cause I don't have to put up with it and I have an amazing MIL!! I don't get calls or texts from her and she has no FB.  She is so sweet and just calls my SO and asks him how we're doing or if we need anything.  I honestly feel so lucky I don't have a crazy MIL like some women do.  But my Mom is kinda making up for it with all her texts and phone calls and don't do this and don't do that and almost everyday texts with how are you and our baby doing today?! Umm my baby Mom, not ours.  I know you're excited to get 2 grandbabies this year buy holy cow, calm it down!
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  • I think I can understand the frustration, but you should be grateful that she is so excited and involved.  My mom is totally the opposite.  She and I are SUPER close, but she rarely even talks about the baby.  She'll buy him clothes and help me get ready for him, but she isn't too emotionally attached to him.  Makes me wish she were a little more outwardly excited.  I guess she's just not super emotional, but I am a little jealous.  Try to understand your mom's excitement and be glad she is so supportive.  Either way, don't let it come between you and your mom.  You're only pregnant for 9 months, then you don't have to deal with it anymore.  You'll be super glad when she wants to come babysit "her baby" so you and DH can go on a date, lol.  :)
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