A board divided... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

A board divided...

If you have been an active member of other bump boards than you know all too well, there is a lot of drama out there. This is one board that cannot afford to be divided. We all at one time have needed one another, leaned on one another, and supported one another. 

Of course emotions run high, we are a group of women going through/having been through a terrible time in our lives and to top it off we have hormones that are completely out of our control. The point being, the last thing we need to do it turn our backs on one another.

There are women here who are aggressive protectors by nature, myself included. At times we are quick to pull the trigger, at the risk of hurting a new poster. Please understand that my comments (I cannot speak for others) come from a place of compassion for others. I have become friends with several of the women here and I will not stand by and let them get hurt. That being said, I certainly do not condone bullying or hurting other well intentioned people. 

The problem being, the majority of people who post on this board to ask if they might be miscarrying are not thinking about how that question will make us feel. They are wrapped up in their own fear. As a result many people get their feelings hurt. Because many of us are still grieving it is hard to respond to these post with kindness. I for one will try harder.

Perhaps the best thing to do is ignore these post, post a simple warning (ex: Do not open *** pg mentioned) and notify the moderators, they are awesome. That way if you are not feeling vulnerable go ahead and read the post, respond if you like, but those who are still hurting will be spared. 

I really don't know the best way to handle the situation, I would love to hear what others think. What I do know is that pointing fingers and hurting one another serves no purpose.   

I wish you all nothing less than love, healing, and hope.  

 

ETA: Jen is currently our only mod, click on her name to report a problem.  

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Re: A board divided...

  • I whole heartily agree!
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  • VERY well said, sweepie. You rock and hit the nail on the head. This board has such intense emotions that it's easy for things to get out of hand. I will admit that sometimes I am WAY over-sensitive to the world around me, and I just need to take a step back and chill out.

    Also, have I been writing 'sweetiepie' out to you in pages/posts? Whoops! I just read your name like that, I guess. 

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  • Well said. Thank you.
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  • Agreed.
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  • I agree and think this is very well said.
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  • image mrs.julia.goolia:

    VERY well said, sweepie. You rock and hit the nail on the head. This board has such intense emotions that it's easy for things to get out of hand. I will admit that sometimes I am WAY over-sensitive to the world around me, and I just need to take a step back and chill out.

    Also, have I been writing 'sweetiepie' out to you in pages/posts? Whoops! I just read your name like that, I guess. 

    I agree..I get a little crazy too:)  I thought she was sweetiepie too...

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  • Thank you Sweepie! I totally agree with this too. I love the idea of ignoring the posts, contacting the mods and adding a gentle "don't read' post so others know what they are getting into before they even open it. Well said!
    TTC #1 since January 2011
    BFP#1 April 12, 2011, EDD December 24, 2011, strong heart beat at 7w3d, d&c at 10w6d
    BFP#2 Oct 24, 2011, natural miscarriage, EDD unknown
    After RPL testing my losses and subsequent infertility are considered unexplained.
    Cycle #22: Femara, TI, and progesterone = BFP!! 
    BFP#3 Dec 21, 2012. Beta #1 @14dpo = 134, progesterone 67.8. Beta #2 @ 17dpo = 664! Team green, EDD 9/1/13, healthy baby boy born 9/12/13!
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  • I forgot something...maybe this is just me.  It is like curosity killed the cat but I always read them even if they say not to.  And there are always a ton of views on them..so I wonder if I am not alone.  I know there is a good probability it will make me feel bad, but I read it anyway..that is all.  Just wanted to add.

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  • image mrs.julia.goolia:

    VERY well said, sweepie. You rock and hit the nail on the head. This board has such intense emotions that it's easy for things to get out of hand. I will admit that sometimes I am WAY over-sensitive to the world around me, and I just need to take a step back and chill out.

    Also, have I been writing 'sweetiepie' out to you in pages/posts? Whoops! I just read your name like that, I guess. 

    haha, no worries. It is a nickname that started as a typo from DH :)  

    Married my best friend 6/28/08
    DD born 4/3/10 BFP 4/9/11 missed mc @10w4d- forever loved
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  • Agreed!

    I also wish The Bump had another board for these types of questions and concerns.  When we had our u/s that showed serious issues - baby measuring way behind, low heart rate, I knew that something bad was going on.  I couldn't post here because it wasn't confirmed, couldn't post on tri or bmb because they just want to blow a bunch of false hope your way, ttcal is working on making babies and their losses are still painful, and I am sure pgal gets sick of these questions over and over.  The three days we had to wait to have our loss confirmed were the worst of my life, worse than the d&c.  It would have been helpful to have support.  

    That said, I agree it's completely inappropriate to post those questions on this board.  I am thankful that you ladies protect our fragile hearts - this is the best club I never wanted to join :) 

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  • image jakdw:

    I forgot something...maybe this is just me.  It is like curosity killed the cat but I always read them even if they say not to.  And there are always a ton of views on them..so I wonder if I am not alone.  I know there is a good probability it will make me feel bad, but I read it anyway..that is all.  Just wanted to add.

    I usually read them.  For me personally, reading about someone else's worry for a loss doesn't bother me.  Generally I just feel badly for their fears and they usually just don't know where else to go.  Certainly I won't be lurking around in the first tri board and reading those pregnancy posts for fun, but the ladies that accidently post here are just scared.

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    ~Surprise BFP #2 5/11 while still BF'ing. Natural M/C @ 7w3d.~
    ~BFP #3 8/11. EDD 4/24/12. Heavy bleeding episodes from a lost twin. DD born 4/14/12.~
    ~Started TTC 2/13. BFP #4 3/13. EDD 11/8/13. Hoping for smooth sailing!~
  • I totally agree. I know it is tough to hear some of the posts people post...and I think there should totally be a board for those with scary things happening to them that they need answers to...I also remember how scared I was when all this was happening to me, and I think often people are in such a fog, and panic, that they honestly are not thinking of how their posts may affect others...they aren't trying to be hurtful, but are just so full of hurt themselves that they forget to think first.  I agree with the ignoring, or politely redirecting to another board.  I think that is the best way to handle it.  I want to thank all of you...everyone is so, so supportive and kind. I honestly wouldn't know where I would be without you all.   You are honestly my daily support group that I couldn't live without. Thank you all.Right Hug
    Chemical Pregnancy 2001, Married 8/8/09, TTC April 2011, BFP 5/8/11, Missed M/C @ 9wk5d, D&C 6/21/11 BFP 11/13/11 Chase Everett born at 29wks 0 days on 5/7/12 at 2 lbs 14 oz, 14 1/2 inches long.
  • I was unfortunate to be labeled "high risk" and spent the length of my pregnancy in there posting all about my worry. Maybe some of these posters could go there...

    My pregnancy showed signs of problems starting with the anatomy scan and just continuously got worse. I actually was terrified to click on this particular board until I lost the baby because I didn't want to put any more negative thoughts in my brain, the doctors were doing enough of that. Everyone always told me to be positive, heh, a lotta good that did...

    EDD 9/28/2011, lost our little girl (pre-e/iugr) on 6/13/11 @24w5d
    EDD 3/12/2013, natural miscarriage on 7/18/12 @6w2d
    EDD 8/01/2013, D&C scheduled for 12/31/12 @9w4d
  • Well said!
  • Great post.

    I am sharp tongued and short tempered by nature. Being a Marine dosn't help. My natural instinct is to protect and (for lack of a better term) sacrifice. I got somewhat attacked yesterday for posting a "warning, do not open" post and thought it made me more angry and a little upset, military service made it second nature to just let the water roll off the duck's back and continue on with my day, not another thought about it.

    If I have offended someone by my posts, I apologize. However, please understand that I would rather be hated by a few individuals (like the troll from yesterday) then to have other women on this board get hurt.

    Oohrah! ;) 

    BFP 1: 3/25/11 -- m/c: 4/21/11 @ 9w 2d

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  • image HBaylies:
    image jakdw:

    I forgot something...maybe this is just me.  It is like curosity killed the cat but I always read them even if they say not to.  And there are always a ton of views on them..so I wonder if I am not alone.  I know there is a good probability it will make me feel bad, but I read it anyway..that is all.  Just wanted to add.

    I usually read them.  For me personally, reading about someone else's worry for a loss doesn't bother me.  Generally I just feel badly for their fears and they usually just don't know where else to go.  Certainly I won't be lurking around in the first tri board and reading those pregnancy posts for fun, but the ladies that accidently post here are just scared.

      I agree... I have not been a member on here for very long, every board that I have been on have all kinds of emotions going on.  I will read the posts as well, I too do not get offended or bothered.  I am naturally a sensative person so my heart goes out to any woman who may be or has gone thru what we all have- I don't hate them for asking questions of the woman who have the experience- they are scared and do not know where to turn at that moment. 

    I thank those who do protect us!!  Healthy Healing ladies!!!

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  • I was also thinking that maybe the high risk board would be a good place. But no matter what we try to do there will always be the people that post here when they shouldnt
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  • I was a pretty active member of the high risk board during my first pregnancy. Most of the women there have GD, or are on bed rest for Pre-e or pre-term labor. I don't think that a woman going through a threatened miscarriage would get a lot of support there unfortunately.

    I know I had about 3 weeks with this pregnancy where I just didn't post anywhere because I didn't belong. I lurk enough to know this wasn't the place to post, but this was the only board I related to at all. I knew my pregnancy was going badly, but nothing was confirmed. I wish there had been a place to post. The waiting part was torture. I felt very alone. I understand why these posters end up here. There should be a board for that situation.

    ETA:  I totally agree with the purpose of this post and everything that has been said though. I wasn't sure my response read that way. 

    PCOS dx 2008 | BFP #1 2/26/2009 with Metformin
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  • Very well said!! I think those who wonder about m/c come here obviously because we have the experience and those on the tri boards don't even want to think about m/c let alone someone discuss it. Those that are in limbo for the first time don't know what this board is about and don't deserve to be jumped on. More than likely they will be members on this board and one day our friend. In no way am I saying that we should let trolls march all over us.

    Thank you again for saying and reminding us how great this board is!

    ~Jess & Mike May 12, 2007
    12.6.07 CP at 5w
    5.21.08 BO discovered at 7w, D&E at 8w3d
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